Hi Westo. Just to give you some background on what's involved.
My doctor first diagnosed me with high blood pressure. Typical, easy thing to diagnose. She had me wear a blood pressure machine for 24 hours and was confused as to why my blood pressure didn't go down at night. Various medications were prescribed.
It was at my wife's suggestion that I asked about a sleep study mentioning that she had noticed that I did stop breathing at night. So a referral was made to the local sleep clinic. The comment about stopping breathing was the key thing missing in my diagnosis.
For the sleep study, you show up at the clinic, they wire you up from head to toe (almost literally) and you try to get some sleep while they monitor you on a camera. Pajamas both top and bottom are required . All they really need is a bit of actual sleep so that they can take their measurements so even if you are sure that you won't sleep well it still is fine.
I don't recall how the scale is set but I was off the charts for poor breathing. So they gave me a prescription for a machine and I went off to that shop.
Here in Ontario the government subsidizes CPAP machines and other such things. My health plan through work pays another 80% so I got a top of the line machine for then - the ResMed S9. The person at the shop also sold me a "nasal pillow" mask which isn't very intrusive. Back in the day when there was kissing happening, it could come off very very fast I believe that the machine and accouterments came to roughly a thousand pound before subsidies and such. There are less expensive machines that also work. It has a little reservoir for distilled water that I empty each morning and refill before bed. The masks I wipe down with special disinfectant cloths. I have to replace the nasal pillows every 4-6 months as the silicone wears down and makes a poorer seal. A replacement is maybe around 15-20 pounds at the most.
After I had my machine for a few months I went back and they re-tested me using the prescribed pressure and adjusted it a tad. It was one of the best night's sleeps I've had as there was a tech monitoring to ensure that everything was on the green.
The machine "is" a nuisance to travel with. It comes with it's own bag and I believe if you fly you are allowed it as an extra carry-on as a medical device. I pack an extension cord with an adapter for different plugs when I travel. There are lighter, smaller and cheaper machines out there that essentially do the same thing.
I do firmly believe that the machine saved my life. It greatly reduced my risk of heart attack.
Have you considered inviting your H to go on your walks with you? For me (ignoring the whole LBS diet and stress thing which you wouldn't want to talk to him about) I went from roughly 270 lbs to 220 over the course of just a few months. One of the things that got me there was walking. I use a walking stick which keeps my hands from getting tired as the blood can pool in your hands on a long walk. It also give me something I can poke at random things I see on my walk. Because of appetite loss, I also cut back on the beer (cut it out for about a month) and reduced the size of portions that I ate. I would walk about 2 miles or so 3 or 4 times a week. I currently only do that about once a week. I have a standard route through the village that I use often stopping to visit with neighbours and such as I go.
Losing weight will also help with his sleep apnea. I was re-tested about a year ago and they reduced the pressure on my machine by quite a bit. I'll probably always need it. They also dropped off about 1/2 of the meds I was on for blood pressure. It does sound like he's interested but doesn't know where to start. A nice walk in the evening would do no end of good in my opinion for all sorts of things.
Anyway - you sound stressed my dear Westo - keep your chin up. You have so very very much to be proud of.
((((Westo))))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I've been lying low for a while and can't post about my situation, but I was so thrilled for where yours seems to be heading. Dig deep for patience and understanding. Keep working on you and get out and enjoy what most be a wonderful summer there.
Since he’s been home and eating the food I make him from scratch, he’s already losing weight. He has eaten mostly processed food including Mc Donald’s and KFC since he left and piled on the weight.
I’m confident that his snoring and apnea will improve in time. I don’t want to make a big deal of it, as I’m sure you understand.
Hi Ownit,
Thank you for the support and I’m sorry to hear you’re going through the mill with H again right now and wish you well.
Remember we are here for you whenever you need us.
It’s all so surreal here. It’s like he never left and those two plus years have gone in the blink of an eye. I don’t initiate physical contact unless he does, I give him the space he obviously needs which at the moment consists of being in work or on his laptop.
Like it was for years before he left. I’m saying nothing for now but........I’ll give it a few weeks. It’s our wedding anniversary on 27th August and I’ve dropped hints for us to go away for a night.
I wait in anticipation but as Job will say, keep my expectations to zero. Boy this is harder than I ever imagined, as I imagined him not being able to keep his hands off me........not so.
Oh Westo, I am sure it's hard to see him return and yet be so much a shell of himself. You know the drill: focus on you as that's all you can control. We're all here to support you.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I’m confident that his snoring and apnea will improve in time. I don’t want to make a big deal of it, as I’m sure you understand.
Absolutely. And you are right. There's a direct relationship between weight and sleep apnea.
Originally Posted by Westo
It’s all so surreal here. It’s like he never left and those two plus years have gone in the blink of an eye.
job and other vets have written that they have a belief that we are right where they left us and that nothing changes while they are off dancing with the faeries. We however have not been tempted by the fey folk nor followed the will 'o the wisp.
My mother was Irish so you'll I hope forgive me for diving into the lore a bit more than you might like. I am sure that you still worry that they have left their "mark" upon him. Since as we've talked over the years, counseling isn't a thing that will happen are there other ways to make sure that he's free of what pulled him away? I'm sure he's far more practical than me and is unlikely to dance naked around the standing stones (is that a thing in Wales? - none here so naked dancing is rare).
Speaking more in the real world, he's very much in favour of just sweeping everything under the rug and pretending that the last few years didn't happen. I so very much admire you for your ability to drink the STFU smoothies and work your way through things.
Will your anniversary dinner happen? If you want it to, then make it happen. Make the reservations and just inform him of it as a fait accompli. For the next while you'll be hauling him up and down that mountain on your back metaphorically speaking. He's not going to do the work so to get to where you want to be, you'll need to do it for both of you.
How are your son and daughter with all this? I'm sure it is difficult.
Sending a large CWTCH to you and all those you love who are around you IRL (((Westo)))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
sweetheart just keep breathing, keep focusing on you (which I imagine is difficult with him living there - well, it would be for me, i confess!), and yes, zero expectations.
massive hugs! {{{{{{{xoxoxoxo}}}}}}}
keep posting!
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thank you for showing interest in my sitch...I really appreciate everyone’s visit and posts. I’ve relied on you for so long and especially my comrades from the beginning. You know who you are!
It’s little things that you don’t expect when the WAS comes home. Putting the shopping away. The eggs in the fridge....I never did that or the passata...noooooo!. He knew that, or he did but he forgets....
I am indeed stressed Andrew. I used to make his sleep H@ll. For years he couldn’t sleep on his back or right side. I insisted that he slept on his right side, (away from me)......Once he started snoring I’d tell him to turn over. Again and again. He would complain that his left ear hurt. Did I care. No!
What a selfish cow I was.....not that I’m the only one to blame, if blame is what you can call the breakdown of a marriage.
On reading the Five Love Languages I can see clearly what happened. I wholeheartedly recommend everyone to read it and yes Andrew....it looks like I’ll have to be the one to do the work. After all, I’ve spent the last two years discovering me....he didn’t do the same.
That’s what I’ve gained this most from this remarkable forum....
Our son is absolutely ok, but D isn’t. I’m afraid I don’t think her and H’s relationship will ever be the same. It’s very upsetting for me, that in his company she is over excited and stumbles over her words, kind of babbling. , worrying if the GKids are making too much noise.
That makes me even more stressed.....
Believe me a year ago it was easier. My advice? Embrace the time you are alone and working on you.
If your spouse is going to come back, they will.....but... leave them alone and in time, they will. But.
I really believe in my heart if they do.....it’s because YOU let them.
Believe me a year ago it was easier. My advice? Embrace the time you are alone and working on you.
If your spouse is going to come back, they will.....but... leave them alone and in time, they will. But.
I really believe in my heart if they do.....it’s because YOU let them.
Westo, I have really enjoyed reading your posts, this last one describing the complications of the return was really riveting. I was wondering about what you said here about "it's because YOU let them." Can you explain what you mean?
Last edited by Gerda; 08/02/1803:35 AM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
If I was closer I'd smack you for using such language young lady!
Originally Posted by Westo
Our son is absolutely ok, but D isn’t. I’m afraid I don’t think her and H’s relationship will ever be the same. It’s very upsetting for me, that in his company she is over excited and stumbles over her words, kind of babbling. , worrying if the GKids are making too much noise.
I'm super glad that your son is doing well. I know that there were some issues between him and your H about some of his life choices. Your D is walking on eggshells. That will be stressful for everyone. Is there any way you can take her aside and let her know that things are on the terms of those who didn't wander off to play with the faeries.
Just my tuppence.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hi Gerda, thank you for reading my thread. I don’t really know the answer to your question, I think what I mean is:
I always believed that H would want to come back. In my case, I witnessed him deteriorate over the course of exactly two years before bomb drop. So I knew that it wasn’t about me but about him.
I also believed that it would take a good two years for him to realise that and for the R with OW to fizzle out. I was lucky that he removed himself from social media, so my face wasn’t rubbed in anything. He moved to a town I don’t frequent so not much chance of me bumping into them. He never spouted hate to me either, I’ve been lucky compared to others on here.
So I made the choice long ago that I would accept him back, if he wanted. I learned from this site what NOT so say or do. I think if I hadn’t and had reacted like the old me, there was not a chance that he would have. The woman he knew would have called him all the names under the sun and never let him forget what he’s done.
I made the choice a long time ago and so altered my reaction and manner to make it easier for him to do so. I decided to be that lighthouse, because I knew that it was all down to me, to a great extent, whether he would return to the marriage or not.
. All they really need is a bit of actual sleep so that they can take their measurements so even if you are sure that you won't sleep well it still is fine.