Digging deeper for patience

[Westo]

I went for my evening out last night and had a really good time.

I think letting my hair down was well overdue. Two minutes after coming home at 11.30 H texted me from work asking if I was home.

When he got up this afternoon I was cooking food. Chorizo crusted cod, garlic crushed new potatoes and minted pea purée. All home made. He never compliments me on my food, even though he’s been living in McDonalds and KFC for the last two years by his own admission.

First stop for him is Facebook and after about 15 minutes asked me about my night out. I could tell he wasn’t really listening and after two minutes a video he’d clicked on, of one of our FB friends at an Iron Maiden concert last night drowned me out.

He said “ooops sorry I didn’t think it would be that loud, I wanted to see their stage set”.......”one of my mates went to see them the other night”......

I couldn’t help it, I interrupted saying I wasn’t fussed on Iron Maiden and he shut up. I was so annoyed realising that he wasn’t the slightest bit interested in my night out at all.

Now...the old me would have told him about it whether he was interested or not but not now. I went back to the kitchen and decided not to speak and let him catch up on FB...after all if that is more interesting than listening to me then he can knock himself out.

I was going to sulk and not speak at all but then thought... no I’ll wait until he speaks to me and respond politely. It wasn’t long before he closed his laptop and commented on the European Championships I’m watching on the tv....

I’m glad I didn’t sulk, that would appear needy and we don’t want that. It’s things like this I’ve learned from the people here and I hope to continue this, going forward.

He’s gone to work now, I’m glad he has........or it may have festered and I may have said something after a couple of wines this evening.......phew!

[AndrewP]

Westo - You know that I have a lot of respect and fondness for you. And we both know that we don't always agree on everything.

I'd like to suggest that as the next days and weeks go by that you give some solid thought to what sort of life you want going forward. There's always the old fairy tale that people get granted their wishes and then aren't happy with the result.

I'd like to see you happy. You've worked so very hard to get to where you are today. Can you see this being somewhere where you'll be happy? That day isn't today but in some future date given the patterns that are being formed right now?

No husband is ever perfect - not even me Nor is any wife. Marriage is a compromise between two people who sing different parts of what we can always hope is a harmony. Sometimes they aren't even singing the same words or even the same song, but the harmony can be there nonetheless.

I am so very proud of you. Please always remember that and that you have a lot to be proud of.

[Westo]

Andrew,

I just knew you’d be the first to respond.....and I absolutely understand why.

To you and others, and to me too I suppose, H sounds like a right nob. And right now he is!

The trouble is, he was always disinterested in what I had to say.....lol. On reading the the 5 love languages book I am the babbling brook. What I see and hear I have to speak about and H is the Dead Sea....

I am happy...in a weird sense. I’m financially dependent on him and without him I’d have to leave my home and live on benefits. So it’s beneficial for me to be with him and also for him to be with with me.....

And maybe that’s why he’s come home. I don’t know and I’m not going to ask any time yet.

I think sometimes in life we have to take what we have and I will trust what he said to me when he came back....... “it will come”.

I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt and hope he will come good.

And thank you for your pride in me.

[job]

You handled the discussion about your night out quite well. By going on about your business and not sulking, you proved to him that you've changed.

Just remember, we all want to see you happy and hope that things work out at home for you and your h, but it's going to be a long road to recovery. It could take 18-24 months before he's actually settled back into his own skin and feels comfortable being back home. You are the only one in control of your life/destiny, don't allow his behaviors to bring you down. You are a survivor and no matter what happens...you will continue to move forward.

Keep up the good work!

[Gerda]

Westo, I think it's wonderful that you are being patient, just working on yourself, accepting what is. i don't agree with Andrew's implication because I don't think you have any idea who your H will be once he comes out of this and once trust builds again over the next chapter of your life together, which could take years. I think Job is spot on, and not to prove anything about yourself to your H but because you are releasing yourself from the slavery of bitterness and anger. I think you can deeply love a guy who watches Iron Maiden instead of asking you about your night out, it's just hard right now because you are still traveling through pain. Your H is right, it will come, you are so patient and loving and best of all, you are focusing on bettering yourself no matter what he does.

You are a light!

[Westo]

Thanks all for your words and continued support xoxo

An update,

Things are plodding along quite nicely. H has changed the car. The old one was costing too much in juice (Subaru Impreza) and his dad offered to buy him a new one. I’m glad too as I know OW has been in what was really my car.

When he came back I did wonder why he was parking the old car around the back of the house (he used to park his works van there, which he’s now lost on changing his job, but never the car). He would just say there wasn’t room round the front or that it was habit.

Then it dawned on me.......I wondered if he was hiding it, in case OW came around our site for a nosy and spotted the car. By what I can gather she knows where I live, and he told her he was moving back to his parents. So I thought I’ll wait and see where he parks the new one.

Yup, round the front. And since he’s changed the car he’s much more chilled and like his old self. He’s not snappy anymore. So I think she or her kids may have been sending threatening texts which was making him nervy.

We’ve had a lovely weekend spinning about in the new car with GD. She’s so happy that he’s back, she practically sits on his shoulder and he’s back to teasing her and making her laugh.

They always had an amazing bond which I feared had gone, but it hasn’t. They adore each other.

We are getting closer physically and he really seems to be getting more comfortable in his own skin. I’m still very wary that the GK and D don’t overstay their welcome and nodded to D on Saturday evening that it was time to take our 2 year old GS home (across the road) as he was getting ratty.

H is very fond of him but left us when he was only 3 months old so hasn’t bonded with him as he has with GD.

I think now he has a new job, with real prospects to sort out the financial mess and a nice BMW, it’s suites him. The Impreza was ok in our forties but far too MLC in our fifties.

The other day I told him how important making meals are to me and it’s how I show love. The next day he texted me to say that the left over curry I put in his lunchbox was a little hotter than the day before but was still lovely. And he’s complimented me on every meal since.

He’s a lot messier than he used to be, shoes here and there etc and we’re going through toilet paper like it’s going out of fashion!, but I don’t mind. I have a warm feeling when I come across things around the house. He’s still not showing any interest in doing anything around the house apart from washing up but I’m sure that will come when he feels more comfortable being back.

So things are getting easier every day. Time, it will just take time.

[roist]

There's a lot of speculation in the first part of your post. Be careful with that. It can mislead us in both good and bad directions. Concentrate just on the fact things are slowly but surely progressing positively.

I am glad he picked up on the message about meals.

I think that you are doing great but may be still adjusting to him being back. In time you will find your way. The sooner the better you remove those eggshells! You can do this.keep going

Best wishes

[Westo]

That’s the trouble with me roist, speculate is my middle name!

[OneArt]

Hold onto the good for when the bad comes. It will. Reconnection is hard so they say. Don’t get lulled into a false sense that all is recovered. When he screws up, and he will, just remember to keep it steady, give him space and focus on you and D and the GKs.

[Westo]

I feel the time is right to post this, which is purely my thoughts on MLC and women.

I have read our male friends LBS stories and my heart breaks for them. Please understand this is only my opinion, as a woman.

I have never been able to give advice or indeed any encouragement to any of the men who are LBS on here.

I believe there are fundamental differences in our sexes and what we look for in another relationship. I believe that if your wife has left you for OM......I’m afraid, that’s it. In my opinion.

I’ve held off all this time and I may be so very very wrong, and I really hope I am. But....I can only really speak for me.

If I ever came to the decision to leave my H then that would be it. I have done that with previous boyfriends and for me, there is no going back. But having said that I was not in MLC.

I’m sure there are men on here that would say the same.....but I don’t think I would quite believe them.

I really hope that I am wrong but.....I don’t think I am. To any men reading this stay strong and proud of who you are, because that is the way to attract her back.

I’m just saying this as a woman, but that’s not Gospel!