I'm Broken II

[HelenaJ]

LW, Nicole, I will definitely make the best out of the trip. My best friend still lives there and we are staying on one of the Great Lakes so we'll be right on the water and the kids can swim. These are the moments I'd live for, before.

Journaling:
After reading all my old threads and really looking at the things H has said to me....I'm not really sure these boards are where I belong. I am not willing to do anything to "save" my M. My M is not worth saving frankly. The disrespect and contempt runs so deep, it cannot be dealt with unless both parties have a come to Jesus moment. I want to save it for our children but I simply can't do it by myself, it will take both of us no question. The light he sees me in is not who I am and I don't know who it is. It's made me feel completely crazy at times and I question myself over and over, maybe he's right. But when I read back my old threads, I see it's just more of the same. He's not right. I was a young girl trying to deal with very real issues. My H was an alcoholic even though when I read back I see that I could not bring myself to classify him as such. Everyone tried to tell me to go to Alanon, one person even got so frustrated with me that she left my thread because I made excuses not to go an excuses for everything. They were right of course but I was worried he'd think I was crazy. No doubt he would have. But he thought that anyway. I never went. Then we had kids and H put 95% of his focus on our S (now S17) and 3% of his focus on D (now D15) and 2% of his focus on me (which is when we were having sex). H has never admitted any wrongdoing that might have contributed to the downfall of our M. And we've been together 26 years. It's all me. He calls me delusional, sick, selfish, etc. and I always believed he thought that....and in order for him to think that, I must be doing things so very wrong and just look at all the wrong things I've done....no one else would have done the things I've done, what is wrong with me? And I would read books and come here and beg people to tell me what's wrong with me so I can fix it and our M can be happy again. And it all has to be things that are within my power bc H will not budge.....so the changing, the fixing, the willingness to admit wrong, all of it, it has to be something I can do on my own....couldn't someone just tell me how to fix it??
But when I read my old threads, he said all these same things to me back then too and I can see now that H doesn't say these things to me because he believes them. He says these things to me so that I will believe them. If I believe those things about myself, then H can be superior, he can dominate and control and use shame to keep me in my place whenever I start to remember who I am.

[bhappy2]

This board is not just to try and save marraiges, its to save us. The M being saved would only be a bonus. We have one life to live. I have read most of your old threads, no deserves to be treated the way your H treated you. Yes it takes two to make things work.

H, start doing things for you and your children, no one here condones D but sometimes it really is warranted.

[arsh18]

You need some space Helena to breathe and think things through. To really understand from deep inside what it is that you really need. Hope you have a vacation with the kids, make the most of it - arshi

[HelenaJ]

I agree I need some space. Here's what I would LOVE to say. "H, the way things are between you and I is not healthy It's not healthy for either of us to live like this and I don't believe it's healthy for our kids to witness it either. I would like to move out and I will continue to pay half of the mortgage, the children's daycare expenses, their medical and all of S17's graduation gift (a trip to Europe). I want 50/50 shared custody and would love to have a positive coparenting relationship with you, similar to what we have now."

That's what I want. I think it's totally fair and would give us all some room to breathe. But in March when I tried to tell him that I was going to move out, he told me it was child abuse, that I was going to eff up our kids, that I was so sick to put my own happiness before our children's, that I was crossing a line I could not cross back from, that if I could do this I was a far worse person than he ever believed I could be, etc. He threatens me and intimidates me and it works. So here I am. Still. If I leave, I have to be prepared to D. And that's just a really scary and hard thing to contemplate. It seems so unfair to feel like my only choices are to stay like this or completely rip the family apart. But alas, those are my choices, as dictated by H.

Our 18th wedding anniversary was Friday. We are too far gone to acknowledge but it reminded me of our anniversary last year when I could feel all of this coming. H didn't acknowledge our anniversary and I remember going for a walk with him (nothing special, he was getting in his fitbit steps and I tagged along, ha) and I cried and told him how hurtful it was. He remembered, he just didn't acknowledge. There is a big difference there. He said something like "we're just so busy" or something but never tried to comfort me or make me feel better. That was one of the pivotal moments for me in realizing that I was being an idiot by hoping things would just miraculously change for the better. The next big thing was when he refused to let me take S17 to a concert. H made all kinds of excuses not to go so I was going to take S17 instead and H purposely sabotaged it by not picking up the little two when he was supposed to. When I talked to him about it later he said "We never discussed you taking S17" and I was like why do we need to "discuss it", what is there to discuss? He said something to the effect of he didn't want me putting S17 in a bad spot bc I could start talking and flirting with other guys and he will protect S17's heart even more than his own. I was like what?? The third big thing was when H sent me a text about "being interested", meaning he wanted to ML and I just felt a million miles away from him and I texted him back saying I just felt to emotionally distant to do that right now and he said he didn't feel that way but understood. Never came into the bedroom or cared that I felt that way, all that mattered to him was that he didn't feel that way. Then the fourth and final thing that happened where I just knew we couldn't go on was when I was making a very important job change. I am the primary breadwinner in our home, although H makes a good income. Even still, we could not afford the life we have without my income. So this job change was important to me, but more importantly, it was a big deal for our family and thus, if for no other reason than that, it should have been a big deal for him. My boss that I had worked for for 7 years had become increasingly abusive to the staff and although I was lucky enough to be mostly immune, I was sick of witnessing it. I was lucky enough to have two job offers to choose from, both at my current salary. H just couldn't be bothered to talk about it, whenever I'd try, he'd act uninterested or let the kids interrupt, etc. I remember mentioning that if this is the way things are between us, why, why do we bother?? No response from him. At that moment, as I made the decision on my own and transitioned into a new job on my own I knew I was just fed up. It's been 8 months since then and we haven't been intimate in almost a year. I wanted to wait until S17 graduates to bring up separation but now I'm freaking out about him going through his parents separating right as he goes off to college when he should be focusing on his own new journey. Maybe I should back it up a little in order to give him some time to get used to things before he leaves, maybe like after Christmas. I just don't know.

[LoneWlf]

Helena - after reading your last post I sense a lot of raw emotions. I also sense confusion as to what your contemplated next steps should be. I strongly encourage you to pause- breathe - take some time to let your emotions subside before making any rash decisions. I too feel at times angered, hurt, frustrated and confused. It is at these moments I try to step away from the sitch - breathe and try to move forward cautiously.I hope this helps! Please know I am here to support you ! Blessings!

[HelenaJ]

LW, thanks. I dont know how people can make these decisions and not be raw and confused. I dont understand the WASs here, I never will. Given my tendency to put up with way more than I should, to take way more blame than I should and to continue to love someone I probably shouldnt, Im afraid im going to have to force myself bc I dont think ill ever be ready or ever know for sure. At some point I feel like ill have to make myself go. Or else ill be 50 and still in the same situation.

[NicoleR]

Helena, you're trapped in a lot of ways and there doesn't seem to be any easy way out. If you can find a way to avoid your husband and reduce the abuse episodes, and if there's no physical abuse, then waiting for your son to graduate seems like it'll benefit him. Your son has enough to handle at this stage in his life and a lot of change coming as he prepares to move out. That might be the best plan of action but it may not help alleviate your mental anguish though. It may be hard to appreciate the little bit if stability that remains in your home right now, but you may appreciate it someday because this might be the last year that your family is together. Perhaps you can think of ways to make the best of it. I see you still have little kids too - it's important to think what's best for them. Another ten or twelve years in a home with one parent who abuses the other and parents who have no functioning relationship, or two homes with parents who move on separately to rebuild their lives. It's an important question for all of us who have little kids and have ability to choose.

[HelenaJ]

Checking in from the shores of Lake Huron. Vacation has been bittersweet as I knew it would be, so nothing unexpected.
Times like this, in our hometown where there is lots of history and we have full days to spend with our children, it would be obvious if there were a chance of reconciliation. Instead it's obvious that there isn't.

H

[Davide]

Hang in there. Enjoy the vacation as much as you can. We are pulling for you.

[ovrrnbw]

Helena, things aren't always obvious. Your feeling of hopelessness reminded of this, it may be dumb and it may just make you laugh, but I'm posting it here b/c it did something for me when I was/am feeling similar...

Ended up on a crossroad
Try to figure out which way to go
It's like you're stuck on a treadmill
Running in the same place
You got your hazard lights on now
Hoping that somebody would slow down
Praying for a miracle
Who'll show you grace?
Had a couple dollars and a quarter tank of gas
With a long journey ahead
Seen a truck pull over
God sent an angel to help you out
He gave you direction
Showed you how to read a map
With a long journey ahead
Said it ain't over
Oh, even in the midst of doubt