Just to clarify, we are still in house together, major building works going on so house is a mess, bedrooms all over the place. It has made the situation even harder. W swans in and out as her mood takes her. This is my predicament. I think given what you said AStander, I did the right thing. I did exactly as you suggested above.
Some great advice and encouragement from everyone here. It is appreciated very much.
Good, yes I agree it sounds like you did just fine. Separation seems terrible and scary, but a lot of times it really helps with these situations because you can establish rules and boundaries that you can't have while living together. It also gives the WAS the time and space they want so badly.
Yes, but she won’t budge AStander. She wants house sold, end of. So she can ‘have her own house’ so she said yesterday. I kind of suggested she go and get some space and even suggested paying for it but she won’t have it. I know this was a mistake on my part but emotions got the better of me. Damn I was doing so well. Interestingly she also has NOT done a thing about the separation although she told me she had. It was apparent when we were discussing it yesterday as she did not know anything about the process or forms and I did as I had researched it thoroughly. I asked why the separation rather than D - Her reasons ‘I didn’t want to write nasty stuff about you’. Trouble is, in legal sep. you need to still give reasons as in D! This gave game away. She then said she had no feelings for me ‘at the moment’.
I know I cannot control this but my fear is that she will do this irreparable damage to the family and our life and later realise what she has done once the fog has lifted and reality sets in.
uk, she is talking right now. WASs are notorious for talk. Is she doing anything to sell the house? Worry about that when you see action!
My W talked constantly about getting a job and getting her own apartment. My initial snooping found she was even researching apartments. When I gave her an ultimatum about transparency early on she started working on her resume.
Action right? Even action sometimes isn't action. Web searches on the topic and even working on something isn't the same as applying for jobs, and once she had enough cash, applying for an apartment. See the difference.
"I want to buy my own house!" So easy to say. Do you see any action on that? Is she contacting realtors? Is she going on viewings? You said your current house is being renovated, could you even put it on the market right now?
LBS love to worry about things they shouldn't. She won't budge. WHO CARES? It doesn't change what you should be doing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I know this was a mistake on my part but emotions got the better of me. Damn I was doing so well.
Don't sweat it, no one thing got you to this point and no one thing will make or break it now that you're here. DB'ing is not about doing everything right 100% of the time, it's about trying things and seeing what works and doesn't work and adjusting your approach accordingly.
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Interestingly she also has NOT done a thing about the separation although she told me she had.
Very common. If you can effectively remove the pressure she may just let it sit indefinitely.
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She then said she had no feelings for me ‘at the moment’.
Just listen and validate. "I understand you have no feelings for me, I am sorry you feel that way."
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I know I cannot control this but my fear is that she will do this irreparable damage to the family and our life and later realise what she has done once the fog has lifted and reality sets in.
I understand your fear, I had the same fear. Mostly I was afraid that my kids would be wrecked. And to be sure they did go through some rough times, but they got over it and they are all doing fantastic. One has her degree and is working and another just got her degree last Friday and started working today. My fear was unfounded, because despite the M falling apart my kids had two very loving parents who gave them 100% support all the time. Rather than fretting over what damage this will cause your kids, ask yourself what you can do to get them through this with as little impact as possible, and then do it. A lot of us were checked out dads near the end of our M's and became much more involved after BD. Many LBS's report having a stronger relationship with their kids than ever before. So BD can be a blessing in disguise.
It's not your circus anymore. She might have set you up to see stuff, she might not have. I know you cant avoid stuff. The kids need their tooth brushes. Mine I needed to refill the hand soap, and she had stuff under the sink. I understand you can be going about things, and are bound to "find" stuff inadvertently. I understand the pain.
One thing that resonated with me is "Be the Duck" When you see a duck, on the surface it looks calm, peaceful and upbeat... under the water it can be freaking out and thrashing about, but you dont see it.
We had to set up a schedule, especially with the kids. GAL. If your with the kids, get them out of the house. Picnic, park, playground... get out and have fun. Give her space. If she's got the kids, get out... Gym, bike etc... UK.. Hmm... Pub?
Your now "Busy"... ALL THE TIME. Make plans... It's hard. Think like a single guy that's NOT on the prowl. New hobbies, activities.. you need to be a better you. Do stuff you've always wanted to do.
I find listening to Les Brown on youtube helpful. It's only temporary.
Thanks CD. I must hunt out Les Brown. I also like the duck analogy.
Was just writing on another thread about wedding rings. When this happened, W removed rings but I said I would keep mine on. Stupidly in an act of tit for tat I removed mine a few weeks later. I’ve not had it on since. Now I think that was a bad move. Should I reinstate it or will that just look ridiculous now?
I've struggled with this too. In my mind there is no other legit reason other than Adultery to divorce. Religious and all. I still consider myself married. I reacted to this by moving my ring to the other hand. If she does finally does admit that she has slept with someone, it comes off for me. She has broken the trust that the ring symbolizes. She has broken our covenant. I don’t believe in divorce, but its not up to me. I think this is a very deep personal choice. Your choice.
I’m not religious but I also do not believe in divorce. I am a man of integrity and a wholesome family man. I took a vow and I intend to stick by it. I refuse to be party to the destruction of our family unit. I build and I fix. W said yesterday that I should divorce her. I will not. Adultery would also be my limit. I always said that. She has denied so far. I think I will reinstate the ring. This way I am being true to myself and my beliefs rather than stopping down to the W level. I will rise above and be the better person.
Things have been calmer for a day or so. But this is mostly because we hardly saw each other it spoke. The communications are starting to break down. I was referring back to earlier days after BD but before DB. She seemed warmer and more engaged then. Laughing at my jokes and messages, checking I was ok etc. Things have definitely slid backwards in that regard. Are there any circumstances where instigating conversations and trying to get her to warm up are acceptable even though this goes against all DB principles?
I struggle to with this but it does seem like detaching, even no contact, Gal etc are the only things that will give your W he space to realise what she stands to lose. I’m so freaked out right now because my w’s Actions of late can only lead me to have to try accept she is serious - she moved out on Saturday and took a whole load of stuff with her and the D has been filed. This is so tough, I honestly think it’s harder than when I lost my first wife- this time I get anguish, hurt as well as the grief. Hang in there UK
Me:48 W:43, Kids:S19, S17, S10, S8 M:10 years BD:06-18-2018
