Gordie 21 going with my gut

[Gordie]

Previous Thread:

Gordie #20: patiently living my life

Hat tip to Ownit for stopping by and hitting the nail on the head and naming my thread

I do feel like I am in some uncharted territory for me

The good news is I know where I am

I know my strengths and weaknesses and values and even some of my blind spots

The bad news is I know where w is too and that is still firmly in the undecided camp

So yes how to follow my gut and instincts on the right thing to do

And not follow or be motivated by fear

DB coach says to keep doing what I am doing as it is making things better and not worse


Butterfly s last few posts really opened my eyes to things I had not previously seen so am filled with gratitude for her sharing that and those stories which obviously also resonated with sjohn and


Roist so good to hear from you and would love to know more of your thoughts and hear how you are doing when you have the time

And yes January seems so long ago when I had signed my lease to move out and even told my children that I was doing so and yes even after she dropped the D and OM I could have still moved out but I knew then and I know even more now that I made the right decision for me

I will post about recent events soon

[Gordie]

Recent events

Thanks for all of the advice about birthday and anniversary and vacation

I listened to all of the advice and went with my gut

I bought small gifts and invited w to do low key things with the expectation she may say no

She accepted my invitations and we enjoyed our time together like you would with a friend

I am now at the stage where I can spend time with her and not walk on eggshells in fear of what she may say or do

That is a recent development and an improvement for me

We also had the first real family vacation in the two years since B D

Kids had been bugging me to plan something so I discussed with w and we agreed on a plan

During vacation she surprisingly wanted to spend a lot of one on one time without the kids

During these quiet times she also held my hand which she has not done in a very long time

Over the last month we have been relatively conflict free

One incident happened which resulted in her not speaking to me for a good 24 hours

Rather than pursue her and try to make up for who knows what I just let her be silent until she came to me to tell me what was bugging her

It was in my mind a very small thing but to her it was a very big thing

So I just listened and genuinely said I was sorry for my thoughtlessness and would earnestly try to do better next time and then she let go of it

Hope all of you are enjoying your summers

[DnJ]

Gordie - well done handling the silent treatment. Actually, well done on everything. What you are doing is working, especially for you.

[Gerda]

Gordie I have been thinking of you. My sitch escalated and my H is now saying he will be leaving. I was thinking about how things played out for you and wondering if that would ever happen to me. I am in the free fall now of not knowing and assuming the worst is yet to come.

I loved reading your update. I was so happy she held your hand. And you are so patient and kind and clear-headed. It really inspires me.

If you have the chance, stop by my thread to see my H's last letter. I was wondering if you agreed with my decision to not respond and then how I did say I was hurt and didn't want to talk. I was wondering how you translate your listening skills to letters -- and in this case, letter followed by a phone call when my H acted like the letter didn't happen.

[sjohns6]

Gordie, I am really happy to hear that you are at a point to where you can hang out with W without the eggshell feeling. That is actually something that I have been thinking about lately...that even now when I see W, it still feels like that. I know that it is normal in that W moved recently and that has caused a decrease in communication, but I really miss just being able to talk to her like a regular person. I am so happy to hear that you are reaching that point. Maybe that will be something possible for me in the future. I feel like, to a small degree, I am following along in your footsteps as you help pave the way for my understanding. I know that you are just living your life in the only way you can, but that in your postings and steadfastness, you are helping me too.

So you went on a family vacation where W wanted to spend time with you and held your hand? Dang! That sounds like quite the turnaround. In my own sitch I realize that things I used to see as positive signs don't seem to affect me anymore. I would notice every little thing and see it as improvement, or not. Now I realize that things are so all over the place that those things don't really matter enough to over analyze. But I also realize that letting of noticing those things might have also caused me to miss things that may or may not be improvements in my W. It probably doesn't matter if I notice them, things will play out like they play out and W either wants to be home and fix things between us or she doesn't, but I can't help but realize I've stopped looking for improvements. I realize that we all probably do that to some degree as we detach and GAL. I am sure you already know this since its your situation, but from an outside perspective I wanted to say that, that trip sounds like a big turnaround for your W. Of course she isn't done yet and theres a long way to go. But like you said, from where you were in January to where you are today is a HUGE difference. Keep on like you are with no expectations and just being the best you that you can be, but wow!

If its too personal or inconsequential then no need to share, but I am curious what happened between you and W that caused her not to speak to you for a day and that you apologized for.

[MarvinF]

@Gordie, @sjohns6: this is just my opinion here but I am going to be a downer/reality check here.

I would not spend ANY time reading tea leaves, interpreting behaviours for positive or negative, not try to "understand" what triggered anything. I believe when our spouses are in the throws of MLC disorder nothing makes sense, nor is motivated by normal emotional events. My latest example was my wife coming to dinner with me, hugs, even intimacy, holding my arm and leaning into me on walks back (hasn't happened in years), and then three weeks later with nothing going on (except being apart) announcing that we should go our separate ways. Can't say I was surprised, because the cycles will be there until fundamental and long term changes are made.

I think the basic being detached, not reacting, and at some level NOT caring about the good nor the bad is the only way to survive in the long term. As HB has said take what you get that is positive and don't read much into it. The roller coaster is still there.

[sjohns6]

Marvin, thats a good point. Thank you for the reminder. I get nothing from W so its easy for me to get swept up and anything offered. Right before W moved out I feel like I got better at not reading the tea leaves, but I think that now W has moved, getting worked up over a positive interaction will be harder not to do. Well, not just any positive interaction like a normal conversation, but something like what Gordie described probably would rope me back in. Again, thank you for that reminder.

[Gordie]

DNJ Gerda Sjohn and MarvinF

Thanks for the encouragement and advice

Sjohn the incident was over food when I made dinner and the main dish was something kids and I love but w does not like which was not an issue during the period in which w was no longer joining family meals but she feels after six months I am still punishing her by doing so

Marvin agree with not following all the ups and downs and God knows that was me for the first year or so which is well recorded in all my threads but feel I am in a different place now where I no longer fear going home or worry about doing things I want which may or may not upset w

The things I am writing about are slower and more deliberate actions not words that are changing not day to day but more month to month which is a very slow process requiring as job reminds patience and more patience than has ever been required of me

I still of course react and over react at times but directionally continue to improve what I can control which is what I am contributing to the current dynamic

[sjohns6]

Wow, about the food? They pick interesting things to get up in arms about, don't they. You would think that she would realize that if you were going to punish her in some way, it probably wouldn't be by cooking a meal she didn't care for. I don't particularly care for brussel sprouts, but my wife would still cook them from time to time. I never thought she was punishing me for serving them. As a matter of fact, I would still tr and eat them because I know they are good for you. As a side note, when W was moving out and separating out our stuff, there were brussel sprouts in the fridge. I took them out of the crisper and told her she could have ALL of them, I did't need my half

[Kyh]

Hi Gordie,

I don’t have much to say but wanted to stop by and say it sounds like you’re doing really well. Weird there is a food thing w so many of them. I wonder if that particular food is tied to a childhood memory or something similar. I saw some things like that w/my ex. You’re doing great, keep it up!