And heres a question for you. Lets say she went and was sleeping with OW today? How does that change anything for you? What if she were out for a romantic lunch? Or what if they sat and played Boggle? How do any of those things change your plans?
It would change my plans in so far as I would give up all LRT or DB efforts and wish her good riddance.
How about in your mind, you do that. What would that look/feel like? Would you be stopping waiting for her to come home? Would you be out GALing? Would your mind stop 'racing'?
And heres a question for you. Lets say she went and was sleeping with OW today? How does that change anything for you? What if she were out for a romantic lunch? Or what if they sat and played Boggle? How do any of those things change your plans?
It would change my plans in so far as I would give up all LRT or DB efforts and wish her good riddance.
How about in your mind, you do that. What would that look/feel like? Would you be stopping waiting for her to come home? Would you be out GALing? Would your mind stop 'racing'?
No it wouldn't, it would make matters worse. It would make me feel angry to the point where I would want to destroy every last reminder of our relationship in this house (above and beyond what I already chucked out the day after the BD). It would make me pack up my belongings and my dog and run home to mum. Which, as my rational self now knows, I don't want to do, because I want to stay in the UK, I want to stay near the few friends I have, and I want to do the campervan thing going travelling. As I can't do that yet, I need to try and keep busy, try and not listen for the keys, try and GAL without forcing me to do stuff I don't really want to do, and keep working on getting a place, and ultimately, said van.
And heres a question for you. Lets say she went and was sleeping with OW today? How does that change anything for you? What if she were out for a romantic lunch? Or what if they sat and played Boggle? How do any of those things change your plans?
It would change my plans in so far as I would give up all LRT or DB efforts and wish her good riddance.
How about in your mind, you do that. What would that look/feel like? Would you be stopping waiting for her to come home? Would you be out GALing? Would your mind stop 'racing'?
No it wouldn't, it would make matters worse. It would make me feel angry to the point where I would want to destroy every last reminder of our relationship in this house (above and beyond what I already chucked out the day after the BD). It would make me pack up my belongings and my dog and run home to mum. Which, as my rational self now knows, I don't want to do, because I want to stay in the UK, I want to stay near the few friends I have, and I want to do the campervan thing going travelling. As I can't do that yet, I need to try and keep busy, try and not listen for the keys, try and GAL without forcing me to do stuff I don't really want to do, and keep working on getting a place, and ultimately, said van.
As far as what youve said, she is already in some kind of affair. From how you are describing your life, you are in a "pick me" situation. Youre forced to watch/wait while she "decides" whether to proceed with this A or to "choose" to stay with you.
To me, that isnt a life that I am willing to lead. I vowed that while my XW was in that situation, I was not going to sit like a good little boy in the exact place she left me, waiting and hoping for the day when she would walk back in the door and choose me.
You have an incredible OPPORTUNITY to remold your life and your persona as you want. You know all of those things and experiences you put off? NOW is the time to do them. You know those salsa classes you were always interested in, but never attended, NOW is the time to do them.
For me, I joined a board game night. One night a week, totally free. It led me to having friends I could go out with periodically. I joined a fantasy football league with some. And now, I do bar trivia weekly with some of them. You need to start opening doors to the things in life you never did while in your relationship because they can and will lead to other opportunities. And these will help fuel a change in you. And will help you to DETACH. But, taking step 1 is hard. And taking Step 2 is hard. And so is Step 3. But eventually, you will succeed.
By the way, Id recommend you to read the threads of DifRent and NYGal. You might find them particularly relevant as both are W/W relationships with affairs..
As far as what youve said, she is already in some kind of affair. From how you are describing your life, you are in a "pick me" situation. Youre forced to watch/wait while she "decides" whether to proceed with this A or to "choose" to stay with you.
Worse. According to her, we are "done". Hence I am trying the LRT, however, I am wondering why I bother.
As far as what youve said, she is already in some kind of affair. From how you are describing your life, you are in a "pick me" situation. Youre forced to watch/wait while she "decides" whether to proceed with this A or to "choose" to stay with you.
Worse. According to her, we are "done". Hence I am trying the LRT, however, I am wondering why I bother.
Because she is making these choices based on her feelings.
Have you ever eaten SO MUCH food that you were like "I never need to eat again? Then the next day or two days later, you felt hungry? How about sad? or hot? or tired? or in love?
These are FEELINGS and they change.
Remember when she probably told you how "in love" she was with you? I know my XW expressed those feelings to me. Feelings change. And there are PLENTY of cases where spouses have felt "out of love" and "done" only to change their minds.
But is she going to be interested in a someone waiting/moping around at home or someone that is going out and leading an awesome life? Im guessing it will only be to the latter. How about anyone else that would want to be in a healthy relationship with you in the future? Again.....probably the latter.
This change has to be for you. But if you dont change, then there isnt really a chance at having a good relationship with her again.
I get all of that. I think. I guess I just need to figure out for myself if there is any point in trying to "win her back" by doing the LRT, if I eventually realise that I cannot forgive her the affair in whichever shape or form. And that is the bit I am struggling with right now. I have good moments where I am focussing on GAL and being awesome, only for reality that my marriage is probably over to hit me in the face again.
I sure as hell am not thinking of ever having a relationship again only to run the risk of being hurt like this again, so the only person to be awesome for is myself, full stop. Well, and for my dog. Dogs are the better people anyways.
I get all of that. I think. I guess I just need to figure out for myself if there is any point in trying to "win her back" by doing the LRT, if I eventually realise that I cannot forgive her the affair in whichever shape or form. And that is the bit I am struggling with right now. I have good moments where I am focussing on GAL and being awesome, only for reality that my marriage is probably over to hit me in the face again.
Well, I think you have this backwards. The LRT isnt to 'win her back'. The LRT is to give YOU the space that YOU need to make your own changes. If you are constantly hurting yourself by checking in with her and temperature checking your R with her, you arent going to be able to evolve. By being in LRT, you get the space to make the decisions you want to make about your life. It's about taking your power back.
And.....as a side benefit......maybe she will get interested/curious in what she is missing. I mean, maybe not....but either way, you come out of it OK.
Fair enough, in that case, I misunderstood the LRT. In that case, I am just doing what I am doing anyways, call it LRT or just being an adult about the situation and moving on with my life.
I just realised that I don't need to be angry with her anymore. She will have to live the rest of her life with what she did, whereas I don't. I get to go and be awesome and do awesome things!
Yes! That is exactly right. You will heal from your pain, but she can never NOT be a cheater. That is something she will have to live with. I try to tell myself this about my WW all the time too.
Me: Late 30s WW: Late 30s M: 12 S: 7 BD: Late April '18 (Wife left next day) OM confirmed: July '18 (20+ years older)
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. - Psalms 34:18
