Post #1700 Last day of my abbreviated vacation. Had some panicked emails yesterday from one of the division heads followed by others being all concerned from other team members. I finally got back from my errands and looked into it. Nothing really a problem - just perceived to be one.
Just some rambling thoughts I want to put down "on paper" to get them out. I'm sure that more than doodler is visiting but it seems quiet here. A good spot to diarize and ponder.
I didn't message CL on Friday but after giving it some thought did late on Saturday afternoon. Brief about my day - wishes that her's was going well. I also told her that once she got to a place where she was ready to start doing the divorce / settlement stuff to let me know and I would be happy to share copies of my forms and such so that she would be able to get all her ducks in a row and hopefully keep her legal spend down. She told me that she would definitely take me up on that when she was ready. She's not ready at this point but I think is working her way up to it. I can sympathize with how hard it is to pull the trigger.
She was having another crappy day - provided minimal details - and it would seem was feeling overwhelmed and trying to do a purge. She said she needed a vacation so I sent her a link to the exterior of the Cervantes museum in Spain. It's a lovely spot surrounded by cafes and cute shops it appears. Response of "when do we go" - reply - "last weekend you suggested October but I won't have the money saved for my ticket until at least spring". A couple of humorous messages and that was that. I "presume" that she knows that I could be open to traveling with her but that I'm not expecting it (?)
While we were messaging I got one from my oldest sister - her sort-of step mother. It had a "bless you my child" tone expressing happiness that CL and I were hitting it off so well. I responded positively but also mentioned that she had stayed in the spare room. I think a lot of people including her made assumptions when we left the party together. No need to announce "I didn't sleep with this beautiful woman" to the world but tamping down people's expectations is probably wise.
I took a closer look at her social media presence. She still is listed as married on Facebook and there are a couple of older pictures of her husband and her from a couple of years ago. Nothing recent although there has been a big uptick in postings of her and her kids. Some angsty posts correspond to the timeline when she says that her ex walked out. She didn't really post much until after she left. I can sympathize with the need to reach out for validation. From what she's said, like me she didn't know how much her spouse kept her down until he was gone.
I also read up a bit on her church which is a big part of her life. She has very strong faith. It's the "New Apostolic Church" which I'd never heard of even though there is a fair sized church and presumably congregation the next town over. She knows that I'm "not particularly religious". I think her faith is a personal thing. Her son at least attends regularly as well.
So everything seems to be on the up and up with CL. She's not being clingy and demanding which would have been a big warning. She's got a lot of stuff to work through yet emotionally and practically. She does appear to have a good solid support network so she'll be just fine in time.
I'm going to let her drive where this is going. If she wants to get to know me better / hear from me, she is welcome to reach out and knows how to. I'm not sure what her expectations are from me and it would be nice if I did but women do not come with instruction manuals unlike men where it is just "show up naked and bring beer".
I've occasionally expressed the opinion that getting set up with someone would have been my preferred way of meeting someone. Well - it somewhat has happened. After a scary and confusing start it may eventually become something. Or it may not. It's certainly not going to be a whirlwind overnight romance. I do though quite possibly now have a date for my nephew's stag and doe party at the end of October.
And I still have lots of other people to get to know. I had been thinking of starting up my OLD profile but I think I'm just going to cruise along right now. Along with CL there is the lady I work with who went walking with me. I think that's about all I can handle for right now. I get mixed signals from the lady at the flower shop.
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I've been getting a number of messages lately from SIL1 who still keeps an eye on my ex's Facebook feed. The land of sunshine and unicorn f@rts does not seem to be where my ex is living. Lots of anger and angst the latter of the "poor me" variety increasing over time. I passed on the post that exquisitetobe had made to me about her truck-driver story. SIL1 figures that OM will probably dump her as soon as he finds a fresh target if he hasn't already. Practicalities involve them not spending much time together I presume. Cheaters cheat and liars lie and they both were involved in pretty much the biggest sort of lie. I would imagine trust isn't high but can't know.
A long while ago I believed the narrative that when they "hit rock bottom" that they "wake up". I think her rock bottom still has a long way to fall. I would have thought that where she was 6-8 months ago would have been it but it wasn't. I do think could happen fairly quickly if - she gets dumped - she dumps him - I find someone and she hears about it. Some trigger event or otherwise she'll probably just cruise along as a (presumably) lonely angry woman. She has lost pretty much everything and everyone that she once held dear.
I have indeed moved on and away from her but she may not know that. I have no idea if she has insight into my life but presume she gets info from S23 and mutual friends from time to time. S23 does know that I had an overnight guest and that I am fond of her. He was surprisingly nonchalant about it.
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I had been meaning to write some more about trust yesterday and didn't. I think that this is the key thing for me to explore amongst my various entrails.
I trust. I trust easily. I trust even in the face of untrustworthiness. I'm used to being disappointed in others.
This was going to be the longest part of my post. But I don't have anything beyond the facts.
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Oh - and doodler - thinking about the widows of my acquaintance it is interesting how they carry on forward. Many that I know still look and act married. Wearing their wedding rings, not seeking new companionship. A smaller number do look for new companionship but I think that there is a hugely different dynamic between a widow and a divorcee. Not sure if that is the case with widowers though or not. I also think in their future relationships their new partner has to deal with the fact that there is a ghost in the relationship too. After a divorce most people purge their lives of reminders of their former partners.
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Roasting a ham with potatoes for dinner tonight. A local cidery did up a batch of apple / rhubarb cider that S23 and I are looking forward to having with it.
The sun is currently shining so time for me to get outside and slap some paint on the front porch I believe.
Thanks for reading and caring.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Oh - and doodler - thinking about the widows of my acquaintance it is interesting how they carry on forward. Many that I know still look and act married. Wearing their wedding rings, not seeking new companionship. A smaller number do look for new companionship but I think that there is a hugely different dynamic between a widow and a divorcee. Not sure if that is the case with widowers though or not. I also think in their future relationships their new partner has to deal with the fact that there is a ghost in the relationship too. After a divorce most people purge their lives of reminders of their former partners.
Andrew,
I suspect you're right about widow versus divorcee thing. I think if I were a widower, I'd be more reluctant to date. I don't know why I feel that way, maybe it's because my divorce was so traumatic.
I'm surprised you used the word "f@rt"! I didn't think Canadians ever f@rted.
Some of the pheromones that had been fogging my head are I think clearing. I didn't message CL yesterday nor today.
I did do a bit of reading at lunch time of the etiquette of flirting / messaging etc and for a variety of reasons will do my best to take it slow. The first is that I don't want to come across as crazy old man stalker guy. The second is the advice I've read and that seems to make sense is that once you've shown interest that meaningful contact for legitimate reason is best. The third is the whole "dance of the pursuer" that is written about here and even though I these days don't buy the whole DB mantra, that one also makes sense to me. And finally, she's got a huge bucket of stuff that she's trying to deal with both practical and emotional. My waving my arms around going "cooee" would (probably) not be helpful.
On the other hand I have absolutely no clue how this sort of stuff works. Advice would be appreciated. After that first evening, the bulk of the red flags have vanished and I am interested in seeing where this goes. I am still a bit skittish though. She's not initiated contact since that weekend but has been prompt and pleasant in relatively short chats when I have.
I do also want to say that while fogged by pheromones that I did my ex a bit of a dis-service. Yes, the last couple of years have taken a toll on her from the last picture I saw of her on security cameras when she came through the house but she does rank up a couple of numbers higher than she did. I sort of look at the callous ranking of beauty as being on a bell curve with most people being in the middle and needing to be exceptional to get to the outer edge.
In a couple of weeks it will be the 30th anniversary of when my ex and I were set up on a blind date that resulted in her taking me home and essentially not letting out of her sight for decades. It's also when the monthly support payment is due. Le sigh. I'm tempted to make some sort of note on the transfer when I send it. If she has any thoughts of me and of us left she'll know. We were married one year less a day from when we met so the date is pretty memorable. No clue what's going on in her life. There's road construction south of me and the official detour takes me through the village that she moved to. I usually detour a bit farther but today drove past her flat in the early morning. Her car wasn't there as it usually would be. Maybe she is getting her happily ever after at long last. No clue. Not my issue.
"20 something" is up visiting in this area for reasons that are obscure to me. She's a nice kid but a bit of a bubble-head. I did have to contact her to mention that she missed a payment last Friday on the small loan that I cosigned for her. No job was her response and that she's going to try to get her boyfriend help pay (she just moved 1/2 way across the province to move in with him). I asked her to contact the bank and explain things and not just assume that things will work out and that they'll "understand" in the interim. If worse comes to worse I'll cover the remaining balance which I knew was a possibility when I signed initially. I stopped at the local bulk food store and picked her and S23 some junk food snax. They're out gallivanting around the countryside at present. I do have to stay on top of the banking stuff, perhaps go and talk to them myself to ensure that stuff gets done and things don't fall off the rails.
Well - time to get my lunch made for tomorrow. Early and long meetings with the corporate buy-out people again tomorrow and then later in the week. I got the time wrong and was slightly late for the meetings with them today but didn't miss much. We went over-time but a lot of good discovery work was done in the fit/gap analysis. It seems that some people have been pushing for some of the tools I built over the years to continue to be available so there's more meetings about that later in the week.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
The first is that I don't want to come across as crazy old man stalker guy.
Too late. But that's okay, apparently she likes crazy old man stalkers.
(Well, not an old man stalker, but a stalker that's an old man.)
Originally Posted by AndrewP
On the other hand I have absolutely no clue how this sort of stuff works. Advice would be appreciated.
You've come to a forum where everyone has absolutely no clue of how this stuff works and you're asking for advice?
Snark aside, my advice is that you should do what works. Don't go down cheeseless tunnels. (Of course, you don't know they're cheeseless until you've gone down them.) And, no cross-dressing until after the third date.
Lastly, I hope someone who's much less snarky comes along and gives you some good advice.
Andrew, being that she's still married and still relatively recently separated ( I believe you said 6 months), I think your best bet is to take dating off the table. Become friends with her, get to know each other as friends and stay in the back ground while she deals with her stuff. Then when/if the time is right, you like what you've gotten to know and she's in a good healthy place, then maybe step up your game and let your intentions known.
On the other hand, you may be friend zoned permanently if you go that route. Either way, I think that trying to start a R with her right now is not a good idea. If someone is still hesitant to "pull the trigger" on D, they are not in a place that makes a good foundation to a new R going forward.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Coconut - Thanks. That's very sensible advice. It'll be a balance between keeping interested and interest. I am fortunately in no huge rush. A brief note tomorrow perhaps checking in, asking how the handyman worked out for her on Monday and other sundry conversational items and then back behind the parapet. Contact perhaps once a week or so. It's probably been closer to a year for her since separation as she said that at Christmas time they were split (and he was absent - no contact with kids by his choice) and there is no possibility (she says) of reconciliation. I'm also open to other relationships although I won't be worrying about conflicts with that unless something more starts up.
Doodler - my doctor has advised me to avoid cheese.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Andrew, i was wondering ths same thing coconut was.
You seem to have other opportunities available for you, but you appear to be the most smitten with a woman that is atill in the trenches of divorce. Maybe explore thst?
Cause she is simply not going to be available. She will also be vulnerable. And this can lead to a lot of mixed feelings, resentment, and hurt down the line. It is easy to connect though because of the shared history and because of her looks. So i get it. But something to steongly consider before diving in.
I'll try to cut the cheese.