RR- Thanks again for your sage advice. It is people like you that make this a good place. I will follow as you said. In regards to my sitch W is coming here tonight to start cleaning up the basement and garage. I will read the validation notes a couple times today to make sure I have a good understanding. What she doesn't know is that S is home with me for today because he has a baseball game. I will also ask for an extension on the job offer as I await another interview from a more secure position. Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. Blessings!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
I was feeling off today so I reached out to my friend - the priest that married us, He spoke about expecting nothing from W. Only accept her words that are sincere and from the heart. He also said our greatest sin and weakness is our PRIDE. He said until W can overcome her foolish pride and regain her humbleness and humility- at that point there will be a chance for R. He also said humans sometimes cling to their foolish pride at the detriment of their families. He restated that my trust need to put in Gods hands and allow Him to work on me , W and S.
Many thanks for sharing that. The priest is right.
Validating is about allowing the other to have and own their feelings and thoughts on an issue. Even if you don't agree you accept their right to have their feelings and view.
WW I can accept you feel strongly about x and that y is your view, however I don't agree but you have the right to think and feel that way. And I have the right to say.
It isn't fogging:
As in 'there may be something in what you say.' That is actually INVALIDATING. It has its place in abuse sitches, grey rock and NC. But it is dismissive.
Just saying, read up on validating please and know what INVALIDATING is too.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
WLF, I would like to add that it sounds destine that you will have contact during this basement cleaning. I hope you will be intentional and guard your heart.
What do you wish to covey? I would suggest that with limited words and that you would project that you are doing well. Moving on. Not pursuing. Validating is allowing W to be heard without judgment. Armor up to hear things that you disagree with. Now is not the time.
If you are asked a question that you feel you can't answer without judgment, ask for some time to think about it. This is no time to win any battles.
Limited contact makes these occasions tense and important. Better to say nothing, than the wrong thing. Listen and validate. Swallow that pride. Know that she may say things to try to hurt you. Because she too is hurting. Don't take the bait.
I look forward to your report.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
First of all V Thanks for the tip on validation - read your post before she came although there was not much to validate.
RR - you hit the nail on the head when you said limit the talk and project alpha mentality. Huge thank you!
Let me start by saying W showed up at the door with boxes to bring some of her stuff back home . She looked very sluggish and old . She was wearing what I would refer to her black fat jeans and a sports bra. W has never been a obese woman during our R but in this case I could see some unsightly rolls. Her hair just blah- not what I would consider attractive. I would not date someone like this now. I just said hi come in and got out of her way. She saw S playing on his computer- she went to say hi. He barely turned to her and then she said hi and walked away. I offered her something to drink in which she politely refused. Funny note she came in to the house and my dog ( which was we purchased together) almost did not want to go to her even after she called him. We went downstairs and she made the comment that I looked good- keeping it simple I said thanks. She then asked me if I had got new clothes? I said with a smile on my face that I had to buy new clothes because all the other clothes were way too big. Then I said ( I know ego boost) I had to buy a size 32 pants and shorts and I mentioned that was what I wore in high school. She said congratulations then she said "this is a compliment - but when you put your mind to it , it gets accomplished !" I simply smiled. We ended going thru some items, Chistmas stuff, gifts, home accessories we took time to split things up. It was very cordial with maybe a couple jokes here and there from both her and I. No talks about R. At one point she calls over the dog - he is a medium sized dog so she goes to kiss him on the top of the head and he backs away. I couldn't help but smile. It has been over 3 months since she saw him and now he just looks at her funny. We got a bunch of stuff sorted out- a lot of stuff went to the garbage. She had packed about 5 or 6 boxes to take home - seeing that this was her choice to move on I went and made myself scarce as to not help her. She later stopped me down stairs and started asking about S. What kind of activities have we done? What have we got planned? How is his summer been? How is baseball going? I ended up giving very simple answers.As RR put it litlle words lots of action. As she was leaving at the front door I needed to give my dog his evening walk so I took him out while she was packing her car. She said to me- my apartment allows dogs you know? I said OK. There is a park nearby and alot of dogs in the building. She then asked-if you need someone to watch him for a day or a weekend I will do it? ( My thought was-I don't think so!). Then she said I would like to have him over for a day or even a weekend. That's when I responded , I can see that you want to spend time with him - but this is something I need to think about. She gave me this befuddled look and said "really?". I said yes I need to think about it. And off I walked with my dog chin up- chest out up beat and positive.
V thanks for the words of enlightenment- it is blessing to have your support. RR - although your comments at times catch me off guard- you have been stellar in your advice and encouragement. Many thanks!
For all the others, Many times I do not post because I find I am more busy GAL and not foccusing as much on my sitch. When I do read the newbies new thread my heart just aches for them knowing the pain that I had to endure. And this is why i need to post more and pay it forward. Something I intend to do in the future.
Know I am thankful for all the individuals that continue to support me thru their kind words . Words of truth- some which hurt but are true(2X4s). Words of love and encouragement.
Know that I continue to pray for you all. God will NOT forsake you or I. Blessings!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
You are growing my friend. Sounds like you did a great job.
I just know that this whole episode had to be stressful at least heading into it. But you performed like a champ. Funny you referred to my approach as Alpha. I didn't see it that way initially but I can't disagree. We talk about becoming attractive to our Ws and IMO this is how it is done. Not some cologne or hairstyle but centered male confidence.
I love the part about the dog. I believe it was a test of sorts. Ws do that. They test. You passed. Now if you decide to let her take the dog, so be it. But you didn't jump on her bait. Silly games? I know.
As for your S... So now she takes an active interest? Trust me he will be fine. They will work it out over time but remember it is between them. Remeber I said this. W will use him to test you. She will see how much you blame her. And blame her all you want, just don't show it to her. If you want to read and better understand what she is going through google “negative sentiment override”. Fascinating stuff. You two are strong men and will survive. Right?
Better that she looks like she did than her best. At least at this point. IMO, she is not done. She has not moved on. Seems she is struggling with what she has done even if she has not taken responsibility for her portion. If she is anything like my W, this just happened to her. You probably caused it. Whatever. Remain the Lighthouse.
I'm happy this turned out as you described.
Last edited by RR17; 08/21/1802:53 AM.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
She looked very sluggish and old . She was wearing what I would refer to her black fat jeans and a sports bra. W has never been a obese woman during our R but in this case I could see some unsightly rolls. Her hair just blah- not what I would consider attractive. I would not date someone like this now.
That might be deliberate because she doesn't want you to get any false ideas. She'd make a real effort to look good if she wanted you back.
RR- thanks again - You were right it got stressful leading up to the meeting but it makes me content that I did things accordingly. As for the 32 inch waist, just so you know at BD I wore a 42-44 inch pants. I see that I was not in a good spot then. It seems now that my W and I have reversed roles I being at more healthy(my healthiest since high school) and her being her heaviest since I've known her. I also attribute my unhealthy miserable self to being in constant pain at the time. Having osteoarthritis in my ankles and knees and after working a 10 hour shift I always was in pain and resorted the the easiest thing to eat and being in pain often times I used food as my comfort and did very little to help around the house. Going thru this process I see now how detrimental that thinking is. At BD I was about 255-260 lbs. And know I am at 194with a goal of 180 which becomes very attainable.
I don't know if it is my detachment process but boy-she is not attractive to me at all right now. I did not feel any pitter patter- none. I spoke to a pretty lady at the gym just recently. She had a nice smile and I liked that she was taking care of herself by going to the gym. She kidded with me on how I should train her. I can see that I find this attractive. Now know I would never let anything proceed while being married although this is a nice boost to my ego.
David UK I see you have posted a couple times and I want to thank you for taking interest in my sitch. In regards to my friend the priest- He was the associate priest at my church when we got married and I have been in touch with him since. He is a true man of GOD - speaks with clarity and allows God's light to shine thru him. He has been instrumental in my healing process. As for your comment with her dress as to not want me to get my hopes up- I never even thought of that. What I do know is because of her current size she is very limited on what she can wear- that is why I made the comment about the fat black pants. If she did it to not lead me on- I can honestly say , I never really thought about it except how unattractive she seems to me at her current state.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
It is interesting how we see our spouses in a different light during these stages. Immediately after discovering EA years ago and during MC I would notice that my W looked better than ever. Her skin was smoother and she seemed to glow. Of course, she was exercising more in anticipation of a rendezvous. Not so much this go-round. W has a pooch and I can tell she isn't drinking enough water. The reason I point this out is that I believe some may be actual and some of our own personal filter. Obviously, people that are tormented by personal struggles can display physical signs of stress. Last time I lost several lbs in the trauma drama diet. Not so much this time. At 6', I'm 210 and want to lose 15lbs. I have never been over a 38 waist but would prefer 34.
Anyway, good for you.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
LW, I think you did Greg with the latest rendezvous, I know you have followed NC seriously and have kept it to the bare essentials. Your detachment seems to have proceeded well, you have more confidence and panache and I am sure she noticed it too. If she were to return in a couple of months will you be willing to work on the R? I know you really wanted to save the MR but have you thought about in recent times ? Do you know what you will need to se from her if and when she returns?
