I was doing lots of thinking today, and I needed to know if BG's feelings really changed or I was just a matter of boredom on Saturday night. SO I was honest with him, kind of knowing what the answer would be, but needing to hear it. I'll try to make it short. I told him that I enjoyed my time with him and I feel like we click on many levels and if he would truly like to see where this goes, I am on board, but if all I am is someone to fill his time until he finds someone better, I couldn't be that person.
He replied that he felt like we did click on so many levels and that he does enjoy spending time with me. But something doesn't feel right for a long term relationship, which is what he wants (punch in the gut, like a really strong punch in the gut, and I have strong abs, lol). I got rejected because the person DOES actually want a LTR. And something isn't right about me. Yet, he says in the same breath how great we get along, what a wonderful person and mother he thinks I am....it ended nicely. I told him thank you for being honest and not stringing me along. That I don't want something forced, I want to be chosen, everyday. He also told me he never intended for us to kiss and "stuff" Saturday. But he couldn't resist???
I gotta say though, I wish I knew what it was about me. Why I am never the one? What is just not right for these guys? So I can fix it. I think I am excellent long term material. I am not closed off. I am open to receiving and I am very giving. When we are together we are great. I didn't even feel like anything was missing. So, this time, it is truly unbalanced. I am stumped. I just want to fix whatever the men in my life has seen as broken.
I also cannot go through the rejection again. My heart can't take this over and over again anymore. It was a rough rejection to go through on the what would have been my 14th wedding anniversary. I barely made it 4 years married, and I have been rejected by any guy I cared about since then.
I am having a pity party. I am in a whole lot of pain right now. I asked for it though.
Well, hopefully my house offer doesn't get rejected too. I can't take anymore, lol.
Seriously guys, I don't know what to do. How do I make this stop? The only way I can think of is never dating again.
I deleted his number. I won't be doing anything stupid.
Thanks for listening. I've got a big day tomorrow, I should get to bed. I start crossfit tomorrow. Hopefully my offer gets accepted. I think I am ready to take control of my body and weight. I think I have kind of lost control in every area of my life lately. Maybe I can start here. Just get into some bad ass shape. Maybe it will help my self-esteem, which is kind of non-existent right now.
If you want band guy to step up to the plate you need to set the bar higher. If he can just stop by last minute with drinks and get a make out session that lasts until 5 a.m., there IS a very real possibility that he'll conitinue to see you "for comfort" (or sex) even if he's not really interested in a relationship. Set the bar higher - he has to make a date at least one day in advance (preferably more), has to take you OUT on a date (no Netflix and chill), has to put some EFFORT in. If he's not willing then he's not sufficiently interested. But setting that bar higher will help you weed out the guys who are just taking advantage of the low hanging fruit from the guys who are genuinely interested and willing to put some effort into wooing you.
I don't have any fixes for you and TBH don't really agree with trying to fix someone else. You are who you are and being someone else to please another isn't something I believe in. I know that many here are brimming with suggestions especially for the newbies on them making changes to who they are to be more attractive - which as you will undoubtedly remember didn't work well on me - I remain unattractive to you and undoubtedly others who have tried to fix me here
Taking a short break from dating is perhaps a good idea to allow you to find your centre. Are you still seeing an IC?
The only suggestion I might have, and this is more to protect you and your heart is to go slower. I know that you tend to go "all in" when you are interested in someone. Perhaps if old Uncle AP can offer one piece of advice, is to set one week (yes week) between letting a guy move from one base to another. If they are interested in you instead of just your curves, they'll be willing to wait. If you find yourself wanting to rush or feeling that you are being rushed, just think of me sitting on your shoulder looking sad. If that doesn't kill the mood then nothing will
Oh - and look for guys who wear bow ties. We're a special breed.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
If you want band guy to step up to the plate you need to set the bar higher. If he can just stop by last minute with drinks and get a make out session that lasts until 5 a.m., there IS a very real possibility that he'll conitinue to see you "for comfort" (or sex) even if he's not really interested in a relationship. Set the bar higher - he has to make a date at least one day in advance (preferably more), has to take you OUT on a date (no Netflix and chill), has to put some EFFORT in. If he's not willing then he's not sufficiently interested. But setting that bar higher will help you weed out the guys who are just taking advantage of the low hanging fruit from the guys who are genuinely interested and willing to put some effort into wooing you.
He's not going to step up to the plate. It's over. he wants a LTR and he says "something doesn't seem right" about a LTR with me. Which boggles me, because everything he says he likes about me points to a perfect LTR partner. But something in me is missing for him. So I will never ever see him again. We are done, he is gone, I am gone. Dawn was exactly right. I should have never entertained him again. I thought maybe something had changed. Nope, he just wanted to hang out because his other plans got cancelled. Instead, like an idiot I set myself up for rejection 2 times in one week by the same guy. I am such an idiot.
They either want no LTR, or no LTR with ME. I guess I am good for company, laughs, and fooling around. And that's my own fault, maybe that is the way I come off. I will set the standard higher. But I don't even plan to date. My heart can't take the rejection anymore and I am sinking into depression.
Hi Ginger. I“m really busy at work here but I feel the urgency of giving you a really big big hug and a very big umbrella for the kick in the a*** rain that I consider sending you to destroy the pity party. With all my respect of course.
You don“t have to fix anything just to please a guy. As kml says, you set the bar higher. Just keep the moving forward attitude and protect yourself. It all takes time Ginger... but it comes. Be proud of where you are and the journey that you have already made.
(((G)))
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
I know you know this, but rejection is not about who you are as a person. Just like our ex's rejecting us. A lot of rejection comes from whats going on in the person doing the rejection. BG was pretty honest and did not string you along. Thats a good thing. Try not to take it personally.
What will protect you in the future from the pain with dating is not attaching early. Keep the dates simple. You need to be the one to limit it. Try a formula. Just as an experiment.
1st date, a cup of cofee
.2nd date no more then 2 hours. Put a time limit it. Schedule it before you have to pick up your daughter so you have a reasonable excuse and no way to extend it. Goal is to end it eoth eqch of you wanting more.
Wait a week between each date. This way you both get time to know whether you want to invest.
No making out till 4th date. Regardless of initial chemistry which might not be real of you dont know each other yet. You can still flirt and maybe short kiss goodnight.
You are forming pseudo orelatuonships with guys you dont really know and thats not healthy and will lead to this type of pain. Make dating less emotional and more light in the beginning anyway and see what happens.
He's not going to step up to the plate. It's over. he wants a LTR and he says "something doesn't seem right" about a LTR with me. Which boggles me, because everything he says he likes about me points to a perfect LTR partner. But something in me is missing for him. So I will never ever see him again. We are done, he is gone, I am gone. Dawn was exactly right. I should have never entertained him again. I thought maybe something had changed. Nope, he just wanted to hang out because his other plans got cancelled. Instead, like an idiot I set myself up for rejection 2 times in one week by the same guy. I am such an idiot.
They either want no LTR, or no LTR with ME. I guess I am good for company, laughs, and fooling around. And that's my own fault, maybe that is the way I come off. I will set the standard higher. But I don't even plan to date. My heart can't take the rejection anymore and I am sinking into depression.
First of all, G....big, BIG hugs to you, dear lady. But even more importantly than the big hugs, I say this with all the love and respect I can possibly muster because you know I think you are fabulous, STOP the negative talk right now!!!!! You are NOT an idiot. You just are not. Does the situation freaking blow chunks? Absolutely it does and I think everyone on this board feels bad for you (not that you are asking for us to, but just as people with feelings and empathizing with someone who is down). But, talking yourself down is NOT helping the situation at all. You are internalizing and placing all the blame on yourself in situations where not all the blame should lie at your feet. I'm all for taking responsibility, so absolutely you should shoulder your SHARE of the blame, but in absolutely NO WAY is this whole band guy thing ALL on you.
Here's the thing, G: you ARE a wonderful woman, a great catch. We all see it. I think you even see it. The men on this board have even said it to you. You just have to hold out for the one who actually DESERVES to catch you. Listen, I totally get where you are. I totally feel your pain more than you even know because I have ALWAYS been the bridesmaid and never the bride, so to speak. Guys seem to want to hang out with me and have fun with me, I'm a great listener, a good friend, I'm awesome....I've heard it ALL before, just like I'm sure you have. But when it comes to seriously dating or settling into something more serious, they are all about looking at everyone but me. I've been dancing this dance for 30 d@mn years with college guy, so please trust me when I say I TOTALLY get where you are coming from and understand, maybe more than some others do. It freaking sux a$$ in the biggest way possible. BUT, it doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you. It means that you have a habit of choosing the same type of man who is, for whatever reason, not emotionally ready for a relationship with a woman who is so strong and confident in herself like you are. I would venture to guess that men like band guy, who is still not even sure of his own crap, are intimidated by a woman who is so put together like you are. It is a double-edged sword, G. Men say they want these strong, confident, independent women, but deep down, men want to be the protectors, the big manly men who rescue and take care and fix things and for women like you, that can be a harder role for them to fill. You handle yourself, G. You handle ALL your business and you do it with grace and style. I'm not trying to lump all men together here, but I would bet that your handling your own sh!t might well be intimidating to some men. I may be WAY off base here, but from my outside observation, you seem to choose men who are more traditionally minded in their thoughts on male/female roles. I see you with someone who is more into equality in relationships rather than someone who is seeking a "little woman" who can clean his house and cook for him and all that sort of stuff (metaphorically speaking). Does that make sense? Band guy seems to be a traditionalist...looking for a settle down wife and family. I'm not saying you aren't looking for a settle down family life, but you aren't looking to be June Cleaver. You are looking to be a modern woman with a husband and a family. Maybe the guys you have really been into are looking for June Cleaver when you should really be looking for guys who want a far more updated relationship. I don't know if I'm making sense at all or just sound like a rambling crazy person at this point, but my heart is literally breaking for you that you are taking all of this so hard and that you are so clearly blaming yourself for the entire situation. Like I said before, I am all about owning your own responsibility, but in this case, I don't think all of the responsibility lies on you alone.
Please, please, PLEASE....I beg of you to stop beating yourself up. Try just taking a break from dating for a bit. Focus on D10 and her new school year, focus on finding new housing whether it be this new house you have put an offer on or whatever, focus on YOU and working out and spending time with your friends. I guess the short version of all that would be GAL. Isn't that exactly what DB advocates? GAL? You got this, G, really you do. You are just going through a rough patch, but girl, you are due for some goodness and light and I promise it is coming your way.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I don't have any fixes for you and TBH don't really agree with trying to fix someone else. You are who you are and being someone else to please another isn't something I believe in. I know that many here are brimming with suggestions especially for the newbies on them making changes to who they are to be more attractive - which as you will undoubtedly remember didn't work well on me - I remain unattractive to you and undoubtedly others who have tried to fix me here
Taking a short break from dating is perhaps a good idea to allow you to find your centre. Are you still seeing an IC?
The only suggestion I might have, and this is more to protect you and your heart is to go slower. I know that you tend to go "all in" when you are interested in someone. Perhaps if old Uncle AP can offer one piece of advice, is to set one week (yes week) between letting a guy move from one base to another. If they are interested in you instead of just your curves, they'll be willing to wait. If you find yourself wanting to rush or feeling that you are being rushed, just think of me sitting on your shoulder looking sad. If that doesn't kill the mood then nothing will
Oh - and look for guys who wear bow ties. We're a special breed.
I have actually been fixing myself for so many years. There was definitely room for improvement in people always. But I actually don't think I am broken, but everyone else seems to view me that way! I just seem to be the common denominator.
I think a part of it all is my sexuality. I have had married men/friends come out of the woodwork after my D and tell me how they wished their wives were more like me, would have totally had an affair with me, definitely tried very hard to (and I am talking good looking professional family men), but any of those men would have never chosen me over their wives. I am viewed as this unicorn of sorts by them, but with the title of that unicorn, I am not a reality most can handle. Just so you know, I never did anything with these men. They are still with their wives. Happy little families.
Bottom line is I want to be taken seriously as a partner, woman, mother. because I know my sexuality is a small part of me. A part that hasn't even been there for a good portion of my life. But I guess I am presenting myself as "easy" and an "easy" catch. You all are correct. Guys have got to start working for it. I am too "easy" and not only in the sexual sense. The though of even letting a guy kiss me right now actually scares the crap out of me. I can't get close again. I am actually just turned off all together.
It's time to close it up, build walls, and be very selective who I let in, if I decide to even entertain a man again.I have been seeing the same IC for years. She thinks I am a catch, lol. But I do tend to pursue too much, and more need to come for me.
Andrew, I do NOT find you unattractive, and I am sorry if I ever made you feel that way. I think you are a great catch. Considerate, loyal and faithful. It's a rarity to find those traits in someone. And they are attractive traits.
I need a hobby. I guess my workouts will be my hobby again. I need to socialize. I am hoping my new home becomes my hobby for a while.
I have great friends, solid friends, long lasting relationships. They think I am R worthy:)
I actually wrote this before I saw all your responses, I just got to submit it now.
