Is It Too Late?

[WillD78]

Thanks, MMM. I do appreciate your take as a woman. I fully admit my role in this, and I have changed. It's been almost a year since BD, so if she doesn't yet believe the changes are real, then perhaps she never will.

I'll take a look at your sitch and see if I can add any perspective there.

Thanks, again.

[WillD78]

I spent a good part of the weekend GALing. After posting here on Friday, I decided to take a half day for myself. I did some shopping and prepared an elaborate dish for a neighborhood party we were attending on Friday evening. W and I used to like to experiment with cooking new foods, particularly ethnic dishes. I have decided to get back into that myself.

Spent some quality time on Saturday and Sunday with my girls. W went out on Saturday afternoon. She didn't say where she was going and I let my imagination run wild. Not a good idea. I didn't sit around the house and pout, though. I took our daughters shopping and visited some friends. While driving from place to place, I passed the OM from W's EA last fall. He was driving to his home. "So that's where W is," I thought. I turned the car around to see if she was going to be coming to our home at the same time. Like that would prove anything. She still wasn't home. I left again with the girls and when we returned W was back home. She could sense that I was tense and asked if something was wrong.

I probably should not have, but I asked her if she was seeing someone. She said no and that she's not in a mental state right now where she could even think about doing that. She said she had been cleaning her new place. She can only do it in small increments because it's so hard on her emotionally. I told her that seeing someone else right now before she moves out would not be OK. It was a civil conversation and I managed to not be emotional about it.

Sunday morning she told me, "At some point today, I'm going to go back over there and clean some more. Is there a time that works for you?" I responded that it doesn't really matter to me because I'm just going to hang with our kids. She said, "OK. Well, I just wanted to tell you so it's not weird when I leave. I hate talking about it, but I wanted you to know."

She hates talking about it, yet she continues to prepare her new home for a move. Does she realize that she is going to have to talk to me about this at some point BEFORE she leaves? We have co-parenting, finances, and property to figure out! And she will have to talk about it with our daughters. And her friends. And her family. Scrambled eggs, I guess.

I waffled throughout the weekend from despair and desperation, to thinking I'm over her and realizing I can get along without her, to wanting desperately to have her back in my arms. She also waffled. From leaving the house for hours to inviting me to go out to dinner on Sunday with her father, sister, and BIL. I also sense her moving closer to me in our bed, but this may very well be my mind playing tricks on me. What a crazy place limbo is.

I did a pretty good job GALing, in addition to the cooking, I spend some QT with the girls at our favorite diner and a water park, and met up with a friend for a beer. Baby steps. I'm trying my hardest not to give up, while also attempting to prepare myself for her to eventually leave.

[WillD78]

Oh, one other significant, or at least interesting bit from the weekend ... This may not make sense or be of any consequence, but it affected me:

As I mentioned above, I met a friend for a beer on Saturday. He and his W are our neighbors, probably our closest "couples friends," and the four of us and our families spend a lot of time together. When W BDed me last summer, he was my support. The only person I talked to. And my W talked to his W. It turns out that they had gone through similar M problems several years ago. Over the past year, I have talked to him on and off about my M and W. Whenever I would talk to him, his W would reach out to my W to make sure she was OK.

So, on Saturday night, W asks me if I talked to my friend about our MR and about the fact that she signed a lease on a new place. I tell her, honestly, that the topic did come up because he asked how we were doing, but he already knew about the lease, b/c I talked to him on the day W told me she signed the lease.

W said she thought it was "weird" because my friend's W used to always check in with my W after there was a development in our MR and I talked to my friend about it. But that hasn't happened lately. She seemed upset that it seems like her friend is letting her down. I really wanted to fix this. I wanted to tell W that she should reach out. Or that our friends don't understand what she is doing so they don't really know what to say to her. But I didn't. I listened. I validated.

I thought about telling my friend to tell his W to contact my W. But that's fixing again. I have just let it be, but I really feel bad for her. This is a result of her shutting everyone off from her emotionally. This is a consequence of the actions she is taking leaving our family and our home.

[WillD78]

W has spent two hours each of the past few nights cleaning her new place. I can't help but think that it must be a terrible dump if she has to spend so much time "cleaning." I have no reason not to believe that is what she is doing, but of course, I am suspicious. When she tells me she is going to clean, I simply say, "OK. See you later."

The weather here has been incredibly crummy since Sunday, making my outdoor GAL activities difficult. I do manage to stay busy with the kids and there was enough of a break in the rain for me to go on a jog yesterday -- the first time I have done that since early May, I would guess. W texts me occasionally while I am at work, mostly about the kids and she occasionally sends me a photo of their activities. When I get home from work she typically talks my ear off about her day with the girls. I assume she is just starved for adult interaction, so I do my best to listen.

Last week we learned the awful news that our friends' S3 has been diagnosed with cancer. It's treatable and the likelihood of full recovery is very high, but they have a long road ahead of them.

On Monday afternoon I get a text from W: "I wanted to tell you I got a text asking about [friends' S3]. I ignored it and deleted it. I don't think it's appropriate for me to respond and I wanted to tell you right away out of respect for us and our situation."

Me: "Was it from [OM]?"

W: "I'm assuming. I don't know the number and I didn't want to risk it in case it was and you saw it."

Me: "Thanks for telling me. He could have simply asked [our mutual friends]"

W: "That's why I didn't respond and ignored. I honestly don't know the number so I can't be sure. But I didn't like the situation so I did what my gut told me to do."

Me: "OK. Thanks for telling me."

I have so many questions about this interaction. "Out of respect for us and our situation"? What?!? Our situation is that W is preparing to move out and leave our MH. She is essentially saying we are over. So why does she now respect us and our situation?

Is this even really what happened? When she was carrying on her EA with OM through texts last summer and fall, they both had iPhones, so their texts went through iMessage and I couldn't see them on the phone bill. Occasionally a few would be sent via SMS and appear on the phone bill. Makes me wonder if they're back to texting and this happens to be one of those occasions where one slipped through on SMS. In my gut, I don't believe this is the case, but who knows?!

And if this is the truth, what kind of a low-life uses a three-year-old's cancer diagnosis as an opportunity to reconnect with an old flame? I hope she sees that for what it is.

Anyway, we never talked about this exchange again. But it has left me wondering.

[SteveLW]

Detachment.....you don't care. Her texting with OM, real or imagined, doesn't affect you emotionally. You are a duck, and the water rolls right off your back.

Work on your detachment. As long as you are so attached to what she says and does you will never evoke any changes in her. You still might not, but that is the beauty of detachment. Detachment might wake her up as she feels the loss of control. But if it doesn't, you are detached and don't care!

[WillD78]

Thanks for the reminder, Steve. You're right. I'm still a work in progress, but I'm getting there. This event didn't effect me the way it would have a month ago. I would have been angry and devastated. Today I'm more like, "hmmm."

[MMM12]

.

W said she thought it was "weird" because my friend's W used to always check in with my W after there was a development in our MR and I talked to my friend about it. But that hasn't happened lately. She seemed upset that it seems like her friend is letting her down. I really wanted to fix this. I wanted to tell W that she should reach out. Or that our friends don't understand what she is doing so they don't really know what to say to her. But I didn't. I listened. I validated.

I thought about telling my friend to tell his W to contact my W. But that's fixing again. I have just let it be, but I really feel bad for her. This is a result of her shutting everyone off from her emotionally. This is a consequence of the actions she is taking leaving our family and our home.

I think this was really good. I'm a fixer too. Glad you didn't try to fix this for her.

[MMM12]

W has spent two hours each of the past few nights cleaning her new place. I can't help but think that it must be a terrible dump if she has to spend so much time "cleaning." I have no reason not to believe that is what she is doing, but of course, I am suspicious. When she tells me she is going to clean, I simply say, "OK. See you later."

The weather here has been incredibly crummy since Sunday, making my outdoor GAL activities difficult. I do manage to stay busy with the kids and there was enough of a break in the rain for me to go on a jog yesterday -- the first time I have done that since early May, I would guess. W texts me occasionally while I am at work, mostly about the kids and she occasionally sends me a photo of their activities. When I get home from work she typically talks my ear off about her day with the girls. I assume she is just starved for adult interaction, so I do my best to listen.

Last week we learned the awful news that our friends' S3 has been diagnosed with cancer. It's treatable and the likelihood of full recovery is very high, but they have a long road ahead of them.

On Monday afternoon I get a text from W: "I wanted to tell you I got a text asking about [friends' S3]. I ignored it and deleted it. I don't think it's appropriate for me to respond and I wanted to tell you right away out of respect for us and our situation."

Me: "Was it from [OM]?"

W: "I'm assuming. I don't know the number and I didn't want to risk it in case it was and you saw it."

Me: "Thanks for telling me. He could have simply asked [our mutual friends]"

W: "That's why I didn't respond and ignored. I honestly don't know the number so I can't be sure. But I didn't like the situation so I did what my gut told me to do."

Me: "OK. Thanks for telling me."

I have so many questions about this interaction. "Out of respect for us and our situation"? What?!? Our situation is that W is preparing to move out and leave our MH. She is essentially saying we are over. So why does she now respect us and our situation?

Is this even really what happened? When she was carrying on her EA with OM through texts last summer and fall, they both had iPhones, so their texts went through iMessage and I couldn't see them on the phone bill. Occasionally a few would be sent via SMS and appear on the phone bill. Makes me wonder if they're back to texting and this happens to be one of those occasions where one slipped through on SMS. In my gut, I don't believe this is the case, but who knows?!

And if this is the truth, what kind of a low-life uses a three-year-old's cancer diagnosis as an opportunity to reconnect with an old flame? I hope she sees that for what it is.

Anyway, we never talked about this exchange again. But it has left me wondering.

It's great that she told you this, even if it isn't true. Seems like she has been listening to what you want right now.

[MMM12]

Detachment.....you don't care. Her texting with OM, real or imagined, doesn't affect you emotionally. You are a duck, and the water rolls right off your back.

Work on your detachment. As long as you are so attached to what she says and does you will never evoke any changes in her. You still might not, but that is the beauty of detachment. Detachment might wake her up as she feels the loss of control. But if it doesn't, you are detached and don't care!

I'm saving this for later. Such a great reminder on detaching. My IC said yesterday that you can't detach until you actually feel detached. I'm really working on this to.

WILLD- try not to think about everything she says and what it means. It seems to continue to make us feel "stuck".

[sandi2]

On Monday afternoon I get a text from W: "I wanted to tell you I got a text asking about [friends' S3]. I ignored it and deleted it. I don't think it's appropriate for me to respond and I wanted to tell you right away out of respect for us and our situation."

Me: "Was it from [OM]?"

W: "I'm assuming. I don't know the number and I didn't want to risk it in case it was and you saw it."

Me: "Thanks for telling me. He could have simply asked [our mutual friends]"

W: "That's why I didn't respond and ignored. I honestly don't know the number so I can't be sure. But I didn't like the situation so I did what my gut told me to do."

Me: "OK. Thanks for telling me."

I have so many questions about this interaction. "Out of respect for us and our situation"? What?!? Our situation is that W is preparing to move out and leave our MH. She is essentially saying we are over. So why does she now respect us and our situation?

It's a setup. Do not buy into one word of it. She is conditioning you for something that's coming.