Not sure DB is working? AnotherStander help!

[Jlh]

My last post thread was over 100 so I started a new one if that's alright.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2785958#Post2785958

So all of July H was becoming more open and friendlier, even standing at the steps watching a few minutes of TV and commenting on it and starting conversations. I got a job and I didn't tell him at first since I was DBing. Its not huge pay but its tutoring and I love it. After I told him I got a job and how I love it, the next day he told me that he was going to start the paperwork for D. He just wanted to let me know so I wasn't shocked. I called him that night and kind of let him have it and cried. I know it's not the DB thing to do but I told him that I loved him, this isn't my H, etc. I know it wasn't the best thing to say to him but he just kept saying he was sorry. He says he's hoping that we can be friends and laugh and talk again. I had mentioned that I miss laughing and talking with him. I asked how that's possible after all of this. He also apologized for his mixed signals saying that hes just trying to do whats right in a bad situation that he caused. He says that he is a bad husband and probably a bad father.

Our mutual friend is worried for us both and called him this morning asking what is going on. He told her that he doesn't like feeling like he needs to leave the house and wishes he didn't. He told her some complaints like "I don't get him." "We never did anything over the weekend" "I don't like his mom" etc. He also told her that he thought at first maybe he was having a midlife crisis but realizes that he is just unhappy. She said he did not sound like my H whom ever all know and love at all and he sounds like a zombie.

She asked him about if he ever told me this stuff and he said no. She said that she knows I'm going to therapy and if he had ever thought about it. He told her that he agreed to go the one time I mentioned it was for me.

Later when he picked up our son for the night, I saw that I took a bunch of our photos down from the walls and he had another sad look. As they were leaving, I mentioned the therapy session I have tomorrow and asked if he'd still want to go with me like we talked about and he just had a blank face and looked upset. He left pretty quick. I know I freaked him out. I screwed everything up for DB.

Later he texted me and said hes not going with me to the session because he feels pressured to go and he feels it would give me false hope. I told him that I wasn't trying to trick him or anything I just figured that him being there telling me about leaving could help me process it better if my therapist was there to help me see something I'm not.

I basically then told him what I wanted to tell him at the session about how I pushed him aside for our son when he was born and it hurt him and I apologize and I wish we could have communicated our concerns more. Also how he was always kind to my mom and family but I was a little bratty with his mom and it hurt him as well and I understand his upset now.

I mentioned that I respect his wishes to separate and that I just miss laughing and talking with him and then hugs and how he was also pretty fun in bed.

I know I screwed up the DB, but he gets so defensive about therapy and talking about feelings. I just don't understand how he is apparently upset that he feels like he has to leave us and says that he wants us to laugh and talk again and be friends again like we were. I just don't get it, can someone help me understand this? Is this still part of his midlife/grief issues from his passed on brother and father and stress? How can a person leave and then say they basically hate the feeling and then wants to be friendly and happy and talk and laugh again, and also be upset when he sees that I took down some more pictures.

[SteveLW]

First, your thread title is not correct. Because you are right you haven't been DBing. I see nothing in your post that is anywhere close to detachment, GAL, and 180ing. I see impulse, I see emotion. Pretty much the opposite of detachment, GAL, and 180s.

Second, you are trying to make sense of the senseless. There are no explanations for why a person go back on their vows, vows they took for a lifetime, and breaks the hearts of not only the one they pledged their love to, but so many others that are on the periphery of that relationship.

MLCs are no excuse. Many men go through MLCs and do not leave their wife and kids. Losing a father and a brother are no excuse. Many have lost parents and siblings and not left their wife and kids.

Jlh, your husband told you something very important. He said he "felt pressure". WASs recoil from pressure. They flee from pursuit. Especially when they catch themselves have a weak moment.

For instance, your husband sees that pictures have been taken down. It hurts him. He takes a step TOWARDS the MR as result. But then you invite him to therapy. PRESSURE. He takes 3 steps back from the MR.

The classic mistake the DBing LBS makes is to take a positive, and use it as an excuse to pressure and pursue. DBing requires patience and consistency. The worst thing you can do is get impatient and drop the consistency. Or to see a positive and think pursuit and/or pressure can suddenly work. CONSISTENCY.

You tell him you got a job. He tells you that he is moving forward with the paperwork for the D. You let it run off your back like water off a duck. DETACHMENT. He comes to pick up your son for the night. You see him sad about pictures coming down. More water off the duck. Instead of mentioning therapy you are dressed to the nines. You are wearing perfume. Your make-up is done. If he asks you are going out. GAL!! He texts you with information. Not a question! YOu don't respond. 180! He texts you with a question. You answer in as few words as it takes. Even if it is just yes or no. 180!!

Detach. GAL. 180. If you aren't doing that then you aren't DBing. It isn't that DB isn't working, it is jlh isn't DBing.

[Jlh]

You're right Steve85, I really screwed up. I was doing so well for a while detaching and taking care of me and he started to open up an bit, I got cocky and emotional thinking, "this is it! He's coming back slowly!" and I lost my skills I was learning with DB.

Thank you for helping me see what I did wrong, I've felt like I've been going nuts the last few days when while I was detaching and doing well. I just can't help feeling bad for his sad face, I'm a sucker and need to focus and let it roll off my back. HE did this to us, HE's the one acting senseless. I can only take care of me and our boy during this crazy time.

[SteveLW]

jlh, we've all been there. We get a slightly positive response and we are ready to swoop in with the pursuit and pressure.

But you've got this. He will either come around. Or he won't. But you will be okay either way!

[Jlh]

I know how to GAL because I've been working on me; I got a job, passed a few certifications for the job, etc. I'm just not sure on the 180 and distance. The distance is hard for me because we see each other often because of our son and I never know how to act.

The 180 is just plain confusing, does that mean since I've been stepping on eggshells around him for fear of scaring him off, I just act casual and ignore his puppy faces and mixed signals and stop being so friendly and accommodating to him? It's seems like when I kind of just act like hes a neighbor coming by and focus on my while hes here he starts to get curious but then I always screw it up but caving and seeing his smiles and then start to focus on him again.

I don't want to be mean or rude, but I have a hard time with just keeping conversations casual and not saying much to him when hes at the house.

[LoneWlf]

I don't want to be mean or rude, but I have a hard time with just keeping conversations casual and not saying much to him when hes at the house.
Jlh- Nothing comes easy the first time around. You have to be mindful of the situation and then practice. Fake it till you make it as they say here. Over time you will realize certain situations and triggers that will get you thinking and it will become more habit over time. Just try to keep all communications brief and firm and friendly - just continue to be upbeat! good luck on your journey!

[SteveLW]

LoneWlf nailed it. My only add is to revisit the detachment thread often. If your detachment is mean or rude then you are doing it wrong.

[Jlh]

Oh ok, thank you both so much! I try to just smile and say ok when he does things like asking to take a box from the house (not sure why he asks unless its to get a rise out of me) but I end up being sad. I'm trying to work more on being casual about it instead of getting teary eyed in front of him.

Oh and when he calls to say goodnight to our son, we always end up chatting a little about various things before we hang up so I'm not going to be doing that anymore for a long time.

[arsh18]

Fake it until you can make it Jlh. It helps, none of us can master DB and for a lot of us it takes months post BD, there is no short cut. Initially when I was riling up but did not want to respond I started off by biting my tongue and responded with bare minimum words. At least it wont make matters worse IMO. This is the hardest thing for most of us in our lives, but we have decided to save the MR to our best abilities, if not at least save ourselves and improve who we are, so this is all a choice. It takes strength and patience. Good luck - Arshi

[ovrrnbw]

Oh ok, thank you both so much! I try to just smile and say ok when he does things like asking to take a box from the house (not sure why he asks unless its to get a rise out of me) but I end up being sad. I'm trying to work more on being casual about it instead of getting teary eyed in front of him.

Oh and when he calls to say goodnight to our son, we always end up chatting a little about various things before we hang up so I'm not going to be doing that anymore for a long time.

Good idea and ending the excessive chatting. My priest reminded me that you don't have much to chat about until they are ready to work on it.

They don't ever miss you if they still get the little fix they want, when they want it and you keep giving it to them.