Advice Needed To Deal With WW - Part 3

[Bewas]

Part 3 of my journey with a WW - GAL but still detaching.

Link to the last thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2797362#Post2797362

[Bewas]

Well, I'm continuing my GAL today with paintballing Feels better getting out doing things I haven't done in awhile!

My W is dropping off my S tonight for my week with him. I've missed him. I still can't understand how she doesn't think this is going to affect negatively him going forward. It's was always the same from her ..."my parents got divorced and I turned out fine" (yeah...sure you did...) or "lots of kids grow up through divorce" (yeah and have issues throughout life because of it). Oh well, I guess she will do and say whatever in her own mind to justify what she is doing to her family.

[LoneWlf]

"my parents got divorced and I turned out fine" (yeah...sure you did...) or "lots of kids grow up through divorce"

You know B- I hear that often too and I still don't understand it. How can a child benefit from D? I understand that the child may have to overcome adversity but I'm tired of people saying -they will be ok. Ask a child if they are ok with this ping pong match with mom and dad. One day at moms next day at dads.


Some short term effects of D
If your child is too young to understand the situation fully he or she might feel guilty or responsible for the divorce.
Your child may become increasingly aggressive, violent and/or uncooperative, lashing out at both you and your partner, his or her friends and teachers
Or, he or she may become emotionally needy out of fear of being abandoned.
Your child may begin exhibiting “hermit-like” behavior and/or become depressed.
Feelings of anger and resentment may surface and be directed towards both you and your former spouse/partner for deciding to split-up.
He or she may lose the ability to concentrate which could then affect school work and academic performance.
Intense feelings of grief and loss may arise, or
You may notice the occurrence, re-emergence or increase of bedwetting if your child is younger.

Long Term effects of D

be less educated.
experience poverty and/or socio-economic disadvantage.
exhibit anti-social behavior as well as other behavioral problems.
suffer from drug and/or alcohol addictions.
get married or cohabit at an earlier age.
become teenage parents or conceive a child outside of marriage,or experience separation and/or divorce themselves.

Every child will react differently to the situation and you may find that your child continues acting normally despite the divorce. However, to avoid any of these problems from occurring, or at least to try and lessen the impact of the divorce on your child, you must ensure that he or she does not get caught in the middle of the divorce and try to maintain a close relationship with your child as well as ensure constant communication.

Now how do they benefit from this?

[mtb1981]

My W is dropping off my S tonight for my week with him. I've missed him. I still can't understand how she doesn't think this is going to affect negatively him going forward. It's was always the same from her ..."my parents got divorced and I turned out fine" (yeah...sure you did...) or "lots of kids grow up through divorce" (yeah and have issues throughout life because of it). Oh well, I guess she will do and say whatever in her own mind to justify what she is doing to her family.

My W says the same things. I also get ,"I come from a divorced family. You don't. So you need to trust me that I know what's best for the kids." Really? The majority of her issues stem from her childhood and being neglected/passed around by her parents. Unfortunately our views towards marriage and divorce are different. I have always been pro marriage and anti divorce. She has claimed that because her parents have divorced multiple times, she doesn't want to do that. Before we got married, she mentioned many times that divorce would not be an option for her because she wanted something better than what her parents had and gave her. Yet here we are. Family background has a lot to do with it in my opinion. My parents have been married for 43 years. Her mom, dad, and grandma are all on their third marriages. With that being the example that was set for her, it's no wonder she views marriage as disposable (even though she said the opposite before we got married). It doesn't help that these are the people giving her marriage advice either. When time get tough, instead of encouraging her to work things out, they tell her that she needs to do whatever it takes to be happy...

[Bewas]

"my parents got divorced and I turned out fine" (yeah...sure you did...) or "lots of kids grow up through divorce"

You know B- I hear that often too and I still don't understand it. How can a child benefit from D? I understand that the child may have to overcome adversity but I'm tired of people saying -they will be ok. Ask a child if they are ok with this ping pong match with mom and dad. One day at moms next day at dads.


Some short term effects of D
If your child is too young to understand the situation fully he or she might feel guilty or responsible for the divorce.
Your child may become increasingly aggressive, violent and/or uncooperative, lashing out at both you and your partner, his or her friends and teachers
Or, he or she may become emotionally needy out of fear of being abandoned.
Your child may begin exhibiting “hermit-like” behavior and/or become depressed.
Feelings of anger and resentment may surface and be directed towards both you and your former spouse/partner for deciding to split-up.
He or she may lose the ability to concentrate which could then affect school work and academic performance.
Intense feelings of grief and loss may arise, or
You may notice the occurrence, re-emergence or increase of bedwetting if your child is younger.

Long Term effects of D

be less educated.
experience poverty and/or socio-economic disadvantage.
exhibit anti-social behavior as well as other behavioral problems.
suffer from drug and/or alcohol addictions.
get married or cohabit at an earlier age.
become teenage parents or conceive a child outside of marriage,or experience separation and/or divorce themselves.

Every child will react differently to the situation and you may find that your child continues acting normally despite the divorce. However, to avoid any of these problems from occurring, or at least to try and lessen the impact of the divorce on your child, you must ensure that he or she does not get caught in the middle of the divorce and try to maintain a close relationship with your child as well as ensure constant communication.

Now how do they benefit from this?

So far, my S is far too little to show a lot of effects thus far. I have noticed though, especially when W and I were still living together, he started having a lot of night terrors which was abnormal for him. I'm positive he knew something was wrong.

The list of effects is worrying to say the least...

I'm going to do as much as I possibly can to negate them to the best of my ability.

Children benefit in no way due to D. WW are simply delusional to think otherwise. Or anyone that thinks that.

Thanks for the input LoneWlf!

[Bewas]

My W is dropping off my S tonight for my week with him. I've missed him. I still can't understand how she doesn't think this is going to affect negatively him going forward. It's was always the same from her ..."my parents got divorced and I turned out fine" (yeah...sure you did...) or "lots of kids grow up through divorce" (yeah and have issues throughout life because of it). Oh well, I guess she will do and say whatever in her own mind to justify what she is doing to her family.

My W says the same things. I also get ,"I come from a divorced family. You don't. So you need to trust me that I know what's best for the kids." Really? The majority of her issues stem from her childhood and being neglected/passed around by her parents. Unfortunately our views towards marriage and divorce are different. I have always been pro marriage and anti divorce. She has claimed that because her parents have divorced multiple times, she doesn't want to do that. Before we got married, she mentioned many times that divorce would not be an option for her because she wanted something better than what her parents had and gave her. Yet here we are. Family background has a lot to do with it in my opinion. My parents have been married for 43 years. Her mom, dad, and grandma are all on their third marriages. With that being the example that was set for her, it's no wonder she views marriage as disposable (even though she said the opposite before we got married). It doesn't help that these are the people giving her marriage advice either. When time get tough, instead of encouraging her to work things out, they tell her that she needs to do whatever it takes to be happy...

My W was very much the same in that she said she would always rather work through our problems than divorce. I came from a much more stable upbringing like you. My father passed away when I was a teenager but other than that, there were almost no divorces or other family shakeups on my side of the family that I can think of. When I married my W, it was for life almost no matter what. It would have taken a lot from her to get me to ask for a D. She was always the same before...until the BD and her overnight personality change that is.

One difference with your sitch and mine is that her family have 100% rejected her decision and it has completely blown up in her face due to her recent behavior. They certainly aren't giving her that kind of encouragement or advice. That's a positive I think. Her new friends on the other hand...that's a different story.

Thanks Mtb!

[AnotherStander]

My W is dropping off my S tonight for my week with him. I've missed him. I still can't understand how she doesn't think this is going to affect negatively him going forward. It's was always the same from her ..."my parents got divorced and I turned out fine" (yeah...sure you did...) or "lots of kids grow up through divorce" (yeah and have issues throughout life because of it).

Well she's not wrong about that, lots of kids come from divorced parents and grow up just fine. Would it be better for the kids to keep the M intact? Of course, definitely. But life is full of adversity and we all have to deal with it and keep moving forward. Kids survive D, terrible injuries and illnesses, deaths in the family, broken hearts from relationships, etc. It's part of growing up. As parents we want nothing more than to shield them from the pain of life, but we can't. All we can do is support and nurture them as they go through it. If our spouse leaves us then we need to double down on being the best parent we can to help soften the blow to the kids, which can be particularly tough when we're struggling to deal with it ourselves.

Oh well, I guess she will do and say whatever in her own mind to justify what she is doing to her family.

She may say that but inside she knows it's hurting them and she more than likely does feel terrible about it. But yes she will say things like that to try and make it seem like everything is OK. Avoid telling her that it's hurting them though, because the more you try to guilt-trip her then the more adamant she will be that it's best for the kids.

[Bewas]

My W is dropping off my S tonight for my week with him. I've missed him. I still can't understand how she doesn't think this is going to affect negatively him going forward. It's was always the same from her ..."my parents got divorced and I turned out fine" (yeah...sure you did...) or "lots of kids grow up through divorce" (yeah and have issues throughout life because of it).

Well she's not wrong about that, lots of kids come from divorced parents and grow up just fine. Would it be better for the kids to keep the M intact? Of course, definitely. But life is full of adversity and we all have to deal with it and keep moving forward. Kids survive D, terrible injuries and illnesses, deaths in the family, broken hearts from relationships, etc. It's part of growing up. As parents we want nothing more than to shield them from the pain of life, but we can't. All we can do is support and nurture them as they go through it. If our spouse leaves us then we need to double down on being the best parent we can to help soften the blow to the kids, which can be particularly tough when we're struggling to deal with it ourselves.

Oh well, I guess she will do and say whatever in her own mind to justify what she is doing to her family.

She may say that but inside she knows it's hurting them and she more than likely does feel terrible about it. But yes she will say things like that to try and make it seem like everything is OK. Avoid telling her that it's hurting them though, because the more you try to guilt-trip her then the more adamant she will be that it's best for the kids.

Well, I think that yes, of course kids will have to deal with adversity growing up, that's just part of life. Some will turn out fine but others will carry it with them growing up and throughout life. The main issue I have with statements from her like that is she herself is so very far from "fine" and is just so blind to it. I believe she has been affected by it her entire life whether she admits it or not. Her sisters say they've been affected by it a lot their whole lives so I'm sure she is the same. To do it willingly to your own S for no good reason is disgusting to me. I do plan on being the best parent I possibly can be to my S to help him through this regardless of outcome.

I'm far removed from trying to convince her of anything anymore. I believe that yes, deep down she too knows it's wrong but is either powerless to stop herself or is just convincing herself it's fine anyway that she can.

[TBSakaJ9]

Be there for your son and you have to let her be. Very early on my oldest D was crying in the car because she missed mommy. I thought I needed to let her know since it is her D as well. When I told my EW it went in one ear, out the other, and she acted like it was no big deal.....she just stared at me with this blank look on her face. Saying anything will do no good.......unless your S is really struggling you just need to handle it.

I think they know it's wrong but they are making the choice to do what they are doing and I do believe they are fully aware of their actions. They probably care, they just don't care enough to stop or do anything different because I think it is at the core who they are as people.

Looking back my EW has always been selfish..........she is just now selfish on steroids.

[Bewas]

Well, today is my birthday...not exactly the happiest of birthdays considering the circumstances unfortunately...

I did end up doing a lot for my birthday early over the weekend and it was fun and I do plan on getting out tonight after work. I think I'll probably be more affected by the situation today than normal. I'm not sure if it was due to it or not but I had one of the worst sleeps last night in the last month. I had been sleeping much better of late otherwise. This will be the first birthday I've had without her in 12 years...still, I need to focus the best I can on detaching and just enjoying the day for what it is.

It will be tough today though...

[Bewas]

Be there for your son and you have to let her be. Very early on my oldest D was crying in the car because she missed mommy. I thought I needed to let her know since it is her D as well. When I told my EW it went in one ear, out the other, and she acted like it was no big deal.....she just stared at me with this blank look on her face. Saying anything will do no good.......unless your S is really struggling you just need to handle it.

I think they know it's wrong but they are making the choice to do what they are doing and I do believe they are fully aware of their actions. They probably care, they just don't care enough to stop or do anything different because I think it is at the core who they are as people.

Looking back my EW has always been selfish..........she is just now selfish on steroids.

HI Joseph,

I do plan on just letting her be. At the early point of this situation, it was the same for me when I would bring up anything in regards to our son's state due to this, she would just brush it off like it wasn't a big deal.

The difference between our W's is that mine wasn't really selfish before her personalty change. Now she is the epitome of selfish.

[SteveLW]

Be there for your son and you have to let her be. Very early on my oldest D was crying in the car because she missed mommy. I thought I needed to let her know since it is her D as well. When I told my EW it went in one ear, out the other, and she acted like it was no big deal.....she just stared at me with this blank look on her face. Saying anything will do no good.......unless your S is really struggling you just need to handle it.

I think they know it's wrong but they are making the choice to do what they are doing and I do believe they are fully aware of their actions. They probably care, they just don't care enough to stop or do anything different because I think it is at the core who they are as people.

Looking back my EW has always been selfish..........she is just now selfish on steroids.

HI Joseph,

I do plan on just letting her be. At the early point of this situation, it was the same for me when I would bring up anything in regards to our son's state due to this, she would just brush it off like it wasn't a big deal.

The difference between our W's is that mine wasn't really selfish before her personalty change. Now she is the epitome of selfish.

Yep, this my W too in her wayward state. Never had a seflish bone in her body, until waywardness hit. Then boom she became overly selfish to a point where she didn't care about anything or anyone but herself.

My W eventually went back to the way she used to be. But for several weeks it was as if she had been possessed by someone or something else.

[DavidUK]

She may say that but inside she knows it's hurting them and she more than likely does feel terrible about it. But yes she will say things like that to try and make it seem like everything is OK.

My W didn't care when shouting abuse at me in front of kids, she didn't care when she told them we are not a family, she didn't care about taking them out of their home where they have lived since they were born etc. If she cared about them then she would be willing to talk about our relationship and get counselling etc. to see if we could provide them with what they deserve.

[Bewas]

Be there for your son and you have to let her be. Very early on my oldest D was crying in the car because she missed mommy. I thought I needed to let her know since it is her D as well. When I told my EW it went in one ear, out the other, and she acted like it was no big deal.....she just stared at me with this blank look on her face. Saying anything will do no good.......unless your S is really struggling you just need to handle it.

I think they know it's wrong but they are making the choice to do what they are doing and I do believe they are fully aware of their actions. They probably care, they just don't care enough to stop or do anything different because I think it is at the core who they are as people.

Looking back my EW has always been selfish..........she is just now selfish on steroids.

HI Joseph,

I do plan on just letting her be. At the early point of this situation, it was the same for me when I would bring up anything in regards to our son's state due to this, she would just brush it off like it wasn't a big deal.

The difference between our W's is that mine wasn't really selfish before her personalty change. Now she is the epitome of selfish.

Yep, this my W too in her wayward state. Never had a seflish bone in her body, until waywardness hit. Then boom she became overly selfish to a point where she didn't care about anything or anyone but herself.

My W eventually went back to the way she used to be. But for several weeks it was as if she had been possessed by someone or something else.

You bring up an interesting point which I've been kind of wondering myself. My W definitely seemed possessed by someone else. Still does, however...

For over a week now, it seems my W has been doing things a little more like the "old her" which I'm not sure what to think about it. Stuff like kind of cleaning the house, actually wanting our son last week, apparently doing some gardening which she used to love. I'm not sure if it's just damage control to her image which she had all but destroyed in the previous month or if it's a sincere turn back to more of her old self? It's only been a little over a month and a half and I just can't trust that it's anything sincere at this point. Everything just seems to have an ulterior motive with her to this point.

I'm trying to not read into anything anymore with her.

[SteveLW]

She may say that but inside she knows it's hurting them and she more than likely does feel terrible about it. But yes she will say things like that to try and make it seem like everything is OK.

My W didn't care when shouting abuse at me in front of kids, she didn't care when she told them we are not a family, she didn't care about taking them out of their home where they have lived since they were born etc. If she cared about them then she would be willing to talk about our relationship and get counselling etc. to see if we could provide them with what they deserve.

yep, actions speak way louder than words. The fog of waywardness causes them to trample any and everyone.

[Bewas]

She may say that but inside she knows it's hurting them and she more than likely does feel terrible about it. But yes she will say things like that to try and make it seem like everything is OK.

My W didn't care when shouting abuse at me in front of kids, she didn't care when she told them we are not a family, she didn't care about taking them out of their home where they have lived since they were born etc. If she cared about them then she would be willing to talk about our relationship and get counselling etc. to see if we could provide them with what they deserve.

My W never really did any of those things. Our son is really small so she really couldn't tell him things like that. We are also sharing custody. But my W was like yours, completely unwilling to attempt counselling although she has stated to me she is seeing a councilor herself...not sure if I can believe it or not.

[AnotherStander]

Well, today is my birthday...not exactly the happiest of birthdays considering the circumstances unfortunately..

.

First of all- HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! Second- very sorry it's not the best birthday this year. But forget your hateful, angry, thoughtless WAS, have a great bday in spite of her lack of attention! I had my birthday last month. My GF came over and we had lunch with my kids, then opened presents and had cake, then the kids had to go. My GF said she was going for a swim if I wanted to join her. I finished what I was doing and went out back and.... WOW. Here's this pretty young lady with her knockout figure and rainbow-colored hair swimming naked in my pool like a mermaid. 5 years ago I had the worst bday of my life and this year the best. Just try and remember your situation is temporary. You may recon or you may not but regardless, great things are heading your way.

[Bewas]

Well, today is my birthday...not exactly the happiest of birthdays considering the circumstances unfortunately..

.

First of all- HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! Second- very sorry it's not the best birthday this year. But forget your hateful, angry, thoughtless WAS, have a great bday in spite of her lack of attention! I had my birthday last month. My GF came over and we had lunch with my kids, then opened presents and had cake, then the kids had to go. My GF said she was going for a swim if I wanted to join her. I finished what I was doing and went out back and.... WOW. Here's this pretty young lady with her knockout figure and rainbow-colored hair swimming naked in my pool like a mermaid. 5 years ago I had the worst bday of my life and this year the best. Just try and remember your situation is temporary. You may recon or you may not but regardless, great things are heading your way.

This post really brightened my day.

I do need to remember it's a temporary situation either way and it's nice to hear that things get better!

Thanks so much!

[sandi2]

Happy Birthday!

[Bewas]

Happy Birthday!

Thanks Sandi! I'm going to try and make it as good as I can!

[Bewas]

So an interesting bit of information yesterday...

Firstly, I ended up having a decent birthday considering the circumstances. I expected to feel a lot more down than I was. I was able to take my mind off of the sitch for most of the day and even ended up sleeping really well for a change!

Now the interesting bit came from my W's sister last night. Apparently, she wanted to have a heart to heart talk with her and had invited her out for supper a few nights ago now. They haven't talked since basically the beginning of the situation. Her sister has been extremely worried about her and this new "lifestyle" she's adopted. It doesn't fit with the family values so to speak. Anyways, according to her sister, my W has been:

- feeling extremely depressed almost all the time
- has been basically working herself into the ground every day to support herself now
- has been "traumatized" by the falling out with the rest of her family
- is incredibly worn out.
- has stated again that she has been going to counselling

She also mentioned that my W said she was happy that I have been "nice" to her lately, that I've been saying "thank you" lately and that things have been calm between us.

Now, I wouldn't say I've been "nice" to her exactly but I have been less stern and very calm and civil. Then again, it's really just been texting mostly since our last meeting where I feel I thoroughly "won" the day and I thought she seemed exhausted and defeated. The only other time we met face to face since was when she dropped our son off on Sunday. Which the only interesting bit there was that she was extremely happy to see our son beaming at me when he saw me. She really did seem happy to see that. We didn't say much but it was somewhat pleasant as I was in a good mood. I took him and said good bye to my W.

Now, I'm not trying to look into this too much and to mind read any of this but it does seem that if anything, she could truly be wearing herself out. If she actually is seeking counselling as she has stated now again to somebody else not me, maybe she does actually realize something has gone wrong with her. If that is the case, then maybe it's a small positive step forward instead of the constant steps backward. From what I can tell and what I've heard, since the last falling out she had with one of her family members a week and half ago, she has seemed more like my "W" in terms of her behavior. This could of course all just be just be damage control to her image and a manipulation on my W's part (it's not the feeling I'm getting from it though)...who knows?

Again, not going to look into this any further or try to mind read. I'm going to continue to detach, GAL and see where this leads me!

[Bewas]

So an interesting bit of information yesterday...

Firstly, I ended up having a decent birthday considering the circumstances. I expected to feel a lot more down than I was. I was able to take my mind off of the sitch for most of the day and even ended up sleeping really well for a change!

Now the interesting bit came from my W's sister last night. Apparently, she wanted to have a heart to heart talk with her and had invited her out for supper a few nights ago now. They haven't talked since basically the beginning of the situation. Her sister has been extremely worried about her and this new "lifestyle" she's adopted. It doesn't fit with the family values so to speak. Anyways, according to her sister, my W has been:

- feeling extremely depressed almost all the time
- has been basically working herself into the ground every day to support herself now
- has been "traumatized" by the falling out with the rest of her family
- is incredibly worn out.
- has stated again that she has been going to counselling

She also mentioned that my W said she was happy that I have been "nice" to her lately, that I've been saying "thank you" lately and that things have been calm between us.

Now, I wouldn't say I've been "nice" to her exactly but I have been less stern and very calm and civil. Then again, it's really just been texting mostly since our last meeting where I feel I thoroughly "won" the day and I thought she seemed exhausted and defeated. The only other time we met face to face since was when she dropped our son off on Sunday. Which the only interesting bit there was that she was extremely happy to see our son beaming at me when he saw me. She really did seem happy to see that. We didn't say much but it was somewhat pleasant as I was in a good mood. I took him and said good bye to my W.

Now, I'm not trying to look into this too much and to mind read any of this but it does seem that if anything, she could truly be wearing herself out. If she actually is seeking counselling as she has stated now again to somebody else not me, maybe she does actually realize something has gone wrong with her. If that is the case, then maybe it's a small positive step forward instead of the constant steps backward. From what I can tell and what I've heard, since the last falling out she had with one of her family members a week and half ago, she has seemed more like my "W" in terms of her behavior. This could of course all just be just be damage control to her image and a manipulation on my W's part (it's not the feeling I'm getting from it though)...who knows?

Again, not going to look into this any further or try to mind read. I'm going to continue to detach, GAL and see where this leads me!

Just a little bump Any thoughts on this?

[Bewas]

So an interesting bit of information yesterday...

Firstly, I ended up having a decent birthday considering the circumstances. I expected to feel a lot more down than I was. I was able to take my mind off of the sitch for most of the day and even ended up sleeping really well for a change!

Now the interesting bit came from my W's sister last night. Apparently, she wanted to have a heart to heart talk with her and had invited her out for supper a few nights ago now. They haven't talked since basically the beginning of the situation. Her sister has been extremely worried about her and this new "lifestyle" she's adopted. It doesn't fit with the family values so to speak. Anyways, according to her sister, my W has been:

- feeling extremely depressed almost all the time
- has been basically working herself into the ground every day to support herself now
- has been "traumatized" by the falling out with the rest of her family
- is incredibly worn out.
- has stated again that she has been going to counselling

She also mentioned that my W said she was happy that I have been "nice" to her lately, that I've been saying "thank you" lately and that things have been calm between us.

Now, I wouldn't say I've been "nice" to her exactly but I have been less stern and very calm and civil. Then again, it's really just been texting mostly since our last meeting where I feel I thoroughly "won" the day and I thought she seemed exhausted and defeated. The only other time we met face to face since was when she dropped our son off on Sunday. Which the only interesting bit there was that she was extremely happy to see our son beaming at me when he saw me. She really did seem happy to see that. We didn't say much but it was somewhat pleasant as I was in a good mood. I took him and said good bye to my W.

Now, I'm not trying to look into this too much and to mind read any of this but it does seem that if anything, she could truly be wearing herself out. If she actually is seeking counselling as she has stated now again to somebody else not me, maybe she does actually realize something has gone wrong with her. If that is the case, then maybe it's a small positive step forward instead of the constant steps backward. From what I can tell and what I've heard, since the last falling out she had with one of her family members a week and half ago, she has seemed more like my "W" in terms of her behavior. This could of course all just be just be damage control to her image and a manipulation on my W's part (it's not the feeling I'm getting from it though)...who knows?

Again, not going to look into this any further or try to mind read. I'm going to continue to detach, GAL and see where this leads me!

Another bump for any insight on this?

[Cadet]

It sounds like it is typical WAS/MLC behavior.

My opinion is stop watching every move and looking for insight on this or that.
It only hurts your detachment and their is nothing you are going to do that will speed up her journey.

I would follow your own advice in the last sentence.

[Bewas]

It sounds like it is typical WAS/MLC behavior.

My opinion is stop watching every move and looking for insight on this or that.
It only hurts your detachment and their is nothing you are going to do that will speed up her journey.

I would follow your own advice in the last sentence.

You are right...I suppose I shouldn't be looking for insight into her different behaviors. I guess all it is doing is prolonging attachment. It's just kind of how my mind works...I'm very analytical and always try to find reason behind certain things and behaviors. It's a trait that won't help in this situation though I think.

"There is nothing you are going to do that will speed up her journey" is a great way put it and something I'd do well to remember in the coming months.

Thanks Cadet!

[kiro]

I suppose I shouldn't be looking for insight into her different behaviors.

Good luck with that. lol Just kidding. I'm sure you can achieve that, but it's not easy and it takes time.

I think it's ok to analyze until your analytical brain reaches the conclusion that it has looked at every possible aspect and analyzed every piece of information available and that continuing down that path leads to nowhere. I am saying this because I am in a similar situation, analyzing all the time. But my brain will not accept letting go before having looked at all possibilities. We have to be realistic. We need answers and it's not to let go until we reach the conclusion ourselves that it is enough. I read tons of articles and books on the topic in addition to this forum where I continue to learn new things every day. I think this is part of the journey to healing, peace and acceptance. And it comes with some pain of course.

On the other hand, you can't be doing only that all the time. You need to make sure that you GAL and take care of yourself. IMO, both extremes would be wrong: Analyzing the Sitch day and night or Ignoring it completely and trying to busy ourselves with other things in order not to think about it at all.

[Bewas]

I suppose I shouldn't be looking for insight into her different behaviors.

Good luck with that. lol Just kidding. I'm sure you can achieve that, but it's not easy and it takes time.

I think it's ok to analyze until your analytical brain reaches the conclusion that it has looked at every possible aspect and analyzed every piece of information available and that continuing down that path leads to nowhere. I am saying this because I am in a similar situation, analyzing all the time. But my brain will not accept letting go before having looked at all possibilities. We have to be realistic. We need answers and it's not to let go until we reach the conclusion ourselves that it is enough. I read tons of articles and books on the topic in addition to this forum where I continue to learn new things every day. I think this is part of the journey to healing, peace and acceptance. And it comes with some pain of course.

On the other hand, you can't be doing only that all the time. You need to make sure that you GAL and take care of yourself. IMO, both extremes would be wrong: Analyzing the Sitch day and night or Ignoring it completely and trying to busy ourselves with other things in order not to think about it at all.

Thanks for your perspective Kiro!

Yeah, I definitely feel the need to analyze everything. It does somewhat appease my mind even though it never seems to lead anywhere, lol. I do feel like I've slide backwards a little every time with my detachment when I analyze though so I should try to limit it at least somewhat (as much as my mind will allow it anyways ). I know that detachment and GAL are the only real way forward for my sitch.

[kiro]

Bewas, you reminded me that when I went to a few counseling sessions, the counselor suggested that instead of thinking all the time, I should allocate maybe an hour per day to analyze and she recommended writing it down. Then do other stuff the rest of the day. Maybe that could help

[Bewas]

Bewas, you reminded me that when I went to a few counseling sessions, the counselor suggested that instead of thinking all the time, I should allocate maybe an hour per day to analyze and she recommended writing it down. Then do other stuff the rest of the day. Maybe that could help

That's maybe not a bad idea...something I might implement moving forward to help.

Thanks!

[kiro]

One more thought about over-analyzing the Sitch. After a while (it's been a year for me), you realize that you're actually analyzing yourself more than you're analyzing her. You look at all aspects and you try to understand what she did and why, but you cannot enter inside her head. But you still continue thinking... and the more you do, you reach conclusions about yourself, your values, your past, your goals, etc. By trying to understand her and judging her, you end up understanding yourself and judging yourself. By trying to control her behavior, you end up looking at your own behavior. And so on. Anyway, this is how it works for me. Good luck

[Bewas]

One more thought about over-analyzing the Sitch. After a while (it's been a year for me), you realize that you're actually analyzing yourself more than you're analyzing her. You look at all aspects and you try to understand what she did and why, but you cannot enter inside her head. But you still continue thinking... and the more you do, you reach conclusions about yourself, your values, your past, your goals, etc. By trying to understand her and judging her, you end up understanding yourself and judging yourself. By trying to control her behavior, you end up looking at your own behavior. And so on. Anyway, this is how it works for me. Good luck

Thanks Kiro!

This is great insight from someone with a lot more experience than me at this point. If by analyzing my W, I can also analyze myself and improve myself, that can only be a good thing.

[kiro]

This works for me because I like to link everything together. I don't like loose ends. I dig deep into things. And there is no way to do this without questioning your own values. You cannot judge her behavior as right or wrong without questioning your own behavior, how you would have behaved in a similar situation, etc. Also when you ask yourself what could have pushed her away, you must admit your flaws and your mistakes. And you must accept them. And so on. You get my point?

But you need to remind yourself that you need to be strong, and you need to stay active and positive as much as you can. This is why this forum is great to share your thoughts and your feelings and to get advise when you start to drift the wrong way (which happens a lot to me). People here will support you, but they are not shy telling you what you are doing wrong

[Bewas]

This works for me because I like to link everything together. I don't like loose ends. I dig deep into things. And there is no way to do this without questioning your own values. You cannot judge her behavior as right or wrong without questioning your own behavior, how you would have behaved in a similar situation, etc. Also when you ask yourself what could have pushed her away, you must admit your flaws and your mistakes. And you must accept them. And so on. You get my point?

But you need to remind yourself that you need to be strong, and you need to stay active and positive as much as you can. This is why this forum is great to share your thoughts and your feelings and to get advise when you start to drift the wrong way (which happens a lot to me). People here will support you, but they are not shy telling you what you are doing wrong

I think a big part of the process of healing and moving on is definitely admitting one's own flaws. Especially when analyzing the sitch. It has definitely helped me so far to really figure out a lot of myself that needed improving regardless of what happens with my sitch.

I've found this forum invaluable the last few months for helping me in handling my sitch, especially when they are telling you what you are doing wrong. lol

[Bewas]

So, just kind of wanted to say, in the past few days, I've been able to actually not think about her much at all and in not snooping for a long while, it has made everything so much easier. It's allowed me to focus on myself and my S so much more. I've actually felt HAPPY most of this week! It's something I didn't think I would feel again. It actually feels like progress towards detachment.

I am just hoping I don't backslide once I do meet up in person with her to discuss things. I've been practicing validation for our next conversations and in actually being happier, hopefully it will show. I'm thinking I'll do well!

I'm just glad to actually feel happy again and have it not feel forced.

[SteveLW]

Bewas great! Yes, when I dropped the rope (and for me the last piece of that was to stop snooping) it felt freeing.

[Bewas]

Bewas great! Yes, when I dropped the rope (and for me the last piece of that was to stop snooping) it felt freeing.

Yeah, snooping has been the hardest thing for me to drop but I've done a great job of it the last while. I still get the odd urge here and there to check if she is still trying to rent out parts of our house without me knowing to help with her bills, but I suppose she is delusional if she actually believes she can legally rent out any part of it without my consent so I shouldn't worry too much about it. I'll never approve of it so long as all my things are there and I am paying my share.

It does feel so much better to be mostly focusing on myself now, that's for sure! Definitely freeing!

[sandi2]

How about an update? Hope you are okay.

[BL42]

My W says the same things. I also get ,"I come from a divorced family. You don't. So you need to trust me that I know what's best for the kids." Really? The majority of her issues stem from her childhood and being neglected/passed around by her parents. Unfortunately our views towards marriage and divorce are different. I have always been pro marriage and anti divorce. She has claimed that because her parents have divorced multiple times, she doesn't want to do that. Before we got married, she mentioned many times that divorce would not be an option for her because she wanted something better than what her parents had and gave her. Yet here we are. Family background has a lot to do with it in my opinion. My parents have been married for 43 years. Her mom, dad, and grandma are all on their third marriages. With that being the example that was set for her, it's no wonder she views marriage as disposable (even though she said the opposite before we got married). It doesn't help that these are the people giving her marriage advice either. When time get tough, instead of encouraging her to work things out, they tell her that she needs to do whatever it takes to be happy...

My W was very much the same in that she said she would always rather work through our problems than divorce. I came from a much more stable upbringing like you. My father passed away when I was a teenager but other than that, there were almost no divorces or other family shakeups on my side of the family that I can think of. When I married my W, it was for life almost no matter what. It would have taken a lot from her to get me to ask for a D. She was always the same before...until the BD and her overnight personality change that is.

One difference with your sitch and mine is that her family have 100% rejected her decision and it has completely blown up in her face due to her recent behavior. They certainly aren't giving her that kind of encouragement or advice. That's a positive I think. Her new friends on the other hand...that's a different story.

Reading through an old thread and these bolded comments jumped out at me. My parents had their 40th wedding anniversary this year during my sitch whereas each of my W's parents have been married 3 times. While we were dating & engaged W & I had multiple conversations about how she didn't want to be like her mom and how marriage was forever with her, and that reassured me about moving forward with the relationship. However, after BD W told me she was done and didn't have any energy or desire to work on it at all or go to MC with me, and now her mom and step-sister (who has been married multiple times w/affairs and didn't want anything to do with at one point) are both her main confidants. A friend of my sister's who went through a similar situation told me my biggest mistake was marrying someone who had that family history because at a certain age the modeling/learned behavior just kicks in. I think about that from time to time and can't disagree.

Too bad this thread just died off...it would be interesting to know what came of Bewas.