Be on your toes. They swing back and forth from being nice and then going into monster mode. Usually when they are quiet and then poke their heads out a bit, they are or have been up to something. I hope I am wrong about this...but it sounds like he may be starting the distancer/pursuer dance.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes Job. My thoughts exactly. Time wise we are entering the danger zone from bomb drop and the start of the most recent "relationship." Limerence must be tapering off, and with the filing he has the realization of what he stands to lose (particularly monetarily), how much it is going to cost, and that he will have no access to me or the kids through me any longer (and because they won't respond, that's a double whammy). If he was pressured into doing it, he is likely resentful and taking it out on someone. I think he really, really likes to be pursued, so I am staying way far away and avoiding all communication so there is no question that I am not doing it. I just worry about the child at home and the likely response to this unexpected showing of emotion. If that child opens the door, it will bring him into my orbit in a most unwelcome way.
OLD=online dating. I set up a fake profile (no picture, but pretty much my real data). The site sends me matches (which keep turning up his profile--which has his picture) and sends me emails when someone has looked at my profile, sent me a message, given it a check, etc. He is now looking at and poking at this profile on a daily basis.
Ah I see. Do you think he suspects it’s yours? Im trying to follow whats happening in your thread, did you have to change your screen name here bc he is reading your posts?
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
That you can more than handle anything he throws at you
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Not much has happened with my situation. More subtle attempts to get my attention (although ramped up) and ongoing method of communication with children, although they continue not to respond. Now the tone of those is becoming somber. There was a rather sad gesture on his big day, but we all made it through. No progress on the divorce.
Both of my children are showing real maturity and progress and I am so thrilled for them. My D is having a great year and is finally getting the opportunities that I think she deserves in her program. She will get to tour Europe for the first part of summer and hopes to spend the rest of it in a great program on the West Coast. My S is finally stabilizing in his academics (he eked out a fantastic year last year, but largely on his ability to take midterms and finals under enormous pressure). He is getting back to his activity after injury and is embarking on some new social adventures and community service that are right up his alley. I have signed him up for an activity over the Christmas holidays that should be one he will remember for years to come.
I am beginning my DivorceCare class today. I think it comes at a good time for me. I have reached enough of a place of peace, that I have been able to keep letting go. Every time I think I have let go all the way, I find new depths. I imagine it is like ridding your house of things that cause you memories. You start with the obvious things, but over time you keep finding smaller or hidden things that still stir you up. But, I have realized, that there is a huge sense of loss in letting go of the hope that I had for my H. The hope that he would "come out of this", the hope that he would restore his relationship with the children, and maybe a very small hope that he would restore his relationship with me in some way, dare I say that we could even be friendly some day, if not friends. Letting go all the way feels like giving up on him. I hate quitting. I am not a quitter.
I'm trying to tell myself that I can let go of that hope and that my doing so will not hurt him. But I confess that it still brings tears. I haven't seen him for a year and I've talked to him only twice in that time I think, with a few emails on business matters. He can't possibly know where I am mentally. Therefore, intellectually I understand that he can't feel that I am giving up on him, and that therefore he can't be hurt by it. But it is still a struggle. For years I worried so much more about him than myself, and indeed more than my children as well. That is a big reservoir of shame that I will have to dip into before long.
I've also realized that I can't be good support for others or at least the type of support that some seem to want. I don't have it in me. I feel a very visceral reaction to my own sense of being stuck. I can kick myself in the butt and force myself to stop wallowing, but that doesn't really work well for other people.
I don't feel a profound sense of outrage that this happened to me. I don't feel unloved or undeserving because it did. I just feel that, in life, sh$t happens. It happens to all of us. I don't feel any more entitled to get out of this than anyone else. I don't think anyone is going to get me out of it. I'm not waiting for anyone to save me, but myself. And I'm mad as h$ll at myself that it has taken this long to find my fight again.
I think I really see my marriage now. I see it as an outsider who had intimate knowledge of the part of it that I witnessed with my own eyes. I see the places it got off track and I see my part in it. But you know what, I didn't do anything profoundly awful. I didn't do anything that couldn't have been resolved, worked through, and even tolerated. I believe him now. I think I just married someone who didn't want the same things in life I did.
I wanted and still want a life of virtue. I want a life of intellectual and emotional challenge. I want adventure and fun, but I want depth and feeling. I want the entire prism of human emotion and struggle. I married someone who wanted a shallow partner and a relationship that resembles a roller coaster ride. I wanted a deep partner in a stable relationship who would occasionally take me to a roller coaster ride. We were never going to make it. It is astounding that we made it as long as we did. I think that is a testament to both of us.
I was in the car when my child was talking to a friend about another classmate. He said I can forgive this boy because he has had a very challenging childhood and he is probably not able to do any better than he is doing. In that moment, I realized that my son does not see himself as having had a difficult childhood, and that made me feel joy. Joy, happiness and a lightness in my heart that I have not felt for a very long time.
