No more chances

[Phoenix9]

What a strange year this has been.

Truer words have never been said better.

[SteveLW]

I talked to the lawyer again that was so reassuring over the weekend. He suggested that I ask her what she wants to talk about and then call him back. She just wanted to schedule time to "have a chat" about the future. I told her to put it on paper and I'd get it this weekend. The lawyer suggested getting back into the house ASAP. I told her I was wanting more time with my son and that I might move back sooner rather than later. She didn't even object. I responded to almost everything with "I'll think about it". She mostly just kept saying that she didn't want to restrict access to my son in any way, that she always wanted a 50/50 custody split. I said put it on paper. The lawyer said he would represent me in a collaborative divorce which is the only thing she has ever mentioned and which he said is his specialty and allows for maximum flexibility especially for kids. She kept using weasel phrases like "If we get divorced". I didn't even respond to those. There was almost nothing to even disbelieve.

Is she still in the A? If so this behavior may be that the OM is starting to waffle. More than likely he wasn't looking for a long-term R. Most women that get into As are. So she is trying to keep you around as plan B. That is what the "if we get divorced" thing is all about.

Some guys that cheat with married W bolt the minute the woman leave her husband. If the OM knows you two separated he may have got cold feet and pulled back.

But yes, get back home ASAP. Take back your MBR until she agrees that to end the A, and work on the MR.

[RWAlan]

She texted last night.
"I'm sorry that I couldn't keep doing it. I just couldn't. I wanted to make it work, but I failed. I wanted to love you out of your depression and sadness but I couldn't. I failed you and our son and myself and I'm sorry. But life was telling me something: that I wasn't able to keep trying. That if I tried to keep trying, I would hurt us all even more. "

This is the same regret she expressed a few weeks ago when I confronted her about the affair. It is the only thing she seems to feel bad about. At least it is consistent.

I'm still standing strong and holding my ground in regards to our son and our home. I made it clear that her recent statements were unacceptable and she seemed startled and was quick to retract any implication of a change of plans. It is the first time since I started detaching that I pushed back and it seems to have solidified my boundaries. The lawyer's advice and support was essential. I feel like I have some control of my situation. Thanks for your continued help.

[RWAlan]

Good day yesterday and looking forward to today.
WW texting a lot lately just asking how I'm doing. I say Good thanks for asking.
When she texts that she is really trying and cares a lot about me I don't respond.
My son and I have been getting along great.
Thanks for the continued support.

Books are still coming in that I ordered weeks ago. Latest:
Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy
The Solo Partner: Repairing Your Relationship on your own

[SteveLW]

RW, well done! Your detachment is starting to have an effect. Even if only for her to feel the loss of control and start temp-checking to regain some of it. My philosophy is that any curiosity on the WAWs part is a good thing, even if her intentions are not pure. I've read in a lot of places that apathy is the most dangerous feeling (or lack thereof!) in a spouse. Hate is even better than apathy. By time so many WAWs initiate BD the've already slipped into a place of apathy. GAL, detaching, 180ing can all make them start caring again, over time, with consistency. I am guessing that immediately after 6/4 your W wasn't constantly texting you to check on you, as she was apathetic.

Keep up the good work.

[RWAlan]

I had some kind of epiphany in trauma therapy that was so profound I'm still trying to put it into words.
I've been writing for the last 4 months about everything but so far have failed to capture this one. I thought I'd try to post it here. This kind of trauma therapy is a combination of Rapid Resolution and EMDR.
I start with a specific memory and bring the stress level down slowly by free association in a kind of meditative trance.
Anyway, scanning our entire marriage a single event came to mind.
We had just had sex and I was sitting on the side of the bed facing away from her. She was behind me laying down. I was feeling dejected and shamed. I don't remember exactly why. I think I must have failed in some way. That is how I remember feeling. I was trying to explain my feelings to her without hurting her. I guess I thought the whole truth was too much for her to deal with. She responded by saying she felt like a failure and shameful. She said that she felt unattractive and unable to arouse me. I was surprised and tried to comfort her. This next part is the key and I'm not sure I've remembered this consciously for years. She said that she didn't really feel that way, that she was just trying to show me what it felt like to hear what I had said. I was more confused in this moment that perhaps at any other time before or since. The sudden empathy flowing both ways was astounding. We cuddled for awhile and the rest of the day was wonderful. Until now I have only remembered the first part up until trying to comfort her.
This seems to blow open our entire marriage for re-examination. At the end of the therapy session I tried to summarize the event as simply as possible. After a failure of any kind, try to limit the selfishness and empathize with the effect of my words and behaviour. Then comfort my wife and reassure her.
This is a very poor and incomplete picture of the session and the memory. After that event I usually handled similar situations by focusing on her pleasure and almost always succeeded in bringing her to climax and usually she then did the same for me. I don't mean to imply that this was the norm. Even though over the years the frequency declined, I feel that we usually had a much more mutually satisfying experience. What I'm struggling with is trying to figure out how much she may have felt rejected and unattractive despite the fact the we both "finished".
It is the empathy or lack of it that concerns me now. Not just because it may be too late to do anything about it.
I'm suppose to be learning everything I can about myself. I was always very attracted to her and tried to show it in many ways other than just sexually. Up until a month ago I was still regularly telling her how beautiful she is and complimenting her on her appearance and self-improvement efforts. I still do this, but not as frequently. She has dropped 25 pounds but this may be motivated by the attention of the other man. I can't piece together the sequence of events of the last 8 months. I've never been very good at placing my memories into any kind of timeline.
What does this all mean? Not necessarily for any kind of plan other than improving myself.
She has said that sexual healing could have resolved many of the other issues that we have had.
The other memory that has been floating around in my consciousness for awhile may be relevant.
I remember the amazing look on her face in the early days which I called her "sex eyes". I have not seen that specific look in years. The only way I can describe it is a look of desire and anticipation.
This post may be the most confusing thing I've written. I'm tempted to edit the hell out of it, but I need some feedback first I think. I need more than just "Get a Life" and "Read about Detachment" or "Stop complimenting her". What can I learn from this? Do you have similar memories or concerns?

[neffer]

Alan, it’s part of your inner voyage. Eventually we all should do it. It’s about knowing ourselves, to step aside and look our journey. Facing our past, and our fears. But always looking at the present and trying to improve for the future. You know that, one step after the other. Facing forward and moving your feet.

Just continue reading. You are answering your own questions. Keep walking man. You are getting stronger.

[RWAlan]

I just noticed that I only see signatures when I'm not logged in.
We seem to have a lot in common. If you don't mind, I'd like to read your threads. I don't think I can comment yet.

[neffer]

You can read all member posts. Just click on the names and then show forum posts. You must be logged in to do that.

[RWAlan]

Lately I've been getting a compulsion to simply ask her if she is sure this is what she wants. The man she has been in love with for 26 years and married to for 15 years will be completely removed from her life.

I haven't asked this and won't but it has been on my mind for a couple of days.