I'm Broken II

[bhappy2]

Would really like an update...

[HelenaJ]

Im sorry you guys, I am SO engrossed in these threads. There are soooo many posts and ive been all over the emotional map reading them. I still have three whole threads to get through....but I think its safe to say that reading them has changed my perspective pretty significantly. Have any of you read any of them? I would imagine its too much of a time investment.
My days are still going by much as they were before. Still no interactions with H. I have my gun class next Saturday. After I finish reading I will need you guys. And I really appreciate you checking up on me.

[bhappy2]

I have some free time tonight and I will continue reading the old threads.

[HelenaJ]

Well I finally finished reading them all. Reading it all back allowed me to see it all so much clearer. And to read again the advice that people have and hear what they were trying to tell me was so surreal because I can see now so much more clearly than I could then.

The crazy part is that I underwent so much personal growth, learned so much and broke some really unhealthy patterns. But when this thing happened at my company party, I was right back emotionally where I was before, like none of my growth had ever occurred! If I look back at the tone of my posts when I first started this thread, it could have been the same girl that started those threads back in 2005!! Rereading that advice and those thoughtful conversations and hearing and seeing my own growth take place over those three or four years was nothing short of amazing.

I will post a current update soon. And bhappy, no worries on reading the old threads unless you find them personally helpful to you. It was a HUGE time investment.

[bhappy2]

H, how are you doing? Please give us an update.

[HelenaJ]

Hi bhappy, thanks for checking in on me. I'm doing ok, some days are good but most are just ok and then of course some also suck. I'm also not 100% certain that my H doesn't know about this site and it makes me hesitant to post too much. Maybe it doesn't even matter.

We're still in limbo, and do not interact but the other night I got a really weird text out of the blue. He said:
"You have been tracking my phone. You are sick. You are the one with a suspect history. I have done nothing to warrant this. I researched why my battery was dying so fast. Guess why? It's constantly sending out a signal. I should be tracking your phone, but I respect your privacy even though I shouldn't. I am so pissed. You have ruined our marriage and continue to play the victim. What have I done to you other than try to make it work time after tie that you disrespected our marriage and crushed me. My blood is boiling. Just yesterday you said I should get my battery checked. What right do you have with your history? You need to do some internal reflection. I guess you need to find something on me to justify your destruction of your marriage. But guess what, it is not happening. I have done NOTHING. Nor will I. I have desire to. I am not like you."

You guys, I am not tracking his phone. At first I didn't even know what he meant, still not sure I do. The text came in at like 4am, he was still up drinking and I happened to be awake enough to feel the text come through on my watch and so I read it. I immediately got up because I was like WTH? He was outside and I told him I am not tracking his phone and I don't even know what he means by that. He said "Oh you don't track the kids phones?" So maybe he's talking about location? I thought maybe he was talking about tracking what he does ON his phone. Anyway, I said yes I track their phones but they have to voluntarily share their location with me?! I said "I don't even know what to say except that I am not tracking your phone and I don't care what you do. We are not a couple anymore."

Anyways, our R is very, very sick. When I read back through my old threads, I could see it much more clearly. I feel really guilty for my part in the downfall and that guilt and shame has kept me in a position where I take more responsibility than belongs to me. I can see that now. I don't know that H ever will as he consistently maintains that everything is my fault, I am sick, he's done nothing, etc. It's like a broken record at this point.

I went to my handgun class last Saturday and it was really good for me, I learned a lot and am now comfortable taking my gun out of the safe and unloading/reloading it. I will be going back to the range for a few practice sessions before I take the next class because I am still not entirely comfortable with the grip and it takes me too long to get it right. I'm terrified of slide bite bc I'm a big baby so I take a long time making sure my grip is right lol.

We are headed to our hometown for a family vacation toward the end of next week. I have a lot of anxiety about it but until I am ready to tell the kids about this mess, they don't understand why we wouldn't do what we always do, which is go on our usual vacation. Plus my Mom still lives there and she is getting so unhealthy, I just don't know how many more summers she will be around so it's very important for them to see her. I have adapted to our "situation" in our surroundings and in our usual routine. When we go outside of that, it is typically very very hard for me to cope with. So, I am expecting to have to repress and hide a lot of emotions until we can get back home. Ugh.

[NicoleR]

Helena, sounds like your husband was too drunk to know what he was talking about. I'd just dismiss him and not engage if I were you. You're brave to take a handgun class! I hope that becomes a good hobby for you. I hope the family vacation goes as well as expected. Perhaps you can spend time with your mom and it'll help take your mind off everything. I know the challenge of repressing your emotions. That happened on our last family trip last summer before my husband announced another separation. It's hard to enjoy any trip under these circumstances but your mom will be so happy to see you and your kids!

[MMM12]

It almost sounds like he is coming up with anything to make this seem like your fault, so that he doesn't feel as bad. My exF is doing the same thing.

I've also been thinking about taking a concealed carry class. Just for fun. I don't even own a gun. :-)

[LoneWlf]

Helena, I hope your vacation back home turns out well. Take the time to enjoy your mom while she is still around. Be thankful to be around friends and family and soak in all the LOVE that everybody gives you. If you can -consider it a time to recharge. BTW I myself was closest to my mom and took care of her when she was very sick - enjoy those moments. I often replay them just to remember her. Anyways, I hope all of it works out to your benefit. Blessings!

[HelenaJ]

Nicole, I pretty much did dismiss it bc I think you're right. It was just another drunken text telling me how sick and terrible I am. I acknowledged it in the moment and told him I'm not tracking his phone. It hasn't been discussed since. Personally, I'd be embarrassed, but that's me.

MMM12, H is very much in the assigning blame phase and I do believe he'll spend the rest of his life there. At this point, I'm questioning more what HE would have to do in order to ever get this R back on track. He's been so cruel and I'm not sure he's capable of love in the same way most of us give and receive it. He's absolutely a covert and introverted narcissist although I don't say that often bc people like to try to argue against it. Plus there's really no need to label him, he is what he is.

The handgun class was definitely good for me, if you have any interest in it, you should definitely try it. It takes your mind off of everything else bc you have to be fully present in what you're doing. When H and I went through problems many years ago, I took a karate class and made it to green belt. It was the same type of thing, you have to be fully present so you just forget everything else. I quit when H and I reconciled bc we started building a house and then I got pregnant.

H spends his days using an incredible amount of energy to be upbeat and happy, 99% of the time I feel like his parenting is simply to manipulate the kids and/or to put on a show in front of me. He absolutely must be the preferred parent at all times and if there is a flicker that perhaps he is not, he will step up gifts/affection/etc. I often wonder what he would be like and how he would act if I wasn't here. Last night I was sitting on the couch with S6 and he wanted H to come cuddle him also, so H sits on the end of the couch and pulls S6 all the way toward him. A few minutes later I got up and went into the bedroom. I just can't stand being around him, I really can't.