I met my wife in 1992 when she lived downstairs from me. We hit it off almost immediately and began a sexual and emotional relationship that we both still believe was true love although I had to end it a year later when my personal problems caught up with me and I had a breakdown that seemed like it might last for a long time. The problems I had then have plagued me until very recently when I finally discovered in a chemical dependency treatment center the horrible beliefs in my unconscious from severe childhood trauma growing up in a religious cult. Unfortunately, by the time I had my miraculous turnaround and returned home, my wife had given up on our marriage and started a very passionate, ongoing affair with a similarly disillusioned man she knew in high school and had recently reconnected with. There affair began only weeks after my wife became despondent in a marriage counseling session and began detaching from me and our marriage to find herself and decide what her future should look like. Given the depth of her feelings for this man, it is hard not to worry about how quickly she detached from me and attached herself to someone she barely knows. She has been avoiding contact with anyone that knows us both and our son except for her friends that have recently or are currently going through horrible divorces. She has been seeking out old friends from 30 years ago, who have no idea who she is now and have never met me or our son. She has created a perfect echo chamber. I have yet to hear that anyone is arguing for saving our marriage other than myself. In 2001, after being apart without communication for about 6 years, she called me and wanted to meet to catch up. I experienced again the elation and joy I had felt 8 years previously. We clicked immediately and were married 2 years later. We had our son in 2005. There were a few issues early on that would later turn into very large issues, but we were happy and very much in love for at least 8 years. That is when I foolishly decided I could drink again like normal people after being sober, but without any knowledge of alcoholism, for 8 years. This period of declining health and unhappiness lasted for 2 years. When I sobered up, my wife and I had some very meaningful conversations about our relationship and what the future held. We were happy for a time, but my wife began drinking quite heavily for reasons that now escape me. The fact that I was trying to stay sober and told her repeatedly how much damage this was doing to our marriage went unheeded. To this day my wife has trouble acknowledging that it was a problem. We have always focused on my drinking even though hers has been quite toxic, including up to a few months ago, and mine has lasted a total of perhaps a month in the last 7 years. The next few years had ups and downs, including a lot of passion and heartache. About 4 years ago I had a midlife crisis during which I questioned everything, including myself, my wife, our marriage, our family, and briefly considered taking my needs outside the marriage. I did not succumb to this temptation and really felt like I got over this period. By this time, our inability to communicate effectively, our childhood issues, and the fact that our particular problems fit together so well created a perfect storm of codependency and misunderstanding. We both had strong tendencies to explode with emotions at each other, hear all the wrong things in our reactions, and withdraw in pain and anger. She has been very open about her disappointment with my conduct during the last few years and has hinted that she is aware of some of her own issues, including a very dysfunctional family that she has always felt does not appreciate or respect her. She has also recently become aware of her strong tendencies as a fixer and enabler, which drove her to despair as I continued to fall short of her expectations. Love was able to pull us through up until about a year ago. I had a relapse which I now understand from later events is triggered when my primary addiction, my wife’s love, becomes absent or withheld. We entered individual counseling and marriage counseling with the hope that solving our particular problems and then coming together to rejuvenate our marriage was a good last ditch effort. My own therapy was achieving some success, but without resolving the unknown childhood trauma, did not produce dramatic or lasting results, just like every other therapy I had tried. My wife’s therapy focused first on her family and then on her personal aspirations and how to achieve them. Unfortunately, it seems escaping our marriage was a key component of that plan. Just when we had decided to stop talking about our individual achievements and feelings and start working on our marriage, a series of events occurred that looking back seem very minor but tragically important. I answered a single question in a session with an answer that my wife found unsatisfactory and apparently she immediately decided that our lives were heading in different directions. She began her detachment and self actualization quest very soon after. Her decision was deemed justified when I failed to reschedule a session while she was away on one of her many recent trips. We have since discovered that this was simply a misunderstanding, but it is far too late now. I had a health scare during this time that rendered me very weak, unmotivated, and without good control of my bowels. This prevented me from having sex with my wife. This was the final straw for her considering the frequency had been declining for some time due to my chronic pain and sexual dysfunction, which we only now understand is due in large part to the childhood trauma. Her detachment and my inability to recognize what was happening caused me to lose all hope for us and I began drinking heavily to numb the pain of loss and regret. This only lasted about 3 weeks before I bottomed out and confronted her wanting to know what was going on. She said she felt that there was very little left between us. She has conveniently forgotten my many attempts to communicate with her recently. I wound up in a treatment center a few days later. It has come to light recently that her primary complaint is that I did not provide enough stability and was not an equal partner in our marriage. This was especially hurtful during a recent period of unemployment where she felt pressured to not only provide for us financially, but carry the burden of maintaining peace and emotional support at home. This period did not last long but recent events have carried far more weight than in the past. One of the very first issues in our relationship, beginning before I even moved in with her, was my unemployment at the time. Even though I have provided a comfortable living for us, this issue has been blown out of all proportion, especially during a difficult time I had at a very unethical, soul-crushing company. In summary of these issues, she has characterized me as “not a strong person” and unable to get passed my admittedly numerous and crippling personal issues in order to properly provide more than just a good salary and insurance. Especially damaging was my inability to provide emotional support to the extent required for her strong feelings and her realization that she could not count on me to support and comfort her during difficult times.
In the six weeks since the treatment center my entire life as turned around. Some of the things rapidly improving are my self-image, self-esteem, confidence, strength of character, understanding of marriage and the role of sex in it, and understanding of how much of my thinking and emotions were driven by unconscious, unhealthy beliefs. I have improved leaps and bounds as a man, father and husband, which my wife acknowledges and appreciates, but her stated position for at least 2 months now is that she has fallen out of love with me, does not want to work on our marriage, does not want me to live at home for at least a few months, and has only the faintest glimmer of hope that our marriage can be resuscitated. We have very little contact or communication except some family time with our son. Conveniently, I am currently living in a sober house that the treatment center recommended as part of an aftercare program. Whether I ever move home again is very much under question, although we have discussed some unorthodox living arrangements as an attempt to provide a stable environment for our son during the next few critical years of his life. They all sound very unappealing to me as they do not include any physical relationship and emphasize limited contact between my wife and I. We are perfectly capable of being quite happy around each other as long as we don’t talk about our marriage, the future, or her lover. For the month or so between getting out of treatment to yesterday, I have been doing almost everything wrong according to some very good books on the subject. I have been extraordinarily emotional, probably due to having repressed so many of them until quite recently. I have been feeling overwhelming love and compassion for my wife, experiencing intense pain at the things she has said and done, almost immediately followed by a profound empathy, understanding, and acceptance. All I want to do now is to support her through this crisis, but she is unable to trust my motivations. She is unable to believe most of what I’ve been trying to communicate to her. I thought it was simply unwillingness to let her guard down, but it now seems quite consistent with someone in what seems to them as an emotionally supportive, sexually dynamic, uncomplicated new romance that is part of some bigger vision of her independent future. My wife is a wonderful person, someone that impresses and brings joy to every person she meets. Her heart has been open to me for 26 years and so recently guarded that I can’t help but put faith in her ability to fall right back in love with me if she only wanted to. She has said that she still loves me, cares for me, does not want to hurt me, values our friendship and always wants me in her life but that she has exhausted all efforts and motivation at saving our marriage. I am so confused about what things I should accept and what things I should defend. She says she appreciates everything I’m doing for her with such patience and grace. She has revealed that she feels tremendous guilt about breaking up our family. It is very unclear what I’m doing that pushes her away and what I’m doing that supports her and provides some sense of safety and security. So much of this reminds me of my own difficulty at this exact age and in very similar circumstances. Sharing that with her and how I got through it does not fit with her idea about what is happening to her. There are many signs to suggest that she has made up her mind, perhaps months ago, and is just trying to figure out how to end it. Now that I know about the affair, it is hard not to think that she now views our situation as hopeless, despite my efforts to comfort her and tell her that everything is going to be OK. I don’t want her to feel so hopeless, but nothing I have said or done seems to have done much to encourage her about the potential for our marriage and our family to work through this to have the best relationship of our lives so far, especially given our recent progress individually. Unfortunately, mine have been toward a healthier, happier family and hers have been away from it. I have been using this time to improve myself and my relationship with our son. I am actively involved in my recovery and my therapy, improving every other part of my life that I can. She is proud of my accomplishments thus far. Everything she says and does with me reminds me of how she is with her friends. She has lost or is hiding very well any feelings she has for me as husband and partner. Every day that goes by feels like further damage to our chances. She is adamant that all she needs right now is time and space to figure things out, but that if pressed she is ready for a mediated divorce. She recently estimated our chance of a future reconciliation at 1%. Until a few days ago, she continued to insist that she has not broken our marriage vows, has not cheated on me, doesn’t want to hurt me, and just needs some time to figure some things out. I wish I still believed that. Now that the affair is out in the open, my hope is that it will fizzle and die so that she might be able to think more clearly. I’ve been doing everything I can think of to reassure her and comfort her. This has been very much appreciated, but not what she wants or needs right now. She said recently that she doesn’t expect me to wait for her, to accept her, or to support her. I can’t tell from day to day what is strength and what is weakness. What must I do for myself and what can I do as her husband, friend, companion, and love of her life? They don’t feel like contradictory goals. I certainly don’t want my son to grow up in a house where his parents never kiss, never hold each other tenderly, do not share the same bed, never want time to themselves, and can’t be honest with each other. All of my wife’s ideas about the difference between marriage and family and how our ours might look going forward seem to almost guarantee that my son will grow up with horrible ideas about men, women, love, marriage, commitment, sexuality, and many other aspects of adult relationships. A recent conversation we had ranged across many extreme versions of staying married but living separate lives. The only path forward after that would be a completely new relationship bearing little resemblance to our previous 17 years. My wife and I have changed so much recently. She is in no doubt that hers are permanent and mine are very much suspect, despite both being so new. Comparisons of time mean very little to her. When we discuss our past, the amount of time that she has been unhappy keeps getting longer. It currently seems as if the last two years have been a mortal blow to our family, but that the sickness started long ago. She is now requesting that we deal with practical matters in preparation for divorce. I read somewhere recently that women now start two thirds of all divorces in the U.S. and that they are finalized not because of the original decision but because of the panicked reaction of their husbands which seem to solidify their thinking. Starting today I will limit all contact with my wife to the absolute minimum required to care for our son.
Me: 48, Her: 45 Son: 13 Married 15, Together 17 Affair started: 4/1/2018 ILYBINILWY: 6/4/2018 Affair confirmed: 7/15/2018 Detachment started: 7/20/2018 Divorce first seriously discussed: 8/3/2018
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I will read the rest of your sitch later, I got started on it but don't have time now. However I did want to caution one thing. You used the word "detaching" for you wife's actions after her despondency during a MC session. Please be careful with that terminology.
It sounds like she UNPLUGGED from the MR at that point. There is a HUGE difference between detaching and unplugging. Detachment gets misunderstood a lot on this site, and you are going to get a lot of advance to detach. Please do not confuse that with unplugging, checking out, or going dark. It is very different than those things.
More later...........
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks so much for the replies. I will check out the difference between unplugging and detaching. I have pretty much given up and am trying to have as little contact with her as possible and just focus on time with my son. I don't remember now if I put this in the original post, but she actually thinks she might be in love with this goober she is having an affair with. After 3 months! Hard to believe for someone who was supposed to be finding herself and being independent.
Me: 48, Her: 45 Son: 13 Married 15, Together 17 Affair started: 4/1/2018 ILYBINILWY: 6/4/2018 Affair confirmed: 7/15/2018 Detachment started: 7/20/2018 Divorce first seriously discussed: 8/3/2018
I read a lot when I'm trying to understand something. I've been reading about marriage crises, abandonment issues, midlife crises, childhood trauma, codependency, shame, infidelity and as many other feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that I've been able to identify from therapy, introspection, talking with others, and remembering as much as I can of what my wife has said recently and over the last couple of years. It is abundantly clear that she is going through almost exactly what other sources and especially these forums have identified as MLC and WW. I am doing well in my work to process, accept, and forgive myself for what I have done to contribute to this situation. I am overdoing it a bit, even according to my therapists, trying to understand and empathize with my wife. They are encouraging me to allow myself to feel abandoned, angry, disrespected and deeply disappointed in my wife. They are also cautioning me against agreeing with anything I don't want and compromising on things I feel strongly about. She had been clear on her need for space and time and now I understand that I need the same even more. As hard as the last few months have been, the next year will be even harder as I detach and yet try to hold out hope, if only for my son.
Me: 48, Her: 45 Son: 13 Married 15, Together 17 Affair started: 4/1/2018 ILYBINILWY: 6/4/2018 Affair confirmed: 7/15/2018 Detachment started: 7/20/2018 Divorce first seriously discussed: 8/3/2018
Feelings change from day to day. I was firmly resolved to pursue my own path forward without my wife on Friday and then spending time with my son over the weekend brought on waves of doubt and concern. Not doubt about what I have to do for myself and my son, but doubt about what might be left to do for my marriage. I feel quite strongly that I have obligations, but I also understand that I have to make these decisions and take actions without any cooperation. Very confusing times. I bought some 10 pound weights to exercise with when I feel stressed and that helps. I've been getting better sleep (it was down to 3 hours a night until recently) and I'm beginning to eat more. The books I'm reading about infidelity and abandonment are really helping. I know I'll get through this and be a better man than I ever thought possible. I just can't stop hoping that my wife sees this progress and considers reconciling. I'm am getting better at detaching and not allowing our feelings to be so enmeshed.
Me: 48, Her: 45 Son: 13 Married 15, Together 17 Affair started: 4/1/2018 ILYBINILWY: 6/4/2018 Affair confirmed: 7/15/2018 Detachment started: 7/20/2018 Divorce first seriously discussed: 8/3/2018
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I've definitely read the book and she doesn't know about it and she has no access to my computer.
I've failed to mention something that may be very important. She has told her closest friends not only about our situation but also about the affair. She doesn't know I'm aware of this. Her friends have been not only supportive of her decisions in regard to our marriage but also excited and enthusiastic about the affair. I am very troubled by this as it seems to be almost more significant than the affair itself. I could use some advice about this.
Me: 48, Her: 45 Son: 13 Married 15, Together 17 Affair started: 4/1/2018 ILYBINILWY: 6/4/2018 Affair confirmed: 7/15/2018 Detachment started: 7/20/2018 Divorce first seriously discussed: 8/3/2018
I still haven't read your entire sitch yet. I will try to do that later today.
You're right. We call it an emotional roller-coaster. One minute you're on top of the world feeling like your path forward is to cut her loose since she is the one losing out whether she knows it or not.
That is followed quickly be the low where you feel like your world will come to an end if she doesn't wake up and come back to MR. This is very typical.
Feel your emotions, don't try to control them. But at the same time do not let your emotions control you! Stay the course through the ups and downs. This is why written goals are so important. Trust me, it is such a great feeling to have your W say something or do something that would normally make you spiral out of control emotionally and to not feel that at all. That is when you know you are doing detachment well.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you Steve. I have been making remarkable progress. I'm in therapy and working a 12-step program so I feel better every day. I'm less and less worried about myself and my future. Having written goals and a journal has helped a lot. I'm exercising and planning to add more to my daily routine. I'm eating better. My relationship with my son has improved dramatically. My main concern now is my son's health and happiness. My wife is beyond my reach for now so I'm leaving her alone.
Thank you Steve and Cadet for your support.
P.S. I have benefited quite a bit by considering her actions as unplugging rather than detaching.
Last edited by RWAlan; 07/24/1805:43 PM. Reason: Added P.S.
Me: 48, Her: 45 Son: 13 Married 15, Together 17 Affair started: 4/1/2018 ILYBINILWY: 6/4/2018 Affair confirmed: 7/15/2018 Detachment started: 7/20/2018 Divorce first seriously discussed: 8/3/2018
