Advice Needed To Deal With WW - Part 3

[Bewas]

So an interesting bit of information yesterday...

Firstly, I ended up having a decent birthday considering the circumstances. I expected to feel a lot more down than I was. I was able to take my mind off of the sitch for most of the day and even ended up sleeping really well for a change!

Now the interesting bit came from my W's sister last night. Apparently, she wanted to have a heart to heart talk with her and had invited her out for supper a few nights ago now. They haven't talked since basically the beginning of the situation. Her sister has been extremely worried about her and this new "lifestyle" she's adopted. It doesn't fit with the family values so to speak. Anyways, according to her sister, my W has been:

- feeling extremely depressed almost all the time
- has been basically working herself into the ground every day to support herself now
- has been "traumatized" by the falling out with the rest of her family
- is incredibly worn out.
- has stated again that she has been going to counselling

She also mentioned that my W said she was happy that I have been "nice" to her lately, that I've been saying "thank you" lately and that things have been calm between us.

Now, I wouldn't say I've been "nice" to her exactly but I have been less stern and very calm and civil. Then again, it's really just been texting mostly since our last meeting where I feel I thoroughly "won" the day and I thought she seemed exhausted and defeated. The only other time we met face to face since was when she dropped our son off on Sunday. Which the only interesting bit there was that she was extremely happy to see our son beaming at me when he saw me. She really did seem happy to see that. We didn't say much but it was somewhat pleasant as I was in a good mood. I took him and said good bye to my W.

Now, I'm not trying to look into this too much and to mind read any of this but it does seem that if anything, she could truly be wearing herself out. If she actually is seeking counselling as she has stated now again to somebody else not me, maybe she does actually realize something has gone wrong with her. If that is the case, then maybe it's a small positive step forward instead of the constant steps backward. From what I can tell and what I've heard, since the last falling out she had with one of her family members a week and half ago, she has seemed more like my "W" in terms of her behavior. This could of course all just be just be damage control to her image and a manipulation on my W's part (it's not the feeling I'm getting from it though)...who knows?

Again, not going to look into this any further or try to mind read. I'm going to continue to detach, GAL and see where this leads me!

[Bewas]

So an interesting bit of information yesterday...

Firstly, I ended up having a decent birthday considering the circumstances. I expected to feel a lot more down than I was. I was able to take my mind off of the sitch for most of the day and even ended up sleeping really well for a change!

Now the interesting bit came from my W's sister last night. Apparently, she wanted to have a heart to heart talk with her and had invited her out for supper a few nights ago now. They haven't talked since basically the beginning of the situation. Her sister has been extremely worried about her and this new "lifestyle" she's adopted. It doesn't fit with the family values so to speak. Anyways, according to her sister, my W has been:

- feeling extremely depressed almost all the time
- has been basically working herself into the ground every day to support herself now
- has been "traumatized" by the falling out with the rest of her family
- is incredibly worn out.
- has stated again that she has been going to counselling

She also mentioned that my W said she was happy that I have been "nice" to her lately, that I've been saying "thank you" lately and that things have been calm between us.

Now, I wouldn't say I've been "nice" to her exactly but I have been less stern and very calm and civil. Then again, it's really just been texting mostly since our last meeting where I feel I thoroughly "won" the day and I thought she seemed exhausted and defeated. The only other time we met face to face since was when she dropped our son off on Sunday. Which the only interesting bit there was that she was extremely happy to see our son beaming at me when he saw me. She really did seem happy to see that. We didn't say much but it was somewhat pleasant as I was in a good mood. I took him and said good bye to my W.

Now, I'm not trying to look into this too much and to mind read any of this but it does seem that if anything, she could truly be wearing herself out. If she actually is seeking counselling as she has stated now again to somebody else not me, maybe she does actually realize something has gone wrong with her. If that is the case, then maybe it's a small positive step forward instead of the constant steps backward. From what I can tell and what I've heard, since the last falling out she had with one of her family members a week and half ago, she has seemed more like my "W" in terms of her behavior. This could of course all just be just be damage control to her image and a manipulation on my W's part (it's not the feeling I'm getting from it though)...who knows?

Again, not going to look into this any further or try to mind read. I'm going to continue to detach, GAL and see where this leads me!

Just a little bump Any thoughts on this?

[Bewas]

So an interesting bit of information yesterday...

Firstly, I ended up having a decent birthday considering the circumstances. I expected to feel a lot more down than I was. I was able to take my mind off of the sitch for most of the day and even ended up sleeping really well for a change!

Now the interesting bit came from my W's sister last night. Apparently, she wanted to have a heart to heart talk with her and had invited her out for supper a few nights ago now. They haven't talked since basically the beginning of the situation. Her sister has been extremely worried about her and this new "lifestyle" she's adopted. It doesn't fit with the family values so to speak. Anyways, according to her sister, my W has been:

- feeling extremely depressed almost all the time
- has been basically working herself into the ground every day to support herself now
- has been "traumatized" by the falling out with the rest of her family
- is incredibly worn out.
- has stated again that she has been going to counselling

She also mentioned that my W said she was happy that I have been "nice" to her lately, that I've been saying "thank you" lately and that things have been calm between us.

Now, I wouldn't say I've been "nice" to her exactly but I have been less stern and very calm and civil. Then again, it's really just been texting mostly since our last meeting where I feel I thoroughly "won" the day and I thought she seemed exhausted and defeated. The only other time we met face to face since was when she dropped our son off on Sunday. Which the only interesting bit there was that she was extremely happy to see our son beaming at me when he saw me. She really did seem happy to see that. We didn't say much but it was somewhat pleasant as I was in a good mood. I took him and said good bye to my W.

Now, I'm not trying to look into this too much and to mind read any of this but it does seem that if anything, she could truly be wearing herself out. If she actually is seeking counselling as she has stated now again to somebody else not me, maybe she does actually realize something has gone wrong with her. If that is the case, then maybe it's a small positive step forward instead of the constant steps backward. From what I can tell and what I've heard, since the last falling out she had with one of her family members a week and half ago, she has seemed more like my "W" in terms of her behavior. This could of course all just be just be damage control to her image and a manipulation on my W's part (it's not the feeling I'm getting from it though)...who knows?

Again, not going to look into this any further or try to mind read. I'm going to continue to detach, GAL and see where this leads me!

Another bump for any insight on this?

[Cadet]

It sounds like it is typical WAS/MLC behavior.

My opinion is stop watching every move and looking for insight on this or that.
It only hurts your detachment and their is nothing you are going to do that will speed up her journey.

I would follow your own advice in the last sentence.

[Bewas]

It sounds like it is typical WAS/MLC behavior.

My opinion is stop watching every move and looking for insight on this or that.
It only hurts your detachment and their is nothing you are going to do that will speed up her journey.

I would follow your own advice in the last sentence.

You are right...I suppose I shouldn't be looking for insight into her different behaviors. I guess all it is doing is prolonging attachment. It's just kind of how my mind works...I'm very analytical and always try to find reason behind certain things and behaviors. It's a trait that won't help in this situation though I think.

"There is nothing you are going to do that will speed up her journey" is a great way put it and something I'd do well to remember in the coming months.

Thanks Cadet!

[kiro]

I suppose I shouldn't be looking for insight into her different behaviors.

Good luck with that. lol Just kidding. I'm sure you can achieve that, but it's not easy and it takes time.

I think it's ok to analyze until your analytical brain reaches the conclusion that it has looked at every possible aspect and analyzed every piece of information available and that continuing down that path leads to nowhere. I am saying this because I am in a similar situation, analyzing all the time. But my brain will not accept letting go before having looked at all possibilities. We have to be realistic. We need answers and it's not to let go until we reach the conclusion ourselves that it is enough. I read tons of articles and books on the topic in addition to this forum where I continue to learn new things every day. I think this is part of the journey to healing, peace and acceptance. And it comes with some pain of course.

On the other hand, you can't be doing only that all the time. You need to make sure that you GAL and take care of yourself. IMO, both extremes would be wrong: Analyzing the Sitch day and night or Ignoring it completely and trying to busy ourselves with other things in order not to think about it at all.

[Bewas]

I suppose I shouldn't be looking for insight into her different behaviors.

Good luck with that. lol Just kidding. I'm sure you can achieve that, but it's not easy and it takes time.

I think it's ok to analyze until your analytical brain reaches the conclusion that it has looked at every possible aspect and analyzed every piece of information available and that continuing down that path leads to nowhere. I am saying this because I am in a similar situation, analyzing all the time. But my brain will not accept letting go before having looked at all possibilities. We have to be realistic. We need answers and it's not to let go until we reach the conclusion ourselves that it is enough. I read tons of articles and books on the topic in addition to this forum where I continue to learn new things every day. I think this is part of the journey to healing, peace and acceptance. And it comes with some pain of course.

On the other hand, you can't be doing only that all the time. You need to make sure that you GAL and take care of yourself. IMO, both extremes would be wrong: Analyzing the Sitch day and night or Ignoring it completely and trying to busy ourselves with other things in order not to think about it at all.

Thanks for your perspective Kiro!

Yeah, I definitely feel the need to analyze everything. It does somewhat appease my mind even though it never seems to lead anywhere, lol. I do feel like I've slide backwards a little every time with my detachment when I analyze though so I should try to limit it at least somewhat (as much as my mind will allow it anyways ). I know that detachment and GAL are the only real way forward for my sitch.

[kiro]

Bewas, you reminded me that when I went to a few counseling sessions, the counselor suggested that instead of thinking all the time, I should allocate maybe an hour per day to analyze and she recommended writing it down. Then do other stuff the rest of the day. Maybe that could help

[Bewas]

Bewas, you reminded me that when I went to a few counseling sessions, the counselor suggested that instead of thinking all the time, I should allocate maybe an hour per day to analyze and she recommended writing it down. Then do other stuff the rest of the day. Maybe that could help

That's maybe not a bad idea...something I might implement moving forward to help.

Thanks!

[kiro]

One more thought about over-analyzing the Sitch. After a while (it's been a year for me), you realize that you're actually analyzing yourself more than you're analyzing her. You look at all aspects and you try to understand what she did and why, but you cannot enter inside her head. But you still continue thinking... and the more you do, you reach conclusions about yourself, your values, your past, your goals, etc. By trying to understand her and judging her, you end up understanding yourself and judging yourself. By trying to control her behavior, you end up looking at your own behavior. And so on. Anyway, this is how it works for me. Good luck