Brave Little Gerda Trods On -- My Faith Journey

[DnJ]

Gerda - job is soooo right. Teens will test you. Reasoning with them, limited success - let them come to you.

If I recall son is 13. And now he doesn’t like your cooking. So, let him make a few suppers a week. It will give him some experience in the kitchen. He can’t complaint about a meal he prepared. Well he can but not at you.

He might even ask for help, or might not, either way offer it gently - he will want the help, just not want to have to admit it.


sjohns6 - yep (((hugs))).

[Gerda]

Oh gosh, DnJ, you have no idea what he is like. His old self would fry an egg, and even fry one for his sister. His current MLC-inspired self is just a total monster, yelling at me to come and clean his room, bring him food, which he then rejects, etc. I am constantly walking the tightrope of trying to set boundaries and not allow disrespect and also provide unconditional love. It's kind like walking through a nest of snakes in a dark room with a blindfold and a bag of mosquitos attached to my arm. I know I have to keep going through it but I sure don't know what I am doing and it's not fun.

But then at night, he is my beloved boy again.

He was diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder this spring. It's like a teen times ten. Was shopping lifting and running the streets in our huge city, but I just kept trying to make home a safe place and to always cook the things he liked. Then I bought him the PS4. But then when something clicks for him, usually at night, he is the most wonderful boy ever, tells me his true thoughts and feelings, his sorrow and fear of death and worry that I will die -- he says desperately, "You can never, never die," -- and so handsome, smart, funny, telling me he wants me to have a good life, and when he is rich he will buy me a cottage by the sea...

I have been keeping journals for both of my kids since they were born. My son of course got much more written, I recorded everything he did over the years and told him all my thoughts and hopes and love for him. My daughter's is a little more thin because I had less time for that once I had two -- and then MLC happened. Well, I thought I had lost my son's journal and it was KILLING me. I couldn't accept the loss of such a special thing.

Last week I decided to simplify my life and have been trying to clean out everything and get rid of stuff. And I found his journal. I literally sobbed with joy. So last night I wrote in it again. I only wrote once last year and before that it was several years since I had written. MLC stole that too. But I am back in business!

Well, here is my son demanding food so I will sign off.

[Coly23]

Oh Gerda, I am sorry you are going through a tough time with your S. It's such a confusing time for everyone.

All you can do is continue to be the loving and supportive Mum as you have been and hope that this will pass. I know D went through a terrible summer last year. She withdrew from all her friends and became very depressed. She is so much better now although she still has her down days.

I am so glad you managed to find your S's journal. I admire that you have written the journals since they were born. What a lovely record of their lives to pass on to them.

(((Gerda)))

[DnJ]

Snakes, blindfold, darkness, and mosquitoes. Lol. Very descriptive.

Your lad has had a tough time of this. I do think he has been influenced by H’s behaviour. Keep being a good and better role model for him; he will be influenced and he will follow.

Just a little food for thought here: Setting boundaries and not allowing disrespectful behaviour is unconditional love.

Parenting is hard. Kids need guidance. They have to learn from someone and you know H is not up to the task.

Kids need and want boundaries. They will run at them to see if they hold. There are lots of reasons why. Kids want to see that you still love them even after they defy you - they have to leave the nest eventually and need that unconditional love.

A boundary is also an expectation of them. They need expectations. When they meet expectations from their authority figure / parent, they feel better about themselves with pride and a sense of accomplishment. They learn to meet goals. They get positive interaction. They know they look good in your eyes.


I am happy you found the journal. That is a precious keepsake.

Take care Gerda

DnJ

[Gordie]

So glad you found that journal

O d d is a serious diagnosis

So hard to deal with in the best of times

And even harder without a spouse to help

Sometimes having the in house MLC spouse is even lonelier

[Gerda]

ALERT ALERT -- All my guy friends out here in DB forum land, I need your advice!

My S was kind of awful today, just asking me to fetch things for him every time he saw me, and when I asked if he wanted to go for a dog walk just now though it was 1 am, he just told me to get him a slice of pizza. I was so angry, said something really childish, left the house and then realized I had to move the car, crying at my lot in life, talked to God as I walked the dog and even got angry at the dog. Got the pizza and wrote my S a text that his pizza was on the table and I didn't want to talk. So he writes back that he would go out for the day tomorrow and I wouldn't have to see him. I was writing back a loving note about loving to see him when he walks into my room and lies on my bed and starts talking about how horrible he feels for his dad. He said to me he just feels so horrible for him because he is is always asking S to do things with him and S "just doesn't want to be part of the family right now," but he feels so bad because H has no life and no money and just hates his life.

I was so mad inside that my H gets all the sympathy from my kids and I am worked to the bone with no support of any kind but I tried to put on my listening hat and not say too much. I could see that my poor S is just so twisted up by this MLC madness, so I tried to explain again about mental illness and how H can't see clearly right now but that it's his choice to have no life and no money and it's not S's fault nor responsibility. S kept asking me why I can't tell H that he is depressed and needs help. Then S kept repeating the same thing about the reasons he feels so bad for H and THEN HE ASKED ME TO PLEASE TELL PAPA ALL THESE THINGS HE WAS SAYING. I started out with an explosive WHAT?! And then I tried again to actively listen. I said, "So you want me to tell Papa that. Why do you want me to tell Papa that?" But he couldn't really explain. He looked so lost and dreadful. I kept saying, Don't you think you would want to have a dad you could hang out with and be close to? If you don't want to be with your dad, it's not your fault! And I tried to talk about how I was the same with my mom, and always felt guilty but that as I grew older I realized it was no my fault, she had hurt me so much that I had to protect myself. But I couldn't tell if he was listening.

Remember a few weeks ago after my H basically BD's my S, S told me he never wanted to see his dad again and all that? Well I admit that I felt vindicated by that and was so happy to be "chosen," by my S, even though I didn't ever say anything about that or talk against my H or anything -- precisely the opposite, I said he would always be his dad and that one day they would work it uout. I am just admitting to you that I had those feelings. And that tonight I felt this weird so of jealousy or fear that my S would go back into the Camp of Insanity with my H. But I kept just trying to listen and mirror what my S was saying.

Finally at the end S thanked me for talking to him about it and said he would just try to live a busy life and not think about it!

So listen, DnJ, Gordie, SBJ and sjohn,and any other guys out there who want to weigh in -- I feel totally out of my element. I need the masculine take on what the heck I should say/do about this -- and I sure don't want to tell my H but I also imagine that my S will change his mind about that in the daylight. At night he really lets his guard down, I think because of my years of attachment parenting, co-sleeping and nursing making nighttime the time of deep trust and comfort.

[Gerda]

Thanks, Gordie -- I think it's not real ODD. I think it's circumstances, as it started when my H started his MLC (and abandoned his formerly very beloved S), and that if MLC would fade away, so would ODD. He is going to a special school this fall and I hope it will help. He has been a lot better since that BD of a few weeks ago, but I just posted about some confusion this evening. But yes, it has been hell and very hard to deal with all alone.

[Gerda]

Thank you, Coly, for the warm reply. I love to hear from you and it means so much that you are following my sitch and thinking of me.

What did you do to help your D? I also have a D9 but she is very different from my S and handles it all very differently. Also she is only 9. But I sometimes wonder if all the stress brought on the early puberty she is going through.

[Gerda]

DnJ,thanks as ever, for your wisdom. I love to read your advice and truly take it to heart.

I have found that all my strong parenting has been eroded by the past few years. As a teacher, I worked with the most at-risk youth possible, I was a tough but loving cookie and always knew just what to do/say. But with my own S, I slowly lost all feelings of authority. Expectations and rules became almost meaningless as he spiraled into a mirror of my H's MLC from the time he was 8 years old. Before that, he was such a beautiful boy, such a bright light, not an angel but pretty close. The only thing I didn't try through the spiral was violence, but eventually we even hit that point a few times and then I said that nothing was worth that. Getting the ODD diagnosis was actually a comfort -- when I read about it, I realized that it wasn't in my mind that my S didn't care what I said or thought or did or didn't care about consequences. We are in a better place now but he skipped over some parts of childhood and it's hard to find a new footing as mom.

He is hurting so much, I can't stand it sometimes. He is on a cross not of his own making. I can hang on mine as long as God wants but I have trouble watching my son up there, it's one of the only impediments to faith in my life.

I want to do just what you say but I honestly don't know how half the time. I know it might be easier if H weren't here.

Anyway, I am hoping that even though you have weighed in more than I deserve you will advise me again on the post I just made. Being around two depressed people in one house is really suffocating at times, but one of them, my S, I have always been able to comfort, nurture, help, and now it seems I don't know how.

Thank you so much for all, DnJ.

[Gerda]

P.S. My son wanted to talk and talk some more. Finally got him to sleep by reading to him. Talked about how terrible our life is. I told him that our life is pretty good except for the one thing. He asked if H would ever come out of it. I said I wasn't sure but that we could have a good life either way. He didn't believe me. He said he feels horrible that my life is bad, and I realized he is just so worried about both of his parents. Poor boy. I guess I don't show as strong a face as I should. Told me he thinks a lot about dying and hates being alone in the house -- he said he likes to do his own thing, play his video games, etc., but that I would be nearby. I have been avoiding being in the house sometimes because of H and because my S is so demanding, I end up doing work in a cafe to leave here, had no idea he wanted me around!

I know some of that death talk is normal teen stuff but gosh it is scary to hear and hard to know what to do to help him. (He said he has no plan to kill himself and wouldn't do that. He said he would go to therapy and I have to keep trying to get him to do that, at night he is so different and then in the day he refuses to do the things we talked about at night.) I realized I have to really be a light to him and not make him worry about me. I started talking really positively about my life and about what his life will be and it seemed to help. I guess I really need to make sure I am never sad or moping around him. Have to let him see my light and not ever make him feel responsible for my loneliness or happiness. I feel so bad at how mad I got earlier, it really affects him. I have to remember that and not allow myself to show that to him, it is too much for him right now.

Sorry for so many posts and such long ones, what a night!

If any of you guys do write back with tips for me about this, can you write as if you are writing to my S? What you would say to him if you got the chance to meet him to talk to him about this? It will help me to really understand what to say if you phrase it as you would phrase it to him, man to man. Not that I can be man to man, but I need the insight.