Advice Needed To Deal With WW - Part 2

[sandi2]

The last few days I've been thinking that the only way I'll be able to let her go fully is to find somebody else...I've just felt so lonely and that is when the thoughts start to creep in. I also feel on the other hand that it is way too early to be jumping to someone else. I'm very confused right now as the situation just feels so hopeless right now with her.

You do not need to get into a rebound relationship. I would hate to fall for a man and then learn that he had used me to get over his wife. You need to get out of your house and get a life. GAL.....don't get a relationship. Do you have any buddies? What do you do for fun? Sports, hobbies, adventures?

Just a suggestion, but you might want to checkout a few videos on co-dependency. Your quote above sounds like a person who doesn't know how to make himself happy and needs to be in a relationship to give him an identity.

[Bewas]

The issue of dating comes up quite often on the forum, and it is a natural instinct to start dating when the WS is out gallivanting around. The temptation is also there from a "I can use dating to get over S" standpoint. The problem is it doesn't usually work that way. Also dating adds complications to the S. It can have a negative impact on R chances, and it is generally a bad idea. Also it isn't really fair to people you are dating to thrust them into an emotional situation especially if you haven't fully dealt with your emotional baggage from your sitch.

My advice is to stay away from it until you are D'd, and have emotionally moved on from your S.

However, everyone's sitch is different and not all rules apply to everyone, but OK's sitch is a perfect example. I hope OK doesn't mind me saying this, but I don't think he was emotionally ready when he took the plunge, and that became apparent after he took the plunge. The "I need to touch something soft" is a base instinct that as humans, believe it or not, we CAN control. We aren't animals who give in to every whim our body chemistry throws at us. We are rational, sentient beings that can process our thoughts and emotions in a way where our actions are still under control. Anyone that tells you otherwise has an agenda that they are playing too. Usually an "I want what I want" agenda.

I'll try to type some more regarding some ground rules for dating once it appears your MR is over, but this is already too long!

Thanks Steve!

You put it a great way and when I really think about it, it wouldn't be fair to try and date someone with the mindset I have right now. It definitely would be baggage at this point as I'm for sure not emotionally ready. I think it was as you say, the chemical "loneliness" and human desire that was creeping in on me. I guess it's still WAY too soon to know if my MR is actually over or not. It's only been a little over a month and a half so anything can happen yet. I suppose I have seen at least a wearing down of W to this point, so who knows. Maybe she will still come to her senses. Maybe the weight of reality is starting to bear down on her now, who knows? If I did throw someone else into the mix, that would just way complicate things for everybody involved.

I'll just continue to focus on healing myself and detaching more and more.

Great advice like this is why I post here! It does truly help.

I look forward to your "post MR " dating advice

[Bewas]

The last few days I've been thinking that the only way I'll be able to let her go fully is to find somebody else...I've just felt so lonely and that is when the thoughts start to creep in. I also feel on the other hand that it is way too early to be jumping to someone else. I'm very confused right now as the situation just feels so hopeless right now with her.

You do not need to get into a rebound relationship. I would hate to fall for a man and then learn that he had used me to get over his wife. You need to get out of your house and get a life. GAL.....don't get a relationship. Do you have any buddies? What do you do for fun? Sports, hobbies, adventures?

Just a suggestion, but you might want to checkout a few videos on co-dependency. Your quote above sounds like a person who doesn't know how to make himself happy and needs to be in a relationship to give him an identity.

Hi Sandi!

"Rebound" is exactly what it would be...and I think the message is loud and clear to me that it isn't what would be good for me or fair to anyone that I would date right now. The way you put it "used me to get over his wife" is pretty powerful to me and something I wouldn't ever want to do to someone. In a way, I feel I'd be stooping to my W's current level if I did that.

I have been GAL. Actually a lot lately. I've been getting out a doing things almost every day, usually with good friends or family. Exercise and getting outdoors have been hugely great for me. I'm now EASILY in the best physical shape of my entire life and I wasn't exactly a slouch in that department to begin with. I'm still not quite to the point where some of my previous hobbies are interesting to me again. Such as when I went golfing with some of my family the other day, it triggered a lot of "memories" of my W as I taught her how to golf and made it hard to focus. On the other hand, I went to a movie with some friends earlier this week and was actually able to enjoy and focus throughout the entire movie which was a first for me since this all started. So that was progress I think

I will check out some videos on co-dependency like you suggest but I do think I know how to make myself happy, it's just not all there yet. I was a happy independent person before I met my W and I think I can be again after my W regardless of what happens. It is definitely a process though...especially after being one part of what I thought was a solid whole for 12 years, to being ripped from that whole and now feeling like half a person. I'll get to feeling whole myself again, it will just take longer than a month and a half.

Thanks so much for the advice Sandi!

[Bewas]

Heard from a family member today that W has changed her Instagram name to just her first and middle names. Apparently her FB name is still the same. I didn't look at this myself, haven't been snooping and am trying not to look into this too much or mind read but it is just another one of her social media distancing moves of late.

My thoughts right now are that I would love nothing more than to just sit down with her and explain everything to her and try to just talk to her like we used to. Find out why in the h#ll she would actually do this. FULL DISCLOSURE, This is just what I would love to do, not what I'm going to do. It's just the rational part of me that's craving that understanding right now. I don't even think she truly knows why she is doing this tbh. I know that it would accomplish nothing but set me all the way back to square one both with her and with my own detachment. This limbo period of pulling completely back and "going dark" can be tough to manage at times.

Sigh...one day at a time. It is slowly getting easier.

[bhappy2]

Bewas, I have read your sitch and sorry you are going through this but its time for you. Call some friends and start going out and doing things. The GAL aspect of this process is quite amazing when fully realized. It has changed me forever and I am currenlty getting invited to friends of friends parties that I dont even know.

You found a paper in the garbage? Really... now you are a detective, then you had to decipher it... Bewas get it together NOW.

Get your mind off your W, the sooner the better. And to the person who is offering you info about W on the social media name change, I would simply say thank you but from this point on I would prefer you keep that info to yourself, what is going on between me and my W is a private matter. Then I would block her on every single outlet, period end of story. You are moving on right?

[Bewas]

Bewas, I have read your sitch and sorry you are going through this but its time for you. Call some friends and start going out and doing things. The GAL aspect of this process is quite amazing when fully realized. It has changed me forever and I am currenlty getting invited to friends of friends parties that I dont even know.

You found a paper in the garbage? Really... now you are a detective, then you had to decipher it... Bewas get it together NOW.

Get your mind off your W, the sooner the better. And to the person who is offering you info about W on the social media name change, I would simply say thank you but from this point on I would prefer you keep that info to yourself, what is going on between me and my W is a private matter. Then I would block her on every single outlet, period end of story. You are moving on right?

Hi bhappy2,

I have been GAL a lot lately. Still finding my way through it a little but it's getting easier every day. I can imagine it gets great once you hit your stride with it and aren't dwelling on things anymore.

Not sure what you mean about finding a paper in the garbage? I think that may have been someone else's sitch you are referring to? Not saying I haven't tried deciphering things (mostly social media stuff) but that wasn't me in this case

I wish I could COMPLETELY cut her out of my life, but due to our son, I'll always have to deal with her in some capacity. I agree with you though, I do need to be moving on regardless.

Thanks!

[bhappy2]

Yes I did mix up the other persons with you...sorry about that.

[Bewas]

Yes I did mix up the other persons with you...sorry about that.

No worries, I kinda figured it was a mix up

[sandi2]

I have been GAL a lot lately. Still finding my way through it a little but it's getting easier every day. I can imagine it gets great once you hit your stride with it and aren't dwelling on things anymore.

From the LBS success stories I remember, they all claimed that when they started GAL like there was no tomorrow, that's when their life got better. Even those who wrote back and said although the D wasn't busted, they were doing really well due to GAL. In fact, many of them said they were better than just doing "well".......they were happy!

[Bewas]

I have been GAL a lot lately. Still finding my way through it a little but it's getting easier every day. I can imagine it gets great once you hit your stride with it and aren't dwelling on things anymore.

From the LBS success stories I remember, they all claimed that when they started GAL like there was no tomorrow, that's when their life got better. Even those who wrote back and said although the D wasn't busted, they were doing really well due to GAL. In fact, many of them said they were better than just doing "well".......they were happy!

Yeah, i definitely feel better when I'm GAL. I'm actually out go kart racing today with friends. Something I've never done before. I still at times feel anxiety when I'm out. It's still hard to completely control. I do know that it is the best way forward for me regardless of what happens. I'm glad to hear that being truly happy again is something I can look forward to if I keep it up

Thanks Sandi!