I have no clue what about this conversation made her start to cry. She I can count on one hand the number of times she has cried in front of me about this whole sitch.
WD,
This gets all the LBS wheels spinning the first time they witness this but it doesn't mean anything. Blowing up a family is very stressful and you combine that with hormones and you will see the tears from time to time. You start to think she is second guessing her decision and that she is human after all, later to find out nothings changed.
Things will get easier once she moves out and you start to get use to a life on your own. The movie incident didn't get you any points but it didn't lose you any either.
Time and space are the only thing that turns these around.
Thank you, both, for your feedback. I knew I screwed up on the movie thing. At the time, I was thinking, "If you want to move out, you don't get to watch movies with me. This is what that will feel like." Oh well. I'm still new at this. Only two weeks into DBing today. I will do better.
One thing I haven't mentioned, which is totally odd to me: Twice in the past week, W has purchased furniture for our Ds' rooms. These are items we have been talking about for a while; things they need. But why now? She has signed a lease for her own place. She will need furniture there. I'm sure she will take some of our shared furniture, but she's not going to be ripping the Ds' rooms apart. Why is she buying furniture for the home she is leaving? Is this compensation because she feels guilty about the effect this will have on our Ds? I know, I shouldn't try mind reading. I guess this is just more about me thinking out loud and venting. But, like so much of this sitch, it makes zero sense.
Me: 40 W:39 T: 19 M: 12 D4, D7 EA/BD: August 2017 EA ended: Oct 2017 MC: Oct 2017 - March 2018 W signed lease: July 10, 2018 W moved out: Sept. 14, 2018
So I don't know your sitch, so ignore me if I am off base. But the way you talked to your wife is the way my exF talked to me. It was cold and cruel. I, like you, struggle with the whole detach with love thing. I don't know how to be nice while not being cold. If I were your wife, I would feel like you don't give a crap about me. My exF would always act like a TV show was more important than a conversation with me.
MMM, you nailed it. That is what I struggle with. I find it extremely difficult to be aloof but still kind. I am working on it. I love my W, but she has hurt me deeply over the past year and continues to. I'm angry and sad, when I let myself be. That is the place where that movie conversation came from. I need to keep working on this. Thanks for weighing in.
Me: 40 W:39 T: 19 M: 12 D4, D7 EA/BD: August 2017 EA ended: Oct 2017 MC: Oct 2017 - March 2018 W signed lease: July 10, 2018 W moved out: Sept. 14, 2018
I just read your initial sitch and you sound exactly like my exF. He was overly critical, worked too much, seemed angry all the time etc. I wanted to leave my F many times but didn't have the courage. She is most likely second guessing herself and if I were in her shoes, I would think whatever changes you are making are temporary. I would try to really work at it to make them permanent. We may be able to help each other on this. I'm sure in your eyes you didn't think you were "that bad" but dealing with someone critical like that really wears a woman down! She is probably feels like this is her only option. I am going to keep reading and hopefully give you some female perspective. I'm not a vet and suck at DB, but maybe a genuine female perspective will help. PS. We have kids etc too so similar situation...
Steve, LH,Why is she buying furniture for the home she is leaving? Is this compensation because she feels guilty about the effect this will have on our Ds? .
Yes! My EXW mulched my entire front bed 3 weeks before she left. Guilt is good! Use it to your advantage.
I also had an EA with a divorced person. ExF actually never knew about it. We never talked about anything bad or sexual etc it was more asking his opinion of my life and what should I do to fix this. It was totally wrong (and was a year or so ago) but my exF wouldn't listen to me. He didn't seem like he cared how I felt except for every few weeks then he would go back to "I'm more important than you" or complaining. Complaints and negatively depress me and shut me down. Just some more added insight.
MMM, you nailed it. That is what I struggle with. I find it extremely difficult to be aloof but still kind. I am working on it. I love my W, but she has hurt me deeply over the past year and continues to. I'm angry and sad, when I let myself be. That is the place where that movie conversation came from. I need to keep working on this. Thanks for weighing in.
Will, you can't help how you feel. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you can. However, what you can do is CONTROL your actions, even if your feelings lead you to act in a different way. Notice the difference? Feelings, can't control. Outward actions, can control.
The term "wears their feelings on their sleeve" is an apt description of most in our modern society. But we can control it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
