Hi all. I've been actively reading these threads over the past few weeks and have ordered my copy of DR.
A bit about my sit. W37, S8, D6. Married 8, together 12.
So much has happened / is happening so I will try and keep it as brief as I can.
Always had a quite tempestuous relationship with W although on the whole I feel we have been solid, trusting and very successful. W loves being busy - too busy. She also loves being 'the boss' and I have felt a bit of a power struggle over the years which in my mind is totally unnecessary, I always view us as a team. It is exhausting. She also travels a lot in her work which involves lots of partying and 'socialising'. I stay home and mind kids, run house and business. In recent months she began to go away for work an awful lot and also when she came home, out with friends. I could feel us drifting apart. I would complain I wanted her home more but I think this drove her further away. There were things I saw on SM which gave me alarm bells. The arguments started and we were not getting on at all well. I asked about an affair which was denied.
During her travels last year she was in very close vicinity of two terror attacks and she told me she was 'having a breakdown'.
Amongst all of this, we are undertaking a massive house renovation (still ongoing) meaning the house is upside down and stuff everywhere. Also W company was struggling and she had to fire all her staff and was worried about her own position and her career in general.
She was complaining of not feeling herself, being anxious and stressed out about the smallest things etc. I am very hands on with the kids, house etc and manage most things for the family. During this phase there was still tension between us which I was trying to diffuse and I continued to take the burden of most of the things going on in our lives.
Then during one heated argument I asked if she loved me and she said 'I'm not madly in love with you no'. Then it was 'I don't want this anymore'. This was a bit of a bomb shell of course.
I asked what she needed and she said 'I don't know I hope it's just time'. Then she said 'I think I need to see someone'. I put all of this down to the stress of everything and tried to push it to the back of my mind while still taking on the burden of everything to relieve her as much as I could. She took some time off work, went out with friends for lunch, gym etc and she looked and sounded much better. We were getting on well. W stars reading lots of self help books etc. I am a little disturbed.
I asked what could I do better and she said 'you don't listen and you are controlling'. Now I was shocked at that one as I support her in everything and I do not stop her doing anything although I am in control of the family finances as I am much better with money than her. I then made even more effort to listen and not 'control' as much as I could.
Work stress and building works continuing.
She also has a friend who came out of the blue a few years back and was a bit OTT in my eyes. I had the feeling from the off that she was jealous of W as she can not have children and is not very well off etc. W starts spending quite a bit of time with this friend.
Two weeks pass and W goes out shopping, with D & S to see this 'friend'. I go to collect her after a couple of hours and W is totally drunk! I was shocked. W and friend are consoling each other! We go off to other friends that eve and W gets more drunk and begins telling her other nice friend, 'I don't know who I am any more', 'He's hard to live with', etc etc. Then she is telling her stories of a friend of the weird 'friend' who divorced her husband and is now happier than ever etc!
I confronted the W next day and she says 'No, this was nothing about us, were fine'.
Two weeks later, the wife is out with another friend, comes back really late and is a little distant to me. Very early next day I awake and the wife is gone. I go downstairs and wife is there wide awake. I ask what is going on, by now convinced of OM, and she again repeats the 'I don't want this anymore' routine.
Then it really starts to get fun. W decides to not sleep with me anymore and has not since. She wanted 'two weeks' during which I did all the usual mistakes, asking for another chance, what can I do, don't break up family, trying to be affectionate etc. I even booked a weekend away for us so we could get away from all the madness at home, away from the kids and speak etc. She said she'd think about it but the next morning sent me a massive ranting message about how angry she was I did that, wasting money etc and that she will not go or even consider it.
So after this period, we go for a chat and she tells me that she does not love me, does not miss me when she is away and has no desire to fix this marriage. Not even for the kids. Won't see anyone, wont talk to MC etc. I ask what she wants and she says, cold as anything, 'I want the house'! Shellshocked, I agree to split 'amicably' and work to everything split fairly. No mention of the kids interestingly.
During the next few weeks and months I am in a whirl. Trying to establish what is going on. Next moves etc. Emotions are very high. I decide that she is not thinking straight and that I am going to continue working and fighting. Then we begin to get on OK, relaxed, laughter, time with kids etc, all the while working on the house which is a total mess. Another mistake by me, I begin taking about the M and R. This flips her out and we have huge row where she mentions the D word. This pattern continued over the next few weeks and months and during this time W seems to be getting more and more distant and entrenched. I was being super nice, helpful, buying stuff etc. Suddenly the W tells me that the whole time we were together was bad, nothing good, I'm a terrible husband, only had kids to patch up problems, rewriting history. All manner of nasty and very untrue things. Very emotionless and matter of fact.
Suddenly the D work again. Huge emotional rows. W says 'I'm bipolar' which I was unsure if this was a flippant remark or not. W has now begun to stonewall me (which is a trait she has shown throughout the M) and gaslight. I know she has been talking with this 'friend' a lot and getting advice because this 'friend' has been through a divorce but has no kids of course. She is also speaking to others who are D. W seems to think it is simple, loads of people do it, won't affect kids etc. This is what I she wants etc.
Now there are paranoia and trust issues appearing. She thinks I'm hiding money which I am not. I am snooping to see what she is doing and saying. I saw that this 'friend' is actively trying to set the W up with a guy at her work and the W seems open to the idea! W is hell bent on this, getting our home valued, shouting that she is selling it, etc etc.
I found this forum during all my research and it was then I decided to try and change my approach.
I have now tried to GAL, distance and be as nice as I can when interacting, stopped talking about R and M or D, even bits of LRT - it's getting harder because W is trying to pick a fight at every opportunity and being quite nasty at times - put downs, name calling, gaslighting etc. Also when we get on well, she then drops in something to remind me of what is happening, to unsettle me. Very hard to keep CCCC when this is what you are up against.
W family are dead set against this. They think I am good for her. Interestingly she has barely spoken to them about any of this stuff. Only that she has been unhappy for a while and that this is what she wants. Only her sister appears to support her and I know she doesn't like me. W has been with her a lot too. Basically surrounding herself with these people who are telling her what she wants to hear.
W family think she is depressed. I think so too, but is there also MLC in there or does she just simply not love me, period? There is a family history of depression and bipolar. W aunt did similar thing but not as dramatic or devastating.
Now, just this week, W messages me that she wants 'legal separation' and is filing papers. I believe her and know she has been with this 'friend' again, advising her. I guess this is a step back from D, but still very destructive.
Am I fighting a losing battle? Am I doing LRT too early? If she starts a legal process on me I think I will not have any more patience and will have to accept even if the thought of my family breaking up and the effects on my kids will be devastating.
I didn't do a good job of keeping this brief did I? ;-)
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
uk, welcome to the board. You are not alone, and you will find that out here quickly.
First, follow all of Cadet's reading and advice. It is crucial. I see you are already working on GAL. But you need to commit to detachment. GAL will help you a lot with that, but the key to potentially waking your wife up from the fog is for you to truly detach.
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Also when we get on well, she then drops in something to remind me of what is happening, to unsettle me
This is her rebelling against the MR. My W did this. When things went well, when we were operating as a team and functioning as a family, she'd remind me that she still wanted to leave. I am not sure this is to unsettle you as much as it is a effort to convince you, and herself, or even just to remind you both that she still want out.
Note, we have a saying around here that it always gets worse before it gets better. As you get better at detachment, GAL, 180s, and being the best uk82 that you can be, she will start to question her decision. This will upset her and she will lash out, rebel, etc. Most LBSs see that as a bad sign, but those are actually positive because it shows she is having an internal struggle against her proclamation.
So just read and study as much about DBing as you can. And keep posting here. And keep working on you and implementing the DBing techniques you learn about. There is always hope! We have folks here that have R with their WAS, or headed that way, even years after D! So never give up!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Steve85. That little nugget of information is very useful and I will remember that. I am going to swat up on DR when it arrives and never give up. My family needs me right now and I will accept this challenge.
I have two questions which (while I wait for my copy of DR) I would very much like some advice on because they are happening right now and I do not want to make matters even worse by reacting in the wrong way:
• When W talks of selling the house etc etc, do I just go along with it or do I put up resistance? • She is almost certainly taking steps to file some kind of papers - not D but Separation. To do this she requires our marriage cert. I have taken this away. I know she was looking for it yesterday. Was this a mistake and if she confronts me do I deny all knowledge?
I have two questions which (while I wait for my copy of DR) I would very much like some advice on because they are happening right now and I do not want to make matters even worse by reacting in the wrong way:
• When W talks of selling the house etc etc, do I just go along with it or do I put up resistance? • She is almost certainly taking steps to file some kind of papers - not D but Separation. To do this she requires our marriage cert. I have taken this away. I know she was looking for it yesterday. Was this a mistake and if she confronts me do I deny all knowledge?
It's moving so fast. So hard.
Hiding the MC is a form of control, you’ve got to let her take the oath she is going to take, it will only antagonises her if you hide it. Re the house, if she truly wants to put the children first then I think it would be best to keep the children in the family home and your W to move out.
Me:48 W:43, Kids:S19, S17, S10, S8 M:10 years BD:06-18-2018
Thanks jaylove. The house - this is my thought too but she is being incredibly selfish in all of this. The other problem is that the house is very big and expensive - neither could afford to buy the other out.
Good advice on the MC. I am just trying to hold onto something to slow this juggernaut down. The speed in which she is trying to move is bad and things are just going to get messier and messier.
Hi uk. Take your time reading all you have to read. Time is what you´ve got. Use it wisely. The answers for your questions are there. Read validation and detaching.
You can´t control your wife actions. Let her do what she wants to do. Focus on yourself and take care of your kids.
There is a long journey ahead, and it´s all yours. Patience and strenght.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
On both topics your role is not to actively resist, but not to help in any way. Hiding the MC was a mistake, and you should provide her with it at your earliest convenience. You can either come clean or just tell her that you knew she needed it and that you didn't want her prevented from doing what she felt she needed to do.
By not helping in any way I mean that you make her do all the work on both fronts. Don't lift a finger for either. If she is at work at calls and says she needs the MC copied and sent some where, you tell her you are busy and can't do it. You are too busy to help with selling the house. You do not have to announce that you are against both and therefore won't help because words are meaningless. SHOW her you are against it by not prioritizing any requests related to either one.
This is where GAL is important. GAL means you are busy from the moment you get up until the moment you go to bed. Always be busy.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
