Running was great, the meetup was at a brewery and I stayed there til 9 hanging out with the other runners. I felt immediately accepted into the group, but I want to stretch myself by opening up and talking more to make some friends. I texted W while I was there asking to FaceTime my son, but she told me he was busy playing with his cousins. I said fine, I'll try another day. She said today would work, so I said ok I'll call tonight at 7. So I will be contacting her on our anniversary after all, but I'm not going to mention it, just going to talk to son. I'll be thinking about W a lot today though. It's a sad, sobering day.
Anyone have tips for a first anniversary alone? Feel the feels and mourn, or distract myself? It doesn't feel like a depression sadness right now, just sad and wistful disappointment. There, I think naming the feeling helps. I think I'll try getting some work done now and come back to my feelings later in the day. I want to do some journaling or letter writing today to myself or to my wife, to really be completely honest with myself and with her. No plans to give it to her, I just need to write out all my feelings in a way I haven't done in a long time.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
This last time picking up my son, W was 45 minutes late because she said son didn't want to go. When I got to our meeting spot I texted her I was there, and she asked if I wanted to meet closer to her. I've been trying to stand my ground on this issue, so I said I would wait for her. If she wants to meet closer I want her to actually talk to me about it ahead of time, not just change plans at the last minute. She didn't say a word to me at the dropoff, and drove off while I was getting son in his carseat. The hardest thing about driving him home with me this time was that his clothes and backpack smelled like my in-laws' house, which brings memories to me of first dating W and spending a lot of time there with her. I had to open a window after a while to deal with it.
W has refused to close joint accounts, so I've just been spending them dry on things like mortgage payments and other bills. It's reached a low level now where there's not enough money there to pay off the credit card I wanted W to close. I've got enough money in my new checking account, but I have no idea how much money has hidden in her own account or what she is earning now. I am going to tell her tomorrow I am not paying her student loan anymore. I've switched all the autopays I could from our joint accounts to my new one.
It was a while ago since we talked about medical bills and health insurance premiums, but I think there is an understanding now that I will continue paying those costs. I want to change that. I would like to just tell W I am not paying anything for her anymore, and leave it up to her to figure things out herself or negotiate with me.
W changed her address with post office this week (didn't tell me, but notice came in the mail and there was a fee on our credit card). So that is one more step towards her filing for D. I keep thinking about things like that as signs of increasing distancing in our relationship. I've read relationships are always moving closer together or further apart. I have to stop hanging on to things like that though, and all the financial support I'm giving W as if holding onto it is preventing further distancing. Paying somebody's student loans and medical bills isn't a sign of closeness in a relationship when the person benefitting wants nothing to do with the person paying. It's just taking advantage.
I agreed to drop off son at W's work tomorrow, which could eat up 3 hours of my day travelling. Guess I can at least ask her to return the favor in the future. I don't feel as bad cutting off support now that she's working, but I also think whether she's working or not shouldn't really matter.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
Dropped off son today. It took 3 and a half hours out of my day because of the extra distance. I don't want to agree to doing that again, unless W makes similar effort for me. Even then, I think I'd rather just stick with meeting halfway. Another twenty minutes I probably could have dropped him off right at in-laws' house.
I was anxious all day yesterday and today about telling W I had changed all the autopays from our joint accounts to my new checking account, and she will have to pay for her student loan from now on. Also reminding her she is responsible for making payments on our joint credit card. Like so many other things like this, I got no reaction from her at all. Just an "ok, fine!" It still feels like a game of chicken, seeing who will flinch first. I expect D papers coming soon. Next step for me would be to ask her to pay half the mortgage and home and health insurance bills. That seems pointless though. Not enforceable in any way. I may go back on my commitment to paying her medical bills. I don't even know if she's seeing her IC anymore, she hasn't put any more appointments on our shared calendar. Now that my money is going into my own checking account, I can keep it there and not pay anything of hers.
I'm at the level of "done-ness" that would have been helpful a year ago, but I wouldn't have understood half what I do now. I'm sick of worrying about my finances and the effect divorce will have on them. Or the effect staying married will have on them, for that matter.
More important personal goal now is to get a job and decide whether I'm moving or not.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
Today W changed the password on the budgeting app we'd been using. She stopped using it when I started staying with friends last Nov., and I've stopped using it since she moved out a few weeks ago. I had been thinking of asking her if she even wanted the account and if I could change the password and email to my own (it was set up by her). She decided herself without talking to me about it though.
FaceTimed son tonight, always a pleasure. After hanging up (son hung up by accident, but we were done anyway), W texted me to say there's a birthday party in a couple weeks I could take son to if I wanted, she can't go because she'll be working. It's a weekend, so I would have son with me. The party has been on the calendar for a while, and I knew we'd have to talk about it soon. I just replied after a few minutes that I would think about it. The party is for the 3yo son of W's cousin who is recently divorced. Her husband cheated on her a year ago and continued to live with AP after confrontation, and she was very public about the whole thing on FB, including her dating which to me seemed to be just to spite her husband. Seemed very immature on both sides. She is the cousin I have snoozed on FB.
If I am only thinking about my own wants, I would absolutely not go to that party. It's not a relationship I need or want in my life. But if I am thinking about my son, I can see how it would be fun for him, and would be something he would normally have gotten to go to if it wasn't for W not wanting to be a family anymore. So I can give my son a couple hours of fun with his cousins, and practice being detached among W's family (if any are even there). I'll ask W if she has a gift for the kid, and if not I'll give son $5 to pick something out at Target.
This week I asked to meet W to pick up son earlier than 11am, and she said son "had a thing that morning at 8:30" and she couldn't be there earlier than 11. ??? What "thing" could my son have on a Friday morning??
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
Hi STH, it seems like it would be nice for your son to go to the party. It seems a bit awkward though to sit there alone, without your wife, socializing with everyone. Hopefully there will be some people there who are friendly and have no idea what's happening so you can just talk about normal stuff and enjoy your time!
I'd say "hell naw" to going to that party with the skeezy you-know-what there. You can take your son out to the arcade, go shooting, hiking, fishing, go to the playground, get McDonalds, call one of his other friends. So many awesome father son activities that there's no way I'd go to that toxic environment when I could enjoy my day.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
W texted asking me to bring her W2 and a copy of our tax return when I pick up son tomorrow. Also wants me to bring the last of her mail and asked me to return her library books. She is living about 2 hrs away now. A few weeks ago I did tell her I didn't want her dropping by and taking things from the house. She hasn't come around since then.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
The 8:30 thing for son tomorrow is a school evaluation near W's parents. I felt blindsided by that and we ended up in a typical argument for us. My mind races with scared and weak and angry thoughts, things I think I can't or shouldn't say, and W gets impatient with my silence, so I start talking but my tone is angry because I always feel like she is criticizing me for my silence. And I don't think I can just hang up because I feel like I have to respond but don't know what to say. She asked if I wanted to come with to the evaluation. Son started crying real loud because he wanted to make cupcakes. He sounded really distressed. I told W to take care of him and call me back. I tried to cool off during that time. When she called back she asked if my main concern was having equal time with my son. During the first call I said she was making a decision without me about son that would reduce the time I could spend with him. So I confirmed that was my main concern. She said she didn't even know what a schedule would be for school. I asked if she wanted to put son in school just so someone would be watching him or because she wanted him in school. She said he should be in school because he needs the stimulation. I reminded her that this wasn't even a consideration for her a few months ago when she wanted to move out. (She had said he didn't have to be in school since he was only 4). I think she was just quiet after I said that.
We didn't talk about the library books. I'm not taking them even though I was planning on going to the library with son this weekend. She wanted the W2 and tax return for enrolling son in the school. Is that really something that's needed? She's looking at a public school, we had son in a private school last year. I thought she might want them to work on divorce papers. Or gov benefits?
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
STH, I didn't think W2's and tax returns are necessary for a school enrollment but maybe to establish residency in a particular district? Why does she lives so far away from you know by the way? That sounds really inconvenient a lot of time for your son to be sitting in the car going back-and-forth.
I have the same problem as you not knowing how to respond and thinking all those thoughts and not being able to respond in a happy and carefree way. Sometimes we just have to do our best but this is the hardest thing ever. It's so hard to avoid shouting "maybe if you just came home and we could be a normal family again we wouldn't have to have all these conversations!"
I hope your son gets through all this ok. I'm so sorry for you and your son. I hope this situation gets better whether your wife comes back or not.
