DH - I think that women need connection and conversation, etc. more than men do and while a man might initially pursue once the woman's emotions are engaged she will want to connect especially after sex and then I think they can become the aggressor.
I don't know, I think you are confusing pursuit with nurturing. I'd say women are far more natural nurturers rather than pursuers. They nurture the R after THEY have been pursued.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I agree with J9. I do think women are pursuers. I see nurturing as a wholly different animal. I can only speak for myself, but I know when I'm interested in someone, I just cannot be subtle about it, even when I'm pep-talking myself and telling myself repeatedly to play it cool. I always thought I was in the minority on that, but other male friends who are back in the dating world are confirming that I am not in the minority. From a woman's perspective, I think it may be more about finding that one who checks the most boxes, so to speak and you can't just sit around and wait for that person to be dropped in your lap. Or at least, that is what it is for me and I can really only speak for myself.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Aw, crap! He pulled the distancing on me! Ugh, it did work! I was oblivious to it.
Hmmmm. Now this is interesting. I do think he is distancing again. but I am not biting. He knows where to find me, knows where I stand. But he is away in Bumf@ck PA which is good.
although thinking this over..... So, I left my undies at his house that night. Couldn't find them in the moment and he offered to drop them off to me, and I told him I have plenty, just toss them. He never did. He washed them and brought them to me. I think he kind of knew he was going to see me again.
There is a long story behind this, but the day after it all happened when he broke a record by doing something 21 times. . We laugh because we had our first date on what we like to call his 2nd 21st birthday. And we refer to it as new beginnings and talk about it. He said that's why he chose the number.
I don't know what the deal is, but he is going to have to pursue me now. But I think he might have been playing the going dark NC thing with me, you are right. beat at my own game..... Ugh.
I am putting an offer in on my house. Fingers crossed!
Good luck on the house thing! Fingers crossed for you.
After reading your posts about band dude (I'm assuming that is who you are talking about, right????), I find myself wondering why you are keeping that door open. I mean, I get that y'all hit it off, had a connection so to speak, but he does seem to have a few issues that he needs to work through before he is ready to be all in with someone and that isn't fair to kind of dangle you on the line while he does that. I mean, if you WANT to be dangled, that is one thing, but if you don't, I think you are going to have to break away from him then if he comes back later, once he has his crap together, you can decide then if it is something you want to delve into. I do understand your wanting to have an actual face to face talk with him to get some closure, but is that all you really want or do you want to give him another go? That's a rhetorical question, by the way....don't feel like I'm demanding a response, because I'm most certainly not.
You're a wonderful woman with a lot to offer. I truly do hope you find someone who deserves you.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I believe women initiate and the guy either goes for it or not. My experience is that many guys haven't got a clue, you almost have to go up to them with a parade and a banner before they notice.
FFS what is wrong with saying let's go on a date? Here is my number?
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Dawn, you are very correct in asking what you have. Why have the door open? I really don't know. Something felt.....unfinished. But he clearly does need to deal with his issues, else he couldn't have a healthy R with me. I did need to actually talk to him about this stuff in person if he makes the move to see me again. What's important to me is that he isn't using me as a place of comfort until something else comes along. I cannot live with that again. I do not want to be that person. And I am going to make it very clear and I really don't care if that scares him away. But it has to be said. And if it freaks him out, buh-bye.
As for us women being natural pursuers, I believe we are. Women get stuff done. Usually when we know what we want, we go for it. I think men follow the pursuers lead and do the manly pursuer. V is right..... men usually don't get the clue.
I am an absolute natural nurturer. I am a mother and nurse. It's what we do. I might be too much with it. It's where I become the nice girl wanting to save these men. if I can just "love" them enough..... Working on that.
I was reading a book "when men love b!tches" It's a real phenomenon.
Right now the thing that is on the fore front of my mind is this house. Waiting to hear if the offer was accepted. I am do distracted and on edge because of it. I NEED this to workout.
I think it is absolutely natural for women to be nurturers. But, I don't think pursuing and nurturing are the same thing and I don't think J9 was confusing. I think he was dead on. For those of us women who are pursuers, I think we see the difference. I don't mean to suggest that women have split personalities, but the pursuing side of me is extremely different from the nurturing side of me. I would guess it is with most other women as well. I have an extremely nurturing side that is brought out by those that are nearest and dearest to me. I'm very mother hen-ish with those that I'm most loving and loyal to. I think that is a woman's natural inclination.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I believe women initiate and the guy either goes for it or not. My experience is that many guys haven't got a clue, you almost have to go up to them with a parade and a banner before they notice.
FFS what is wrong with saying let's go on a date? Here is my number?
V
I am a guy and I support this message
This is why I've gone on dates with CL along with the lady I had a date with last year. They asked me / made it very apparent that they wanted to spend time with me.
Especially (IMO) in this day and age, guys are stupid. And especially if they want to be careful to not offend, they are extra extra dense. I've had women who seem to be really into me, who seem to have the body language of it, who then tell me about their boyfriend. Because of my crazy work schedule, most women I meet are also colleagues which adds another layer of my feeling a need to be on "good behaviour".
On the other hand of the four women in my past who have aggressively pursued me, three of them ended up going through the classic narcissistic cycle of love-bomb / devalue / discard. The only one who didn't dumped me when I made a pass at her sister (hey - I was 21). One of them I was married to for more than half my life. Because of this I personally am a bit gun-shy of a woman who comes on "too" strong - but I think most guys would be thrilled. I know I was at the beginning of each of these relationships and only in hind-sight and a lot of reading do I see it as a danger sign.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
