Might have made another dumb life decision, but its over now. Had been planning a vacation with the kids since Jan. I kept telling myself that this would be the last family vacation for the kids ever. I did this for the kids 100%. I made sure they had fun. So I did agree to go camping. It was hard. Had a few arguments etc but nothing to major, as we had agreed to not discuss anything while camping. We mostly stuck to it. We also had arranged "alone" days where one of us would spend time with the kids by ourselves. It mostly worked. She was glued to her phone the entire time, texting her new "friends" the entire time.
My question to the LBH is that if it's 100% for the kids........why does it include the W? I mean, why couldn't the H have a vacation with just his kids.....if it's for their sake?
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Well as we were driving back she starts by stating I need to watch the kids during the week since she wants to be out with her friends.
I explain I am not built in babysitting. I explain that I dont think the time allotment is close to equal. I say we need a parenting schedule. So I can GAL etc.
And where were the kids during this discussion?
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This opened up a can of worms. We start discussing schedules, custody etc. All I want is some boundries on time.
What do you mean by boundaries on time?
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I suspect her EA partner/s want her out more. I cant fully DB if I'm at the house each night doing bedtime.
If you are staying in separate places, you should not be over at her house........period, except to pick up/deliver the kids. Certainly don't stay with them there, while she's out GAL. And, you don't need to be there at bedtime. Sorry, but that is the reality of S/D, and she needs a big taste of it.
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Dont get me wrong, I love my time spent with the kids, but this seems unfair. To me its all cake eating. I'm starting to see a life divorced. Where I'm not in pain by seeing her constantly chasing other people. There are so many bad things about divorce that I see, but I'm in that space where I know it wont be my choice, but will have to go on reguardless. I might as well make the best of it.
That's right, and you start by stop saying how things are unfair........even if it is. When a man uses that language, it sounds weak. You may not have a choice about her leaving you or getting a D. But you have a choice about a schedule for keeping the kids. You have a choice about not staying with them so she can be free to run around. You have choices to end some the enabling. You had a choice about not taking her on your family vacation. See what I mean? Stop saying how it's all so unfair, and start making choices where you can. Let her deal with the reality of life without you. ((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You need to work on detachment. Your words about babysitting are not about your GAL, but about making sure she can't go out every night of the week. In other words, you are trying to control her. But you can't - you can only control yourself.
Your W is in a bad spot mentally, emotionally right now. You worrying about her blaming you for her unhappiness is working against you. You can't control that - you can only control yourself.
You see the theme that keeps coming up?
And let her feel the decision of getting rid of you instead of answering her calls, texts, going on "family outings" instead of trying to make her life easy.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Might have made another dumb life decision, but its over now. Had been planning a vacation with the kids since Jan. I kept telling myself that this would be the last family vacation for the kids ever. I did this for the kids 100%. I made sure they had fun. So I did agree to go camping. It was hard. Had a few arguments etc but nothing to major, as we had agreed to not discuss anything while camping. We mostly stuck to it. We also had arranged "alone" days where one of us would spend time with the kids by ourselves. It mostly worked. She was glued to her phone the entire time, texting her new "friends" the entire time.
My question to the LBH is that if it's 100% for the kids........why does it include the W? I mean, why couldn't the H have a vacation with just his kids.....if it's for their sake?
-Implied vs expressed consent. It was out of province, so if I had excluded her, taken the kids without signed letter, I can be charged with abduction. With her there consent is implied.
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Well as we were driving back she starts by stating I need to watch the kids during the week since she wants to be out with her friends.
I explain I am not built in babysitting. I explain that I dont think the time allotment is close to equal. I say we need a parenting schedule. So I can GAL etc.
And where were the kids during this discussion?
-Asleep in the backseat.
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This opened up a can of worms. We start discussing schedules, custody etc. All I want is some boundries on time.
What do you mean by boundaries on time?
- I dont want last min "events" sprung on me, where she goes out all night and I'm watching the kids all the time. Even when she files it will most likely be joint 50/50 time, which would mean LESS watching of the kids than currently. I'm currently watching them all day sat, sun, and sometimes 2,3,4 nights a week... I'd LOVE a true 50/50 split of time, I dont think she would be able to take it.
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I suspect her EA partner/s want her out more. I cant fully DB if I'm at the house each night doing bedtime.
If you are staying in separate places, you should not be over at her house........period, except to pick up/deliver the kids. Certainly don't stay with them there, while she's out GAL. And, you don't need to be there at bedtime. Sorry, but that is the reality of S/D, and she needs a big taste of it.
- I wish it was separate. Same house. Took your advice, and took MBR. Shes on the couch downstairs.
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Dont get me wrong, I love my time spent with the kids, but this seems unfair. To me its all cake eating. I'm starting to see a life divorced. Where I'm not in pain by seeing her constantly chasing other people. There are so many bad things about divorce that I see, but I'm in that space where I know it wont be my choice, but will have to go on reguardless. I might as well make the best of it.
That's right, and you start by stop saying how things are unfair........even if it is. When a man uses that language, it sounds weak. You may not have a choice about her leaving you or getting a D. But you have a choice about a schedule for keeping the kids. You have a choice about not staying with them so she can be free to run around. You have choices to end some the enabling. You had a choice about not taking her on your family vacation. See what I mean? Stop saying how it's all so unfair, and start making choices where you can. Let her deal with the reality of life without you. ((hugs))
-Thanks Sandi. I am saying some things are completely unfair. It has been for a while. I accept that I enabled it. I thought it was what a "good" H did to help his W work towards her dreams. Now she feels entitled to it. I am fine with 50/50. I do want to end the enabling.
-Had a fight tonight about a schedule. She had planned more events for this week. Mon, Tue, Wed... I said it needed to be equal. Got told I've been a sh!tty H, etc. How I've made her life hell etc... I know some of this is the WW syndrome. But I do feel I've not been the best H, so that one cut deep.
I appreciate the help. This might be too far gone to fix. She has a D mediator lined up... Just feeling a bit hopless, that I havent done enough 180 etc to matter, but it might never be enough...
You are trying to tell her she can't do what she wants. "You can't go out all those nights, what about the kids?" You're trying to control her and stop her from doing something. You're actually just pushing her further away by doing this but in your desperation you think she will come to her senses. She won't.
Let her be the crappy parent, you be the good parent.
Don't let her guilt trip you. You want to take all of the blame for the failure in your marriage, that way you can fix it. But it's not all your fault and you can't fix her.
You're pursuing and playing games. Be the husband, dad, and person you want to be. Find the strong, happy person inside of you and work on that. And if you stop trying to convince her that she can't do what she wants, then maybe she'll see this person and think that maybe the grass isn't greener on the other side.
As for the D mediator, how did you respond? Have you spoken to a lawyer about any of this? You need to, and you need to tell your W you will be talking to your lawyer whenever she brings up legal issues.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Oh and I notice your "boundaries" are about her, not about you. That makes them control, not boundaries. If she wants to be a bad parent, that shouldn't change your decision to be a good parent.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I'm ok with her being the "crappy" parent. I'm not looking to control her, I know I cant. Looking to work on me. To GAL, to exercise, to socialize and become a better person. I cant make some of that happen while doing child care.
I do use our workout machine/weights when the kids go to bed, but the finding a life part is tough.
We did eventually sit down and plan out the next couple of months, so thats progress I guess. In dropping the rope, shes now having to fill the car, get groceries etc. She was out again late yesterday with what I sure is OM2... shes planning to go out late again tomorrow, with OM2 and their crowd. Its also our anniversary tomorrow. Gonna be tough. Trying to stay positive, but the deep down sadness is a bit overwhelming right now.
Was a rough day. It was our 10th anniversary today. She didnt say anything. Neither did I. I took the kids to my parents place for a belated birthday party for D4. W doesnt want to be around my family. Took the kids to Chucky Cheese. They had fun. I need to keep doing things that keep us happy, and going.
Its late and shes still not home. Found in a bag, new lingerie... most likely for OM2. Not sure if its become a PA yet, but I'm sure it wont be long... Both of the OM are married, with kids too... how can people live like this.
Cdn2A, that is so sad that your anniversary had to be spent like that. I can't even comprehend what your wife is doing especially as a mom. Buying lingerie for another man when she has a husband and kids at home?! It would be very tempting to call the OMs' wives to spoil the fun. I hope this ordeal passes quickly for you and your children. It's so unfair and more complicated with kids.
When I confronted her re: OM1 I drove her to his front door. Even there she said she had no idea what I was talking about. The lying is the hard part. I have no idea what shes thinking. I think, she thinks since she BD, now its ok for her to do so....
I'm waiting, if she does file, I'll need her to be in a non pissed off state, since my lawyer says I'd loose majorly on the money/house front. I've already pleged to myself I'm only going to keep quiet in the interm, if she R or till D. Other wise I'm going to make sure both OM1 & 2's wives know whats going on...
Working hard on detaching. Some of it is easier, trying not to really talk unless she starts. She doesnt say much. She does bring up divorce, and details, such as who might get what, etc. Pulled back, some things are very tough. I'm not prying, but my kids have mentioned they are going on "play dates" now, with 2 other kids. I suspect they are OM2's kids.
Like a knife being twisted in ya, hearing about that. I know when/if she gets her own place, I cant control who she hangs out with, but dam, what a kick in the teeth.
I've tried some 180's. I'm out GALing, trying to put my best foot forward, but the chances of R seem bleak...
