Glad you did not give in to her attempted guilt trips
Now that I am no longer spinning
I sometimes have to chuckle when w criticizes my behavior and tells me how she would never do anything like that
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
It’s kind of muscle scraping. I was supposed to have a 30 minute follow up massage and ended up getting that. I didn’t realize it was almost an hour until I left.
I have an old injury with some nerve damage that’s been really bad lately and I’m not sure why it got worse. I had been doing really good with it.
Yes, I think she is being very controlling. She gets upset if I don’t say or do what she wants me to.
When they say they wouldnt do this or that it really shows how far out there they are. Xw is such a hypocrite sometimes but truly can’t see it.
she called me this weekend, I tried to give her to the kids but she said it didn’t matter and talked a few minutes then to the kids when I asked again but it didn’t seem to be why she called. Weird.
not weird. cake eating. or trying to ... she wants you to be right where she left you.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I am so sorry about your shoulder. It may be bothering you because of the weather or even some stressors in your life.
As for your w, I agree w/bttrfly...she expects you to be right where she left you. When she senses you are pulling away, she becomes angry to reel you back in and, of course, you begin to show her a bit of attention and then she's nice again. It's the distancer/pursuer dance. She's very good at it. You might want to read the thread on distancer/pursuer and see if that is going on. You have to be the one to change the dynamics of the dance.
Take care of that shoulder and give the kids big hugs from all of us.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you job and bttrfly. It’s strange when I’m in the situation. I know I’m in that trap but was second guessing myself a little (even though I know better) and navigating it is another story. I’m going to reread my homework after this.
I will give the kids an extra hug:) they’re doing good for the most part. They’re excited for school in a few weeks. It’s hard to believe that’s almost that time but it will be a relief for me when they’re back in school.
It really will be nice not dealing w/ex as much in a few weeks. Today was a treat. I picked the kids up before she was home and she flipped out for not saying bye to them tonight. I didn’t think anything of it, I think she was there or asked to bring them over before on the switch days. Regardless, there is no reason to act the way she does and I think she was at om’s This morning and didn’t see them, that’s my hunch. I think I dealt w/her okay. She was yelling at me on the phone and I calmly told her it wasn’t a big deal (we live 5 min apart) and asked why she thought I would try to upset her on purpose, then she started crying and I said bye. She came over to see them real quick asked me to the side and said the same thing and I calmly gave her the same replies and told her this was no reason to treat me like this. She wanted a fight but quit after I wouldn’t bite. She also told me things are probably changing soon and asked about her dog. I told her I wanted to share him. I’m sure that means she’s moving in w/om. Smh. Again already, lol.
Kids are talking about him a lot too, they’ve been staying there sometimes. Not fun to hear, I had to tell them not to talk about it anymore but had to listen enough to know what’s going on. A lot of things clicked, including a couple more ways ex has been using me.
It's been awhile so I thought I would update//journal tonight. I've been doing well and the kids are back in school which has been nice. They are excited about it this year! last year s didn't like going because his good friend was in another class but this year they're together!
I've been doing lots of processing lately and spending a lot of time in my head with a little lower and upper brain battling. Before the kids started school I ended up having to pick them up at exs bfs house (can't find apostrophe on new iPad keyboard). It bothered me for about 10 minutes and I got over it. It was a little upsetting seeing a house twice the size of mine, statue, new vehicles etc, but after I thought about it a few minutes it hit me that I don't judge other people that way so why was I judging myself that way. I know better than that. It also struck me that I had nothing to be jealous of w/regard to ex. She was with me when she was happy and fun except for when she was in pain the last couple years of our m. He knows a completely different person than I do. If I were jealous it would in a way confirm to ex that she made the right choice, when I'm not it changes that.
Exs bday was a few weeks ago. I took the kids shopping and let them pick out their own gifts and gave ex a card from me. I have the kids make their own cards for bdays, etc so we stuck with that too. I had the kids that day and she was supposed to get them that morning. She didn't come until that afternoon because she didn't feel good. She only had the kids a couple hours before bringing them home. Her bf dropped them off. I bothered me for about a minute and it feels good to be moving further down my path. I think this is also a little easier to accept because she's not cheating, were divorced and it's not an affair partner that I know of. She went w/him on a mini-vacation a week later so I had the kids some extra time. Funny but it felt good knowing ex was out of town.
A couple years ago I went to my first Reiki session and the lady I go to also practices Ho oponopono and had the four steps (please forgive me, I'm sorry, I love you, thank you) on some artwork. I was thinking about this towards both myself and ex since I first saw it. I struggled with that last one but I'm there now (at least enough to feel comfortable to say it). I'm thankful for my exs d except for the pain it caused our kids, it has taught me many lessons and I'm a better person for it.
It's a weird relationship I have w ex. When she was over the other day she told me about her cycle and problems she's having, the next time she'll be nasty, back to nice, who knows... Funny she is comfortable with me to discuss these things after all of this. I've thought about this some and I don't think ex has ever had a safe place other than with me. I guess it's a good thing if I can still give her that as an ex. I really do feel sorry for her.
I do still struggle w/self confidence from her affairs, a letter she gave me, and some things she said. I know I need to go back to the basics and not believe what she said but it's sometihing I had to put on the shelf at the time.
There is a lady that I talk to in a store every few weeks. I actually met her about 5 years ago and then again about a year ago. I enjoy our small talk which is not something I'm good at or usually care for until I get to know someone, I'm very quiet and introverted. I feel dumb writing this but I'm really bad with these things (besides what I mentioned above now) and I'm not sure if she's just being nice or if she's interested. I thought so but then wasn't sure after the next time we talked. She is working in a store so is expected to be nice which makes it hard. We talk enough to know each other's bdays, that I'm divorced, she also asks about s from time to time. She's also never mentioned a boyfriend to me. I'll find out eventually I guess.
Except to ask that lady if she would like to have a cup of coffee
Maybe you will become friends or who knows what
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Kyh - I am glad to read your update / journaling. I have followed you since I found myself here. I also do not recall posting to you very often, my apologies for that. We can all use feedback and I have gain wisdom from your postings. Thanks for sharing. I agree with Gordie you sound well.
A very good resolution to the lower vs upper brain battle you were having. You are right no need to compare lives. Jealousy will not serve you well, glad to see you let it go.
Originally Posted by Kyh
I do still struggle w/self confidence from her affairs, a letter she gave me, and some things she said. I know I need to go back to the basics and not believe what she said but it's sometihing I had to put on the shelf at the time.
Oh that is so true. Our self confidence gets such a smack down at BD, and then everything they say just compounds and crushes it further, and the affairs really stir it all around.
Kyh, just keep at it. You know her affairs are just symptoms, her attempting to feel better. The things she said, are just that, things she said, nothing more - do not make them out to be more than there are. Her statements are mostly justifications for her actions, again you know this. Now you need to believe this, get that realization right into your core, in to your convictions and character.
I totally understand having to put this on the shelf at the time. We have too much going on and cannot handle everything at once.
I found it very hard to get W’s beliefs out of my head and heart. For me I looked at things accurately and followed where it lead me.
To purge “her” poison from your core, be accurate and thoughtful when reflecting - on what she has said, who you were, and who you are now. I think you will find that most of her thoughts are bogus, you are just making them real in your head.
Originally Posted by Kyh
There is a lady that I talk to in a store every few weeks. I actually met her about 5 years ago and then again about a year ago. I enjoy our small talk which is not something I'm good at or usually care for until I get to know someone, I'm very quiet and introverted. I feel dumb writing this but I'm really bad with these things (besides what I mentioned above now) and I'm not sure if she's just being nice or if she's interested. I thought so but then wasn't sure after the next time we talked. She is working in a store so is expected to be nice which makes it hard. We talk enough to know each other's bdays, that I'm divorced, she also asks about s from time to time. She's also never mentioned a boyfriend to me. I'll find out eventually I guess.
It is ok to feel dumb, or maybe unsure. I like unsure better, I do not consider you dumb in any aspect so from my viewpoint unsure is more accurate.
I found that I felt very unsure of people’s feeling and motives until I got my confidence back and started to believe in myself again.
I get that you are unsure, shy, and fearful of rejection. You know what, we all are, I am, and this lady you talk to probably is also. The idea that she is just being nice because she works in a store and is expected too be, is your fear talking and feeding justification for not proceeding further.
You have lived through something terrible and painful, there are going to be some scars and freshly healed wounds. You also have survived this, you really have little to fear, and when you see just where you are and who you are, you will be confident.
If you decide not to proceed or ask her for a date that is absolutely fine. Just do not let fear make that decision for you.
For what it’s worth, and from a guy who hasn’t dated in 30 years. You both know each other’s birthdays, she knows you are divorced, and she asks about son every now and then. She is interested.
I also agree with Gordie - you should ask her if she would like to have a cup of coffee. If you are ready for that.
I have many people recommending I date. I still choose not too. For myself I do not want to break anyone’s heart due to me not being ready. That of course is a an academic discussion since I am standing and still married. However looking at the possibility of dating did help clarify reasons and beliefs for me standing. It also showed me I could stand down someday and be fine.
I do not know where you are with respect to that, I think you are further along than me.
Kyh, I think you are doing really well. Like always do what is best and right for you.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
