I have recommended to a couple of Newbies that they get a DNA test.
Why?
It stops all games. Not because the child may not be theirs but because they are.!
So if it puts questions to rest then do it. It's a straightforward view and in my experience love is love despite biology.
My 2c
V
Thanks V. I'm going to pass. I have chosen the truth I wish to believe and the chances of me being wrong are quite small. The absolute knowledge makes no difference to anything. There are no support issues, no custody issues. Asking the question would create pain and angst for no purpose.
There are times that I do wish that we had joint "custody" as he's not cheap to feed and goes through cycles of being grumpy and unpleasant to be around
Why his mother doesn't engage with him more is beyond me but she as well is quite self-centred and probably doesn't even think of spending more time with him. It's roughly 5 years since he first moved out to university and she never went out of her way to see him back then either. Only I did.
Busy day today. Fresh haircut, shopping etc and then off to the farm for the first "P family reunion". The weather is uncertain so my brother has cleaned up his implement shed as an alternative venue. The married woman who from time to time is aggressive in wanting to get together for coffee will probably also be there. She's the daughter of my oldest sister's now deceased husband - so a relative of sorts. I need to pick up some store-bought pies to take as my contribution to the pot-luck. I don't have enough fresh fruit in my garden to make pies right now although the black currants should be just about ripe.
From both the post from exquisitetobe and from SIL1 I've been given cause to ponder if my ex-wife feels any regret or remorse for what she did. According to what I've been told from time to time that she posts on Facebook she could be struggling somewhat with the circumstances of her life. Not my problem. I mentioned to SIL1 that the only way I could see my ex popping out of her tunnel would be if she and OM at least started co-habitating, if he dumped her again, if she gave up on chasing him, or if I myself found someone to share my life with.
The last item isn't going to happen any time soon (probably). The first would have happened quite some time ago if it was going to. The other two are a coin toss. In a few weeks what would have been our 29th anniversary will come up. The 30th anniversary from when we met. I still have regular WTF moments and occasionally feel an empty spot where she used to be.
Well - this isn't getting the cows fed (farmer joke - I own no cows).
Have a great Saturday all.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
It may or may not be my imagination but the lady at the flower shop seems to be getting prettier in the last few weeks.
Dude,
That's nature's way of telling you that you need to take care of something by hand. The reservoir is full and needs to be drained. Clarity of thought will return.
Bwa ha ha! I was right. Both the lady at the flower shop and her boss have gone on a fitness and exercise program. Her boss who is petite is down 20lbs and looks fabulous and has started wearing form fitting clothing - I'm sure her boyfriend appreciates it. The lady of my flowers who is quite tall is down 11 and has given up at least for the present coffee and alcohol. I told them both that they looked great with a special emphasis on one and how impressed I was.
I did joke that I needed to hang out with them more often to get a good influence in my life.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
K - So I might need some advice here. Especially from the feminine contingent. Sorry - a bit long.
Went to the family reunion thing yesterday afternoon. S23 chose not to come so it was just me. We did have some weather issues but it all worked out well and a fabulous time was had by all. Bug spray was fortunately pre-planned by me.
As largely expected the "married" lady who had seemingly been in active pursuit was also there. She's (more or less) my oldest sister's step-daughter even though there is no real familial relationship there. She's maybe about 6 or 7 years younger than me. It turned out that she had brought an air mattress with a hole in it to sleep on in the ramshackle farm-house so I offered her to stay with me and texted S23 to make up the spare room which he did.
She was slightly tipsy and we did spend a bit of time together. Husband and children were absent. She "instructed" me that she and I should go together to this place or that around the world which I deflected. Since I wasn't partaking I was chosen as the designated driver to take her and a few other women to the local liquor store to re-stock and picked up a couple of beer for myself. While there she made another similar comment about future plans with me to which I quietly remarked that it couldn't work because her husband was sure to object. She then told me that her husband had had a "MLC" and had run off with his girlfriend about 8 months ago. Like HaWho she also suspects brain tumour. This sort of matches up with the timeline of her initial pursuit of me. I told her that this information completely changes the dynamic and why I had been pushing back previously.
We went back to the party. More visiting, lots of reminiscing and visiting and a bit more drinking happened. I did make more of a point to spend time in her company (I do quite like her). Some 3 hours after the party was supposed to be over we left together and I'm sure that many people made assumptions.
We got home (she hates the wallpaper in my kitchen that my ex picked out) and sat in the kitchen for about 3 more hours visiting and talking about this and that and our separate situations over multiple glasses of water ('cuz I'm just that exciting). I talked to her about the stories I've read here and elsewhere and how her's falls into the pattern. Not sure how much that helped or not.
I showed her around the house including the MBR where she remarked that based on the wallpaper she figured my ex to be a "romantic". She did seem to like the house remarking that she liked how it "smelled like old wood" (the cat boxes were recently cleaned). She did slightly mock me for having a very feminine quilt (new purchase) but that didn't bother me at all.
She then got tucked in to the spare room where she passed the night with several visits by the cats who it seems know how to open that door. I told her in the "good night" that I really enjoyed spending the day with her.
Could her arrangements have been in a different room? I don't know. I didn't suggest especially since she was still a bit tipsy. I do confess to a bit of hope as I quite like her and she is very pretty as a bonus.
Early the next morning (far too early) I got up, showered, shaved and started a breakfast of tea, sausages and pancakes and messaged her that it was ready. She'd told me that she wanted to make sure she got to church on time at 10:30 so I timed things accordingly. She came down, and like many women (I believe) of her age really wasn't interested in breakfast but did eat the sausages and one of the pancakes which I was complimented on. She did ask if she could help and I think was surprised that I had everything under control. While we were visiting an old friend who I haven't seen in nearly 20 years was spotted walking around the drive. I went out, thanked him for visiting and said that I had a visitor already and wished him well as he passed on by. Later I sent him a more detailed thank-you. Unsurprisingly my feminine guest chastised me for not inviting him in but that would have been huge tracts of awkward. Sometimes when the stars align they send meteorites.
We were talking a lot more and she made the conscious decision to skip Church which I think is highly unusual.
We spent much of today together officially visiting her step-mom / my sister. My sister has some serious health problems that has both of us worried. It was really nice though. She's amazingly smart and strong-willed and challenges me on pretty much every point. Eventually it was time for us to part. I got a very nice hug where I re-iterated that I really enjoyed spending time with her and that I looked forward to seeing her again.
We have tentative plans to get together in a week or so for coffee. I'd loaned her some books that her son might be interested in and picked up her lawn chair that she forgot at the farm so we have an excuse.
After I got home I thanked S23 for making up the spare room. He'd actually crossed paths with this lady (I need to figure out an acronym) and I told him that she was a sort of first cousin but made it plain that she was someone who I was interested in I believe. He seemed very cool with the whole thing.
One huge thing that worries me that waves some largish red flags around is that this woman is very much a Princess. We actually chatted about my tendency to rescue princesses. Her - almost ex - husband is a fairly high powered lawyer and she is indeed used to the nicer things in life. She has a very good career of her own as well.
Another was that as they would say "in vino veritas" - when she was tipsy she was amazingly and not quite ironic in being upset in any mention I might have of a friend or associate who was female. I think that this is a very real thing and perhaps may be based on her own experience with infidelity. I don't know. Is this something that is navigable / transitory for her as a LBS?
She also strikes me as rather controlling and "black and white" but is open to alternative viewpoints. I made sure that she knows that my personal finances are not very generous and that seemed to have no impact on her.
I also worry about the fact that her financial circumstances where she is now allow her to do things like renovate a bathroom or just hire someone to paint etc which is beyond the means that I possess might give her expectations that are unrealistic.
Could I have "gotten lucky" last night? I think the odds were high if I had pressed my suit. I hope she respects me more for the fact that I didn't. Did I do the "right" thing by not doing that? I have no clue.
Anyhoodles - time to do the second round of dishes so that I wake up to a clean counter.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Could I have "gotten lucky" last night? I think the odds were high if I had pressed my suit. I hope she respects me more for the fact that I didn't. Did I do the "right" thing by not doing that? I have no clue.
Andrew,
Sometimes a guy has to pick the low hanging fruit. Think of it as chivalry; helping a damsel in distress. Afterward, you can go to a bar and unload your burden (i.e. losing respect for yourself) on some stranger woman. And that starts the vicious cycle of caving into your physical desires and losing respect for yourself. Perpetual Margaritaville. That doesn't sound so bad, and you're just trying to help. Eh?
You may already be an OM if this wayward has an EA going on with you in her head.
RUN.
V
Thanks V - I appreciate it and for bringing out the heavy timber. I didn't look at it that way. The timeline between pursuit and her separation seems legitimate but ....
The story as she tells it mimics many here but with a probably more typical outcome. Reminds me a bit of HaWho's story in many ways. Husband / father who was only happy when he had control of the agenda and even then not much. Apparently sudden depression getting progressively worse until he exploded. Blamed entire family including kids for all his problems and refused to get counseling insisting that everyone else was the problem. Wouldn't come out of his room and ignored family for months until his wife gave him his marching orders after several ultimatums. He packed a suitcase late last year and immediately moved in to the "spare room" of "a woman who has a hobby of rescuing men from their horrible wives".
He completely ignores the life and family he left behind along with his abandoned possessions. He still pays the mortgage but nothing extra. Any contact involves him monstering.
I tend to believe her story as she tells it. Her relationship with my sister her pseudo step-mother only started when she was in her 30s so they are only somewhat close and as her situation was a topic of conversation when the three of us were together that adds legitimacy.
I think I'm going to proceed with caution. We'll probably have coffee or perhaps dinner next week when I'm in her general geography for work and I give her back her lawn chair that we forgot. Even though I've told her that the fact that she's separated changes things a lot in my head I've still been obviously cautious and not in full pursuit. If I see too much in the way of being controlling or any kind of lie I will indeed run.
In the mean time I'm still considering actively dating a couple of other women if I can get my courage up.
Doodler - thank you for reinforcing my belief in thinking WWDD - What Would Doodler Do? And then doing the opposite
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Doodler - thank you for reinforcing my belief in thinking WWDD - What Would Doodler Do? And then doing the opposite
Andrew,
I'm with you! I do exactly the same thing; I do the opposite of what I would do. The only problem with that approach is, because I am doodler, I sometimes don't know if what I would do has already been countermanded by myself, thus I shouldn't be doing the opposite. Because of that, sometimes there's a lot of uncertainty that can lead to erratic and bizarre behavior. My strategy for overcoming that little issue is to forsake thinking altogether which seems to work well. And if things don't turn out well, then I don't really know anyway because I wasn't thinking about it.
Could I have "gotten lucky" last night? I think the odds were high if I had pressed my suit. I hope she respects me more for the fact that I didn't. Did I do the "right" thing by not doing that? I have no clue.
You did the right thing. Don't sleep with someone until it is clear hat you are both interested when sober and have at least gone out on an official date! (I know others here have much higher standards and even I would generally advise the three date rule as a minimum but I have broken that rule myself upon occasion).
Situation is made trickier by the fact that she is a pseudo family member - not in any incest way but just in that it could be divisive in the family if it doesn't turn out well.
Just because her H went to stay in the spare room of a woman with a history of rescuing doesn't quite sound like her spouse was unfaithful during the marriage - could just be that he was having a serious mental health crisis. I'd want to know a little more about the situation before assuming she's a real LBS since she kicked him out. (Now, that being said, I'm dating a guy who left his marriage - but after she became a three bottle of wine a day alcoholic who wouldn't seek treatment. Even so I'm still looking for confirmation that his version of story is true.)
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We got home (she hates the wallpaper in my kitchen that my ex picked out)
Wallpaper should be made illegal.
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We were talking a lot more and she made the conscious decision to skip Church which I think is highly unusual.
She's clearly interested and this may be a good opportunity for you since you are attracted to her. The financial disparity may not be an issue for her if she is financially independent; my feeling is, I have enough for my retirement and my current life, but not enough to support a guy too. I want any guy I date to be able to handle his financial life and have some future plan for his retirement. If a guy can live within his means that's more important to me than the total amount he makes. I think if you're up front about your finances then she can decide if that works for her.
From the info you gave us, use your own experience to weight if it is right or wrong. 9 months in.... what might be her true intention? Serious relationship? Loneliness? Confusion? Casual?
Also, if you give it a go and later on, it does not work.. How will it affect your family dynamic? If her husband return, what happens with you and family reunions etc.
Very risky yet this might be the opportunity of a great future???
