Advice on my Scenario Pt. 18 - Nunquam Iterum

[OrangeK]

Makia, you are a champ. Seriously. with all youve been through and the attitude you have about life, youre a role model.

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Big plans with S3 this weekend, as I will have him from Thursday night to Sunday evening.
Going to go out on SIL's fathers boat.
SIL's Dad and S3 have the same name, and S3 really likes him and thoroughly enjoys going out on his boat.
I haven't been out on the Ocean in AGES i am really looking forward to it.

The following weekend is my birthday, and some friends are planning a special D&D session for me, which should be a blast!
My Bday is on that Sat, I will have S3 on Sunday night, so i will celebrate with him then.

I dont like waiting, feeling like i need to anticipate the next time WIFE decides to try and push my buttons, but it is what it is.
Just time to roll with the punches and stay frosty.

[Maika]

Thanks O. I owe a huge debt of gratitude to the DB community, my therapist, and some close friends IRL that gave me great support, advice, and encouragement. I aim to pay it forward as much as I can here.

[OrangeK]

Ehhhh.

A few attachment feelings have been trying to bubble up today.

I am happy with how much better I am at neutralizing them quickly, but Ill be much happier when they don't happen at all.

I think subconsciously, not having responded to her is bothering me, it goes against what my addicted mind wants. To talk to her, but i proved myself the other day that talking to her is only an invite for pain and frustration, so a big fat NO on that one.

[Bewas]

Ehhhh.

A few attachment feelings have been trying to bubble up today.

I am happy with how much better I am at neutralizing them quickly, but Ill be much happier when they don't happen at all.

I think subconsciously, not having responded to her is bothering me, it goes against what my addicted mind wants. To talk to her, but i proved myself the other day that talking to her is only an invite for pain and frustration, so a big fat NO on that one.

It's interesting you say that it subconsciously bothers you to not respond to her. I'm at this point kind of having the opposite feeling...I actually feel better letting my W's texts simmer for awhile or just not responding at all at times. Funny thing is, she usually responds very promptly to me. lol. I think my W knows at this point though that I'm unwilling to help her with anything that isn't an emergency in regards to our S so she doesn't bother as much as before.

For what it's worth, I'd say you are definitely better off not responding or at least letting her squirm for awhile if you feel you absolutely must respond. Especially if it's not important.

[sandi2]

The description of the female covert NPD sounds so much Like your W. Everything you've said about her, appears to fall into this category.

She will often choose men who have been wounded from a previous relationship.
Upon meeting the man, she will engage in sex almost immediately.
She depends upon her physical beauty and sexuality to gain attention, seduce, etc.
During the initial stages of their relationship, she feeds the man's ego and makes him feel like a "real man". The love bombing period is how she gets him addicted to her. Then when she discards him, he will crave her as if she were his drug.

There is no closure.......if you seek it from the narcissist. They will not confess, admit wrong doing, or apologize for treating you terribly. They will not take responsibility for fault. They believe it is never their fault. They will never honestly answer the questions you seek. Closure must be found outside and away from the NPD.

Co-parenting is a nightmare. You can't co-parent with a NPD female, like you could a normal person. She won't be reliable. She won't be responsible for paying for her share of cost. You can't discuss things with her without her pushing your buttons or making a dig at you in some way. She's going to play the victim, etc. There are several videos about this subject.

She will never respect your boundaries. It is a waste of time to tell her something is your boundary, b/c she will step over the boundary line just to get a reaction from you. Getting a reaction from you is her "supply". The NPD has to have "supply". This is what feeds her. It doesn't matter if it is a positive or negative response.......as long as you react, it feeds her NPD. What the NPD can't stand is no reaction whatsoever. For instance, if you were face to face, you would show no emotion in your facial expressions. And you would not look her in the eye. (I know, this is contrary to the 37 rules, but those were for when dealing with a non NPD). You would not give her your undivided attention. You would not act interested or affected by anything she said. If she threatens, don't show a reaction. Just give a universal one-word answer for whatever she says.........like, "Okay"........without any emotion.

The female with NPD will not change. She has no capacity for empathy. She will throw you a crumb ever so often in order to keep you addicted, which supplies her with your reactions. As long as you give her supplies, she won't leave you alone. She is all about drama and chaos. The more you stir the pot, the more you feed her.

If you allowed her to come back into a R with you, the same cycle would repeat itself.

According to all the videos I watched, the previous attempts you made and even some of the suggestions given.........cannot work successfully when dealing with a NPD. You cannot have the type of communication rapport you might otherwise have with a normal person. It would be to your health's advantage to only respond to her questions in a business like manner, and leave all emotions out of it. Do not add anything. Don't try to be nice, wish her a good day, made snide remarks or anything. You cannot be friends, and you cannot one up her. Distant yourself every way possible from the NPD and focus on healing yourself apart and outside of her.

You must find your self worth apart from her. You believed all her fluff & puff she was giving your ego during the love bombing phase. It's time to build a healthy self-esteem indepentant from her or another person. When you depend on another person to be the foundation or source of your self worth........then what happens if they discard you? It's worse than just experiencing heartbreak over losing the one you loved, b/c you feel as if you've lost yourself.

I have heard people who were addicted to cocain say that they never got that same feeling as they had the first time they used it. Every hit was them seeking that initial high they experienced the first time. You have had a long, painful period of withdrawals. I hope you won't look to her to get that "feeling" you credit her giving you during the love bombing.

[Bewas]

Steve, you are right about the spoiled brat complex. Her parents have ALWAYS swooped in to save her @$$ when she has gone through these cycles before and had to bail out of living situations after she has devalued and discarded people, or been found out for who and what she is (this is what happened between her last EX and Me, she moved out of state to live with some guy [b]{while her EX was still deployed in the Army mind you.....} and when he discovered what she had done (this guy was also a soldier) he sent her packing in shame)
Her parents have always been there to rescue her when she does this.
Plus all the guys she has duped over the years, she is totally used to people just doing what she asks, especially when she spins the "Woe is me" act along with it.
When she doesnt get her way, is when she goes into antagonistic passive aggressive attack mode.

Wow, this couldn't be any more different than my sitch. My W's parents and family weren't putting up with her bullsh#t right from the start even though she has never done anything like this. They weren't willing to support her in breaking up our family for no reason or her sudden personality change. As soon as they started questioning her, she got really antagonistic towards them and ended up having a huge falling out. The situation for my W blew up horribly for her in this regard, especially considering how highly she was respected by them before this.

I guess your W's parents are a lot more willing to overlook her behavior than my W's. I guess if they have provided her with rescue every time, then all they have done is validate her behavior basically.

[SteveLW]

OK be strong my friend. You are doing the right thing.

Here is the thing:

You are doing the right thing....FOR YOU!

Not for her or the MR. FOR YOU! (and for S3 of course too!)

So be strong. Her attempts to manipulate you deserve to be ignored. Her attempts to keep you attached deserve to be ignore. Her attempts to provoke you deserve to be ignored!

Logistics about S3. That's it. Otherwise....NC/Dark.

[Maika]

Because we've been talking about self-worth, self-esteem, and action on O's thread, I am just going to leave this here for people who are reading. No need for comments but wanted to share something that has been very helpful for me recently.

Google the author Kris Gage and her article called 'how to build your self esteem'. It cuts through most of the nonsense out there and gives a more insightful take. There are a couple of things I could quibble about her piece, but they are minor points.

[OrangeK]

BEWAS - You are lucky that your WW's parents are rational. My wives parents have been cleaning up after her chaos for her whole life. She is their only child, and I blame bother her parents for abuse, and enabling her behaviors.
If you look at Sandi's post about how ADDICTIVE she has been you can see why it took my so long to approach detachment healthily, and why its so hard to resist texting her back, etc.
I am seeing now how much it bugs her to be ignored. I plan on keeping my silent vigil!

Sandi - It has been such a hard thing to accept that she truly is this messed up. That she truly is fixable and everything i ever knew of her was fabricated and deliberate. It is such a damaging factor to how i look at any person i meet now, its all through my Van Helsing style Narc-Radar.
I dont like how mistrustful it has made me, but i cant fathom being hurt like this again, so i think my defenses will be up for some time. The only course of action is complete, and utter NC, and going as dark as the inside of a pocket. Other than HARD FACTS and NECESSARY info regarding S3.
If we didnt have a child, i would honestly consider moving to a different state.
Keeping with NC and DARK will be my challenge, i know she knows the right things to say to woo me, or get under my skin.
I know she will try and eventually seduce me to do her some favor, or give her money.
She will likely try and use me to triangulate OM when she becomes bored with him (same thing she did with her EX when her and I were together)
She is truly showing her colors now, trying to be controlling, nosy, entitled and immature.

I am just going to watch from the shadows as she continues to burn down the world around her.
Im a firefighter. I got this.

Unit Commander OrangeK to Dispatch, We will be on scene for extended period, we have a large industrial structure with heavy fire in the interior, flames beginning to show through roof. All companies set up for defensive operations. I want Master stream lines deployed at the Alpha, Bravo and Delta sides of the building, with focus on containing the flames within the affected building. Strike a 3rd alarm, mutual aid to the scene.
Have EMS stage on scene for potential injuries, and order a HazMat Response for toxic run-off.

[Bewas]

BEWAS - You are lucky that your WW's parents are rational. My wives parents have been cleaning up after her chaos for her whole life. She is their only child, and I blame bother her parents for abuse, and enabling her behaviors.
If you look at Sandi's post about how ADDICTIVE she has been you can see why it took my so long to approach detachment healthily, and why its so hard to resist texting her back, etc.
I am seeing now how much it bugs her to be ignored. I plan on keeping my silent vigil!

I know, I think I'm very lucky in that regard in my sitch. I mean...she blames me for her current situation but I guess that's par for the course with her lately. Everything has been my fault regardless. :P It definitely is enabling on her parents part.

After reading Sandi's post there, wow, I think our WW's are similar mostly only in that they are both WW but my W was never the way she has been acting lately. It was like a switch was turned in her head as she never showed any of these characteristics before. It was a 180 degree turn in personality. It seems your W has been like this for a long time and doing it to others all her life. It seems you are dealing with a different beast entirely lol.

Keep on with the silence man, I think it will help you for sure in the long run!