Just an update. W picking up children today from their holiday. W been away from the house the whole week. This has been strangely pleasant and has helped me start to detach. Now she is returning with the kids I am feeling slightly anxious. Can I do this? Can I stay cccc? Can I be nice to her but not engage? I’m just going to stay busy as I can. It is my D birthday tomorrow too so another hurdle as we play happy families.
uk the juggle you elude to is very tricky. I agree that in-house separations complicate detaching. No question. I've told others here that were physically separated that they have it a lot easier than they think. (Those in both circumstances always think the other is easier.)
Be upbeat. Pleased. Positive. Present. Don't start conversation, but don't ignore her. Don't follow her around the house, but don't run from her if she comes looking for you. Be completely plugged into the kids. Remember, detachment is not mean or unkind. Reread the detachment thread so you are ready for her return.
Same with D's birthday. Don't be cold to your W, but don't be overly engaging.
This is all an art not science. It is difficult to juggle. As you get better at it you'll know.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Steve. Ok so W returns. Kids very happy to see me. I’m happy to see them of course. W doesn’t say too much. I do not initiate conversation but am pleasant and just reply ‘hi’. W checks mail. I see MC copy so I now know she is going to file for the legal sep. I feel anxious but carry on regardless. Have dinner together. Speak about D birthday. All fine. W goes off to the home office to ‘work late’. I put kids to bed but cannot find their toothbrushes amongst the travel bags. Look in W bag and there in her wash kit are the kids toothbrushes - next to the lingerie and body lotion. Ok I think, don’t react. Now she has definitely but those toothbrushes there for me to find deliberately and wanted me to send the lingerie. She wants me to react in some way. I didn’t. Lo and behold W comes into house to see kids. To see if I’ve seen the evidence and if I’m going to do what she wants and expects - confront, get angry etc etc. I do 180 and do nothing but continue to put up birthday balloons for my D. Now if she has been off sleeping with some guy I don’t actually care anymore. But how do I draw my boundaries without looking like this has bothered me? I basically want to tell her if she wants to sleep around then fine, but I don’t want this kind of person around the kids so best you just leave. She is trying to push my buttons but I won’t rise. But I cannot let her be a cake eater. Please some advice.
Ok, what are your boundaries and what will you do if someone breaks them? You need to clearly define them and be prepared to enforce them.. W sleeping with another man does not mean you can stop her from seeing the kids, you can never enforce that. Now "I will not continue to live in a house where W sleeps with other men" is still a tough one because you still cant verify what shes doing, but it's closer to.
I get the frustration, these were always hard for me to do also as I'm not very confrontational. I do remember what didn't work and making the boundaries about controlling her won't work. It's all about you. There are old posts, Wonkas threads maybe?, that explain it better than I ever could but it boils down to what treatment you will accept and what you intent to do if someone crosses your boundaries.
For instance, one of my boundaries back then was to not allow someone to talk down to me. If W did I removed myself from the situation. I lived with in house separation for 9 months, it was hell. Dont look too hard into overanalyzing her actions and for the live of god stop snooping, its soul crushing. Everything you think shes doing to get a response out of you may not be the case at all. More often than not shes completely consumed with her new life and wants to do the base mininum to get away from you and to the happiness she thinks awaits her ahead without you.
Eventually my boundary was I will not live in the same home as someone who is off acting like a teenager and fooling around with other men. I moved out because she wouldn't. I had to enforce it the only way I could and live with the results.
Our boundaries can be hard to clarify but to be effective we have to enforce them and live with whatever consequences arise from them.
Eventually your boundary may be you will not be married to someone who sleeps with other men, if she only intends to legally separate and play the party girl you have to decide what you will do as a result.
Last edited by Fogg; 08/08/1811:59 PM.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Fogg, thanks so much for the reply and very wise advice. Now this lingerie thing is really bothering me. I was asking myself what about it was annoying me so much. It’s the disrespect. The flagrant disrespect she is throwing my way. Almost laughing in my face. I cannot and will not rise to it and get angry. That’s what she wants me to do. However, as we are no longer sleeping together and we are also still in the middle of home renovations and are down a bedroom, we’ve been taking turns in the bed and on a mattress in the living room. I’ve decided if she is sleeping with someone else then I do not want to be sharing the bed with her. I’ll have the bed, she’s on the mattress from here on in. That is my boundary here. I really want to throw her out but I know I can’t and she won’t go. How I broach this without showing her this ‘affair’ is bothering me or without starting a big angry fight I don’t know. Don’t think I can avoid either. But I’m growing my balls back and I will not stand for this any more.
I can understand why it would bother you, I've ran into similiar circumstances when I was living with my ex. Yours may not be trying to get any reaction out of you though, shes just in la-la fantasy land right now. Shes getting her legal separation and in her mind shes a free single woman, anything you do or say will like your trying to get into her business and control her.
I was a mess after BD, did all the wrong things. I ended up feeling 100% responsible and due to her anger I slept on the couch. I took around 3 months before my mind shifted and I realized she was the one who wanted to leave the M and I wasn't going to sleep on the couch anymore. When I told I was done sleeping on the couch and I planned to go back to my bed, she became hysterical. She went up and barricaded herself in the room with the bed against the door. I tried to talk to her but she was in the wrong mindset, I did not try to force myself into the room even though I could have. This is where you could encounter issues if she overreacts and its very important you have control of yourself, do not try to force anything. You state your position and if she wont physically you have to find another way to enforce it through calm strength, never force. I've heard advice on this forums before to move her things out of the marriage bedroom and basically tell her "I will not share the bed or bedroom with you anymore. You want out of this marriage, you can be the one to leave". Something along those lines anyway, you might have to look back at the boundaries.
As I said, its very important for you to control your side of things. There can be no angry argument if you are calm and don't get caught up in reactionary behavior. You have the power to avoid it by not engaging in that way.
The day after my ex locked herself in the bedroom we had a discussion and we came to an agreement where we split the room on different days, as you are doing now. Sure, I could have fought for the entire room and may even have gotten it, but at the time I wasn't as strong as I am now so it was a huge gain for me in terms of getting my balls back. She even apologized for acting so irrational and emotional the night before.
Do not do any of this to get a reaction out of her, to teach her a lesson,to control her, to punish her. Again, boundaries are about you
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Ok, so today and this evening were interesting to say the least. W been threatening to tell the Kids for few weeks even months. I have been very firm that I must be present and we must agree what is being said. This morning the convo comes up again, instigated by W I might add, about the house being sold etc and along the way comes up the kids thing again. As always I tell her she needs to deliver the speech. I go out this afternoon for a few hours and when I return W tells me she has told the kids! I am furious - how dare she do that without me, not being there for the kids and not knowing what she has said. Tells me they were fine and they are excited to get two bedrooms, two birthdays, two lots of toys! I am so very angry, who died she think she is! She looks sheepish and offers a pathetic apology which I decline. Later when she leaves I speak to my children and discover that W only told them we would have two houses. My son was crying, trying to hit W and stormed to his room. Quite the different story W told me.
So during this exchange things got very emotional again and I think I totally blew DB again. I’m not sure I can do this anymore. I cannot trust her one iota. She lying about filing for legal sep. Has no lawyer. Had done no research. Tells me I need to divorce her! Angry I know so much about the process. Angry I looked into options to buy her share of flat. Angry I haven’t procrastinated on these things like I normally would. That we are selling the house and she is getting a lawyer to push it through. So on and so on. I did not validate. I was not as if. I showed her by my reactions that I haven’t even begun to detach even though I thought I had. It was left that I need to tell her a day this week when we can sit down and discuss all of this and how to split.
I am I no doubt now about two things; she is definitely siluffering from a mental breakdown, most probably MLC with depression and secondly that I have totally blown DB and will surely end up with a broken family. She is too hellbent.
Firstly, calm down... Your sitting in a very good spot if she hasnt hired a lawyer. It means shes not as serious or determined if she had. Mine has a lawyer. If you really care deeply about your kids, treasure this time with them. You can see them any time you want. Read them stories etc. If you do split, that will be gone at least 50% of the time.
Its been said that limbo is the gift of time. You have a chance to turn it around. If she divorces, it becomes harder to do. IMO. Again, dont do her work for her. Passive resistance.
Not to upset you, but asking her if she is having an affair is pointless. I confronted my wife at OM1's door and she still denied it. Untill I was moving to knock on the door did she finially admit it. Read sandi's posts. To me it seems to coincidential.
Trust me, it adds a whole new level of anguish finding her leaving the house with toys and lube to meet OM. It does make you question if DB is really whats needed.
Take care man. One day at a time, and remember, it wont always be like this.
