My Ww is home, as I mentioned in last thread. She says she is really happy to be back, says it's been hell since she left.
We have had a few relationship discussions over the last few days, mainly telling me bad things I did not taking any blame. I have been really good about not loosing my cool and getting emotional.
Yesterday morning when we were talking I happen to inquire to her about it we reconsiled getting a joint FB account. This was a no deal. She didn't want no part of it. I just walked away and went outside to think and be alone.
A few minutes passed and she came out and said hadnt you rather be in here with us rather than out here starring in the woods. I said I'm about to go to bed.
A little while later she came and said she would consider the FB change. I don't really think she is serious though, that would be a huge change for her, it is such a big part of her life.
She did admit to being a stay at home mom really got to her. How for 6 years that all she's done and how controlling I was. I apologized and told her all I ever done was take care of her and try to protect my family. I don't think I was very controlling, if that means telling one of her single drunk friends I didn't want her at my house getting wife drunk before having to have kid at school in the morning is controlling then I am guilty.
We went out to dinner last night as a family, it was really nice, came home watched a movie and went to bed.
This morning I got up early, hit water heater issues ugh!!! So I went to depot for parts and waited to get her up for work. She commented before leaving she has noticed lots of changes in me over these 3 months and she appreciates all the help.
I don't feel the love. I don't know if it's there anymore. Sometimes she misses me passionately, but then sometimes doesn't say I love you when hanging up the phone or if she does it feels forced I don't know. I let it go, don't say anything.
Time will tell all. I hope I'm not a doormat, I hope she comes around. She did say yesterday "no one has ever looked at her the way I did". It made me feel good about my sitch.
Have you read No More Mr. Nice Guy? The FB account exchange and your behavior afterward smacked of NGS. You may want to explore that and consider a 180.
What is the purpose of the joint FB account? I have seen couples do this but usually they are both in alignment in that being the best approach. However, she isn't. Is this another way you are trying to control her? You realize that having a joint FB account won't preclude her from still having her own FB account, right? Also, did you make this a requirement for reconciliation? The way you worded it I got the impression that is what you are implying. My advice is not to put roadblocks like that in her way for moving towards R.
Things have improved. She's back home. She's seeing your changes. She is sometimes saying ILY. (Glass half full man! Don't look at it as sometimes she doesn't, but that sometimes she does!)
You don't feel loved. Welcome to 99.99999999999999999999999999999999% of the sitches here. I think you are a) too focused on her. CONCENTRATE ON YOU. b) still too emotionally attached. "I don't feel loved". So what. LOVE YOURSELF.
"I hope I'm not a doormat, I hope she comes around."
Okay so these two things are not alike. You being a doormat is COMPLETELY in your control. You can decide to NOT be a doormat! This forum is full of advice and suggestions to avoid that Specifically, GAL, detaching, 180ing........ That is where your focus should be in avoiding being a doormat. Her coming around is COMPLETELY OUT of your control. So don't worry about it. Be the best you can be (through the GAL, detaching and 180ing) and she'll either come around or she won't.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Steve I think I needed that. I have a lot of work to do I know. This is going to be an interesting time. My pain has gone, I think if she left today I'd be ok. I know I am, she knows it too. All this is just so crazy. Most people say I'm crazy for having her back, I don't see it that way but I see what they mean. It will not happen again. She ever leaves again she's on her own. She did say she learned alot being out there on her own and found an appreciation for me she never had.
Sometimes I think she wanted to try the other grass and did and seen it wasent so good afternoon, but I also know that women have a talent for survival. School starts back soon, may have been her plan all along. I'll never know.
I will be able to tell if the love is there or not, if in time it's not. It will be time for me to go.
Chris, look at my signature. This is exactly how I felt too. Put a time limit on it, that is my suggestion. Otherwise you'll get complacent and just let it become the status quo. Make sure she is doing her work. Don't let her slide.
I think you are good shape here. I would suggest you try to institute some date nights. Keep conversation with her light and fun. Look up touch and talk charges. These were all things, once my W started coming around, that helped our sitch move to full blown piecing and R.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hi I really need help with this, I have NGS super bad. She's eating it up. If I make a small demand im "pushy" or, take it slow. She's been giving me some attention while I'm at work, but tonight a friend was over so she's not having much to do with me. Just being short. It's understandable I guess. I feel like I'm being used like hell. She had sex with me this morning. I thought it was a good sign because she has not been affectionate much at all toward me. Dumb ass me made the FB request again this afternoon. Of course it was a hell no I'm not deleting my FB, that's out of the question. So I guess I need advice here. How do I get her closer, without pushing her away. I've read all of sandi2s nice guy threads and studied all I can. I have got my book the solo partner and read. I am just not cut out for this. I still find myself ready to throw in the towel and she's at my house. I'm not built for being ran over. Part of my 180 is to be Mr. Nice guy. When she left she said I was so controlling and an a hole. So I been doing the opposite, which makes me feel like the sidewalk beneath her feet.
We are taking a mini vacation at the end of this week. It will be the first time my S2 has seen the ocean so I'm glad we are both going to witness the event, it's kind of a big deal to us. I beleive like Steve says. Take care of me, GAL, and stop focussing on her so much. It's just so damn hard. I guess I'll try harder. Thank you all!
I am admittedly biased against them (it always makes it seem like the spouses are not individuals and are unhealthily enmeshed), but what are you hoping to achieve?
You need to focus on detachment. Getting upset because she doesn't say I love you at the end of every single phone conversation?
Are you seeing an individual counselor? I can't recommend that highly enough.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
You are super attached and super demanding. Being detached is not about getting away from your WW, it's about discovering yourself. You have to be detached in a Marriage as well. You have to be able to be yourself and be free. You are forcing W to do things she doesnt want to do. Nobody, not even LBS like doing things that are being forced on them. Let go and detach, become your own man. Being free and being faithful or two different things. When you can be free and be yourself in a M, it's easy to be faithful.
My W had sex with me while she was still talking to the OM. I say that because, sex is what it is, and no more. So I was having sex with my WW, the OM had her emotions. You are not trying to gain sex from her. You are trying to gain respect. All your actions are losing you respect. Without respect there cant be love, stop making demands of your W, when she hasnt fully committed to the M.
I'm sorry, but having a joint FB account, shows weakness. Please let that go. What you really want is transparency. IMO, you want to be able to check her FB anytime you want without her objections. Stop making demands and start demanding respect. And demanding respect is not being mean or nasty. It's not saying, "I demand respect". It's all about your actions, when she does something disrespectful, you call her out on it. When you create a boundary, you hold her to them. The moment you start respecting yourself, the moment others will do the same, even your WW.
You want to pull her close without pushing her away, start by stopping the demands on her.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
I mentioned something about Wednesday her staying at her aunt's. She was confused. Didn't know what I was talking about. Well I'm off Wednesday, aren't you going to your aunt's I said.
She replied well, S6 has to have dental work Wednesday and I was going to cook your favourite meal so I thought I would stay.
I'm blown away from these new developments, but also wiery. I don't know what she's up to, if is using me, wants to get back with me but don't know how to, or what the hell is going on.
She manipulated her way back into the house. She came back to the house b/c she didn't have anywhere else to stay. She did not reconcile with you. Big, big difference!! Nothing has been resolved.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
@sandi2 I know and it f in [censored]. S6 is a special kid, all the places she lived and the separation put him in a bad mental state as I'm sure it does 99% of all kids. He's better now. She tells me we are taking things slow, that we aren't jumping back into it. I know it's sad but I would rather her use me and do whatever she wants as long as my kids are safe and healthy. So that's it. She also says that she has seen big changes in me but is afraid that if she gets close to me things will just go back to the way they were.
Chris, just take deep breath. Your mind is a race horse right now. Take it easy, let things settle in. Like sandi said, she may have come back just because she had no where else. But it is still a good sign. Many WASs, no matter what their living sitch, will make coming back after leaving the very last thing they'd ever do.
as joe said, sex doesn't mean anything. Have zero expectations. Early in my sitch my W started having sex with me and sandi pointed out that likely she was fantasizing about OM with me being the physical implement of that fantasy. However, women do not have sex with men they are repulsed by, so one small positive is that she is not repulsed by you. Many WAWs get to a point or repulsion with their Hs.
But yes, you need to stop focusing so much on her. Be polite, upbeat and pleasant. But not overly eager. Don't follow her around the house. Don't wait on her hand and foot. Be busy and productive.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
