Is It Too Late?

[WillD78]

OK, folks. Need some advice.

Still in limbo. W is still at home playing house with me for the benefit of the kids, I suppose. She spends a few hours a week, doing what she says is preparing her new place for her big move to wreck our family, but still has not brought up a moving date, custody, finances, property, etc. I'm not sure if she is dragging her feet or what, but for someone who wants to leave me, she sure isn't in a hurry to do it. I know, it's the script.

Anyway, this is about finances. She is primarily a SAHM, but works remotely for 5-10 hours a week. I believe she puts most of that income into a savings account (we have always had separate accounts) and uses the monthly check I write to her to buy her items she needs, spends on the kids, etc. I also pay all of our bills, which, as you know, include our mortgage, her car payment, her mobile phone, her car insurance, her health insurance, groceries, dinners out, most activities, etc. She does contribute, too; buying things for the house and for the kids, etc., on the regular.

On last thing: I presume she is burning through our/her savings right now, paying her rent, buying God knows what for her new place, etc. In our R, she was the saver, I was the spender. We have always had separate accounts. I have a 401K, but otherwise we lived off of my paychecks while she would sock away sometimes up to half of hers. She also has some inheritance from her mother and brother. Since we haven't talked about this, I assume she's spending it like mad. A 180 for her, as she was always concerned about saving enough, having enough money to retire, etc. I'm sure she sees this savings as her money. I can see that -- she saved while I provided for the present -- but I don't like her blowing through it without at least talking to me about it.

So, do I keep this financial sitch going? I have told her that I will not be paying for her car, insurance, or mobile phone once she moves out. I do think I will have to keep writing her a monthly check, however. After talking with a L, it looks like I could be in trouble financially, if we can't keep this amicable; so I think I will keep paying her each month and justify it as essentially child support. But, now that she has supposedly made up her mind to move out (signed a lease three weeks ago), and, for all I know, is buying furniture for her new place, should I cease making the car payments, cell phone payments, etc., right now?

I'm thinking about sitting down with her tonight and telling her that I am through paying for her car (which she'll just pay off from her savings) and that I am going to deduct the cost of her mobile phone and car insurance from the check that I write her. I will then ask her about the savings sitch.

The other half of me wants to just keep the status quo. Pay the bills. Write the check. Let her spend "her" money. Stay quiet.

Thoughts?

[SteveLW]

You need to talk to your lawyer. He will advise on finances.

Have you read No More Mr. Nice Guy? I see some NGS qualities in your last post. Passive-aggressiveness. Covert contracts. Etc. Might be a good idea to read that and get into IC.

[WillD78]

Thanks, Steve. I'm in IC. I'll get the book. No problem. Where do you see me acting passive aggressively? I admit that my writing style may give you that idea ("wreck our family"), but that was a lame attempt at humor in this humorless sitch.

As far as the covert contracts, there's nothing covert about this. Our original arrangement (me spending, her saving) was discussed extensively and mutually agreed upon. And what I am thinking about doing now is having a discussion about changing our current arrangement in light of the current circumstances. Granted, I haven't read the book yet, but where am I being a nice guy?

[SteveLW]

Yes, the "wreck our family" comment was the passive-aggressiveness. How about "She spends a few hours a week, doing what she says is preparing her new place for her big move to try to find happiness....

Also the covert contract is your trying to control her through finances. What I read was "Maybe if I keep giving her money then she will be nice to me in the D proceedings." "But if I pull back on the finances maybe she will want to stay with me for my money."

I recognize NGS because I definitely had a case of it. And still struggle with it. The book was invaluable.

[WillD78]

Thanks, again. Ordered the book. It arrives Thursday.

I guess I will re-evaluate whether I am truly being passive aggressive in making that statement. Perhaps that is buried in my sense of humor.

I'm not sure if I agree that I am trying to control her and I understand that I should address this particular question with my lawyer. What I was hoping to gather from the group is whether there is a DBing way to look at this aspect of our sitch. I do not believe that me pulling back financial support will change her mind at all. I'm looking at this like I look at everything else in our family. She wants out of this MR. That means no more family time. I'm no longer her "friend." I GAL and we do things separately with our children. My question is, putting aside the legal questions, whether I should extend that to finances?

I have seen comments on other sitches recommending that LBSs cease all financial support, but this mostly seems to be when the spouse is in an active EA/PA. I don't believe that is the case right now in my sitch. I'm just wondering if this is the time to start pulling back financially; not because I want to spite her or control her, but because it is an inevitable step in this end game of S/D.

Like all things in DBing, wouldn't this be a sign that I am moving on while at the same time be a step in actually moving on? I mean, it will certainly make my life better. More money in my pocket means more opportunities to GAL, etc.

Or do I put all of that aside and simply rely on legal advice?

[SteveLW]

Yes, there is a DBing application to financial support post separation, and pulling it back. But it isn't about controlling, it is about boundaries. Your post didn't seem to be speaking to that, it came across as should I or shouldn't I? What is best for ME by doing one or the other.

The boundary aspect is: I refuse to fund you leaving the MR. It isn't about controlling her, she can still leave. It is about keeping a clear conscience that you didn't enable her decision because you disagree with it.

See the difference? Should I finance her or shouldn't I to try and control her behavor vs I refuse to finance something that I am morally opposed to.

The latter is an attitude of: "You can leave anytime you want. You are free to go. i won't try to stand in your way. But I also am not going to fund your desire to do so."

[SteveLW]

The other aspect of your post was "Will she be mad at me if I cut off or limited the financing?"

Your real outlook on this should be "I am going to do what I think is right (NOT finance the separation) and if she gets mad about it so be it".

Do what is right. Do not violate your own principles and morals. Let her feelings fall where they may.

[WillD78]

Thanks so much, Steve. Really appreciate your perspective. This is what I was looking for. Time to reflect.

[SteveLW]

No problem.

One more thing, I am not a lawyer, so take this with a grain of salt! But what I have read is that in general you should not be giving a separated spouse support until ordered to do so by a court.

[WillD78]

Got it. I'll certainly be talking this over with my lawyer.