Can I really do this #5

[sandi2]

When I think of dropping the rope, my mind goes back to that old game of "tug of war" where two teams are pulling on a rope. The object is for one team to pull the other team over the center line. I've seen the "line" as being a mud puddle..... or other various things. They will pull with all their strength for what seems to be hours. I can't remember if this goes against any rules of tug of war, but it is funny to watch........when one team just drops the rope and their opponents go crashing over the line. The shock value makes it all worth while.

So in my mind, I see the LBH using actions that show he has emotionally dropped the rope he has clinged to for so long. That rope that is tied around his W. You know the one I mean. The same rope that will eventually hang you, if you can't drop it. JS, your problem is trying to wait around until you don't care about her. That doesn't work well, b/c I doubt you will ever get to the place you don't "care". I think you refer to being human quite often. To me, that means you care. So, dropping the rope is not an issue of your feelings. It is about action. You have to leave your emotions out of it.......if you do it successfully.

When the H suddenly stops showing interest in his W's actions (or the lack thereof), and just goes on as if she was not around......I promise it gets her undivided attention. He makes plans for himself without considering her. He GAL like there's no tomorrow, takes his kids for fun weekends, spends time with his guy friends, and anything else he wants to do. He just drops that rope that was tied to the W, where he is constantly considering her feelings and actions. He takes his focus completely away from her and places it on his kids and himself.

Here's the thing. When she notices that he is not sitting around waiting on her, her minds starts wondering about him. What has changed? Has he found someone else? What is he doing when he's not home? Why is wearing a different cologne? Why does he seem happy? Why doesn't he ask me how I feel or what I want? Now, that's just the natural thinking of most women, b/c we are curious. I'm not suggesting you try to make her think you are involved with someone else. When a woman (who is in this frame of mind) sees herself as being the one who is leaving her H....... I don't think she really sees herself as losing him. She sees him as losing her. Do you follow what I am saying? When she suddenly sees her H acting differently, and sees him moving on without her in his everyday life.......it hits her that she is the one losing him. Remember her asking if you were seeing anyone? If she wasn't curious, she wouldn't have asked. However, her attraction needs to be jump-started, and you have the power to do it. If you feel like a doormat, it's b/c you are acting like one. I simply don't understand why some LBH's think that DBing is acting the role of doormat. Take back your power. It will have the affect on her the same as those who were in the tug of war and fell over the line when the rope was dropped. The everyday stuff is just as effective than something like not adding her to your health insurance. I guess I find it odd that you can take action about the health insurance without seeming worried about her reaction, but you can't find it in yourself to do the lesser things that have been suggested.

You say you are "working on GAL". What does that mean? What's to work on? Just get out of the house and do some something you enjoy for a couple of hours.

At the end of the day, you have to do what works. If you see it works, continue doing it. If it doesn't work, then try something else. Patience is needed, I agree. However, I don't think it has one thing to do with acting like a doormat. I think your particular problem is that you feel like a doormat b/c she is eating cake. So, stop serving it. She's going to have some cake as long as she lives under your roof, but you don't have to wait hand & foot to serve it.

[Dtrmned]

Thanks Sandi and I appreciate the time and effort you put into each and everyone of your posts.

I have made GAL difficult as I have been holding on too tight. I am not interested in dating or going to bars, etc. But I will diligently from this moment forward keep busy as much as possible. I will get the kids out on the weekends. I will make sure I am there for my kids always, but will also make time for myself outside of the home to be sure I am working on me. I also will not cater to my W any longer. I will not be cold or mean but will treat her as the guest that she is in my home. I will listen and validate when/if she talks. I will notice any changes but will not hang on her every word, sentence or action as some indication of how she is leaning. This will be a long process and it has only just begun.

I've already done the new clothes, cologne thing. I lost 30+lbs and about 4 inches on the waist so nothing fit anymore. That did cause her to look and that is also when she accused me of seeing someone. I'm still working out everyday, sometimes twice and am in decent shape. I weigh less now than when we got married so that is great for my health. I eat better. Rarely drink any longer and sleep fairly decently now. I have more energy than I used to and I need to focus that energy on my kids, myself and my career instead of my W.

So yes. I think db'ing is working and I do believe that reading through all of my past posts and comments from you and others that I am the one prolonging this agony. My choices to make myself feel better and perhaps more connected still with my W by doing things for her and spending time with her are my own choices and therefore my fault.

My W is very challenged in many ways. I don't know if she will ever have the opportunity to get out of her fog. Her health issues are increasing presently and she is in deep denial about this. There have been 3 days in the last week that she has slept for almost 18-19 hours per day. Her skin is paler, glossy and more translucent than it used to be. I did ask her this morning if I should have some concern and she just shrugged it off and said it would go away and be ok eventually. So if she is not worried about her own health, I'm certain that either myself or our MR are not even on her radar at all. She has this ability (I wish I had it now) of being able to just shut out the world and nothing will penetrate her wall. She can go for months like that.

I am still having some concerns about the big conversations that have to happen that might turn into an R or even a D conversation. Health insurance is one. Has to be done in the next few days. Where we are going to live is another. Lease is up early 2019 and it will be here before you know it. How do I broach that subject:
Hypothetical
Me: "What are our options when the lease is up?"

W: "I have no idea on what I am doing at this moment."

Me: "Well, we need to have some idea on what we are doing just for the kids."

W: could go either "I don't know let me think about it." or "What are our options?" to "There is no "we" we are done."

No sky is falling stuff, if we owned the home it wouldn't be an issue, but since we presently don't, plans need to be in place and can't wait until the last minute.

I have struggled these past few weeks on whether this was even possible or not. I love my W. I love my family. I know I will be good with my kids eventually. I just hate that they are in the middle and my W just sits there day after day not doing anything about anything.

Again, thank you Sandi for your input. I do value every response on here. I know what I have to do and as you have said Actions speak louder than words. I will update soon on how the updated direction is going.

[SteveLW]

W: could go either "I don't know let me think about it." or "What are our options?" to "There is no "we" we are done."

I feel for you brother. That is so difficult. Went through that, all be it in much shorter time span. And it is frustrating. She could never, in the thick of our sitch, give me any specifics. I can understand that after so long that kind of thing still happening is frustrating. As always JS, it is well within your rights and your power to say "forget this" file and move on. No one would fault you. Just make sure it is really what you want.

[Dtrmned]

Very Frustrating Steve.

D is definitely not what I want. I do see it as a possibility. Contemplated seriously about the good/bad columns of each.

Moving toward R:
Long timeline
Learning to trust again
Keeping the family together
Learning to love each other again

Not a total list and some fall in both the good and bad colums

Moving toward D:
Shorter timeline
Family is broken

My final thought on this post is this:
What a waste of time! Why has society put us to this point where we think just because it is a little harder than usual that we should just dispose and replace?

[Dtrmned]

Wrote a really long post. Looked and reread it and then deleted it.
Why? Because I saw re-reading it that it was all about my W.
This part of the journey is about me (and of course my kids).
About how I rebuild who I am.
I will still post updates on what happens, but I am taking the focus away from the day to day issues.
We don't talk much so brevity is very easy in our conversations. I have great talks with my kids and am going to capitalize on the time with them. School is back and with a vengeance and since they are advancing in grades, Dad becomes more of a helper with their subjects so I love that!!!
I just need to get my kids on a more stable foundation so they can thrive better!

[SteveLW]

Well done JS!!

[Dtrmned]

tough time in my head today.
Great evening at home. D had an event so S & I went. W was asleep and didn't go.
It was a great time for us. Just really anxious today and I don't know why.
I did good on detaching and the event helped by soaking up some time (and it was great to be with the kids)
Outside of a concern for my W's health, spent the afternoon and early evening busy around the house and not thinking about the MR.

These seem to be my hardest days. My heart sometimes just aches. I'm lonely. I miss my W. I miss just being happy. I miss doing things as a family and having fun. I do miss family fun times.

There are few people that I speak to about my sitch, and even those few i don't tell them every sordid detail. I mainly have those few friends/ family and this board so thank you for letting me get these feelings out just for a few moments until they pass.

Wow. I haven't been emotional like this in a while.

i'm just gonna sit here for a few minutes, try to relax and refocus.

[sandi2]

I have made GAL difficult as I have been holding on too tight. I am not interested in dating or going to bars, etc.

Whenever I give examples of GAL, I don't believe I have ever suggested anyone date or go to bars. If you don't know what to do, just go riding around. Treat yourself to something you enjoy eating. Look around at a bookstore, go to a museum, go rock climbing......whatever suits you. Just get out of house.

I will not be cold or mean but will treat her as the guest that she is in my home.

Hold up! She is not a guest in your home! If you treat her like a guest, she'll act as one. You'll never feel that you should go out without her. You would see that as being rude. When we have guest, we try to entertain them, make them feel comfortable, pay a lot of attention to them, serve them, put their desires first, etc. I suggest you think of her as a woman who is there for rent/board. It's a business arrangement. It puts a much different light on things from how you would treat a guest in your home.

So if she is not worried about her own health, I'm certain that either myself or our MR are not even on her radar at all. She has this ability (I wish I had it now) of being able to just shut out the world and nothing will penetrate her wall. She can go for months like that.

FWIW, I understand this type of situation much better than you may know. This may sound cold, and I don't mean it that way when I say that there are times you just need to walk away and let her butt with her own head. You must learn to turn lose of what you cannot control. This is her disease and she has to deal with it on her terms. You have to save yourself and your children, before you can take care of anyone else. If everyone stops catering to her and setting their daily activities by how she feels......and if they will start having a real life whether or not she's involved.....I think she'll wake up much faster. She has been able to go like this for months at a time, b/c you always picked up the slack. When she sleeps for days at a time, she knows good ole JS will take care of everything. In other words, she's "allowed" to shut out and shut down and tune out the world whenever she wants. Some people don't have that privilege. Do I think you've enabled her? Yes, b/c I know how easy it is when we have a loved one who is dealing with similar situations. I know how frustrating it can be when they won't do what they should, or try to help themselves, or are in denial or rebelling against their condition. I'm talking about adults, of course. I had to learn how to leave it with them at times, and take care of myself......lest we both go down.

Again, thank you Sandi for your input.

You are most welcome. I feel I have done a lot of repeating, so if you should see me slacking off at times, it's b/c I haven't anything new to say. I've spent less time on the board since this new updated version has come, b/c I have to use my desk computer, for one, and also I think I am getting just a slight burnout. However, I'm not done.

[ovrrnbw]

Hi Ms Sandi,

I for one, am glad you are not done here. So many people look to your advice and posts around here.

JS, keep the faith. Do what you need to do to be the best you. You getting emotional is OK, just don't let it ruin your hour or day. Find your way back.

[Dtrmned]

Good Morning!
By the time I got home yesterday I was composed and good.
It was rough for a little while though, I'm not going to lie!

Sandi, I hope you don't go anywhere. Please know that I value your input greatly and also appreciate your patience with my need to hear things several times before actually hearing them. I think this is more due to my heart and mind telling me I have to do something and the battle going on to make sure I don't. So again, thank you so much.

The GAL part I am struggling with now because I don't want to be a part from my kids too much. I know when they get home from school they are doing their homework and all of their stuff, even when I get home I am doing my stuff, but I just know that I need to concentrate on them a lot. Not overprotective, not over emphatic either, but just physically being in the same area as them. Tough to get out during the week. Now the weekends are a different story. I do a couple of hikes on the weekends, and depending on sports/school things I try to get the kids out for something as well. This weekend looks good and we are definitely headed out Sunday.

I worded the guest part a little wrong. I treat her like the cashier at the store. I do slip up and inquire about things from time to time (not R or MR, just life) but have cut that way back as well. I know I have catered to her for years. Not intentionally, but we just ended up this way. I am sure that in some way she resents me for this now. I have thought about it, and know that I don't resent her for her health issues that are fully out of her control!

Assignment for the weekend:
Enjoy life.
Get some work done around the house.
Have fun with the kids.
Do a couple of hikes.
Detach

And OV thanks for the comments as well. Keeping the faith. Glad this board is here and needed it just to get out the thoughts and feelings yesterday.