Believe it or not, I was feeling good this morning and said, hey, how about for GAL I do something crazy that I've never done before. So I thought of it. And THEN I read Sandi's rules which stated that I can invite W to participate in activities with me but I will do them with or without her. So I invited her. Not sure why, but it felt more genuine than manipulative. It's definitely a 180, and that would be obvious to anyone who knows me.
I actually think it might have come across as slightly more manipulative if I did it and then made an announcement about it in MC.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Steve, if you read the time stamps on my posts you'll see definite daily patterns in what I worry about. So here I am at 2 PM and it's time to worry about OM.
How do I resist the temptation to do Option B? Everyone seems to think I'd be stupid not to assert myself. The more I think about it, especially after reviewing the chapter in DR, is that her ambivalence isn't really about me. It's about her, and OM "waiting in the wings." She will be seeing him again in a couple of weeks, and she will then have an opportunity, without anybody knowing, to ask him about how things are going with his W. Certainly if he is S from his W then it would give my W permission to proceed. It's gnawing at me.
What do I do in MC tomorrow? Do I wait and see if it comes up? Do I do what DR recommends and just let it keep happening until it runs out on its own? By October it will have been a year, off-and-on. BD was something I instigated, so the A didn't really end, it went dormant without her consent. Then it came back and went dormant again. I don't think her head is clear of it yet, and I think that's the number one obstacle. MC believes her lies, "This has nothing to do with him!" But it's starting to make a whole lot of sense.
What advice do you have to help me get through the second half of my day? Do I take the high road? I mean, if you have nothing to hide, why do you refuse to provide any evidence that you're not hiding anything? Should I push for a little accountability in exchange for my ongoing efforts, or will that backfire?
Last edited by burned; 08/21/1805:59 PM. Reason: no idea
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Believe it or not, I was feeling good this morning and said, hey, how about for GAL I do something crazy that I've never done before. So I thought of it. And THEN I read Sandi's rules which stated that I can invite W to participate in activities with me but I will do them with or without her. So I invited her. Not sure why, but it felt more genuine than manipulative. It's definitely a 180, and that would be obvious to anyone who knows me.
I actually think it might have come across as slightly more manipulative if I did it and then made an announcement about it in MC.
As long as you are being honest with yourself about it. You don't have to prove anything to me!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, if you read the time stamps on my posts you'll see definite daily patterns in what I worry about. So here I am at 2 PM and it's time to worry about OM.
How do I resist the temptation to do Option B? Everyone seems to think I'd be stupid not to assert myself. The more I think about it, especially after reviewing the chapter in DR, is that her ambivalence isn't really about me. It's about her, and OM "waiting in the wings." She will be seeing him again in a couple of weeks, and she will then have an opportunity, without anybody knowing, to ask him about how things are going with his W. Certainly if he is S from his W then it would give my W permission to proceed. It's gnawing at me.
What do I do in MC tomorrow? Do I wait and see if it comes up? Do I do what DR recommends and just let it keep happening until it runs out on its own? By October it will have been a year, off-and-on. BD was something I instigated, so the A didn't really end, it went dormant without her consent. Then it came back and went dormant again. I don't think her head is clear of it yet, and I think that's the number one obstacle. MC believes her lies, "This has nothing to do with him!" But it's starting to make a whole lot of sense.
What advice do you have to help me get through the second half of my day? Do I take the high road? I mean, if you have nothing to hide, why do you refuse to provide any evidence that you're not hiding anything? Should I push for a little accountability in exchange for my ongoing efforts, or will that backfire?
Here is the thing: IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM! OM is an easy target of your wrath. But he doesn't care about you and you don't care about him. It is a cheeseless tunnel.
The thing is that the DR book is right. 99.75% of A run their natural course and then die out. Either one AP doesn't want to leave their marriage, or they find out that they are incompatible in some way. Most As are built on sex and sex is NOT a sustaining factor in long-term Rs. I mean just look at all of the SSMs that are long-term! I am not a huge fan of Dr. Phil but he has a saying: when the MR is good sex is about 10% of the R....when the MR is bad sex becomes about 90% of the MR. In other words, it isn't that important until there are problems and then one or both spouses start to complain about the sexual problems in the MR.
So to get through the 2nd half of day think about what makes you awesome! It is obsessing about her and OM? Or is it being assured that you are going to be ok.....better than ok....AWESOME even no matter what happens. In fact, you are going to be so awesome that no matter what happens in 2 weeks she'd be a completely idiotic moronic foolish imbecile to choose ANY OM over you!
So how do you get your awesome on? Jumping out of a plane is a good start. How about going into MC upbeat, happy, pleased, pleasant and present! Go out and do something for you tonight. Run 10 miles, or bike for 20 miles, or find a place that rent boats (if they are open that late) and go kayaking or canoeing. Find out if there are any events at your local library and go hang out with some total strangers. Go sign up for some fall classes at a local community college. Or at the community center. Are you an athlete? Find a drop in basketball night! Get out there and be awesome!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You are awesome. I want to be more like you. So that's what I'm going to try to do.
Confidence. It will show through at MC, along with a slightly detached vibe of, "Yup, I like me, you can like me if you want, or not. I won't die either way."
On the issue of OM, it began as an EA and sex was secondary. In fact it took them a while to get there. My W, when she falls, she falls HARD. Took her 2 years to get me. And after she falls, she DOESN'T let go. It works in my favor, kind of. So yeah, I think what might end up happening is that he will push her to leave me for him (she tells me that he started pushing for that about 1 month into their A, and she repeatedly asked him to drop it because that was not something she would consider at the time), and she will continue to balk. If she is as stubborn with him as she has been with me, he'll move on. He doesn't have 11 years of memories with her.
PMA!
Last edited by burned; 08/21/1807:04 PM. Reason: clarified
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Confidence. It will show through at MC, along with a slightly detached vibe of, "Yup, I like me, you can like me if you want, or not. I won't die either way."
OH MY GOODNESS. This is perfect. If you can pull that off you'll have her eating out of your hand. In fact, any LBH, if he can do this well, puts himself in great shape.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Confidence. It will show through at MC, along with a slightly detached vibe of, "Yup, I like me, you can like me if you want, or not. I won't die either way."
OH MY GOODNESS. This is perfect. If you can pull that off you'll have her eating out of your hand. In fact, any LBH, if he can do this well, puts himself in great shape.
I thought I had it down last week, but I got roped into my own concerns about halfway through. And she will see through it, or at least try to.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
"I’m not in a rush to file paperwork or anything. If you want to keep trying, understanding that we’ll be friends for a while, we can do that."
"I generally feel pretty ok living by myself. I’m not trying to 'dump' you and move on. I know you are working hard and that change takes time. If you’re willing to live separately and keep talking, that might be ok with me. But you have to understand that maybe we’ll be just friends for a while."
One more MC session next week, it was already scheduled, she still wants to go. Probably just to wrap things up.
Is this the part where I need to GAL and see if she gets interested now that the stakes are higher and there's even less pressure?
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
