Husband left for the second time - 5

[Jim1234]

Nicole, one of the things that I see in my sitch, that I also see in yours is an inability to detach fully. In my case, I'm pretty sure that it's because we still do things that I have mentioned in my thread like lingering over lunch, or her coming out to the movies with me and my D. Your husband coming over and lying in the bed next to you is one example of the things that I suspect make it harder for you, and us, in the long run.

Another thought regarding him losing his job... I think you should talk to a lawyer about filing for divorce if for no other reason than to mandate support for you and D. I'm obviously not a lawyer, and would talk to one about whether you should/would receive support based on his earning POTENTIAL vs his current actual earnings. I am under the impression support is based on earning POTENTIAL, which makes coming up with the money each month his problem, not yours.

[NicoleR]

Jim, yes that's exactly right. I moved far away and started over but when he visits I no longer feel detached. It's impossible to avoid this because we have a daughter unless I find someone to hand her off and receive her so I don't have to see him at all. If he moves here to this area it'll be good for our daughter but bad for me. There's always the glimmer of hope that he'll turn his life around and we can try again but in reality I know this is unlikely. Seeing him and having positive interactions with him just makes it hard to detach.

My husband says he'll still support us even if he has to borrow money from his family. My physician friends say he should be able to get another job in a few weeks. I hate to fork over another $200 or $300 for a lawyer consultation but if my husband doesn't send what we need at the end-of-the-month then I'll see a lawyer. I do wonder how they can make someone pay if that person is unemployed and has no income. I'm still hoping though my husband will find another job and keep supporting us as he's been until we decide to formally divorce. I'm going to ramp up my consulting hours in the meantime.

I was wondering if there's any news on your end about your divorce?

[LoneWlf]

Hi Nicole - These are tough times. It also make us better and more resilient. Know that we are all with you in support and prayers. Stay strong you will persevere. Blessings!

[arsh18]

Nicole have you thought of just getting the separation support sorted out? You have said he has been consistent with sending you money but his habits are erratic and with him losing his job and you finding out it is not beneficial to work full time I would be concerned about the finances. Have you met with a L to find out what the child support and other financial obligations he will have to bear without actually filing for D? - arshi

[HelenaJ]

Hi Nicole, just stopped by for a few words of encouragement. I admire the way you handle your situation, its a difficult one for sure but you seem to assess the circumstances very analytically and with more kindness and patience than I think I could muster. Hope youre having a good Wednesday.

[arsh18]

I admire the way you handle your situation, its a difficult one for sure but you seem to assess the circumstances very analytically and with more kindness and patience than I think I could muster.

oh gosh yes, I have always thought her WAH was the biggest idiot for not seeing the kindness and forgiveness she has for him. It is very hard to love someone who cheats and bails out on their family, but love is a choice, and choosing to love someone for the goodness that is buried within takes a big heart. Nicole, I know all of us have drawbacks that is why we are the LBSs, actually I think so does rest of the world but our misfortune brought us here, but your H is a real fool for leaving you, sorry. - arshi

[LoneWlf]

Nicole, I know all of us have drawbacks that is why we are the LBSs, actually I think so does rest of the world but our misfortune brought us here, but your H is a real fool for leaving you, sorry. - arshi

Hi Nicole, I am in agreement with Arshi but in regards to this statement about drawbacks and issues. Brene Brown has a good book called The gifts of Imperfection and she also has some TED Talks videos that you may find worthwhile. This book talks about acceptance - loving who YOU really are. I often need these messages and think others would benefit from them too. Blessings!

[NicoleR]

Thanks Arsh, Helena, and LoneWlf. I'm guilty of wrongdoing too so I feel humble considering my mistakes and how I wasn't able to see the damage I was inflicting until it was too late. This is one reason why I still wish to reconcile with my husband as friends or as married partners because we've both hurt each other, although what he's done is obviously worse. Another factor is faith just as LoneWlf writes about on his thread. If you don't follow any particular faith it may not help but if you do then the lessons on love, compassion, forgiveness, and justice are a good source of support although you have to balance the love and justice parts. If you're too easily forgiving and loving your partner will take advantage of that and believe they can have you back easily. If you're too focused on justice then it's hard to see any reason to save the marriage.

One thing we can't see about one another on a blind forum such as this one is what we're all like in real life, and what our spouses are like. My husband is really handsome and he has a lot of confidence in his appearance and women everywhere look at him on the streets. He knows he can easily attract almost anyone but that's different than being in a long-term relationship with challenges and responsibilities. He tried out marriage and found it's easier and more fun to have short-term relationships but I don't know how long that lifestyle will last. I, on the other hand, look average and it's hard for me to find the motivation to focus on makeup and hair because I'm always busy with my daughter, work, and trying to manage everything. I also dress conservatively so unless I want to change, how can I compete with the women my husband goes after? It seems there's a mismatch. If my husband and I were ever to reconcile I think I'd have to put more effort into beauty and fashion and he'd have to put more effort into being committed to a long-term partnership.

There are no other updates on my end....everything is the same.

[kml]

Interesting. My friend won't date men who are too handsome because she feels like she would always be looking over her shoulder and that they would cheat (even though she's quite attractive in her own right. ) My crazy exBF was handsome (often mistaken for an ex-pro athlete because of his build) and she couldn't understand why I wasn't concerned about that. (Turned out he WAS unfaithful but it had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with his mental illness. In fact I'm the one he still wants but I've made it clear we are only friends going forward.)

My ex was not a super handsome guy and I think when we were first together he thought I was a real catch in the looks department (I was). But as a physician, many women are available to them due to their perceived money and power, even if they're not handsome. That can be hard to compete with, especially if they suffer from depression or personality disorders that make them more vulnerable to cheating. (My friend thinks college professors are a bad risk too as she thinks they all end up sleeping with their students!).

" I, on the other hand, look average and it's hard for me to find the motivation to focus on makeup and hair because I'm always busy with my daughter, work, and trying to manage everything."

Ok - don't do this for your husband but do it for YOU. This is a time when you need to start feeling better about your own attractiveness. Work out. Get a new haircut and/or color - try something new. Discipline yourself to spend a few minutes every morning putting on makeup even if you don't think you'll see anybody. Get a simplified routine for every day if it takes you too long. I didn't really wear makeup for the first 40 years or so of my life but it's amazing what a difference a little bit can do. And I can put on foundation, powder, corrector for my undereye dark circles, eyebrow pencil, crayon eyeliner and mascara in about three minutes flat. (Eyeshadow and lipstick if I'm feeling fancy). I know it seems like just one more chore but do it so you stop feeling bad about yourself. And if you want your husband back you should at least be willing to put in that minimal effort - confidence is attractive. And if you decide he's a lost cause, you never know, you might just meet someone in the grocery store!

[Vanilla]

Your post saddened me somewhat.

A wonderful young mother with great values and enormous love in her heart struggling with self esteem issues because of looks.

OK WH may be good looking, although even that is subjective, but at the moment he has an ugly heart and dirt bag behaviour together with a wayward trouser snake. And these qualities will age him and make him hard and unattractive, the body holds it as the mind betrays the scumbagging to the body. At the end of her time here on the board the amazing poster Cherry wrote "WH is unattractive". Because he was to her. You too will see the ugly from the heart sketch and draw on the face and body.

It wasn't his looks or others giving him admiring glances that made your WH cheat, it was his dingbat waywardism. It was Mr Cheater pants mindset. Not his chizelled chin or deep luxurious hair.

You, my lovely lady will soften with age and glow because you have learned that it is love and self care that creates that attractive sheen that is seen for joy. You have love in your heart for your children.

Here sit by V and look in the mirror and see that beauty is more than skin deep, it is love and joy. SEE THAT IN YOUR OWN EYES AND KNOW IT TO BE TRUE.

If you read my thread then you will see that I had a similar view of myself, that I am not enough, but gradually over time I can deeply love as well as extreme self care for V. I wish you brave lady the same shift. I want for you the joy that I recently experienced when a young girl of about 6 walked to my table in a supermarket cafe and said 'you are so beautiful and you smile a lot.'

Take it from a seasoned by trial V, the things that matter most are self care and deep love, you have these in abundance.

Being beautiful or handsome is an extra gift which can be easily wasted if it isn't taken care of through love, and it fades quickly with time in the wayward. Whereas others grow into great beauty. Of itself it does not guarrantee fidelity in a spouse, just look at extra ordinary women in the public eye whose WH cheated. Here on the board I can say to you that there are some stunning women and handsome men, all LBS whose waywards cheated. It is the heart that cheats in the cheater and as such they decompensate in the body.

I trust one day you may turn around and say a crazy lady on a board told me that she knew I was beautiful as I had great love in my heart. Tomorrow, smile, look in your own eyes in a mirror and say 'I am enough'. Start with that.

Because it is so.

V