W only seems to message me now about our house renovation. Very matter of fact. She is on a mission. I tend to sit on the messages for a good while now and simply reply with yes, no, sure etc. I suppose this is detaching? Not read DR yet. I think I can do this. My dilemma I guess if that one of W many complaints and reasons has been that I didn’t respond to messages quick enough and when I did it was one word answers! Is this counter productive?
So the kids have been away for a few days with the IL. I've not seen the W during that time and barley heard from her. She sent me a very long message basically outling her plans for the coming days when the kids return. I just responded with a simple, sure, no problem.
No I have a few upcoming issues which have added more layers of complexity to my situation.
• My grandmother passed away. I have an upcoming funeral. I have not told the W when this is and she has not asked. I am assuming she will not be attending. Should I ask her if she is coming or would this be considered pursuit?
• W has a hospital procedure coming up which means she cannot drive for a week. She has told me she does not want me to be there. However she has asked for me to mind the children. I had some plans in the pipeline which now clash. Do I cancel so I can be there for the kids and W while she is recovering and cannot drive or is this pursuit and going against LRT?
I wouldn't bring it up with your wife. She can attend or not, but that really isn't up to you and asking won't change anything.
My thought with the kids is that they need to be priority for you (not her) and I would rearrange my schedule for them (not her). I would spend time with them, but not her. Is that possible?
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Thanks for the sympathy and advice Davide. Makes sense. It seems things are going very much according to plan for W right now. She is pushing forward with her plans for her new life and all the pieces are falling into place. For example, she has been actively telling everyone on her side that we are separating and seems quite proud of this. I have been much more cautious in what I’m saying and to who. The funeral situation is going to force my hand - everyone will be asking where she is. Also with the kids, W told me she is moving to having kids one weekend, me the next to ‘lessen the shock when we tell them and they are kind of used to it’. I’m dead against this sneaky approach but I feel powerless to stop it.
I cannot stop thinking about the W telling me last week that she was ‘filing papers for legal separation’. Having read up on this I was at first intrigued because this is a step back from the D which she has been ranting about. Then I was concerned because it is almost the same as D but you remain married. I have no idea of her intentions here as this approach seems ludicrous. I feel I need to just ask her but of course I am trying not to mention the R, M or D.
Has anyone any experience with a situation like this?
She has no idea what she wants UK, imagine your confusion , guilt and multiply it by a million times and she is feeling more than that. There is no clarity in her thoughts, D, S , R dont believe anything. In my sitch WH has been all over the map too, at one time he wanted to D and live together for the rest of our lives. And now he has moved out. You will have better luck finding the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow before you find logic and reason in what they say. Dont believe anything she says until it is followed by an action. - arshi
Don't lie to your kids, but don't rubs their noses in it.
As for changing an arrangement that sets a pattern for future custody issues, consult a lawyer. I don't think you want to agree to only having the kids sometimes, especially while still married.
If she "is filing", that means she hasn't yet. It's not something you can control, so try your best to focus your efforts elsewhere.
As for the one word answers and their productivity, I really don't know. A DB coach might have better advice. If she wants more than a quick response, why is she texting in the first place?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Great points Arsh and ovrrnbw. I will heed these pieces of advice moving forward. We seem to be getting to a point where communication is almost non existent. But I feel like I NEED to speak to her if only to halt the seeming inevitable destination of going through lawyers, I really do not want that. I have tried to speak to her about all manner of things, not even R, M or C stuff and she just starts a fight each time, accuses me of being angry or moody, criticising, talking down to her, calling her a victim and then states the conversation is over and walks off. I am trying so hard to ensure I am calm, collected and reasonable. I cannot allow this nasty atmosphere to continue and I will not go down the lawyer route especially if we have not even tried councilling or mediation first.
She has always said I was criticising or talking at her, thought I was her father etc. I could never understand this, as much as I tried, because I know it not to be true or meant in the way she perceived it. I always find her ultra sensitive and always taking a massive leap from A to Z with no plausible explanation in my eyes.
It sounds like your efforts to spur conversation are unproductive.
MWD says to do what works. If you don't know what works, then stop doing what doesn't work. In this case, your initiating conversation is counter productive.
From what I can see, when you two talk, she takes it as you are trying to fix her or guide her. Try rereading the validation thread and work on listening more.
Maybe your W is just picking a fight though. If she is clearly picking a fight, you don't have to engage.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
