I read all your thought provoking responses yesterday through the most challenging day at my job yet. I haven't had time yet to respond to each of your thoughtful points, but know they are taken to heart and appreciated.
I'll give a short update. My plans cancelled last night, so I went out on a limb and asked him if tonight would be better than Friday. He replied right away and said "I would love that"
We went out to dinner, closed the restaurant and then went back to his place. During dinner we again talked about everything and we spoke a lot about dating after divorce and it's challenges. He said with all the kids schedules and work, we are smart to grab free time when it comes up. He liked that I told him when I was available.
I grabbed the check, paid for dinner, and we went back to his place. And awwwww yeahhhhhh. We also talked about divorced sex. We are on the same page with that and it has not changed any respect for each other. Actually, I think it is a mutual respect. I will say he was in a SSM, so yeah, he's loving it. And well, I am too. Coffee this morning bright and early, spent an hour together awake.......
So, yes, I read too much into things. I need patience. We are both away next week so it will be about a week and a half until I see him. And he likes that when I find out which night I am free, I tell him, because he is free most week nights and I am not. And we have the most interesting date we are planning in august. Definitely not your typical date, but a good one........
Last edited by job; 08/01/1805:10 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
See? Told you to stop ASSuming trouble. This is going just fine. Now just keep your focus on what's good and triple the length of time you expect between texts and dates.
And we have the most interesting date we are planning in august
Well are you going to tell? I could always use an idea for HQ...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Been doing some thinking and I am glad to say, my anxiety as subsided, for a few reasons. I am getting to know how he is. He has his kids this weekend, and he puts 100% focus there, and I will not hear from him. I am ok with that. I am away next week, he is away for the weekend, and it will be week and a half until I see him.
We spoke about what's going on with us a little. My cuz is giving us sh!t about our earlier sexual activity. We are on the same page, we don't feel earlier or later makes a difference in what's going on here. I basically said, "Whatever it is we have going on here, I like it, and all that matters is we are on the same page". he agrees.
I have walls up, and so does he. I realize he is just exploring this becoming a divorced father thing. He showed me this article about becoming the best guy you can be after becoming a divorced man. he is taking the time to make his new status as divorced single father work for him and to become the man he wants to be. I admire it.
I also realize that he cannot give himself to me in any other way than he is right now (dating, fun, sex) while he goes through this. I am in another situation that has an end date. Knowing that, I think I have built the proper walls this time. If we were ever to get together for real, I think that it would be after we parted ways for a while.
So, I like him, we have fun, we are attracted to each other. I can only take each date for face value.
So, in a different front in my life..... I really had the biggest challenge of my job thus far. I was alone, then the crazy social worker ditched me and also left her job to me, where she made a big mess up and I had to fix it. I was actually fixing everything, doing the work of three people. The good part? I earned the respect of my colleagues. I deal witht he 3 doctors, but the doctor I work with the most on my floor said to me " You are wearing so many hats this week, that if me and all doctors weren't here for whatever reason, we think you could do our jobs too". That meant a lot to hear. Of course no praise from my direct managers, but the therapists I was helping and everyone else on the team did express their respect and thanks for my hard work.
I couldn't do it all, I was over extended and worked too many hours, and I left more work than I wanted to for my counterpart. I thought for about 5 min I might go ina nd take care of it, and then I said "nahhhhh"
My baby comes home tonight. I have missed her so. My dad and stepmom come tomorrow night, I am grlling for everyone, then we leave for Niagara bright and early Tuesday morning. We have reservations at 2 amazing restuarants. And we might go ziplining! We need to convince D10 to do it. I am looking forward to our mini vacation. I have been missing my baby hard core.
Not sure why you think that just because Hot Chocolate is trying to take the time to adjust to his divorce and become the best man that he can be, automatically means this relationship has an expiration date??? I'd take it to mean he really bent his rules for you because he finds you so attractive, and if you can just give him the time and space to process what he needs to process you may well end up in a great relationship with a thoughtful, responsible self-aware man (who happens to be great in bed!).
The challange for you now, and the question is, how long will the anxiety stay down? Chances are it will again climb, which is really okay, it's how you handle it and what you do with it that matters. I believe the anxiety is down now because you realize he is not rejecting you. It's not about you nearly as much as it is about him. Am I right? Because you know it's not you, you can accept it much better. It's so hard to develop this mindset but it really is so important. We all say to just stay in the moment and not worry about the future but it's so much harder to do than it is to say!
It's again fortuitous that you'll have time away from each other. This is not a bad thing at all. It actually forces that tripling thing on you and removes pressure from both of you. I believe that is needed. It's still so different for you to not be full steam ahead at this point. I'm not even saying it's better - it's just new and different - and takes some time to get used to.
You really cannot predict the future so don't try. You are probably correct in that he's not going to run into a full on R with you right now. That doesn't mean he never will. He may. He may not. Who knows what will happen. Just try to enjoy, learn and grow. Perhaps the largest challange will be if you meet someone else. The urge will be to say, sorry I'm seeing someone and pass the new guy by.
But honestly, is HC perhaps not exactly what you need right now? D10 still needs a lot of your time. You are busy at work. Maybe it's not even the right time for falling in love. Maybe a few years down the road will be much better - and HC may just be ready at that point as well. Just a thought.
Your challange and my suggestion to you is to work on deciding what you will do the next time the anxiety returns - and it will. How will you handle it? How will you calm yourself? Think about that now so you might be better prepared when it happens! The time to prepare for a crises, or in this case anxiety, is not after it hits but long before.
So glad you are happy. It's great to hear!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I have walls up, and so does he. I realize he is just exploring this becoming a divorced father thing. He showed me this article about becoming the best guy you can be after becoming a divorced man. he is taking the time to make his new status as divorced single father work for him and to become the man he wants to be. I admire it.
Be there for him. It'll go a long way.
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I am in another situation that has an end date.
Why? And how is that fair to either party?
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If we were ever to get together for real, I think that it would be after we parted ways for a while.
Is that what you want? In all honesty, the best kinds of relationships are where he has broken through your walls without you knowing it. And also in all honesty, it sounds as if he is well on his way. So what's the problem - what are you waiting on? Some magical sign from the universe telling you now is the time? Sorry, but it doesn't work that way.
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So, I like him, we have fun, we are attracted to each other. I can only take each date for face value.
So, what's the problem? Take it one day at a time and see where things go. This "oh its better if we wait" stuff is pure BS. As the wise Yoda says, "Do or do not, there is no try."
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
