Husband left for the second time - 5

[LoneWlf]

Nicole, Kml, I going to give you my perspective. I consider myself average on the looks scale. When I am fit as I am now-0 I receive alot of compliments. Many people say I have an exotic look. I often get asked if I am anything from Indigenious, Hawaiian,South American to Asian because I am very tanned. It is very flattering especially now to get womans attention and nice compliments provide a small ego boost. From my own experiences I have dated women that were high maintenance. Although stunning on the outside were super shallow on the inside. My W is such a plain Jane. No make up- simple hairstyle (salt and pepper) and very little accessories. I truly fell in Love with her heart. Why I have become so heart broken is because I would have had the most beautiful love story for my future grand children of how Grandpa and Grandma met.
I serve at my church as an usher. I attended regularly - My W approached me and asked for my number. I thought nothing of it thinking friendship. It was around Christmas time. We had planned to meet on a first date at a mall as I was doing my shopping close to Christmas. This date never happened because while I was waiting on the 1st floor she was waiting on the second. She reached out to me again before Christmas when I found out she was to spend Christmas alone because she had to work and her family was 4 hours away. My mom taught me to always extend a hand of friendship to those in need. I invited her to my family Christmas party where my family warmly welcomed her. This is where I found out she was separated and worked at a group home for men with aquired brain injuries (from strokes to car accidents). Not thinking of relationships we began to hang out. She was alot different then my previous dates. More plain, quiet, introverted but with a strong faith. I played alot of sports basketball, volleyball and baseball and dated women from the coed league. My W was just plain. Anyways as we continued hanging out (dating) my dad at the time had his first stroke. After about 2 years of dating and my dad having 2nd stroke which left his whole left side immobile. My W looks to me and says " Let's move closer to your Dad your mom is getting old -I want to take care of him". It was at that exact moment I felt I needed to marry this woman. So my next birthday- having a strong friendship with the priest. I asked my priest if he would allow me into the empty church that nite for a birthday prayer with my at the time GF. We went to the alter said a prayer and then I took her to the spot where we met. Right by the stained glass window with Jesus and the inscription "Come Follow Me"- I bent down on one knee and asked W for my special bday present- I want you to be my Wife. She said yes and we started planning for marriage.We worked together to get her 1st marriage annulled and got the next available date to marry from our priest. I cannot script this any better. We got married - took a honeymoon Caribbean cruise and almost 9 months to the day-we were blessed with my S. I often call him my Caribbean honeymoon souveneir. Telling this story makes me both happy to share but sad that things have gone south.
My point here is I feel it is the looks that initially get us (men) . But it is the substance ( from within) that keep us. My own personal feelings is although attractiveness ranks high because men are mostly visual creatures. True beauty radiates from within. That is why I fell so hard from my W. And this is why with my recent interactions with her and her actions after BD why I fell alot less attracted to her. Anyways only my take ( sorry to hijack your thread).

[arsh18]

Nicole the way your WH is right now, he reeks of irresponsibility, immaturity and selfishness. There is no beauty in the world that can cover the stench of the inner decay in personalities. Have you read the MLC for dummies thread in the MLC forum, try it its really funny painfully so but does make you giggle. They even talk about LBS losing weight
On my thread you spoke about how you feel the void after your H left. I forget from your past posts, how long after BD did he move out this time around? How was the atmosphere at home with D before he left? Do you think with the new place the void seems lesser now?
And as for you, indulge in some self care and retail therapy. Even for a minute looking at yourself you feel good, that one minute of happiness is worth it at this phase of our lives. You have a D, she will notice when you dress up, she will compliment you, that will make your day. Any little bits of joy we get now we should lap it up. - arshi

[KitCat]

Nicole - I promised you a nice story... here it goes.

I have a dear male friend who met someone who really got him. It was probably the most serious relationship he had ever been in and this man was in his late twenties/early thirties. But, ultimately she broke it off and then he could clearly see what happened. There was intense back and forth as she even showed up one night stating they could run off and marry in Vegas but she disappeared again. He was crushed... really crushed. She was his first real true big love in life. He struggled in trying to find ways to get over her.

She went on to become pregnant and marry another man though she was still in touch with my friend and he still loved her. Eventually he told her he couldn't stay in contact any longer as it was too painful. She continued in her life as married and a mother now.

He moved on. He continued to work his job and let it carry him to two other states. He had his good friends and he did his best at dating. It was hard it first. Everyone compared to this woman was once smitten with but he managed to date and even let himself try a serious relationship again though ultimately he had to admit to the woman that he wasn't as committed as she was. He got to the point he was living his life and finding his happy places.

A series of events and there was contact again. It was now 10yr later.... A friendly update contact about something they had in common though she was now divorced and he was still living his life for himself. It opened the door and they started discovering what they enjoyed and missed about each other. I feel my male friend was very hesitant and cautious about this recent state.

I can now tell you that they have been married now for just over 2 years and have a young toddler too boot! They have come full circle and seem so enamored with each other and their life in general.

So yes Nicole its possible for people to have a future but the only way it happened for these two is that they each had to let go and move on - they had to detatch, they had to be full and happy people on their own before they truly found happiness with each other.

I see you still living in your past quite a bit. Still talking about the person or way your H used to be... and more recently seeing you stating how you would have to change to so your H could stay with you. You don't have to change and honestly you changing so your H will stay is the perfect ingredient for failure. Of course, if you have certain behaviors that may have caused some demise in your relationship by all means work on those, but if you are not a woman of make up and high fashion you need not adopt that lifestyle if that isn't who you are. I've know plenty of knock down gorgeous men who were with fairly plan janes --- it was always like WHAT??? In one case there was a connection through childhood, another it was because the girl was very smart and could carry on a very good conversation and that she was into some of his unique hobbies. These gorgeous men were devoted to their girls. These girls were confident... they were often very homely in just appearance but these men were attracted to other qualities.

Nicole your H has always been good looking. You seem to feel that you are not of the caliber of these "other" women" but your H dated and married you. I have no doubt during those times you never compared yourself to these "others". You were confident in who you were... and that is the most attractive quality in any person.

The best advice I ever got in relationships is from my male friend who's story I just shared with you. Years before there was to ever be a reconciliation with his love he would often make time to hear about my broken heart. And one day I just blurted out why do I just sound like a broken record??? And, he said, you will get over this when you decide your ready to get over this. He was kind and wasn't judging. He would always just listen. He would offer words of encouragement and suggestions but he was was right. One day I realized it was enough and I moved on.

You will get there too Nicole. I think your relationship and state of affairs is at a point where you are going to need to move on. I don't know what your future holds but right now your H is living his own life on his terms. The only reason there is contact at all is because of a mutual child. Now I encourage or actually beg you to do everything possible on your end so that your D can have the best relationship possible with your H. That will be hard to do... I mean really you are raising her as a solo parent at the moment AND you now have to go above and beyond to help facilitate a relationship for her and your H? YES... Yes you do... that is always what you do as a parent. You always put every single need of your D above your own agenda. It will not be easy to being doing 75% of the work in that while he skates by doing 25% but the ultimate goal is for your daughters mental well being. You will sleep better at night if they have a truly wonderful relationship even though it only happened because of you. That is the best gift you can give your D. Many times its learning how to work in the background... you have already learned that "guilting", "demanding" and "belittling" into getting your H to spend time with you D DOES NOT work. Stepping aside and being available when he brings it up does. No that's not giving him control. Of course you should have boundaries... he cannot call at last minute or weird times to have his D but you have seen that the less you demand of him the more available he is... you are figuring this out!!!!

It will make it so much harder to detach... been there/done that when you are dealing with kids in a broken relationship but you can get there and you will know it when you do! You will realize one day you are doing all the normal stuff but you just don't respond to the button pushing and you literally don't care about their drama. There will be a brief moment you get to sit back and giggle a bit because they will see the shift. They will be confused that your actions aren't the same. They will try to stir the pot because maybe they didn't do something right... but then nope that doesn't work either. They will be so confused!!!! They will chase but you will hopefully be in a better place to make good decisions based on what is really going on versus just jumping at the first temp check.

My H and I are doing fine. Its not perfect but it wasn't before either!!! We certainly hit a very low spot in our M but it wasn't as far gone as many on here. It was just a perfect storm of the oldest leaving school and joining the military (my H was military and certainly disciples like he is military but did not want his son to be military), mid life questions, M is slipping away, etc. I did my work and we got back on track. Of course he also got a new fishing boat for 16K and as of this weekend a new $20K motorcycle... sigh... Men... are just teenagers with money... :-) He is finding himself in the next stage of life. AND, now he needs to find me some new furniture and some outdoor landscaping to go with it!!! :-)

I don't see your H returning until you have really detached and moved on. I think Nicole still has to find herself and figure out where her value is in all this rather than changing herself into what she thinks her H wants.

You can do this!

[NicoleR]

Hi everyone, I wish I could have responded sooner! It was a busy and tiring last couple of days. In a sense I overdid the "GAL" aspect of DB and my daughter and I are just exhausted. You were all kind enough to write such long and caring responses. I'll try to respond to them each very shortly (like in the next hour or two). Thanks so much.

[NicoleR]

KML, it's a good observation about the contrasts between seeking out attractive vs. unattractive partners. It's nice to hear your ex-bf still seeks you out! It sounds like you also well understand the cheating mindset among physicians although we know they're not all like that. Regarding looking better for myself - I'm trying but need to try more. Prior to having my daughter I wore a suit to work with makeup every day and had really beautiful hair with highlights. Since then I've been working-from-home so I don't have as much need to look good every day and my budget has been tighter. As soon as I recover financially from this past year I'll do more. I was even looking into a procedure called Pelleve for under my eyes because some of the lines are worse than other people my age due to crying and allergies. I do wear makeup most days but I have allergies to most eye makeup so I can't wear it consistently. I need to find a new dermatologist to advise on this issue. Overall I do wish to feel that I'm the best that I can be, even if it's not comparable to the Victoria's Secret type that my husband goes for.

Vanilla, I really appreciate the way you write. It always brings a laugh and smile. Maybe because you're from the UK and you use different phrases than we use here in the US but it's really funny. You have a way with words! I haven't been able to find your original thread but I'll search again. It's encouraging to hear you were once in this position and you were able to move on and feel better. You're right about everything you write. My husband is currently attractive on the outside but not on the inside, although the version of him that I married was heroic, kind, attentive, and generous. It's definitely his desire to cheat and the many opportunities to do so that are to blame. It's also true that I was the only American woman he'd ever met when we met in his home country where women are mostly fully covered, but I was a conservative American woman which meant I was respected. In that part of the world a lot of men would love to have a fling with an easy scantily dressed woman but they wouldn't respect or marry such a woman. I, on the other hand, was the type that men in that culture would marry. So my husband was really happy with me at that time although it's still possible he was using me for immigration purposes. I'll never fully know because we stayed married for so long after he became a citizen but it's possible he always had a plan to leave once enough time passed. Anyway I generally feel that who I am as a person is beautiful. I care about children and animals. My career is focused on helping reduce poverty and conflict in the world. I recycle and care about the environment. I try to help others and give more than I receive. At my daughter's schools both here and in our old state the toddlers would run over to me and start talking which I noticed doesn't happen with the other moms. I eat healthy and don't have any alcohol or caffeine and little salt and sugar. I don't know. I feel I try and I feel I'm probably beautiful as a person, just not to my husband. I also did a lot of bad things to my husband that were out-of-character because I got so frustrated with him these past few years. But I'll do as you say and practice more self-love and hope to feel less hurt by my husband's rejection. Sometimes it feels like you could be anyone in the world but a man would easily dismiss you for a fun, easy, young sex object but I guess you can reach a point where you don't care anymore. I'm glad Vanilla that you've overcome many of your own challenges and see bad behavior for what it is.

LoneWlf, I'm sure you're a handsome guy. That's still a beautiful story about how you and your wife met and married even if it ends prematurely. I like how she met your family at Christmas! It's like it was meant to be and she went straight to being accepted by them. She also sounds lovely for wanting to help care for your father. Your proposal also sounds amazing and I love that it took place in a church. It's hard to believe your wife turned into who she is now. It doesn't make sense. I'm sure your wife is also beautiful on the outside but it's reaffirming to know you loved who she was as a person. I know there are a good men like you out there. I also believe the bitterness, resentment, and sarcasm I displayed towards my husband after he started to pull away further facilitated his loss of attraction to me. That's why I'm sorry for my behavior I have worked to change. If your wife would want to change and be the beautiful woman she used to be both inside and outside I bet you could be attracted to her again. I still feel we can learn from our mistakes, forgive and be forgiven, and have second chances but it can only happen when both partners are willing to try as we all know well.

Arsh, yes my husband is immature. That's the word that my friends in real life use. My husband's second BD was mid-August last year and two weeks later we were living separately. We were living in a temporary vacation home last summer while we waited for our new house to be done. Then my husband moved to the house and my daughter and I to an apartment. Initially my husband said he wanted to separate and he'd stay in the house to finish the final details and then we'd try to fix our marriage and my daughter and I would move into the house. Then that never happened and he wouldn't allow us to move into the house. The apartment we stayed in was really bad. Now we're in a nice apartment in our new city but it's still nothing compared to the house we built. Before my husband's second BD things were actually improving. We were excited about our new house and we were all sleeping together in the same bed last summer in part because we were afraid our daughter would fall out of the other bed during the night so she slept between us. But we'd go to bed all together and wake up all together. One night last July my husband said something mean and I said (insincerely) he could go live in the new house alone and he was so upset. He said "No! Don't say that!" So until the night that he came back from the psychologist last summer I don't think he was planning to separate again but he wasn't willing to put in the effort to fix the marriage either. It's a complicated dynamic. The void now is the same as it was before. We live in a different place and we're busy and active with friends, colleagues, neighbors, and relatives but wherever we go we're surrounded by happy complete families as I often write. I still have yet to meet a single parent (I'll try to find a new MeetUp group but the one here is waitlisted). At the end of the day I'm still alone. I can't plan fun dates to the movies or to a restaurant or walk in a park holding hands with anyone because I don't have a husband and I'm not dating either. There's a void that can't be filled but my daughter and I are doing the best we can do. We have each other and we don't depend on my husband. My daughter is happy right now, but someday she'll figure out that she was abandoned by her father and she'll be hurt. I hope you'll feel less of a void when your husband leaves but it's hard. I hope it'll get better for us both as time passes.

KitKat, that's a happy story about your friend marrying the woman he loved after so many years of them being apart. It sounds like the way he felt about that woman is how I feel about my husband. I'm glad it worked out for them to marry later on. It sounds like an issue of timing and they finally connected at the right time. It sounds like this man was also a good friend to you and had a lot of empathy when you were going through a rough time. Thanks for your encouragement. I'm not sure what more I can do action-wise to move on right now. From an outer appearance I've moved on. I don't even talk much about my situation to my friends and colleagues anymore because they've already heard the story and they've lost interest and I don't see any value in bringing it up. I don't call my husband or depend on him for anything except financial support which is now in jeopardy because he lost his job. I don't see my husband often now that we live 1,000 miles away. I've done counseling for almost a year. I've done more GAL in the past few months than in all of my youth (at least that's how it feels). I'm not sure what more I can do. I think it sounds worse on this forum because this is really the only place now where I talk about this issue. I feel that all of my hopes and dreams have been wiped away this past year. It's not just my husband who is gone but everything we built together and worked towards for a decade is gone. I went from being financially stable in at least an upper middle class standing to barely scraping by. The business I started is gone. Our plans to give our daughter a great life are gone. I turned 40 and I'm suddenly single. I think the part where I'm stuck is that we're still legally married. There's still that small window of opportunity for my husband to wake up and realize what he's doing before we go through all the paperwork and process of divorce but I don't see any signs of that happening. He's been nicer. Things between us have been normalizing. When he visits we're able to smile together and play with our daughter which makes her happy. He hasn't mentioned divorce now since March so on one hand things are better and I'm much happier now than I was before we moved. On the other hand he shows no interest in reconciling as married partners. Whatever happens in the future we didn't do the immediate divorce my husband wanted in January which would have been so devastating so I'm thankful for that. But on the other hand all those hopes and dreams are still gone - even if we try to start over it'll be a totally different life. And until we divorce or reconcile there's a void that can't be filled, but I'm trying to have patience and fill my life and my daughter's life with many different people and activities. I'm glad we moved and got established here before my husband lost his job because he paid all our expenses to make this happen and now he wouldn't be able to do that. I do sound like a broken record probably because I'm still trying to stabilize and process all these changes. I can definitely see what a bad person my husband has been especially compared to what I see all around me. There's another man in my life who would be better than my husband, and I know he feels the same about me, but our circumstances prevent us from being together and I doubt we'll ever have that chance. I don't really know what else do to except allow time to pass while I raise my daughter, pursue my career, focus on faith, and keep building a strong and diverse social network. I wish there was one more thing I could do and it would fix everything and I'd forget about my husband forever but I haven't found it. Maybe if I accidentally fell in love unexpectedly with another man it would change everything, but in real life even if that happened my daughter is #1 and I'm not willing to sacrifice much of my time with her to spend with another man. I'm glad you and your husband are doing fine and found a solution that works for both of you. If your husband is happy with his purchases and he can make you happy too then that's as much as you can ask for in life! It's important to never take for granted the love of our spouse when we're married. I'm glad things worked out for you. I have no idea about my future but I'll always remain open to reconciling with my husband if the circumstances are right and he's willing to do the work. We'll see how it goes.

[LoneWlf]

Thanks for the compliment Nicole.The point i wanted you to get from my story is-
My point here is I feel it is the looks that initially get us (men) . But it is the substance ( from within) that keep us. My own personal feelings is although attractiveness ranks high because men are mostly visual creatures. True beauty radiates from within.
You seem like a very well balanced individual, with good ethics and morals.Very intelligent in your comments and analysis. Responsible and kind hearted are other words I would describe you. My point is your beauty radiates from within. Believe that!

[Maika]

I will add to the awesome points that LW just did and what my particular preferences are generally. Yes, 'attractive' women from what the Western world tells us have to look a certain way. And because men are so heavily socialized that way, that initially gets our interest, but if there is no substance behind the looks, doesn't matter. If one is just looking for sex, then there is no reason to worry about substance.

What is the most attractive thing to me is vibrant confidence. I would date a woman who exudes that confidence in how she carries herself and how she has her own style and appearance over a traditionally 'attractive woman'. Confidence, not arrogance or being egotistical, is one that gets me the most and is the most endearing quality I find. I've heard it also goes the same way for men.

But yeh. Gain that confidence and swagger Nicole! You'll be unstoppable.

[arsh18]

How is WH’s job hunt going Nicole? Is he able to support you both financially during this ??- arshi

[kiro]

Hi Nicole

Wow! You’re already at your 5th thread! I think you once replied to a post on my thread. I tried to read your story but I couldn’t read everything. I just read your first post in each of the 5 threads Anyway, I’m sure you got plenty of great advice from the others.

I just wanted to highlight a few things that came to my mind while reading:

1. Not sure why you keep repeating that your H is middle eastern. Trust me: this has nothing to do with his behaviour. You could have been middle eastern and him American and he would have behaved the same way.

2. I’m sure you know by now that this has nothing to do with you and all to do with him. I’m sure everyone told you that in your 5 threads

3. You have been very very patient and very forgiving. I am not sure any person deserves that much patience, love and kindness while behaving in such disrespectful way. I don’t think this man deserves you.

4. You are right that his behavior could affect your child in some way, but I’m sure it will be better for her to have a happy mom, which will only happen when you let him go.

5. I know that you came to this forum seeking advice for restoring your M and not to hear people say you should move on, but his repeated behavior over such a long time seem to be really deep in his character. It would be a totally different story if this had happened after your child was a grown up.

My 2 cents! It is sad to see people like that, but at least you can be proud of who you are.

P.S. I am no expert in any of this. These are just opinions. I could be totally wrong

[Cadet]

5. I know that you came to this forum seeking advice for restoring your M and not to hear people say you should move on, but his repeated behavior over such a long time seem to be really deep in his character.

Let me tweak this advice slightly.

First of all STANDING is NOT STILL.

Don't MOVE ON - but you must MOVE FORWARD.

Figure out what that means for you and keep taking steps forward, sometimes back but try to keep moving.