Gordie 21 going with my gut

[Gordie]

Sjohn

They asked q like how long have you known w

How long have you been married



Kyh and DNJ

That is one of her new behaviors

Every day or sometimes more than once a day she asks me how are you



DNJ

Yes the universe is magical

I think I need a telescope

Not sure why but have been spending a lot more time star gazing



Journaling

So a not close friend to whom I have not spoken of my situation but is close enough to have observed a lot over the past two years asks me

I heard a rumor that you and w are getting d and wanted to ask you if that was true

And I said no not that I was aware of and I left it at that without elaborating

Cannot control the rumor mill

[DnJ]

Good for you Gordie. You cannot control that darn rumour mill.

Spending more time star gazing, sounds good in my book.

Amazing how many people never look up.

The smoke has cleared, the sky is clear. I am looking forward to the meteor shower.

You plan on watching? Maybe inviting kids and W?

Just asking, not pushing.

W asking how are you. That’s a much better behaviour.

[Gordie]

DNJ

Yeah I hate being the subject of rumor but o well

There were times when I wanted to tell everyone because I was tired of the cover up

But am so glad that I did not

It would have only made things messier

For some reason I said I would only acknowledge publicly once the d was signed

And we never got there

Re meteors

It was too darn cloudy last night

But maybe tonight

Re asking how are you

I still usually say good or fine how are you

Still do not feel comfortable being more open and intimate

Nor does she

So we mirror each other in letting our guard down

Inch by inch

Snails deinitely move faster

[roist]

Better it being a rumour than the truth!! But still I understand. Remember you haven't seen this guy in a long time and his news could date back to when ye were nearly there. Regardless best yo brush it off without fanning the flames.

For me that little how are you is not so little. Because it is missing in my situation. It shows an interest. It is by no means ground shattering and can be somewhat superficial, it is still worth noting. Every now and again elaborate a good response maybe even exaggerating a recent experience:
"I'm great and delighted with how I beat my pb time this morning when running"
"I'm excited about the evening the my mate has organised next weekend"

You get the idea. In essence you give a glimpse of a better you.

All these little things are important to observe and encourage they are only signs. Positive signs albeit, still just signs. In themselves they don't mean much. Added together and built on consistently they form a foundation. Until then no expectations.

Best wishes

[Gordie]

Roist


Thank you for the reminder that rumor is better

And interesting how you all keyed into the how are you

Trying to let more in and out

But the walls are still up for both of us

Expectations creeping up too

So sometimes bugs me when she is just wrapped up in herself and pays me no heed

Reminder that this is non linear and to be patient

We have allowed ourselves to separate and be individuals again

But it lays bare the differences between us

Example is parenting

I expect a lot more of my older kids to take more responsibility for themselves

W criticizes this as bad parenting

Another example is communication

I am direct

And she is indirect

I stopped doing things for her

I have started again but only if she asks directly

But she finds it excruciatingly hard to do that

Whereas before if she just hinted at something I would do it

Now she hints and I will not do it or I will ask do you want me to do x and she will say no but all her non verbal communication says yes

Like when she was hinting about sleeping together

I want her to say or act clearly on what she wants

Instead I get ambiguity

I second guess myself and what the heck I am doing at times

Yes I want to forgive and reconcile

But I cannot do that as a party of one

[Gerda]

Yes I want to forgive and reconcile

But I cannot do that as a party of one

Dear Gordie! You re not a party of one in that! You definitely could not do it as a party of one. That's humanly impossible. That's what Christ is for. Just ask him everyday, and tell him you can't do it. Tell him to sand away that hard layer of expectation and that other hard layer of doubt. Ask Him for patience when you have none. Tell him you can't forgive and that you know He can.

Lately I have been realizing so much that when we are in exile like this, from our marriages, the return from exile is not the restoration of our marriage, as I had thought. It's the decision to continue to do God's will. If you think of someone living through the Holocaust or through some of the atrocities going on in the world today, how did they continue to walk in faith? Not by seeing their circumstances change.

I think I have realized that I never really wanted to be obedient to God unless it meant I could get what I want. Now I am investigating what it really means to walk in the light even when darkness surrounds me. I don't know what is going to happen but I do know that God gives me a courage I never had when I think in this way.

Anyway, the point is, you are not alone and you can never rely on yourself to be able to forgive. Maybe reread Paul talking about still doing the things he hates and what conclusion he comes to?

My son keeps coming in to show me designer clothes he wants to sell on eBay and I keep trying to write this so I had better shut it down and give that boy my full attention even though it's almost 2 in the morning -- or so that we will both go to sleep!

[roist]

Gordie

There were always and always will be differences. Fact of life. It's the distance between ye that enhances them now or at least highlights them.

No one likes criticism and I am sure your W doesn't make it constructive. That makes it harder to take.But peel back your initial reaction to her and ask is there any truth or positive motivation in what she says. For the record, based on my following your posts, I don't believe that you are wrong in your approach to kids. You seem level headed and fair. But I have learned that one being right doesn't automatically mean the other is wrong. In relationships and parenting things are rarely black and white.

Those emotional walls!With detachment and self protection it is normal and even essential to have these on place. At the moment I believe mine are higher and stronger than those of W. Yours could be too. Piecing is supposedly so hard because those walls have to come down and we are forced to face a lot. I think you should consider placing some windows that open in your walls. Open them when safe and appropriate to do so. But you are not in piecing yet, do keep the walls in place IMO.

I would be wary though of you projecting your vision of how things should be to allow reconciliation. By all means be aware and adamant about the main points, but I believe many LBSs try yo lay down their way forward and if reality wanders slightly from that plan, no forward movement is allowed. You prefer her to communicate directly. Understandable. Try to foster that by encouraging and rewarding it. But don't insist on perfect communication all the time. At her best W wasn't/isn't perfect. Sometimes not perfect is as good as it gets. Sometimes the WAS should be given the benefit of some leeway or deviation from the ideal. After all they are only human and not at their best. That doesn't mean the effort/motivation wasn't genuine. All that being said I do believe the onus should remain on the WAS to make consistent efforts towards improvement in the first place. Just don't block everything imperfect as sometimes that is the best that we (or they) can do .

My points are general and not specific to you nor your post, but I thought they are good reminders.

One point I would make is that you seem frustrated when W doesn't act the way that you want/EXPECT. There ate times when their behavior is distant. That isn't nice to experience but it is part of your current reality. Accept it and try not to be so disappointed when she isn't the way you want her to be. I fully understand those frustrations. I imagine your expectations are too high. Look into that.

Best wishes

[Gordie]

Gerda and Roist

Thank you for listening to my rant

Sometimes I just have to vent

Safer to do here than elsewhere

Yes Gerda I am not alone

I am having one of those dry spells

Where I pray and and pray and pray and feel nothing

I know this too is normal and part of the faith journey

I have had periods in my life where I have felt God in a very real way

But this is not one of them yet as you remind we must persist

And yes Roist

You may have meant your comments to be general

But feel you have experienced so much of the same

That it seems very specific

I read what you wrote and said

Walls yes

Imperfect communication yes

Expectations yes

Frustration yes

All of it yes I know you are right

I guess I had a flashback of the bad old days

I came home yesterday

And w was eating dinner with the kids

I sit down and she avoids eye contact

She will talk to kids

But not to me

In my head I am saying really

Not this again

And then after I wrote the above post

She was a little more interactive

One day at a time

[neffer]

One day at a time, and one day different than the other. After such a long journey, with all the ups and down, it´s not a small achievement.

All my best wishes for your family, Gordie.

[OneArt]

Gordie:

I'm sorry it is still so tough, but you know that. Again, all you can decide each and every day is whether you can take it on that day.

You know, you don't have to let her little games get to you. You don't have to notice the eyes, or feel the pain of the dispassionate voice or the cold shoulder. YOU can make the decision that you are not going to let those things bother you. You have been to a circle of hell that few can imagine (I still cringe at her taking the children around OM and having them wear clothes he bought, etc). If you can survive those things, you can make it through this.

The only person you control in this is you and your feelings. If you can't change your situation, your only choice to maintain sanity is to change the way you feel about it.

I once read this post someone with an MLCer wrote. They said if you can take the bad stuff and instead replace it with an image of her sitting on a park bench thinking through the things she needs to think through and how she is going to get back to you all, then it is a lot more bearable. I do that sometimes. Instead of the affairs and the lying and the abandonment of the kids, I just think of him sitting on a park bench, doing what he can to work through his problems. It may not help him, but it sure does make me feel a lot better about the situation.

Always #teamGordie