I am feeling so hopeless in this, he said tonight that it is too late and there is too much damage and he is too hurt. I can keep apologising until cows go home but it is like against the wall. He refuses to see through our problems and just keeps saying how depressed he is. I can’t wait for a book to arrive ... now I am just crying in pillow. I love him and desperately want to save our marriage. He seemed to enjoy the movie together but at the moment I feel I can stand on my head but nothing is going to make my M better :(((
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
He is still in his negative state today and keeps saying how horrible our marriage and how depressed he is feeling. I keep validating him to my hearts content.
I went for an early morning walk with the dog and really thought everything through... and decided that the best I can do is to love him and show him that... but at the same time not being a doormat either. I liked what I found on this site- act as a caring neighbour or the lighthouse story.
Detaching or going dark- which I done last week -does not work, he just gets more distant and I am more frustrated. Being in my best persona I feel more control because now I don't give him any reason to leave me.
Still waiting for DR book to arrive....!
Last edited by MrsJLS; 07/25/1811:17 AM.
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
Still no progress.. patience is the key in this but sometimes when he leaves the room after saying - it doesn't work and we are not talking- no matter how chatty, cheerful, fun I am... I am left with tears in my eyes. I am starting to ask myself- here I am 34 yo blonde, tall, attractive, intelligent (did I mention modest) getting plenty of attention outside home but my own 61 yo husband is totally ignoring me. It just doesn't make sense. I try not to believe anything in what he says and half of what he does just as suggested... keep calm and carry on... with tears in my eyes.
What I can say that each night- at least I go to sleep knowing that I did the best I could do... and I really am the best person I could possibly be.
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
What I can say that each night- at least I go to sleep knowing that I did the best I could do... and I really am the best person I could possibly be.
BINGO. This is the key. You can control you, not him. JLS I don't know what will happen with your and your H, but I do know that YOU will be fine. You will move forward. You have a lot of life ahead of you and a lot to give to someone that wants you and values you. That may be your H eventually, it may be someone new.
Stay strong. It always gets worse before it gets better, but it does get better!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The DR book arrived yesterday so I spent almost all day reading it! So many useful tips and advice, and gives me great encouragement for a way forward.
We both went for a cycle ride around London today (my suggestion) - there is a big cycling event and the roads around the central area are closed. I kept being cheerful and upbeat throughout the ride, together we helped a lady who fell of her bike, had an icecream in Hydepark after the route and when at home he said that he enjoyed it. Maybe there is hope after all.
I wanted to put down my goals here: 1) H intitates intimacy and wants children (last time we ML was one year ago) small steps would be: -H kisses me ( so far hasn't) -H hugs me when we go to sleep - nothing yet -H says a compliment- nope -H initiates ML -H says he wants a family and does something about it
2) we have lovely/easy conversations and plan things/holidays together - we talk during the meal times and in between in an easy non pressured way, we never run out of the things to talk about - we go to movies once a month - occasional weekends away in the countryside -planning a romantic holiday - Italy/France in September (well, I can dream, can't I?) - making Christmas plans -sponatneous walks/coffee around the town -visiting a gallery/theatre/concert once a month
3) H is being happy about the future with me -he finds a way continuing doing his business which struggling at the moment - he visits a doctor/looks for a help/ talks to a friend for his depression - he stops being grumpy all the time!
That's about it. How does it look? Comments/suggestions?
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
MrsJLS I understand how you feel. You are a lovely caring person and your H is a fool not to value you. I live not all that far from you, I'm a bit older than you and have 2 young kids. My advice... if you want a great family life then both parents need to be ultra supportive because it's hard work (and can be the most fantastic rewarding thing ever in life). Your H doesn't sound like he wants to do that. If you do go on to have kids together and then the M fails... then I can assure you it is really tough, way more difficult than a couple splitting. I admire you for trying to save your M.
I pulled out my copy of DR to reread the goals chapter. The book says to pick goals that can be accomplished in a week or two. Yours seem much too ambitious.
Also, honestly the way MWD talks about goals is a bit different from how most people think about goals, and I think it is easy for LBSes to head down a bad path based on what they understand the book to be saying.
Personally, I think the only person you can have goals for is yourself. Everything else is a wish or a hope.
Based on that idea, only #2 comes close to being a goal, and even that is only half goal/half wish.
If your wish is that you and your husband have easy conversations, think about what in your behavior is making it difficult for you to have those conversations, and then identify 180s you can do in those areas. If you usually try to engage him as soon as he walks in the door and he seems unresponsive, give him space when he gets home and talk to him over dinner. If there's a topic that frequently leads to conflict, think about how you could change what you say and how you react in that conversation to diffuse the tension. Also identify some small signs that you are moving closer to those easy conversations. Is it that he asks you a question about your day? That he tells you something about his? That he chooses to stay in the same room as you?
Then, you implement the 180s in your behavior and look to see if there is any response from him that moves you closer to the wish of having better conversations.
You can change only yourself.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
The DR book arrived yesterday so I spent almost all day reading it! So many useful tips and advice, and gives me great encouragement for a way forward.
We both went for a cycle ride around London today (my suggestion) - there is a big cycling event and the roads around the central area are closed. I kept being cheerful and upbeat throughout the ride, together we helped a lady who fell of her bike, had an icecream in Hydepark after the route and when at home he said that he enjoyed it. Maybe there is hope after all.
I wanted to put down my goals here: 1) H intitates intimacy and wants children (last time we ML was one year ago) small steps would be: -H kisses me ( so far hasn't) -H hugs me when we go to sleep - nothing yet -H says a compliment- nope -H initiates ML -H says he wants a family and does something about it
2) we have lovely/easy conversations and plan things/holidays together - we talk during the meal times and in between in an easy non pressured way, we never run out of the things to talk about - we go to movies once a month - occasional weekends away in the countryside -planning a romantic holiday - Italy/France in September (well, I can dream, can't I?) - making Christmas plans -sponatneous walks/coffee around the town -visiting a gallery/theatre/concert once a month
3) H is being happy about the future with me -he finds a way continuing doing his business which struggling at the moment - he visits a doctor/looks for a help/ talks to a friend for his depression - he stops being grumpy all the time!
That's about it. How does it look? Comments/suggestions?
These are not goals but wishes.
You can not set goals for another's behaviour or actions.
GOALS ARE ABOUT YOU NOT ABOUT YOUR H.
None of this is achievable because the goals are about your actions, things which are under your control.
If you even try actions like these you will come across as controlling.
So there is no way you can make H want children or initiate intamcy, stop trying to control H who he is, what he wants, thinks and does.
GOALS ARE ABOUT YOU.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
David Rose Vanilla- thank you, I am re reading the goal chapter and trying to get it right. And I am getting confused. From her examples in the book -the goals are about what the other person does. Am I missing something there? I realise that a lot of goals/wishes are longer term but how would I break down for example this one: H kisses me or H says ILY - as MWD states om her book the goals must describe the actual behaviour and be action-oriented/specific. She also encourages to look for the small positive signs of change in WAS to see if the goals are going in the positive direction.
As for the conversations- I have a real trouble with this and I am trying to be as objective as I can. I realise that in the past I shut down and didn't talk, and sulked... so my 180 now is talking about anything almost all the time, be open and fun- just like I was when we first met. I can put other 180s: Invite him along if I plan something, suggest to do things together Don't talk about R, especially when we go to sleep- we used to have hours and hours of conversations in bed... my initiative... Be independent abd confident- no clinginess, crying, neediness as before GAL- struggling with this at the moment Always smile when I see him
I need to work on GAL- it is Sunday and it's raining and we both are at home...
Looking at this... just makes me realise what a horrible wife I have been during the last year or so- after he said that he doesn't want children. Instead of trying to be calm and collected and think/discuss our problems rationally, I did like from the textbook everything that were truly damaging for the M, totally out of control.
As for the small positive changes- he seems to be a bit more relaxed and not as negative as a few days ago. Still no signs of affection though.
W34 H61 M1 T3 June-H said he wants divorce but hasn't filed. Living and sleeping in the same bed, no intimacy from H side for last 12 months.
