Husband left for the second time - 5

[Vanilla]

Some guys want to dip their wick any old grease will do. Some women just drop their kecks and any old wick will do.

Sometimes a brain is attached but most of the time it's scrambled eggs for brains.

Wayward behaviour shrinks brains, add alcohol and those brains get dehydrated. And smoking and the myelin sheath shrivels. No nerves get fired. It's the Duh! syndrome.

The frontal cortex shrinks and the HPA withers. They can't help it poor darlings are deprived of resources.

And it's your fault of course, you had a beautiful child. Which may cost him resources that he could apply to wick dipping.

I want to take his snotty head stick it down a loo and flush. Kick his entitled butt at the same time.

Sparkly turd stuff.

V

[kiro]

Question is: Are we, LBSs, immune from such immature behaviors? Or do we just think we are? Could this have been us? And how do we protect ourselves from ever being that Wayward person? How do we make sure we never hurt someone the way our WS hurt us and hurt their children?

[HelenaJ]

Ah Nicole, its very cute that you think youll be single for the next 10 years. You wont. Hugs to ya.

[Jim1234]

Nicole, just a comment on the "attractiveness issue".... I have found any number of times that as I got to know someone who had an amazing personality but wasn't very physically attractive, they became more and more physically attractive the longer I knew them.

[Vanilla]

Question is: Are we, LBSs, immune from such immature behaviors? Or do we just think we are? Could this have been us? And how do we protect ourselves from ever being that Wayward person? How do we make sure we never hurt someone the way our WS hurt us and hurt their children?

The majority of LBS that learn and use DB properly are ADULTS who love their kids, stable and marching forwards.

Not only that but they get into new R with adults.

Using DB and shifting makes waywardism remote. So remote I haven't seen it in 4 years here, not in an LBS who genuinely DB. Because DB is for the self.

We work on us. BTW I was a WAW from a WH.

So put your mind at rest, your brain won't go wayward. In fact the very thought of it will make you wanna puke.


Clean question-though why are you concerned?
V

[kiro]

Clean question-though why are you concerned?

I could answer this in so many ways. I guess there are so many assumptions made and so many different opinions, so much speculation and subjectivity that anything is possible.

I don't know your story, but what you just wrote is a perfect example. You say you were a WAW from a WH. I don't know what that means exactly, but I made an idea in my mind. I guess you mean that your husband was wayward, and so you left. Is that right?

This is a perfect example because he may see you as the WAW and him as the LBH. I'm just speculating here...

But this could apply to my W. Maybe, she thinks I am the WH, and she is a WAW from a WH.

I read somewhere that most people who go through a midlife crisis can't remember anything when they get out of it. I wasn't the best husband either. Who knows? Maybe I was in a midlife crisis myself for the past 10 years and my wife was the victim, and then she ended up deciding to walk away from me. See where I'm going with this? Sorry, that's just me overthinking everything. I should stay quiet.

[NicoleR]

Thanks everyone for your responses. You all show a lot of strength and wisdom despite going through these challenges in your own relationships. I'm out-of-time for today but I hope to respond tomorrow.

[NicoleR]

Maika, what you're looking for in a woman is very reasonable. I'm sure you many options. I hope if you decide to file for divorce it'll go smoothly. I hope you'll keep us all posted.

Kiro, You're right about everything. I grew up in an Amish and Mennonite area where service and helping others was emphasized. My life and career have been building on helping those less fortunate particularly overseas so I'm thankful that part of my life is rewarding.

Vanilla, ha ha. Yes that's one way of looking at it! That pretty describes my husband in the past two years.

Helena, I don't know. I didn't even date in highschool or for the first few years of college. Only had one boyfriend before getting married. I have little experience and don't see many options out there in my age range who would fit what's important for me but you never know. There is one other guy other than my husband who I can envision being with so maybe there's a third out there somewhere.

Jim, I can understand how that happens. You might meet someone that you wouldn't necessarily stop and look at on the street but getting to know them changes a lot of things. I also think just based on what someone wears and how they style their hair that day they could be more or less attractive. Attraction is a strange thing.

Kiro, I do think our spouses think of themselves as the victims even when they choose to abandon us. Their illogical thinking is one of the reasons why it's so hard to accept what they've done.

All, my husband called me this morning. He was very upset and crying. He apologized for getting fired from his job. He didn't say anything about reconciling but we talked for over 30 minutes which is the longest one-on-one conversation we've had in over a year. He said he's trying to find a new job and he'll still pay my costs at the end of this month. He says we can't sell our house because there are still some unfinished sections (which I find hard to believe but I haven't been there recently) and it needs a final inspection by the country which he can't afford to do right now. I think reality is setting in, but if we pass this crisis and he still doesn't want to reconcile then I doubt he ever will. In my mind for the past few weeks I've been thinking of how I wish to tell him this is the price he has to pay for ignoring his family and career to live a fantasy life but he was so broken when he called that I didn't really say much. I just kept it practical and didn't show much emotion. He has to figure this out himself and I'm not there to rescue him. I do hope he figures it out though because we need his financial support. We were planning to send our daughter to a certain private school when she starts kindergarten next year and I'll never be able to do that on my own. I'll probably start working full-time soon but will be up-front with the employer about my limitations. It'll be really hard on my daughter and I to take this step but I don't see much other choice unless I want to take her overseas but we just moved four times in the past 1.5 years so moving again isn't optimal.

[kml]

Do you have a one bedroom apartment or two bedroom? If two bedroom, could you possibly trade free rent for after preschool child care, maybe a college student or retired woman?

[NicoleR]

Hi KML, it's two bedrooms. It'd be really uncomfortable to share such a small space with someone but I was considering trying it with an Au Pair until we can move to a bigger place. The problem is we did that in an apartment in NYC. The Au Pair was coming-and-going at all hours and her food and living habits were so different than ours. I have severe allergies so everything has to be unscented and that's not easy for most other people. My will also have a hard time adjusting to giving her room to someone else. I think an after-school nanny probably makes more sense right now but live-in help will be necessary at some point if I'm a totally single mom without any back-up support. There's an Afghan refugee my friend has been pushing me to hire. I may try that. First I need to make sure I have a real job offer since it's only been discussed verbally with my one employer. I hope this all works out somehow.