Travels through La Mancha

[job]

Andrew,

I have walked this path w/you from the very beginning of your posting on the MLC Forum. The Flower Lady is a far better fit and I agree w/exquisitetobe on this.

As for the tipsy lady....RUN, RUN, RUN as fast as you can! Too many red flags and I have found that when tipsy, the truth tends to come out a bit more because they do not know how to keep their lips sealed over things. RUN!

You deserve someone who is kind, compassionate and is gentle w/her comments. This woman was very critical about a lot of things and that's a red flag for me...no need to be that way when speaking to someone in their own home, even if they are tipsy doodle.

[kml]

True - I hate wallpaper with a passion but would never complain about someone else's wallpaper choices.

[JujuB]

She is only 8 months post BD? If so, that is not a lot of time. Could it be that you guys are bonding due to sharing trauma? I get it. I did the same. But i am realizing that its not healthy to go beyond a friendship.

[AndrewP]

Thanks everyone.

I appreciate that you are all seeing similar danger flags to what I did. I did message her yesterday suggesting that we could meet up next Monday when I'm in her general geography which she hasn't read as of yet. I'm not going to press. If she's expecting to be pursued that's not going to happen. And contrary to popular opinion as I've read here a few times, not all men like having to be the pursuer.

To quote a friend of mine - "why are the hot ones the crazy ones?"

I remember clearly after bomb-day the need for affirmation which perhaps is something that she seeks. I'm also a reasonably good fit with at least her son who also has a thing for bow ties and good tailoring. Her daughter is almost independent and oddly she doesn't really talk about her daughter much. I didn't even know she had one until perhaps 6 months ago.

One challenge is that it's been made plain to me that the SIL army all think that this is a fabulous match for me and perhaps a "done deal". But I live my life for myself and not for them.

She is a very attractive and outgoing woman with an extensive social network. She is still working on processing a lot of things related to her situation and has a long way to go on that. I think she's being a bit naive about her divorce process as she seems to expect the status quo to continue indefinitely. I think that the spending spree that she is on right now with trips and home renovations will awake a monster as soon as he starts building his own new life. That monster would also probably be awoken if she starts seeing someone - say perhaps - me.

It does though make me feel good to have this smart, witty and beautiful woman seemingly interested in little old me. Even though I am generally pretty good with who I am, especially when I was married I never really felt "attractive". My ex never complimented me and would more often cut me down. She did have a charming smile but objectively was more a "4" compared to tipsy lady as a good solid 7 or even perhaps 8.

As reluctant as it makes me I do think that the wisest course is to keep this at friendly.

As far as the lady at the flower shop goes - well - that story has yet to be written. I'm in a very different place than I was a year and a half ago when I asked her out. She said yes at that time but then backed off from it. Without knowing for sure, the age gap is indeed fairly significant. Perhaps as much as 20 years - I'm a horrible judge of woman's ages. She does know how old I am though.

Busy day yesterday. First day of "vacation". The quotes are because I also had to respond to a number of work issues. Despite intermittent heavy rain I got some exterior painting done, repaired two window sills and got the screen door back on the balcony. I also did some scrubbing of some rather filthy windows which involved disassembling the frames to get at the bits that can't be reached otherwise. A job that has needed to be done for probably 5 years that took only an hour or so.

Today's plan is to head out to the local farmer's market after lunch to get some fresh veg and perhaps baking and make a pot of chili for dinner and the freezer. S23 doesn't care for chili.

Tomorrow I have a friend coming up for lunch and a visit. Thursday there's a networking event in the evening that I hope to attend. It's invitation only and a friend gave me his invite. I've contacted the organizers to see if I can get in.

It's annoying that my abbreviated time off (was supposed to have been 2 1/2 weeks off - but now only 1) coincides with the only rain we've received in months. But it is what it is. I have lots to do inside and also don't mind getting rained on.

[doodler]

I also did some scrubbing of some rather filthy windows which involved disassembling the frames to get at the bits that can't be reached otherwise.

Whew! The first time I read that sentence, I read "windows" as "widows."

[Rose888]

My impression of your romantic life is that you seem to be attracted to two types of women: women your own age who pursue you and lean toward the controlling/entitled type, and women much younger than you with whom you seem to take a paternalistic/fatherly position.

What I'd like to see you find is a woman your own age who is ready for a healthy, mutually supportive relationship in which both of you still retain differentiation. No princess. No father figure. Just two equals who don't need each other but who choose to be together.

Are there any women in that category on your radar? That's where I'd put the focus.

[doodler]

What I'd like to see you find is a woman your own age who is ready for a healthy, mutually supportive relationship in which both of you still retain differentiation. No princess. No father figure. Just two equals who don't need each other but who choose to be together.

That's great advice! Of course, I think Andrew has a much deeper problem; he seems to have an affinity for Canadian women. It's probably due to childhood trauma or something like that.

[AndrewP]

Had a nice lunch with some good friends who went out of their way today to see me. Managed to get my grass cut and flower beds weeded this afternoon as for some inexplicable reason it stopped raining at least for now.

This afternoon I had to message the person who I'm uncomfortable calling "tipsy lady" that Monday won't work and that we'll have to reschedule. I found out this morning that I have a series of "must attend" meetings scheduled through much of next week in my Mississauga office. It was interesting because the advice I got from my friends today was that if I want to change horses and move to the buy-out company that I should demonstrate how I am strong on processes. And the suddenly arranged meetings with their mid management types are about - process.

As far as finding women to date - I understand that doodler might know of some filthy widows? Must be Canadian. You wouldn't "believe" the paperwork I'd have to do otherwise. And in both English and French. And the bulk of the French that I know is a combination of swear words and talking about hard-rock mining.

A Real Canadian Girl

She loves the way it feels, driving snowmobiles
And laughing at her dates when they don't know how to skate
She knows her hockey games and the players of the world
She's an all Acandian, northern lady
An Real Canadian Girl

She's from the Miramichi by the old Atlantic Sea
But like the rolling tides she travels far and wide
So fond of the great outdoors with a glowing heart a twirl
She's an all Acandian, northern lady
An Real Canadian Girl

She's a real Canadian Girl, a real Canadian Girl
She's an all Acandian, northern lady
An real Canadian Girl

She'll brave the Yukon nights and dance to the northern lights
Then she's off to ski in the mountains of bc
In the summer she'll play ball
In the winter time she'll curl
She's an all Acandian, northern lady
An Real Canadian Girl

From the river of Saint John to the old Saskatchewan
Up along the Caribou she'll paddle her canoe
She loves the bears and birds and every little squirrel
She's an all Acandian, northern lady
An Real Canadian Girl

She's a Real Canadian Girl, a real Canadian Girl
She's an all Acandian, northern lady
An a Real Canadian Girl

Now when you see her play she'll take yer breath away
Bathing in the sun or swimming just for fun
And if some lucky guy should land this presious pearl
She's an all Acandian, northern lady
An a Real Canadian Girl

She loves the way it feels driving snowmobiles
And laughing at her dates when they don't know how to skate
She knows her hockey games and the players of the world
She's an all Acandian, northern lady
An a Real Canadian Girl

She's a real Canadian Girl, a real Canadian Girl
She's an all Acandian, northern lady
An a Real Canadian Girl

[AndrewP]

I wanted to also touch on trust. It's not explicitly mentioned in your post JujuB - bit it is implied especially around gas-lighting. My default position is to trust. I know that people aren't trustworthy. It used to annoy me that I felt that I was "obliged" to trust my ex when she would promise to do some task or other knowing full well that it wouldn't get done. I accepted the regular lies about all sorts of (usually small) things as just the way she was.

I make an effort to show myself to be trustworthy - seeming silly on that. I for example have no issue and will just hand over my phone to someone else, especially if it is a lady who I am interested in. Things I don't want them to see - bank accounts and such-like are under another layer of security but if asked I would - if the reasons were valid certainly show that. Another example is the lady that I've recently started to get to know a bit. She was having a bad day and so I gave her my contact info and said that she was welcome to call if she needed to talk. I didn't ask for her's.

And yes - dodges 2X4 - I am still cautiously exploring things with tipsy lady who it feels like has backed off from her seemingly hot pursuit. I think I'm going to start calling her Church Lady / CL (and yes - I know of the SNL character). She's a very devoted member of an obscure branch of the Catholic Church which has a congregation the next town over. I looked it up to see if they did animal sacrifices and what-not. Nope - just the usual stand up, sit down, take a shot, sing a few songs sort of place.

I just wanted to explore the concept of trust and myself a bit if I may. More entrail gazing.

I was thinking about CL and the risks that she took this past weekend. A man that she had only met briefly once two years prior before drives her miles in the darkness to a place she's never been before. She claimed that what she had to drink hadn't affected her but I didn't believe it. She has no obvious exit strategy. She did snoop in my glove-box and probably a bit around the bathroom and such. I expect that she had texted a friend about what was happening - various texts were sent throughout the night. But still - the risk she took. My halo must have been glowing in the dark.

For me - if I think on it - I don't trust anyone. And haven't really for a very very long time. I didn't trust my ex. The outright lies, the fact that so often she would promise to do something and then not do it. I don't trust my co-workers. Some of them are very much looking out for their own self-interest. I have a number of very good friends - but I don't rely on them for things and am unsurprised when at times plans that I've made with them fall through. A couple of them, people who helped lift me up when I had fallen down in the darkest times, one of them I would never do a business deal with and the other I would count my fingers after shaking his hand on something where he had a large self-interest.

A good example is my recent episode with the roofing contractor. I remember looking him carefully in the eye and realizing that he probably wasn't fully reliable but agreeing to book him anyway. The job took longer and wasn't as well done as I had hoped but you know - that didn't upset me. Small potatoes so to speak. My roof eventually got done. It's an adequate job.

Is this a barrier to me forming a new relationship? Is this why much to the shock (and in some cases annoyance) of a great many people I don't even have a steady relationship with a new woman much less a new partner? I really don't know the answer to that question and have never explored it from that point of view before. Input would be welcome.

Even if my ex had magically realized what she had done and come back weeping, wailing and confessing when I was still prepared to take her back - I wouldn't have trusted her. But I would have accepted her and that.

Let's paint a scenario. Suppose that Vanilla decides that I'm her one twu wuv, hunts me down IRL and starts calling and texting me at all hours. Comments are made that she adores the idea of small villages in the frozen wastelands of Upper Middle Kanukistan along with old houses with crappy wallpaper and that middle-aged grey haired men with a few extra pounds, a quantity of back hair and a complete inability to dance are what she's dreamt about her entire life.

This scenario is not as outrageous as it may seem. I've heard of similar ones and TBH experienced similar things myself. My ex was very much one who painted me as the perfect man for her and did for years - with a mix of talking me down.

Now - I am very fond of Lady V - but unless she showed up on my doorstep with a suitcase I wouldn't believe her words. And even then would be worried about being taken advantage of and for a potential discard (I really can't dance that well - not even white guy dancing - been hoping to take lessons one day).

Taking that next step - the really really big one - of actually actively dating terrifies me. People are not things to me. I can't use them to make myself feel better. I can accept that there may be a certain number of frogs that will need to be kissed. I also know that I will never find someone who is my "perfect match". I'd be mighty suspicious of anyone that appeared to be in fact. I'm a slow learner but I do learn.

Ah well - enough of this for now. I'd appreciate input. My vacation is currently shot. Combination of bad weather and issues with the corporate buy-out dragging me back in to deal with office things - grumble - grumble grumble.

Oh - and V? I hope you like cats. Just give me advance notice and I'll hunt down the spare linens that I believe are in S23's room and make up a cot for you.

[AndrewP]

Just a secondary thought to drop before I get back to my housework (vacation time fun!)

If we take it as a fact that CL may have had some sort of fantasy EA about me through all the trauma that she's gone through that might suggest that what happened on the weekend was an over-reaction and a release of a lot that has been pent up for a long time. I'm rather flattered and TBH a bit embarrassed that this might have been the case. I've never given it any thought at all though despite the obvious until Vanilla pointed that out to me so clearly.

I presume that the fantasy AndrewP and the real one are similar but very likely not the same. But, after at least 6 months if not more thinking about it, she and he are finally on the same piece of property. She's set aside other plans, left her son in the care of her mother. Driven for well over an hour to the middle of absolute no-where officially to spend time with her step-mother and her family. AndrewP is kind, polite, social. He opens car doors for her, lights her cigarette. He's available and obviously likes CL as a person. He doesn't judge even on things that might have been a problem for her husband.

All the dreams, all the fantasies pour out lubricated by several drinks. Sparklers start going off (yes we had sparklers). Various episodes of very close proximity happen but AndrewP doesn't lean in, but neither does he run away.

The next day, she sees that AndrewP is a real person. Makes decent pancakes. Doesn't mind that she thinks his wallpaper is ugly. Didn't in any way do anything inappropriate but was clear that he had been happy to spend time with her and that he looked forward to doing it again. He's interested in her kids (they seem pretty cool). He doesn't try to dominate or control her. Listens. Answers thoughtfully. Doesn't commit to anything and while not rejecting her fantasy he doesn't build it up.

I think that many of us know very very well the feelings of being unloved and unlovable that happen when a marriage breaks down.

I sort of get the feeling that now that she knows that she is attractive and interesting to someone that she's probably going to be living her life a bit more with her head held a bit higher. For the reasons I posted above and others, I'm not going to go into full pursuit. The tone of the second day we spent together and subsequent messages have had a much much calmer note.

With that said, I'm still planning on trying to get out for another walk with the nice lady that I work with with whom there may soon no longer be a conflict of interest in dating. Still be friendly with the lady at the flower shop. There were two tellers at the bank who I had been flirting with and one of them last week had switched back to my branch after a lengthy absence. We were very happy to see each other.

The world perhaps is my oyster. I've never tried oysters.

Well - time to empty the fridge and give it a good scrubbing. And yes he "is" single