I am new here and I have lurked and read over the past few months. I guess I am posting now because I am confused and not sure what I should do.
A little context. My wife and I have been together for over 5-1/2 years and 6 months into our relationship I was struck on my motorcycle. I have been known constant pain since. It did change who I was as I let my pain break me and consume me. I over time slowly started shutting my wife out and the affection started to fade. I just didn't have it in me. The start of this year I started fighting my pain harder. I tried being more affectionate. Our sex life started exploding and then in the middle of April... Boom. We got in a little spat and she lead into that she didn't want to be with me. She felt like one of our kids. Felt unappreciated. Neglected. She didn't initially think I even loved her. We never had any kid free time. Our sex was great but always planned. We got to talking and she let me know that she thought I bought her expensive gifts to shut her up. We rarely fight... Maybe less than a handful of times in 5-1/2 years. I gradually started working at night and being around less even though we were on the same house. I got depressed. I know what I did wrong and I have consistently showed positive change with no lapses the past three months.
I started putting the pieces together and found out that she had an emotional affair. This lead to a fight and she ended up walking out on our 4 children and me in the middle of the night. She was gone for a month and I found out that she had done some fooling around. It hurt but I can forgive her. I thought I couldn't but I can. I know I played a role in this.
She's consistently said she cannot do it any more. She doesn't want to be with me, she has mentioned once that we don't have to get a divorce so we don't have to split anything up. She only wants the kids on a equal basis. But she's said she would rather give me custody of the children so they are in a stable home. I confronted her about her affair and she didn't want to end it. However, a month ago I told her how bad it hurt me and I told her to go to him. She didn't and the next day she started talking less and less to where now she doesn't talk at all.
She still sleeps in our bed. Minus the first week, the month she was gone, and two days after I confronted her about the affair she has slept in our bed.
I have completely turned around how I function. We goof off now. We almost shower together every day. She loves me washing her and sitting on me when we are in the shower. However, we do not kiss or have sex. She has no problems if I get off or she touches herself in front of each other, but we have not been intimate since the news dropped. This past weekend we had a get away where it was just use and it was wonderful, I kiss her every night good night on the cheek and the one night she puckered up... We both quickly realized it and it turned to just the cheek. We even stepped outside of our boundaries and took some intimate pictures where she had a blast.
And this week we've been laying in bed where she puts her legs across mine to help with my leg spasms and it kind of helps with my pain. Each day she is closer. So I give her leg massages and I know she gets incredibly turned on, but I don't try pushing sex.
She has a hobby she's trying to turn into a career since we don't require her to work because I cover all the bills. She been including me more and more with it. I've been going with her and helping her. She runs EVERYTHING about it by me. And we've talked about building a support group together.
We've been spending quality time together; however, we are always together for the most part. As I work from home and she's a stay at home mom. I kind of feel loved but I feel like she's holding back. I just don't know what to do. I want my family to stay together, but I also don't want to be a doormat. I guess what hurts the most is she says she doesn't want to try, but we keep getting closer, she keeps opening up about things just very very little about us. She admitted she has walls up and doesn't want them to come down.
When I met her she was down on her luck. She's been hurt by everyone including family that means something to her and she says it was the worst feeling emotionally abandoned by me.
I know my post is all over the place but... I guess I don't know what I need or what to do.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
She is still in the A. Whether it is just EA again or full PA, it is still going. When you told her to get out and go to him, she freaked. Plan A is solid yet, so she is not ready to give up Plan B.
All that she is doing is to get you stick around until she sees if OM is serious or not. A monkey doesn't jump from the branch they are on until they've identified a solid branch to jump to.
A lot of what your W has said was similar to my W's plan. "You keep the house and D14 (now 15) will live with you. I will keep a key. I'll host dinners at my new apartment and come over to the house and cook too." Fantasy. Your W is likely a WW, not just a WAW. That means she is selfish, wants her cake and eat it to. Wants to rendezvous occasionally with OM but also have her family intact, and have her H attached and ready to meet her non-sexual needs.
Keep an eye out for the signs the A is still going. Secretive phone usage. Sometimes not sure where she is at. Unusally long time in the bathroom. Thing that should take 45 minutes, like running to the store, take 2 1/2 hours. Use logic and reason when it comes to this assessment. Do not be in denial about it.
I agree with your overall approach though. Keep things light and fun. Do not apply pressure and do not pursue. Do not start R talks. but keep your eyes and ears open.
Cadet will be along in a while to tell you to keep posting. KEEP POSTING!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
A lot of that makes sense. A few weeks ago, she was frequently in the bathroom talking, she was attached to the hip with her phone. Now she is barely on it. Leaves it laying around a lot, similar to how she was prior to the walls collapsing. We have started doing an electronics off during dinner and then after the kids go to sleep. That was a major complaint of hers that I would escape on my tablet or computer when we would watch TV. But I didn't understand how to handle my pain. I also stopped working nights and sleeping all day. I've been helping with chores and staying within my limitations of what my leg will allow me to do.
I've been reading the material linked and a lot of it makes sense. Some of its a little harder to execute than understand though.
I'm other news, my wife went to a mom group meeting last night. She hasn't texted me to let me know she got some place since she dropped the bomb. She was pretty chatty in text to me. Kept me updated as to her leaving and most of the drive back to my parents house (we do a family night every Friday). This is all stuff she used to do before everything.
When she got back she was super chatty, super sorry for being away for so long and being back a little late. She actually showed empathy because my pain pills were in her purse. I know she was at the meet up and not with the OM. But it was strange, haven't seen her act like that in a while. Almost liked she missed me. We ended up having a nice night afterwards watching a movie and cuddling.
Today, we were goofing off and being silly, just poking and grabbing butts. We started talking about a my leg and the upcoming surgeries. It was a little emotional, because there is a possibility I could lose my leg due to infection. When that came up I kinda slipped and said "well who's going to want someone so damaged as me especially if I lose my leg" I wasn't thinking about our relationship and without a beat she goes "do you think I'm that shallow".
It really seems as though things are going better and I would love to keep my family in tact. I live in chronic pain. I disconnected. I neglected her. I was a bit of a dick. I didn't sit down for family dinners. I didn't want to do much. I had a hard time dealing with me. I never thought things were that bad, but I have made a complete 180 and started letting her come to doctor visits, talking to her, and just opening up. I've even been affectionate. We haven't had sex since she dropped the bomb, but I have started to develop good habits of showing daily affection. I listen attentively when she talks and I mark things down in my calendar to help remember as sometimes things are hazey due to my prescription pain pills. And I really think posting some of this helps from me trying to talk about the relationship with her.
One of the things I am unsure of is the detachment. This was one of the main issues my W had with me because I emotionally shut down and it caused me to withdrawal from our R. I didn't purposely do it, but being a chronic pain sufferer, that's how I innately over time got.
I have detached from the R talk. But do still show that I am here. This was part of my 180, was to emotionally open up. Explain what I have been going through with my pain. Let the W come to doctor appointments. Do family dinners. Help out at least within limitations, and be awake during the day.
I like to think that what I am doing is working, because her actions have slowly changed, but then again I am also here and have a marriage in distress so I may not be judging good.
Please read, and reread, and rereread the detachment thread.
Let me ask you this: When you were emotionally shutdown, did you validate your wife's feelings? Did you intently listen to what she had to say without any distractions (no TV, phone, tablet, laptop).
When you are lovingly detached you will. If you are watching a football game and she comes and wants to discuss something, you will pause the game, turn it off, something, but you will give her your undivided attention. Then when she starts talking you will validate her feelings (read the validation thread).
Detachment is not ignoring her. It is not being unkind. It is not going dark. The goal with detachment is that no matter what she says or does, you do not react emotionally to it.
"I want a D." Undetached reaction to this is: crying, begging, pleading, telling her she is harming the kids, that your friends will be devastated etc. Detached reaction - "I am sorry to hear that. I do not want a divorce, but since it takes two to make a marriage and only one to make a divorce, I cannot stop you."
Google self-differentiation in marriage. Detachment is a very healthy place to be no matter what the state of your marriage is in. However, it is highlighted that you are not properly detached when there are marital problems because you will react as I mentioned above.
But do not confuse detachment with emotionally shutting down or unplugging. Common misconception. " Do family dinners. Help out at least within limitations, and be awake during the day." Detachment doesn't exclude any of those things.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
the biggest thing standing out to me is that you are in the "friend zone". You need to read about NGS (Nice Guy Syndrome).
I don't have friends that are girls, never have. And if I did, I wouldn't be showering with them b/c that would lead to sex and thus we would not be friends.
Your wife wants your affection, but not all of it. Are you willing to have a partial relationship with her?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
