No more chances

[RWAlan]

It has become quite clear that she is dealing more with her childhood and her parents than with her marriage. Our marriage is something she can escape, whereas her family isn't. As I detach and spend less time with her and communicate less, she will hopefully realize that the pain that is still there isn't coming from me. I've experienced tremendous relief from dealing with my issues that way.

[RWAlan]

So, I started reading No More Mr. Nice Guy and listening to the audio book Iron John. I don't want to overdo it, but there is some good stuff in both. I plan to integrate the real man stuff into my life and help my son appreciate it during his adolescence. I've been getting in touch with my side of the marriage story, remembering episodes I've repressed and noticing patterns of behavior. There is plenty she hasn't owned up to or even realized probably. We have both blamed way to much on me. I'm dealing with my own personal issues and working to understand my part in our history and what my current responsibilities are. I feel like I'm getting stronger, more confident, and more independent every day.

[RWAlan]

I have an appointment with an attorney to go over my rights and how to protect myself and my son. I did a simple internet search for myself and my wife and we are both listed as either single or possibly single on multiple sites. I have no idea how this happened. I'm thinking she must have changed her status on FB before deleting her profile. I have made it clear that I will be returning home soon and that she can find an apartment.

[RWAlan]

My therapist is highly skilled in trauma therapies and we have been working through both childhood issues and recent events. I have been able to process and integrate memories of condemnation and fear of God and judgment. I have also worked through being told I am not strong, not emotionally available, and not worth being in love with. Yesterday we focused on the affair, recent suspicions, guilt, shame, and regret. We finished on the deep disappointment and realization that her crisis is not about me and that I've done everything I could. I had good reasons to divorce before this crisis. I have found deep reserves of strength, confidence, and compassion in myself that were always with me but not nurtured in my marriage. I recognize weakness, doubt, and dispair in my wife that have much more to do with her parents than with me. I tried for years to listen and support her. Perhaps her failure to get the attention and respect of her parents has been transferred to me and our marriage. Because she has used this crisis to justify hurting herself, our family, and our future I am now able to step up and protect and provide for my son, myself, and even her. My ability to work through my pain without hurting anyone will be a model of a man's ability and responsibility for my son.

[RWAlan]

I'm trying to post regular updates to vent and keep my thread active. I'm struggling with the particulars of the DB program for my extreme situation. I've been doing a ton of research and introspection and therapy and talking to a lot of people. Of course, that brings me a lot of different ideas about what I need to do now. Everything points to improving myself and my relationship with my son. That is a given. I'm meeting new people and creating a new life for myself. The real issue is how to deal with my wife. Amount and style of communication, attitude when around her, etc. I've always been over-analytical because of my repressed emotions. Now that I'm getting in touch with who I am and what I want I'm surprised to discover that I really don't know if I want to be married to this woman anymore. Truth be told, I've been troubled by our marriage for years, probably more than her actually. I really want to create the space and time we both need to figure out what our future could look like.

[Maika]

About communication and attitudes towards your W, DB gives good guidelines about that. I would follow that. Figure out the degree of NC you can do with W. Respond only when you need to. Figure out communications about your son and schedule etc.

Yes, through the healing process one sees who the other person really is and it can make you do a double-take on whether you want to be with them. I can tell you that you can't be with her the way she is. She would have to do work and show tremendous growth to be a good partner to anyone. One of my key character traits is accountability. I will not be with anyone who can't do that.

Keep improving your relationship with your son and just focus on you. Let her go on her path and keep communications on a needs only basis. Don't initiate R talks. and if she does, just validate. NC/Dark will help you create that space you're talking about. From my personal experience, this space was so helpful and important.

[RWAlan]

Thank you very much. This seems to be the direction I'm heading in anyway. You are correct about how much she needs to work on herself before anything between us is possible. There are no current signs that she is willing to do anything. The detachment of the last 9 days or so has resulted in her ceasing all signs of affection or regard. However, it has also brought all discussion of serious issues to a halt. I'm willing to continue this path for awhile.
It has helped tremendously to understand that this is a major life crisis for her and does not have much to do with me. The things she has complained about are things I need to work on anyway. Life goes on and is getting better by the week.

[RWAlan]

It is fascinating to me that she seems completely OK, even happy, the few times I've seen her lately. I realized that I'm actually feeling better, even with the occasional anxiety, than I've felt in years. I don't think we've both been this seemingly well in a long time. Everything must be boiling right under the surface, but you wouldn't be able to tell by watching us. The last time I said anything serious she did visibly deflate a bit, but I avoid those situations like the plague now.

[RWAlan]

Spoke with attorney yesterday. Made me feel a lot better. There is clearly no legal activity going on at all yet. It would take upwards of a year even if we started now on mediation.

[SteveLW]

RWAlan,

I finally caught up on your sitch. It is very complicated, probably more so than most others here. Obviously, your battle with addiction is the biggest complicating factor.

You made this statement in your OP:

I had a relapse which I now understand from later events is triggered when my primary addiction, my wife’s love, becomes absent or withheld.

This needs to be fixed. And the only way to do that is through detachment. Read the detachment thread. Learn it. You are way too attached to your W, more than is close to healthy. Do some study on self-differentiation in marriage.

My advice to you?

1) Work on being sober above all else. Nothing else in your life can be right until you have that fully under control. You've learned a lot along the way. 1) You can never drink like a normal (non-alcoholic) person. 2) You will use other excuses to justify drinking, so 180 on that (see what I quoted from you above). You've learned that relapses can happen so remain diligent to never even consider drinking. (Note: as a recovering alcoholic myself (now 24+ year sober) I can relate.)

2) Once you've taken care of yourself including #1, be the best father that you can be. It sounds like you are doing this. Keep it up. You have to be the priority because you can't be a good father without first being healthy yourself.

3) Give your W not only the time and space she asks for, and time and space she hasn't! You ended your OP by saying you were only going to communicate with her about your S. That is good. Logistics about S's care ONLY. Nothing else. You have to stop ALL pressure and pursuit. No R talks. Remain diligent on that.

I get the impression that you haven't read DB/DR. Get DR at a minimum and read it. Your W is showing classic WAS characteristics. The rewriting of history, blaming you for everything, suggesting things that she knows you will not be for (IE the staying married and living separate lives suggestions). This is all WAS 101. They do these things to try and let you down easy. To ease their own guilt. But your WAS is saying and doing all the typical WAS things. DR will explain all of this too you.

As Cadet's post says. Detach. Continue doing your 180s (control your addiction, be the best father you can be, etc), GAL! GAL is sooooooo important. You need to stay busy and active. Get back into shape physically and the emotional and mental will follow suit! Just be the best, RWAlan 2.0 you can be!

Your W will either come around, or she won't. But you need to do all these things for YOU, not her or the MR.