LoneWlf, thanks for getting the point across. I'll do my best to keep remembering that.
Maika, it's interesting to hear you and some other men on this forum talk about confidence. In general when someone is laughing, smiling, having fun, and enjoying life that is more attractive than even the most attractive person looking miserable so I can see how that works. Also I can see how you'd go for someone that believes in themself and has qualities you admire. I personally don't think I could consider a relationship as more than friends with even the most confident man if I didn't feel a physical attraction although attraction is different for each person. You probably notice many beautiful and confident women but there are reasons why you'd choose certain ones over others right? Currently it feels irrelevant to me whether how I feel or act is attractive to men because I'm not looking to date and my interactions with my husband are too limited for him to really notice if I'm confident or not (although it would likely appear to him that I'm doing fine on my own). I mainly wish I could adapt to my current appearance and not mourn the loss of being younger. I know there's nothing I can do about age. We all have no choice about that. I just have to find some way to not feel so hurt that my husband can simply trade me for a 26 year old and say he's no longer attracted to me as his initial reason for walking away. When the person you love and care about most in the world says that it's difficult to not feel hurt. I'll try to be the best I can be at this time in my life though. When my finances improve I'll try to focus more on hair, wardrobe, etc.. to feel happier as well. I'll try to re-gain confidence but it'll have to be a new kind of confidence that's right for this age and for someone who's been discarded by their husband just after having a child. Maybe more like a survivor type confidence...we'll see.
Arsh, my husband hasn't found a job yet. He says he'll still pay his monthly amount at the end of this month but I'm not sure about what will happen after that. Next week I'm supposed to talk to one of my employers about a full-time position. I'll try asking if they offer 30 - 35 hours per week. I also hope my husband will find a job but this time around he doesn't have me helping him so he's probably making a lot of mistakes in what he says to recruiters and typos on his cover letters.
Kiro, thanks for taking the time to write! I'll try to read your updates more closely. Before I came to this forum I thought a lot of my husband's behavior had to do with him being Middle Eastern but here I see that it happens everywhere. I also thought only men can do this kind of thing but apparently not! There may be some immigration-related issues unique to my situation and my husband may be more immature due to living with his parents up until we married, but yeah, it's not just his culture or place of origin. I agree my husband doesn't deserve a loyal and loving wife after what he's done. I also did a lot of bad things and became a mean and spiteful person in my husband's presence but I never cheated or stopped my responsibilities as a wife. I also treated my husband like a king before we had our daughter. I'd make him elaborate meals, wrap his feet in hot towels and massage them with peppermint oil, surprise him with tickets to his favorite sports teams, co-sign on the cars he wanted, fill out his big family's complicated immigration forms, and the list goes on. Even after we had our daughter I'd still cook for him before myself, only took two weeks of maternity leave so I could keep contributing to my share of the bills, etc.. And I may make it sound like I'm really unattractive here but I wasn't that bad either, so yeah, he probably didn't deserve all that. Especially because when we met he wasn't even successful as a refugee when he tried to leave his country so he literally had nothing and could have died at any time in an attack like many of his friends but I admired who he was as a person and sponsored him to come to the US without even knowing for sure if we'd marry. His response after all that is "I never asked you for any of that." It's not true because he asked for many things but I guess that's what they call re-writing history when there's a fun 26 year old nurse with whom you work who just wants to have a good time without any commitment or responsibilities. I feel like I did let my husband go already. It's just in my mind I wish this isn't really who he is, and I wish he'd wake-up, and we're still married legally, and we still have a daughter, so it's not black-and-white. Perhaps I'm supposed to reach a point where I don't ever want him back but I committed to him as his wife before God and if he passed this time in his life and was truly sorry to the point where he'd do anything I asked him to do to try again, and he proved it over time, then I'd still give him another chance. We were great together before this happened. It was my husband who called me every 30 minutes when we weren't together, who told me I was the best wife in the world, and said how lucky he was, and said how all his friends envied him. This concept of waking up one day and becoming a different person is still difficult to grasp!
Cadet, thanks. I'm trying to keep moving forward even amidst the uncertainty. If we get divorced I'm thinking to take my daughter to Europe next summer and travel around for the whole summer and then maybe stay a few extra months for her to try a kindergarten in our favorite Scandinavian country. Then we'll come back here and I'll start working full-time regardless of my circumstances, get an Au Pair, and start the next chapter of our lives.
I agree that no matter what you must move forward and live your life. Putting your life on hold while waiting for a wayward spouse is not only unhealthy, it's also not a good strategy as a spouse is more likely to be attracted back if you are out living an interesting life.
Now many of us will find out through this process that our WAS is not all we thought they were and decide that reconciliation is not our goal. I still can't get over Nicole's husband saying he wished their daughter had never been born, and I'm still suspicious about a man who got a green card with his marriage then bails just as his long education is starting to show fruit.
Still the truth is you are nowhere near ready to date at present Nicole so there's no problem with watching and seeing what your H does. But if I were you I wouldn't take him back unless he went to counseling and dated you for a year with total transparency. If you take him back too easily this WILL happen again.
KML, Yes. You are exactly right. I am moving forward now but last fall I was stuck while not working and had those health problems so now I can see the difference between waiting and moving forward. .
I do question a lot whether my husband used me for immigration purposes. A lot of my friends from his home country think he did. If he did he was smart about it. He didn't just leave the day after he became a citizen. He waited until his career was established and his family was here. Even then he waited until it was no longer beneficial for him to keep me. After we had our daughter we became a burden in his eyes, so he probably figured that's a good time to leave. No one really knows. Maybe he's mentally ill. Maybe he buckled under stress and just wanted to find an easy way out. Maybe he's deeply ashamed and he's sitting there right now considering coming back to reconcile. No one knows. None of my husband's friends or family members have revealed anything. The psychologist said my husband is lost in life. My gastroenterologist, who was my husband's friend, revealed that my husband opened up to him but he didn't offer specifics. His advice was to move on.
Yes I'm years away from dating, if ever, so I don't need to be divorced for that purpose. I also know you're right about this happening again if I take him back too easily because it already did. I took him back easily the first time and look where we are now?
My guess is we'll get divorced and my husband will live a playboy life until he finally settles down with a super attractive younger woman in ten years and I'll stay single for the next ten years while raising our daughter. Perhaps I'll be surprised and meet a new man someday, but I'm a very pragmatic and realistic person so I know even if I do meet someone again it won't be perfect. It's really great being young and innocent in your 20's imagining the fairy tale life you want to live. For some it really does happen, but for most life is a struggle no matter how hard we work or try to prevent bad things from happening.
There was one thing I forgot to mention to everyone - I was reading the old DB book again. I lost the newer one and accidentally ordered the old one. There's a long chapter in the beginning that talks about all the reasons why divorce is the wrong move. It was hard to read. It would convince anyone to work on their marriage if they read it. I need to re-order the new one to see what it says now. Reconciling with an unloyal wreckless spouse is a huge risk but getting divorced is no picnic either. That's another one of the thoughts that makes me keep waiting just a little longer until one option becomes much clearer than the other.
In general when someone is laughing, smiling, having fun, and enjoying life that is more attractive than even the most attractive person looking miserable so I can see how that works. Also I can see how you'd go for someone that believes in themself and has qualities you admire. I personally don't think I could consider a relationship as more than friends with even the most confident man if I didn't feel a physical attraction although attraction is different for each person. You probably notice many beautiful and confident women but there are reasons why you'd choose certain ones over others right?
Sure, absolutely there has to be physical attraction and some spark for me to consider being beyond more than friends. But what I was saying is that I'd pick someone with confidence and admirable qualities over someone who is conventionally pretty but has no substance. If it was just about hooking up, substance doesn't matter. And then it's a different issue. But for example, I'd go for someone like Cate Blanchett over a younger woman who is still coming into her own as a person and doesn't have the confidence and knows herself well. I know Cate Blanchett is still somewhat conventionally attractive, but that's not why I'd date her. There is something about the way she holds herself and her confidence that would pull me in way more than her age or how she measures up against a 20 something year old. That 20 year old would have to have her $hit together for me to consider dating.
I know women are way more scrutinized as they age compared to men, but look at Helen Mirren. I would definitely be out of her dating zone, but hell I'd go out with her. As a man who is approaching his 40s, I have adapted my sense of style to my age and I don't try to dress like a 20 year old. I have a more classic look and I don't pretend to be young. I appreciate women who do the same.
Anyways, this got longer than I thought. You need to stop comparing yourself to the younger woman. I know it is hard but you need to do that
Agreed. You know my ex married an Asian girl 19 years younger than him. I'm sure he enjoyed the novelty at first of this girlish young thing looking up to him. But I'd bet dollars to donuts he misses my smarts, sense of humor, and extreme capableness in a crisis. And while their age difference didn't seem so bad when she was 32 and he was 51, who knows if she'll still want him when he's 80 and she's a youthful 61? I know I sure as heck wouldn't be dating an 80 year old right now.
Maika, sorry I didn't want to take too much of your time on this subject! I appreciate what you wrote though. The Cate Blancett example is a good one. It's also nice that men like you exist who don't have a cut-off age of 26 for the women you might date. By the way your thread is closed so I couldn't comment there the last time. I guess there are no changes on your end? I hope you're doing well!
I still can't get over Nicole's husband saying he wished their daughter had never been born
Wow! I am really sorry Nicole you had to hear that from your H. I heard the same from my WW. Several times, she said that having kids was a big mistake and that people who decide not to have kids were much smarter. She said the same thing about marriage, commitment, religion, family, etc. She even questioned at some point the idea of monogamy!
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
Nicole - I am glad you brought up the subject because I think when the WS leaves for a younger person, it is so hard not to compare yourself to the young fling and how you might not measure up. I think your feelings on this are really legitimate. I am just saying that you want to separate the 'boys' from the 'men'. Just like I separate the 'girls' from the 'women'. What your H did is what I believe boys do - go after that shiny thing without truly understanding what they want from a partner and what complements them. If someone wants to play the hook-up game, that's a different story completely.
And from what I can read, when you go out in the dating world, you're looking for a man. There are tons of men like me IRL, and even on this forum, that have a more nuanced understanding of what they might want in a relationship or a partner and won't dismiss someone outright, unless things are very obviously not going to line up.
I'll give you an example - I want to be with someone who cares about health, nutrition, and being physically active. They don't need to look like lean cut Crossfit women, but are working towards a healthy lifestyle. And this is not for vanity reasons for me. I want to be with someone who supports me in this and that I can also support too. If a woman doesn't have that, it's not a complete deal-breaker for me, but they would have to bring a lot of other stuff to the relationship for me to not worry about the health stuff. And yes, there needs to be some physical attraction and spark, but that's at a deeper level and not just some lustful attraction, because that's just temporary and fleeting.
Yeh, I stopped at my last thread because there was nothing new to add. Things are pretty much the same. I am in the process of seriously contemplating D and giving myself a little bit of time before I file. I just want to make sure that I am coming from a good place for it rather than being impulsive.
I think this the best way to describe it. And you should leave it at that.
Originally Posted by NicoleR
My guess is we'll get divorced and my husband will live a playboy life until he finally settles down with a super attractive younger woman in ten years and I'll stay single for the next ten years while raising our daughter.
Maybe and maybe not. But regardless, once you move on, you shouldn't worry what he does. But I also believe in Universal Justice. Every injustice done will have a price to pay at some point in time. He may find short-lived pleasures in some playboy relationships, but sooner or later, he will pay the price. This is why each of us needs to hold strongly to our values. It is so easy to fall in the same trap as the Wayward Spouse and start behaving in immature ways that we will regret. I agree that you are probably not ready for a new R, mostly because you don't want to hurt someone by committing too early.
Originally Posted by NicoleR
For some it really does happen, but for most life is a struggle no matter how hard we work or try to prevent bad things from happening.
There is much more in life than relationships and marriage. What happens to a LBS is an opportunity to reevaluate our life and find meaning to our existence. If you are successful in this search, in my opinion, you will find meaning in trying to become a better person, building character, purifying your heart, and doing good in this world. The WAS chose selfishness. We should choose the opposite. Helping others. Becoming generous. Love. Etc.
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
