Letting go for my own inner peace

[Gordie]

Irish

No surprise you are protecting your Ds

You are the best dad

Pray all the tests go well

XW and her L are both nuts

[DnJ]

Great news that D16 has been symptom free for so long. I hope all her recent test results are good.

Irish, I feel a connection to your situation for what are probably obvious reasons. I am sorry it has ended up this way.

I know you are in a good and healthy place, and that you are also not made of unfeeling stone. Indifference is not impervious nor absolute, some times things still get through. It is, and will be, ok.

Her persistence in this latest course of action is unfortunate. I completely agree with what you are doing with lawyer.

Best of luck to you and your girls.

[Gerda]

Hi, Irish -- You sound like such an amazing dad, and a rock for your girls! I hope the tests all come back okay. Gosh it's so painful to be a parent!

I just wanted to say that no matter how disgustingly horrible and awful their mom is right now, they will suffer more if they never forgive her. And when my own mom died, that was what was most devastating to me, that she didn't know I was working on forgiving her and had a whole plan to start seeing her a lot more and loving her unconditionally. And I'm in my 40's, it still is a thorn.

I'm not saying they can do that right now. I'm just saying that the rhetoric of your narrative about it is very justice-oriented. I don't know what kinds of conversations you are having with your kids, but for example, removing her mom from her birth certificate makes no sense except as an act of despair and bitterness. I would plant tiny little seeds of forgiveness sometimes. Rage is way more damaging than sorrow. My H has taken money out of my D's wallet twice and while I of course counsel her about it and of course make a much better hiding place and opened a bank account so it won't happen again, I did also encourage her to forgive him enough that she has no anger/bitterness about it. It's different for her than your girls because she still really loves her dad. I am sure that when she is older that will hit her more, the crazy neglectful things he did, but I am glad that for now she can pray for him and also hang out with him without making it too complicated, I think it will make it easier for her to work through anger later. I am not comparing this to your sitch at all, I know your daughters need to be protected on all fronts from that amount of craziness and should not see their mom or share details of their lives if they don't want to. I just wonder about helping them understand mental illness to pave a future path toward forgiveness (even if they have no actual relationship with her) instead of trying to erase the connection entirely. As a woman, I have experienced much more peace about my mom with that approach than when I was set on the other path of always justifying my hatred/anger.

I just printed out something about mentally ill parents for my son, I will try pasting it here in case it could be helpful. I edited it down from something I found on a blog. It even helped me thinking back on my life with my mom when I was a teen.

[Gerda]

Looks like it worked but of course all the images don't come through. Here's the document --

It’s tough to talk about these stories, but they need to be said. I’ve compiled a list of 10 things only kids of mentally ill parents can understand:

1. Having a mentally ill parent is like having a parent with a physical illness that you can’t talk about.

2. “Unpredictable” is the best way to describe living with a mentally ill parent every day.

3. You may not fear for your safety, but you’ll always fear the worst will happen.

4. When the good days are good, they are really good. When the bad days are bad, they’re worse than you can imagine.

5. The good times make you question if the bad times really were that bad… until the next outburst.

6. Things can change on a dime.

7. Public outings are stressful because you don’t know what will happen next.

8. You feel guilty when you wonder if it’s better to have an absent parent or a mentally ill parent.

9. You feel guilty when you wish for a physical disability because it seems easier.

10. Even when you’re with your parent, you still feel so alone.

[job]

Irish,

I am so sorry that she's still at it and can't get it. As for her lawyer, well, all he sees is dollar signs and even though he knows the law, he is going to do to what his client requests of him/her. He/she may have advised her to drop her silly nonsense, but your xw may have persisted. Your lawyer should be able to nip all of this in the bud with the recent letters.

Your daughters are old enough to know what they want and they are no longer 5 years old. She can't accept that they are just about grown and do not want to be involved in her drama. Some day, they will forgive her for her nonsenses, but it will be a long time coming. As for your xw, I pray that she gets professional help to help her navigate the muddy waters that she has created.

[Brubeck]

Irish -

Who knows if your XW means any of the stuff coming through her L.

Maybe she needs to create drama, some new emotional chaos to keep the focus off of themselves - and to feel alive.

Maybe she needs to feel in control, and in her mind this is a power stab against you.

Maybe she really wants to know how D16 is doing. Maybe she's genuinely concerned. If that were the case, wouldn't it be best to call or email you? She's gotta do the work. Does she think lawyers are going to freaking enable any kind of desired contact between her and her daughters?

I also think it's 50/50 that she actually got married. I wouldn't mention that she remarried, unless your girls ask for new information about her. It could be something said to her L just for effect.

Great job, as always, Irish. Keep it going!

[rd500]

Hi Irish, just to offer my pennies worth , EXW has to be struggling with the loss of her family.amd D's ( though who knows how much) . Is she ill or is it MLC or is it who she has become ? It doesnt really matter , you are dealing with your life , your Ds growing in to adults and having to deal with so much more than an ' average ' teen ( obviously there is no average ) and through it all you are being a great parent. The letters from her L are nonsense and I'm glad your having them stopped. It's unfortunate but i would concour with other posters that there is a method to her madness but it's not even worth wasting thought on imho.

I was chatting with a lady recently and we were discussing single parenthood. Her father left when she was 4 months and was always a weekend dad. I mentioned how my father left when i was 11 and she was so upset for me because she always considered herself to have 4 parents , her biological mum and dad and her step mum and dad. She really made me think because while we all might share an experiance , we all experiance it very differently. Your Ds have their own thoughts and feelings on what's going on and gone on in their lives.. I sense you aren't terribly comfortable with all the praise you ( deservedly ) get on here but as someone in your position re the mother leaving i have an idea of the emotions, etc from your D's that you are dealing with and i applaud you for keeping them to the forefront but also living your own life too. It's a delicate balance but again you manage it in a way that deserves admoration and your a guide for alot of us on here.

Keep on being the rock for the young ladies, take care , Rd

[OneArt]

My guess is that she got a rush from the contact when you first responded to the lawyer so she is enjoying the subsequent letters. Unless Canadian legal practice is substantially different from the US, I doubt that there is any case there. Of course I would also be surprised if you would have grounds for a restraining order against her.

In addition to your daughter's age, didn't she walk away from any custody/visitation years ago. In my jurisdiction, you commit neglect by failing to meet basic parenting functions. My counsel has advised I have no obligation to inform my spouse of any matters concerning our minor child as a result.

Sadly I think it is another situation where the only response is absolute silence. She is obviously getting supply from this little dance. Legally it sounds like she has no grounds. I would stop spending the money on the lawyer and just trash the stuff she is sending.

Two more years of drama for you I guess. Sorry, I had hopes a while back that she was starting to come around.

[Irish M]

HI guys, a big thanks for all your support. Doctor said that hasn't changed in size and since D16 hasn't had any symptoms it looks good. We should get a call from a 2nd doctors office for final tests. This should be in the next 3 months. Movement tests and stress test just to see how things go. Since the majority of symptoms were when she was doing very physical activities

on the XW side , I saw my lawyer and a nice closure letter from him to XW and her lawyer was sent. I'll fill in those details below.

Gordie, thanks man, you are an amazing dad too. We are all parents doing the best we can for our kids.

DnJ, I think about your story often when I come here. I don't post much anymore on other posts but I will update my sitch as things progress , Good or bad. I hope one day I will post something good and positive about XW and the girls, that their mom came to her senses and connected with them in a healthy way.

I think her persistence is that she is finding it hard. The girls birthdays and such important ages 16 and 18. I'm sure she is not handling things well and this is her way to voice out. Too bad its still her entitlement and not her compassion for what she did to them. D16 still repeats what her mom said.. " I'm not your mom anymore , it's my time now" and walked out.
Hard thing to forget.

by the way your quote - I may give up, but not today. I love it.

Hi Gerda

I completely understand what you are saying . Never in a million years would I keep the girls away from healthy mom. I tell the girls often that they will connect with their mom one day. Will it be now, not a chance because the girls know she is not the same loving person that she once was. They won't accept or settle for this broken version who has nothing to offer them except a drunk as a husband, parties and anger if they question it. What parent in their right mind would encourage their kids to be in contact with that kind of person. Not me

Forgiveness to me and my girls comes with the person that did wrong accepting what they had did wrong and did something to correct it. Why would the girls forgive her if she continues to do it. I didn't raise the girls and neither did my XW to accept it for what it is. It's not hatred they have for her, it's indifference and wanting nothing to do with her. Them telling her to leave them alone and they will reach out is the right thing to do. D18 comments about removing her mom from her birth certificate is a teen venting out . It won't happen , i won't allow it and she doesn't push to have it done. It's all words.

Understanding mental illness they do. They know she is not well. We openly talk about it.

thanks for your 10 items on mental illness. Made me remember some moments that i thought I forgot about.
Also most of these don't apply. I believe these reflect someone who is bipolar that shuffles between normalcy and manic behavior

In the girls case number 3 stood out . They will never get in a car with her again. After the drive she gave them and slamming on the brakes so my D16 who was 12 at the time could have her face smash in to the back seat. . And D18 who was 15 , was nearly pushed down the stairs and slapped in the face because she questioned her moms new hickey on her neck from OM1 a week after moving out.

Hi Job
thanks for your continued support, since day 1. Yes her lawyers is cashing in, it's sad but her own mess to handle.

Hi Brubeck

I believe you are right about the drama. She is on a high as per her neighbor. Telling the world how happy she is , her marriage to OM2. Never one word about her kids.

As for contacting the girls directly. No clue why she doesn't . They do read her messages. They talk, then they decide together what to do or if they reply. She has their emails. Which I could of changed because they came with our service provider. I opted to stay with the current one even thought it is more expensive so email addresses don't change. That small window is there for them. Too bad her messages have been poorly received but the girls see through the entitlement and non loving mom that she is . One day she will get it.


Hi Rd

always a huge thanks to you. RD500 is a nick that will always be part of the positive side of this MLC.
I agree. she is wasting time and energy. I respect the girls choices and them seeing that they have a choice to stop the damaging affects is good. My lawyer is shutting this down before it gets even messier. Hopefully XW will take it as a wake up, That she cant manipulate me or them. Learn from it after it spins in her head.

Hi OneArt

tried to find your story. Hope you post it one day. I'm sure it can help someone here living the same thing. You seem strong and been through a lot.

You are correct on the no grounds.. this brings me to my Lawyers letter to XW and her lawyer

My lawyer decided to do this no charge. He was disgusted by the letters he read from XW lawyer. The manipulative way , trying to scare me and not respecting D16 wishes at all.

A few of the main points in my Lawyers letter were clear and to the point.

that the method in which XW lawyer wrote to me was manipulative , ill-founded, and demonstrated a threatening, abusive and damaging position which has no merit.

That it must now cease and desist immediately, in default of which, moral damages shall be ultimately claimed for the harassing, threatening, abusive and destructive methods utilized by the lawyers client (XW) against the interests of myself , and more specifically, against D16’s interests.

He asked her to clarify the scenario with her client( XW) so as to avoid future unnecessary litigation,


I think XW lawyer stepped out of bounds with her tactics. I'm not one to sit back and let entitlement and narcissistic Xw have her way. I won;t be bullied by a lawyer who clearly fell for XW victim story and had not seen or asked about any facts. I know it's not DB'ing. I am well past that.

I feel good about the lawyers letter. It will surely give XW something to think about. Hopefully it can fuel some change in her ways . We still pray for her. Just want a healthy her

take care. sorry for he long read.

[DnJ]

Great news about daughter!