I'm Broken II

[bhappy2]

H, Just wondering how you are doing?

[HelenaJ]

Thanks you guys for the words of encouragement and for checking in on me. We are home from vacation and back to work. Im doing ok, detaching quite a bit. Decided to get involved in my sorority alumnae club, going to the annual meeting this Sunday. Other than that, I have a lot of intense emotions that come and go but words escape me. I just dont seem to want to talk about it. Im not sure what that means.

[LoneWlf]

Welcome back H, Good to see you are getting out and involved with your sorority one more thing to keep you occupied.
I too struggle with these intense emotions mostly between sadness and anger. I try to let my anger fuel me to do better in what I do - sometimes it helps. I know we have a long way to go but we have to remain steady and positive. my prayers are with you and your family. Blessings.

[NicoleR]

Helena, I think we all have periods of feeling disaffected because we get so burned out from feeling bad all the time. I hope as you detach you're able to also gain a new perspective about your situation and see it in a different light. Perhaps seeing it more from a distance will help you to better plan how to proceed after your son graduates.

[HelenaJ]

Hi Nicole. I certainly hope that detaching will help me see things from a new perspective. I'm doing fairly well with it, most of what he does or says doesn't concern me. The one thing that continues to be very difficult for me is actually having to be the one to initiate a separation. I'm very concerned that my kids will see that and think that I am the one who doesn't want our life. And the way that H has framed it all is so very difficult. If I choose anything other than to stay, I am putting my own happiness above my children's, which is of course not something a Mom would typically choose to do. I am really struggling with this, I don't know how I would be able to deal with their emotions if they were negative toward me. My kids are my reason for everything, especially now that there is no M left. So can anyone tell me how I can possibly shatter their lives? This will always be the hardest part for me and from where I sit now, I can't see what my future looks like because I don't know that I will ever be able to tell them that I am leaving their father.

[HelenaJ]

Oh and bhappy, if youre reading, I think I am going to do a 5k in Sept 1 with S17 and following your lead with no alcohol until after that. I drank enough on vacation anyway

[LoneWlf]

If I choose anything other than to stay, I am putting my own happiness above my children's, which is of course not something a Mom would typically choose to do. I am really struggling with this, I don't know how I would be able to deal with their emotions if they were negative toward me. My kids are my reason for everything, especially now that there is no M left. So can anyone tell me how I can possibly shatter their lives?

Hello Helena, One of the things I feel very strongly about is that once you have kids you forfeit the right to play the " me first - me only card" You always have to put the kids first -they never asked for this. For my sitch as you have been following my S doesn't want any interactions with W. I have tried to facilitate but I now know to stay out of the way. My S has only visited my W place once for a meal where he said he doesn't even remember how his mom looks because he did not want to look her in the eye. For me that would be the ultimate rejection and having to live with out interaction from my S would result in slow painful death. I do not have an answer but pray that you and your family find a peaceful solution for you all. Blessings!

[HelenaJ]

LW, I dont disagree with you about not getting to play the me first card when you have children. Actually, I dont think ones life is lived in the most fulfilled way by putting me first in general, but thats just my opinion. There are sort of two different mes....the sort of outside one which should be as unselfish as possible, but there is also the internal one that needs to be protected and this is the self I mean when I say, for instance, I need to be true to myself. Does that make sense?? Circumstances would have to be pretty extreme for me to agree with someone leaving their marriage when they have kids. I view my circumstances as pretty extreme and I dont see myself as insisting on being first (even though I do believe spouses should place one another first). My H has already left the M and knowing that has made it next to impossible to back to living as a happy family the way we once were. I have a lot of guilt for not being able to ignore what I know and somehow get back to where we were. But I am human and I just cant pretend and it has nothing to do with a need to be first or even a need to be happy. Its more of a need to LIVE, period and be true to that inner me that says there is something very wrong with the way my H is treating me. As for the atmosphere inside the home, H and I have a lot of power struggles about anything and everything that I might have an opinion about and my R with my children is also very heavily influenced by H. Even still though, if H said hed had a change of heart or wanted to try again or wanted to go to counseling or showed any signs of wanting to R, I would. But short of that, how does one proceed in this situation?

[SteveLW]

Helena,

I appreciate your latest post. And it read like a open, honest stream of consciousness. It was very heartfelt and I think you captured what a lot of posters think and feel.

But I approach life in a pretty simple way.

1) ALWAYS do the right thing.
2) When tempted to do the wrong thing, see rule #1.

I feel that today too many people do what they want to do. Or they do things because they think others want them to do it. Or they do it in order to manipulate someone else. This board is FULL of people struggling with these tendencies.

I adhere to the above for one simple reason....because doing the right thing is the right thing to do.

This is what I aspire to. I make mistakes. I stumble. I fall. I sin. I am not perfect, but that philosophy is what I strive for every day and every minute.

Because when you do the right thing because it is the right thing to do, and for no other reason, everything else falls into place. (Please note, this doesn't guarantee a problem free life!)

[HelenaJ]

Thanks for posting. If only we knew for certain what the right thing is in difficult circumstances. Some right things are always right and never change regardless of circumstances, but those are like the Ten Commandments ha. Much else in life is grey and open to interpretation. I think honoring our vows and having at least a healthy interacting family, if not happy or healthy marriage, is still the right thing and I would choose that if I could. But I dont think we can get back there. Im not going anywhere, there is still time for him to change his mind. I dont think he will, but nonetheless, there is time. Much like you did with the one year timeline you set for yourself, I am waiting with the end in mind. As H and I drift farther and farther apart, our interactions become more and more strained and we are struggling, even as a family. Im not sure that I believe anymore that staying together as we are is best for the kids, we are simply deteriorating and there’s no other way to put it. That is why the marriage is the foundation of the family. Without it, well, I guess you become us. Our dynamic is sad, weird, tense, harsh, and most of all extremely unfortunate bc it doesnt have to be this way.