Wife & I had been together for 25 years (since she was 18) She left me 2 months ago and took our 2 young children. I was the kids main carer.
I had suspected her of having an A as she locked her phone and was acting secretive with it, became distant, bought a lot of new clothes, lied about when she had bought new underwear, terrible abusive rants at me, looked guilty etc. She didn't reassure me and accused me of being paranoid and insecure.
On the day she left, I'd sent flowers to her at work. I hadn't known she had left me earlier that day.
For the first few weeks separated, we went on some days out together with the children. She offered to pay for some things for me. I said I had wanted to get back together etc. but she said we were over. She said she had no respect for me whatsoever and didn't love me any-more. I asked her if she was seeing someone else and it was then she reacted very badly. My mother asked her where she was going that night and W went into a rant saying "I'm an adult, I don't have to tell you" etc. I thought 'A 43 year-old woman shouting that she's now an adult - what is going on?".
I received a legal letter to say that I was not to talk to her about our relationship. She went to the police and made a long statement saying she had never been happy being with me since we first met. It was all massive exaggerations and lies.
It broke me. I cried on the phone to her. The police didn't make any charges against me. They suggested me bringing charges against her. I declined because I wanted my family back together.
I have quickly worked hard to lose 12kg of weight in 2 months, have a much better hair cut, and dress better. She has said herself that she has noticed a big difference in me. I don't call her and have rarely replied to her text messages (hers are only about the kids). I tell her I have a busy social life and have made new friends (but I give no details), and have plans to move away if we get divorced. She says she wouldn't want me to move away from the area as she wants me to see the kids.
I have said the time and space separated has been very good for me. I have said I would only be willing to take slow tiny steps towards a relationship with her. She said she likes being single, has not had sex, and doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone for a long while.
I have no proof of an actual A but the signs are there. If she is having an A then it will be someone she knows from her job as she was with me at weekends and nearly every evening.
I know nearly all of her friends better than she does. She says she is now happier than when with me. She is acting extra happy towards people and yet she looks deeply sad when the mask slips.
She told me lies about why she was carrying around very large amounts of cash.
Last weekend at a school event, I distanced myself from her. She gave me nice looks for about 5 hours and bought some food for me. I later said I thought she might still have some feelings for me. She said only as father to her children.
I then realised that she had been planning to leave for a number of weeks, possibly several months whilst we had still been living and sleeping together. She had been hiding her savings (hiding it in cash in advance planning for a divorce) and she took our marriage certificate to her legal person (presumably for a divorce). I know that her parents were a driving force encouraging her to leave me and helping her to plan for it. She is now living with them and they are looking after her and the kids.
Wednesday, I said to her that I now knew she had been lying to me about the reasons why she had regularly withdrawn lots of cash. I said in a sympathetic way that it couldn't have been easy for her to be planning for a divorce behind my back and then coming home and sleeping with me.
Yesterday at a school event, all the children sang a song that always reminds wife & I of our wedding and honeymoon. She looked very guilty and sorry and gave me a look of remembering the significance of the song to us.
I said to her that it can't have been an easy decision for her to split-up our family.
I then make a mistake... I showed her a ring I had bought and said I had planned to give it to her when our relationship had improved but I hadn't given it to her because she had left me. She said it was beautiful but wouldn't take it. I put it back into my pocket.
That night she sent me some long rambling text messages but it was about the kids and I didn't reply.
Today, Friday, I saw her at a school event. I didn't sit next to her, I didn't ask her questions, she leaned towards me a few times to make comments to me about the kids, and I kept my responses minimal.
Afterwards she said she wanted the rest of her stuff from the house. I asked her to speak to me more nicely, so she did. I said that I have already gathered all of her clothes and put them into rubbish sacks ready for her to collect as I also wanted them out of the house.
At the end when leaving, I may have made a mistake... or perhaps not...
I had been fed-up with her acting for 2 months as if she had left me for being paranoid when I had actually been right; I have proof that she had been lying and deceiving me (taking and hiding money whilst we were still together). I asked (in a calm voice) if it was exciting and daring to have deceived me behind my back. This effectively puts me back to square one but the big difference is that I now have proof that I was right and she knows it. She has now lost the moral high-ground (as I have proof she lied). Perhaps it might help to start to bring her back down to earth?
I couldn't understand what was happening but then found this forum and realise that she was showing all the classic signs of being a WW as defined by Sandi2. That's what I have been going through.
It is hard enough dealing with my wife wanting a divorce, possibly being a WW, she planned for divorce behind my back even before leaving me. She now lives with her parents doing all the childcare and housework for her and they support us splitting-up - because they gain financially and they love the idea of their daughter and grand-kids living with them.
My ideal is for our family to get back together but that must involve my W being genuinely sorry and us having what I would see as a new relationship.
Any comments would be very much appreciated as I need a lot of help and support.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
The strategy is to read the book and follow the steps.
I dont understand your attitude to/about your children. She texts about them and you dont answer? You say her parents are doing childcare for HER and you are moving away after divorce. But what do you want out of your relationship with them? Do you have 0 custody?
Stop with all of the passive aggressive interaction with her. There is nothing to gain. Stop telling her so much and let her love her life. Theres nothing to gain from all of this confrontation and discussion. Go and live your life as you say that you are. Let her notice your change - you dont need to rub it in her face.
I'm confused what to do, which strategy to follow for my situation?
What strategies are you proposing.
I gave you an entire post of things to do, have you read all of that? Did that lead you to believe their are different things you can do? Please enlighten me.
I dont understand your attitude to/about your children. She texts about them and you dont answer? You say her parents are doing childcare for HER and you are moving away after divorce. But what do you want out of your relationship with them? Do you have 0 custody?
I was doing nearly all of the childcare for years until the day she left and took the children. She is now living with her parents who are doing nearly all of it. At the moment, I am being allowed 2 hours per week plus seeing school plays etc. but it could soon be more. If we get a divorce then I won't be able to afford to live in the area so I will be forced to move away.
I gave you an entire post of things to do, have you read all of that? Did that lead you to believe their are different things you can do? Please enlighten me.
Many thanks, yes I have been reading and learning.
I have been working on myself and learned things I could have done better sincw S. I'm nearly ready to fix the relationship and make it better than ever. I know I can do it if W gives us a chance.
I have no solid proof that W is having A but she is showing all the signs of being WW as defined by Sandi2. Could those same signs apply to a WAS?
My mother has said she is thinking of calling W to help try to get us back together. Is this a good idea, if so, is there anything she could say that could help?
My mother has said she is thinking of calling W to help try to get us back together. Is this a good idea, if so, is there anything she could say that could help?
