P.S. If you don't have an hour to give after the kids go to sleep or before they wake up, I would say to even just take ten minutes a day to go for a walk on your own or do something that is out of the house and away from the ugliness, so you can give your mind something else to look at. It's the only way to have a little healing time just for you. It will help you be stronger when you are back in the insane asylum called Home with MLCer.
But honestly I think it's great that she is still there and that if you can muster the courage to be thankful for it until she actually goes, you can take ownership of her, just give her to God and let her come, go, whatever, you are walking your journey with love and joy no matter what she does. (I know, I know, so hard! But it's the goal.)
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Agree with your desire to spend as much time with the kids as possible
But when the kids are not home or asleep
No reason for you to be there
Please please please take care of yourself
You are in the worst of this
And I know how painful that can be
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gerda, you are such a sweetheart. Thank you for the kind words of encouragement. Ive been trying to take time for myself but it is tricky under the current circumstances. I think you are right about it being a good sign that she was still there because her waffling means that she isnt sure about any of her decisions. If she was ready to split and be done then she would have done that quickly, not drag it out over the course of months.
Gordie, thank for the encouragement. I am trying to make time for myself too but just had a hart time unplugging from everything. Im on the verge of having more time because It turns out the evening that I wrote my last comment W stayed at her new place for the first time. I was surprised because she didnt have a bed set up. She slept on her couch. Its hard to understand why sleeping on a couch in an empty house is prefereable to being in the family home. I Kind of understand after reading first hand MLC stories from people who have recovered but it is still pretty crazy.
Since then W has moved almost all her stuff. We spent the weekend splitting up stuff from the house and her moving out. She almost has everything she is taking. I imagine she will be finished today or tomorrow. The other hard part is that the kids have stayed with her at various points in the last few days. Not together at the same time, but separately as they needed rides or to help out with something.
I want my kids to be happy, but secretly and selfishly I want them to not want to go over there. As they get rooms set up over there, they seem to not mind spending time there as much. Not sure if I would admit it anywhere else but it kills me inside that they are ok with going there. I want them to hate it, but I want them to be happy too. We havent even started splitting their time 50 50 yet, how am I ever going to get used to this? The kids havent experienced 50 50 yet either. No telling how they will feel once it starts.
I guess the silver lining will be that with them at her house I will have more me time. I feel like I dont even care about that although I know it is important. I feel like I have detached in the sense that her individual actions and behaviors are not triggering direct emotional responses and I dont feel that anxious depressive feeling, but I do feel sad. Not as much about W, but the loss of family unit and kid time. I want things with W to be better too but I feel like Ive accepted that for what it is. Now I have more to accept.
I think you might be right Gordie, this might be the worst of it.
Well today I am feeling much better than yesterday. The initial shock of splitting all our stuff was difficult, but its just stuff so the feeling faded fairly quickly. Now I have plenty to work on. The walls in the house are bare and so is the living room furniture. Now its time to find some art for the walls, plants to replace the old ones, and some decorative furniture to fill in the gaps in the living room. W took the dining room table too, but the kids want to turn that room in to an art/workout room so that will be a little easier to decorate. I am not an interior designer by any sense, so figuring out my feng shui will be interesting. I have no idea how to decorate the living room. Luckily, this old dog can still learn new tricks.
Next week son has nationals for volleyball in Phoenix. It falls over the 4th so it will be an interesting holiday. I will be taking him. Since he will be with his team for most of the time so I will kind of be running solo most of the time. Any ideas of something to do in Phoenix for someone running solo?
But once I got over the fear I got excited about it
I suggest you do a lot of research before buying
Read online or the library or a bookstore and just browse magazines or sign up to receive decorating catalogues
Google bachelor pad decorating or cool kids rooms and figure out what you love
Give away anything from your old life that does not please you
Rearrange the home and furniture just the way you like and keep changing it until you love it
Best wishes and glad you are feeling better
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Hey Gordie. I'm doing pretty good today. I went for a stretch where I thought I was done. Not in a mad way, just...detached I guess. I was feeling up and was not concerned with W and really could not picture wanting to reconcile. Then, I woke up and felt down. Nothing really happened. Well, that isn't true...I saw my W. We haven't really been talking and I only see her when we exchange the kids. They have mainly been with me, but she finally wanted to start swapping them. So I went for a week with next to no communication (I will respond when she reaches out but she hasn't been doing that) and then saw her to swap the kids. It went fine. We had a little light chit chat and then she left. The next few days I felt really down. No particular thing happened other than me realizing I was not as detached as I thought I was. But today I feel good again.
I still feel so torn over whether to wait this thing out or move on. I mean I know all the things I need to do for myself, but I feel like it wouldn't take much to shift my thinking and just be done with her, whether she comes around or not. I have loved her most of my life, but how can I be with someone who can leave me like that...as if we meant nothing. That isn't love, and even if she comes back around, do I want to be with someone who is capable of doing that? I'm not capable of that and how do I know that if she comes back around at some point she won't do it again. I love her enough to wait, but I'm just not sure if I should.
That's how I've been feeling today. I guess that changes back and forth over time. Been enjoying my time with the kids. we get along so well these days and have lots of fun together. Initially we were eating out a bit, but for the last week I've gotten back in to cooking. Its been nice. Also redecorated the house a little. I'm really starting to like it again. It was looking a bit sparse after she moved out since she took a bunch of stuff.
Thank you guys for being here and offering all the advice and support. I wish I could give half of the advice and support you guys show.
sjohn,sometimes I get on those kicks, but really, what is it you need to decide now? You are not ready to start dating, so really that's the only thing you are missing. You want to feel some kind of confidence in deciding in order to feel better but you don't really have anything to decide right now since you are on your own right now either way. What you need to do is heal, so for now you want to be alone anyway. You need to learn how to let her go, and that will be probably the only way you can allow her back in anyway too. Only time can teach you that.
I am on year five with an in-house prodigal and I think for the first time I am learning how to let him go but it is being helped by the fact that I don't feel that I want to be with my H. I love it when he is out of town and I am trying to leave town more often myself. I just keep walking by faith as far as standing for the marriage, that when the time comes that he wants to come back, I can at that point move to a new way of being, for not I am just not trying to divorce, not thinking of other men, just being on my own, trying to take joy in this life, in my kids when they let me. If my H ever tries to come back, I will be open to it and at that point begin re-opening my heart.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Thanks Gerda. I'm not sure why I feel the need to make a decision now. I think you are right, I might feel like I need to decide in order to help myself move forward. I am moving a little bit, but I think the taste of some minor detachment has caused me to want to make bigger strides in that direction. Realizing that is why I feel that way will help I think. I know that I can't rush my way through healing, even if I may want that. At this point I still have a hard time visualizing any kind of reconciliation, but I guess that does't matter as I probably don't even need to be thinking about that. That line of thinking is keeping me from myself. I can at least say that I don't spend all day thinking about that like I did previously. Now it just pops up here and there and I deal with it as I can. I think I've just been going through a phase the last few days where that has been my line of thinking. Between yesterday and today I can feel myself shifting out of that again...its an ongoing process.
I'm not sure how you have handled a live in for 5 years. You are a pillar of strength and a real inspiration. Thank you for being you and sharing your experiences with me and others. I really just need to focus on being ok with being alone. The last 20 years of a relationship I think has caused me to be addicted to being with someone. I am starting to get used to and like being alone, but I'm still working on feeling that way every day.
