Is It Too Late?

[WillD78]

Thanks for commenting, Sandi. Having read many of your remarks on here to others, I'm delighted to hear your take. Thank you.

She friend-zoned you a long time ago. The two of you get along and work as a team, but she doesn't think of you as a lover. She doesn't feel the attraction. Once she moves out, she'll probably still expect to continue doing things as a family (yes, it's cake eating). She'll probably still turn to you as a friend (more cake). She just won't desire you as a man.

While she is still living with me, I am attempting to limit these "friend" activities. Part of it involves me GAL, but I'm also not organizing my schedule around her. I am doing activities alone with our daughters. I stick to my bedtime when she wants to hang out, have a drink, and watch a movie. I realize these are not massive changes, but it's what I can do for now while she is still in the house and the girls are still in the dark. When/if she actually moves out, it will stop completely.

Do your folks, or anyone, know that she is leaving you? As long as you continue to include her in family events, nothing changes for her. She'll expect to be included in holiday celebrations, family traditions, etc. So, she will get all the benefits of being M to you, without any of the responsibilities. She can join in the part she likes and then go back to her place.

I have two close friends who know about our sitch. The rest of our friends and family are in the dark. Part of me, I think, is afraid to tell them because 1) if she changes her mind, I don't want them to know about it, and 2), having it out in the open will make it easier for her to act on the moving out. Perhaps those are both invalid, but my plan is to follow her timeline on the process. This seems to be in line with DBing strategies. It buys me time. I really think that if the news broke widely among my family and hers, she would hit the ground running out the door.

However, when/if she does leave, I do think she will be surprised to find out that we're no longer doing things as a family. I will not have it. Before I started DBing, I tried to impress this upon her, and she accepted that it is a consequence of a D. I don't think it has fully set in, though.

As I said above, I'm trying to make changes now in my interactions and activities we do/don't do as a family (mostly for the kids' sake), but when she moves out, all family activities are over and, I don't want this to sound harsh, but we're not going to be friends. Of course I'll be cordial, but I'm not her handyman, shoulder to cry on, friend to laugh with, etc.

[WillD78]

I'm a bit confused about my wedding band. W stopped wearing hers in April, I believe. For a while, she would wear it when we would get together with friends or family, but that stopped altogether in June.

I have continued to wear mine. I see it as a symbol of my commitment to our MR. But how does she see it? Is it a reminder every time she sees it that she feels trapped? Should I take it off for that reason? Or should I take it off as part of my detachment process, as a way to start accepting that she is likely leaving? Or should I keep it on as a silent symbol that I am still committed? Or does it not matter at all?

[WillD78]

W texts me to ask if I can stop to pick up something she needs for dinner this evening. Paraphrased text conversation follows:

Me: I have plans at 5:30 so I need to come home quickly and change clothes.

W: OK. I can go. What plans?

Me: A bike ride.

W: I know you're out doing things and don't want to tell me but we need to communicate about plans.

Me: [no immediate response]

W: I'm typing in a nonaggressive tone. no judging or tone.

Me: I know. I'm just not sure what to say. I'm just trying to stay busy and think things through. And I literally just told you I have plans. I'm not trying to hide anything.

W: I don't think you are.

I'm not really sure how to respond to this one. The conversation will likely continue this evening. How'd I do so far? Any suggestions?

[sandi2]

She assumes she is suppose to go with you? Just say, "Sorry, but these plans don't include you". Don't tell her what they are, where you are going or who will be there. Let her curiosity suffer.

[ballast]

I'm a bit confused about my wedding band. W stopped wearing hers in April, I believe. For a while, she would wear it when we would get together with friends or family, but that stopped altogether in June.

I have continued to wear mine. I see it as a symbol of my commitment to our MR. But how does she see it? Is it a reminder every time she sees it that she feels trapped? Should I take it off for that reason? Or should I take it off as part of my detachment process, as a way to start accepting that she is likely leaving? Or should I keep it on as a silent symbol that I am still committed? Or does it not matter at all?

WillD78...so I have felt those exact same feelings as you. My W took her's off pretty much right after she left. I kept mine on solid for another 3 months or so. When I took it off, W definitely noticed and it unleashed some crazy actions from her. To this day I go back and forth between wearing it and not wearing it. I've just allowed my feelings/where I'm at in my acceptance of what is happening to guide me. There is no right answer, but that which feels right to you. For example yesterday no ring, today wearing it. It's crazy to me, but so long as I'm comfortable with it that's all that matters.

[Davide]

I took mine off the day I left the house, one day post BD. It was an emotional decision and probably not the wisest one. My W put it away because she couldn't bear to look at it. Now, I'm not sure where it even is.

I think it is completely a personal choice. I'd rather not have that constant reminder of my sitch on my finger 24/7.

[DB346]

I kept my ring on for the first 2+ months, but once I had confirmed her A, I had to take it off. Looking at the ring on my finger, and knowing that she had taken hers off, and was with someone else was too painful. Even now that I have had it off for a couple weeks I still find myself looking at my hand or feeling for the ring being there. I'm not sure that NOT wearing it actually makes me feel any better. I think you just have to make the right choice for you and not concern yourself with how she may or may not react to it.

[WillD78]

Ballast, Davide, DB: Thanks. I have been keeping it on most of the time. I just haven't been religious about it. I guess that's what I'll keep doing. When it's off, it just feels weird. I think it's more of a reminder of my sitch when it's off because I'm so used to wearing it.

Your advice is sound, though. I'll just do what feels best for me.

Thank you.

[WillD78]

Well, it turns out that today is the day my wedding band comes off. A friend of mine stopped by last night and we had a drink on the front porch. D7 sat on my lap while we talked. She was playing with my hands, grabbed my ring, and said, "Why do you wear this? It's for girls!" I brushed it off and then she said, "Seriously, why do you wear this?"

In my head I thought, "That's a really great question." But I told her it is a wedding ring and it means that I am married to mommy. It broke my heart. Look, I'm fine playing house until W moves out, just in case the one-in-a-million chance that she changes her mind and stays happens. But something about explaining me wearing a wedding band to D7 -- knowing that any day now, when W finally musters up the courage, she is going to break our Ds hearts -- was too much for me. The ring is off.

...

Last night after we put the girls in bed, W comes down and tells me that she is going to do some shopping. This is just a day after she told me that we have to communicate "about our plans." I brought this up to her, in a calm fashion. Something along the lines of "Just yesterday you told me that we need to communicate about plans. And now you tell me a moment before you leave that you are going out. What if I had plans to go out now?"

W: You're right. I should have told you.

Me: That's not really my point. I'm saying you don't have to tell me and I don't have to tell you.

W, with tears welling in her eyes: No. I want to tell you and I want you to tell me.

Me: OK. But I don't think it's any of my business.

W: OK. Do you need anything at the store?

Me: Nope. Enjoy yourself.

I have no clue what about this conversation made her start to cry. She I can count on one hand the number of times she has cried in front of me about this whole sitch.

Anyway, I settled in to watch a movie. She returned about an hour later and plops down on the couch. Then it's 20 questions. "What are you watching?" "Is it any good?" "What's going on here?" "Are they stranded?" "Isn't Tom Hardy in this?" "Is that Tom Hardy?" "Whoa, who are those guys?" "What are they doing?"

I pause the movie and say: "I'm not trying to be rude here. If you want to watch a movie with me, you are more than welcome to watch a movie with me. Any time. But I'm trying to watch this and I can't keep stopping it to bring you up to speed."

"OK," she said, "You're right."

Now I feel guilty about that exchange. This is hard.

[SteveLW]

Yeah, I am not sure I would have handled it like that. Maybe paused it, brought her up to speed and then started it back up.

DBing is hard. But you want to try to minimize the number of times she feels like something else is more important to you than she is. DBing isn't about putting other things before your spouse, it is about working on you and giving her time to figure out her stuff. Admittedly I don't know much about your sitch, I'll go back and read it, but in general you shouldn't make her feel less important in your life if you can help it.