Mr. Blue Sky

[pinn]

Thanks Nef! My dad is doing real well... actually he will be coming home on Monday. And there was a time where he was feeding the monster next to him ice and asking why I kept turning into towels. I have read some stories on here relating to alcoholics. I used to really have no sympathy for my dad. I used to think that calling it a disease was just an excuse... just stop drinking and being selfish. But not anymore. Total change of view point. I don't know how anyone can quit after what I witnessed for the past three months,

Anyway, obviously that was taking up all my thought recently. But now it's time to get back to me and make 2019 great. This has put selling both his house and my house at the top of the priority list. I just can't get into the dating game. I deleted all the apps from my phone. I chatted with a few women but figured if I am not going to do anything then it is pointless to go on these things. I was spending too much time on my phone anyway. BUT it is time to figure out what to try and do there. I got a life to live and I got a lot to offer! I mean come on well educated, great, decently paying job, no debt, pretty damn good shape....let's go! Only negative is the lack of hair :-)... (I joke, I joke... trust me... I am fully aware of my flaws!) I just have to make the effort and not be so picky I guess.

Anyway, that's that. Have a few trips coming up to the west coast to end the year, one to run a marathon. So I'll go get it!

[neffer]

Glad to read Pinn. My mothers was a doctor (she´s retired now) and she was a smoker since her teenage days. She had a pancreatitis and spent a week into the intensive care unit, that´s how she quitted. Well, she survived. Alcohol is much worst.

Keep GAL. You need to open some more P. How about some IC?

There are some cheap wigs for sale on the web. Take a look at them. There are some Kardashian´s models that are really good, you have to buy the whole combo: long black hair wig and texan pink boots...rock´n roll man!

[pinn]

Haha! Lucky for me I guess I have a decently shaped head :-). It doesn't look so bad on me. Besides...I say embrace it! Be confident! Haha!

Keep GAL. You need to open some more P. How about some IC?

Interesting comment. Are you saying I am not open enough on here or in life? There probably is some truth to that. I am certainly not as good at expressing myself as some on here, really never have been... but I am working on it! I also do not have time for long postings all that often. I have definitely come a long way since BD in all aspects of life. I feel like I understand things much clearer now and I know exactly what I am looking for in a partner. But I could always be more open and honest about how I am feeling.

The IC part... meh... I don't know. I thought about it right after BD but not so much the past few years. Maybe I should look into it again.

Thanks for stopping by!

[JujuB]

I never liked IC either. I felt like it was no different from talking to a good friend.

I did not like the alanon meetings either. Too many rules and it reminded me of church (which i never went to) in that every one just reads passages over and over. It was not for me.

Regarding alcholism and drug addiction. I get that its a disease. Its a really sad disease. Its a disease thats powerful enough to break mother-child bonds. But its different then cancer. Theres a way out. A chance to fight addiction. Cancer does not give someone that.

The issue seems to be that the person denies there is a problem. And the people that surround that person sometines enable that thought process. My ex was a secret addict. If i had known, i would have harassed him and sought interventions. I think he knew that. And when it became inevitable that i was about to find out (financial questioning) he twisted things to sabatoge a marriage and blamed everything on me. It was gaslighting and distraction.
He moved back in with his mom who continued denying and enabling (despite me giving her proof)

The other issue is that they need to want it badly enough. They need to value someone or sonething else more then the addiction. Theres a selfishness there. To me, my son is just so important to me. An addiction would take away so much from him that i would be willing to seek any intervention and medical help to stop.

I hope your dad is ok. I would imagine addiction is a very lonely and enpty life. I am glad you are able to be empathetic to him but still live your own life.

[neffer]

About IC, I thought the same as you both, until I really needed one...

Not saying here. We share our love here. It´s about us, our inside and the real world...piece of cake.

[focus22]

I have definitely come a long way since BD in all aspects of life. I feel like I understand things much clearer now and I know exactly what I am looking for in a partner.

I think as long as it all makes sense to you, then that's totally fine.

On the other hand, IC does sometimes give you other perspectives to take into consideration and think about. And those can end up being game changers.


On this:

But I could always be more open and honest about how I am feeling.

I was actually just reading about intimacy and co-dependency today. Not saying you are co-dependent, or have been in the past...I don't know. But I read a few a interesting things about intimacy and how to become more intimate with another person. A lot of it was about being open and honest with the other person about your own feelings (whatever they may be).

I guess I had some trouble with this in my M. I don't think I expressed myself enough or in a positive way. Not meaning that what I might have to say was positive or negative, more about *the manner* in which I expressed myself as well as the depth of it.

Again, you could trace that back to whether I felt safe or not, both in my M and growing up. I don't really want to get sidetracked as to the specific reasons why I don't feel safe growing up - I know what they are (and funnily enough it was an IC that pointed this out to me, in one sentence she said). But for the purposes of where we're at now, and how we're moving forward, the question for me is how I can become more honest and expressive?

I know that most of the people I meet find me very open and expressive and easy to connect with. I meet a lot of people because I work in two different fields, and I work a lot with different teams, different industry professionals and members of the public too.

I think it's maybe because I'm very clear about being interested in them (I really am), the passions I have in my life and how I articulate them. People describe me as charming. So maybe it's about joining up what's on the surface to what's deeper inside me and being more genuinely clear and expressive about that? For me, anyway...that might not work for you?

[pinn]

Thanks for the replies Nef, juju and focus. Much appreciated.

Nef.. how did you know you needed IC? I am not against them... I don't really have an opinion since I never experienced one. I'm open to the possibility.

I know that most of the people I meet find me very open and expressive and easy to connect with. I meet a lot of people because I work in two different fields, and I work a lot with different teams, different industry professionals and members of the public too.

I think it's maybe because I'm very clear about being interested in them (I really am), the passions I have in my life and how I articulate them. People describe me as charming. So maybe it's about joining up what's on the surface to what's deeper inside me and being more genuinely clear and expressive about that? For me, anyway...that might not work for you?

This is interesting focus... thank you. I would very much like to easily connect with people. I'm fine talking with people but it is all superficial. Perhaps I need to make more of an effort in showing that I am genuinely interested in them. I definitely do need to find some way to join whats on the surface to what is deeper inside. I want that deep connection with people. Of course people's upbringing has a major impact here. My family really didn't talk about important things... we just didn't. But I think this is something I can work on. Thanks!

[focus22]

Of course people's upbringing has a major impact here. My family really didn't talk about important things... we just didn't. But I think this is something I can work on. Thanks!

You're welcome.

And you're absolutely right, it does have a major impact.

I grew up with a family that all had very powerful personalities. Some were off the scale and quite explosive (I spent a lot of time with my grandparents, and I now think that my grandfather had either PTSD from fighting on the front line during WWII, or was suffering the effects of a major brain injury he had when I was a small child, or a mixture); or they were extremely self centred and self serving (my own dad had a very severe personality disorder, my first step dad drank and lot and had *a lot* of affairs); and some were at the other end of the scale and very withdrawn (my gran, who was like a true second mother to me).

It was never really very safe for me to be me. For one, I had no idea what sort of mood I'd be walking into whenever I walked into a room (pre-argument, mid explosion, post argument, simmering resentment...).

On the plus side, I became extremely good, very, very quickly at judging the mood and feel of a room as soon as I walked into it. I needed that to survive, if you like, and not make sure I ended up in over my head and overwhelmed.

So, guess what comes in handy now? I use the skill I leant as a temperature gauge, and people mostly feel very comfortable with me, like I get them somehow, and know what the deal is with them without having to say anything.

The other thing you could try, I guess, is to explore the opposite of what you learnt as a child. See where that takes you. So for me, I learnt it wasn't really safe for me to be me. So I'm exploring finding out who I am, and also trying that out - and also sharing that with people, either in the doing of it, or in the talking about it afterwards. I'm also quite open about how I feel/felt in the doing of it. There's still lots that I don't know, or am unsure of, but I'm trying lots of different things at the moment (nothing that's harmful, or illegal though...all good, healthy stuff). I mean, who ever imagined that I would have gone running (and loved it), claimed mountains or gone rock climbing (I have a total fear of heights).

I guess that's a a kind of GAL? But it's not just connecting with the person that you were pre M, it's going much further back and connecting with who you were as a child.

[neffer]

Nef.. how did you know you needed IC? I am not against them... I don't really have an opinion since I never experienced one. I'm open to the possibility.

I think I needed a lobotomy in fact so I chose the lightest exit . Just read the first post in my sitch and you’ll get the answer

[pinn]

wow focus.... thanks for that response. Certainly gets me thinking. So basically, what I learnt as a child is to not discuss important things (eye roll) or really to show much emotion. My mom had a terrible childhood so I am sure that just carried over into her adult life. The alcohol probably affected my dads ability to dig down and show who he really is/was. Although, since he quit and came home he has been a totally different person. So for me, opening up is definitely hard though I have been doing it more and more. XW really did not help in that regard though I did try to talk her about important things. The response was 'why do we have to talk about that now' or 'that is not something we should have to talk about'.... and that made me feel bad. I really want to be able to be totally open in my next relationship. My parents really did not have a good marriage... no affection, they did not do much together etc. One of my fears is that I end up in that type of situation... I would rather be along.

I think 2019 could be the year. That will be a full year post D and I feel like I am ready to get out there though I am not looking forward to dating. I just want that special person. I realize now how much was missing from my marriage (both of our faults). It'll all come together but I am gun shy.

My trip to San Diego got canceled this week due to the crappy weather on the east coast. I was so looking forward to that! It just means ill have to plan another trip :-). My marathon is still on for two weeks in Sacramento! First (and maybe last?) one.

Nef..I couldn't find your thread but I would def like to read.