It is confusing. Frankly, I think the examples in the goals chapter are really bad.
Your 180s sound good. Be careful about inviting him and suggesting plans, as that can feel like pursuit. Make plans for yourself, invite him, but if he doesn't go, make sure you go anyway.
Are you seeing an individual counselor? I highly recommend it. Among other things, you need to figure out if you still want to be married to him if he stays depressed and never wants children.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Yesterday we went for a drive and walk together (Again my suggestion). I must be careful with this as it does seem as pursuit, also I told him ILY to which he replied :that’s nice.... I guess I should stop saying that because it isn’t answered and only hurts me. Overall, I must adjust all pursuit behaviours to 180. My only worry is that it will push him further away and distance him even more. I am not seeing an individual councillor... maybe I should, I am not sure how exactly it would help me at this point though.
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
Have you read about the pursuit and distance dynamic? Were you ever pursued by someone you didn't like? The more they pursue, the less you want to spend time with them, until, if they don't stop, you become repulsed by them.
Not pursuing allows him to let his defenses down and enjoy your relationship a little bit on his terms. If he feels like engaging with you will lead to you asking him for more, he's less likely to engage at all.
On my first appointment with my counselor, I said, "My husband is going to divorce me, and I want to get through this without hating myself."
She helped me process things, and helped me feel like a worthwhile and lovable person while I was learning to self-validate. She also helped me break mental habits that lead to a lot of presumptive worry and stress.
And like I said, I think you could use a sounding board to decide if you want to be married to your husband as he is, or only if he stops being depressed and wants kids.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Rose- thanks a million, I really needed to hear that so I am now stopping all the pursuit behaviour as for this morning. My willingness to control and fix the situation hasn't served me well at all. I am taking a step back... I just need to trust myself that it is going to be alright.
I had a wobble yesterday and again was reduced to tears by my H's indifference... but I managed to hold in and smile and talk cheerfully. I felt so proud of myself afterwards that I took control over my emotions and detached. I really feel that I don't deserve to be treated with such indifference but I am trying to believe that it is only a phase we are going through.
It will be interesting this afternoon as a good friend of mine is popping in to visit me with a 2 months old baby...
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
So my friend with a baby (7 weeks) came to visit... we had a lovely chat and tea, and H came to say hello- he was very charming and funny... almost hisold self in public... also when he talks to his friends on the phone he doesn't sound depressed at all. He is only like that with me. After my friend left, my H didnt comment on anything... nor did I. I don't have many friends with small children, and all his friends have children who are teenagers or in their twenties...
But when I helt my friend's baby I just felt so much longing. I really hope to experience being a mother one day. But at what price? We have home and lifestyle to suit the child, we are both married, I love him...
My friend suggested to give it a deadline- time when I will leave if nothing works out, I am not sure if I should do that? Does anyone on here has a deadline on DB?
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
I am sure that my W is taking money to hide in advance of issuing a D. Therefore I might have to D her by a deadline to help protect myself.
MrsJLS, I wish my W was more like you in trying to save M. About a week before W left I'd mentioned having another baby. I guess your deadline is your body clock minus the time to meet someone new (who would be a great father and H) and the time to get pregnant.
Thank you for your kind words DavidUK As for the children... I do want them but I am also considering that I might have a life without them... which would be awfully sad and, of course, I hope that I will have them. But I am not that desperate to be a single mother, take an artificial route for some egg or sperm donations etc, obviously I am also not that desperate to D my H because of that... just yet. I trust and hope that things will work out one way or another.
So yesterday I didn't kiss him or touch him once nor I said ILY... it was really strange for me as I am so used to giving and expressing love, perhaps that's how 180s must feel.. strange, out of my character. I am not even sure if H noticed because the distance is just the same... however I am going to carry on with this no pursuit- no touch or no ILY but friendly, chattu and cheerful. We are going to the movies tonight, my suggestion again and I got the tickets. I know it seemed like a pursuit, however it is my 180 too as I have never done it before. I told him that I want to see the new Tom Cruise movie and I am getting two tickets. If he were to say no, I would get my friend to come anyway.
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
As MWD suggested I am noticing small positive changes. So I continued no pursuing today, confident, chatty and fun self and we went for a movie together... which I agree might look as pursuing but I really just thought I am going out with a friend not my H. There was a small wobble in our conversation during the day but I managed to get out of it nicely without causing further arguments. And H kissed me 3 times today ( yes, I am counting), hugged me once and held my hand a few times when crossing a road and came into our home office, when I was working, to have a chat! I am gobsmacked!!! Rose was right- I am giving him space to decide to lead the relationship... fingers crossed it continues.
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
Congrats JLS! This is very common. When you stop being he pursuer, you often become the pursuee. It takes time though and most LBSs get impatient with the wait-and-see approach and keep pressuring and pursuing because it feels more natural. Not pursuing requires effort and self-control.
Well done. It is important to remain consistent because he could just be temp checking. Don't take the positives as a sign that he is now open to pursuit.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
